SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Been awhile since Ive posted. Things for the most part have been heading in a positive direction but would like to get feedback on something thats been a sticking point and see if anyone else has expereinced similar.

A short summary of where we are at in R. I havent been bringing up her A very much, if you compare it to a year or two ago. Things will still trigger me daily but its usually nothing that I cant just internally deal with. Ive been going to IC as well for several months. There are times when I feel like R is going well, but other times that I feel frustrated.

The emails I got ahold of last year between my WW and her AP from 18 years ago have been difficult to not dwell on and feel angry and resentful about. Although we have talked about some of them together, I still dont believe my wife understands the impact that these recently found emails have had on me or how best to help me.

I feel that alot of times when we discuss the topic of her A, she can be defensive, make it about her own experience, and/or she will try to appease me in some way.

A recent example of this started as a result of one of our recent talks. I asked her what she thought the worst year of our marriage has been and she said for her it was 2022, (the year I was revisiting the A and would often become emotional and upset about it) rather than 2005, which was the year she had the A.

To me her response indicated that for her its not so much about genuine remorse as it is about her feelings about herself and the consequences of her A. Obviously I had an issue with this and was upset.

Her point was that in 2022 she felt like she didnt want to be around me, but in 2005 she wanted to be around me more (which is one of her "reasons" for getting into an A due to feeling like I was neglecting her). By the end of her A she wanted to leave me for the AP.

A few days later I go on reddit (where I follow her account) and find a post where shes characterizing me at best as a vindictive, moody, erratic and unforgiving person and at worse emotionally abusive.

We talk about how for me it doesnt feel good to be seen in this light when all Im looking for is a little empathy.

She takes that post down and then later writes this one:

Title: "I would like to be one of those happy people"

"I am a depressed person who has taken medication for over 20 years. I've made mistakes in my life that have been hurtful to people I can't take back that haunt me. Lately I have this desire to be one of those happy people, you know those people who laugh & have fun & look forward to things. I feel like I'm almost there, I've really worked hard on achieving my life goals, I've worked hard on creating a business that is successful,I have a nice family & home. My husband is deeply obsessed with an affair I had early in our relationship 20 years ago. It's been constantly brought up over the last 3 years and I've come to the conclusion he'll never be over it and will forever be angry and resentful. I don't want negativity anymore. I don't want to be reminded anymore. I don't want to explain myself anymore. I made a mistake and I have tried my best to rectify it. Maybe I simply can't get freedom from my past mistakes. Maybe that's just part of life. It's unfortunate.

"I think these happy people rid themselves of who they percieve as toxic or causing unhappyness with no regurd to how it will affect anyone. In my cousins case, rid herself of her husband who did nothing but become irritating to her. No ifraction, betrayal or abruse. Just irritating. Now she co-parents all happily etc. I don't get it. No terrifying conern for her child growing up with a broken home etc. No feelings of failure, nothing. Just done, moved on happy. Is that what people need to do - just be selfish and make decisions solely based on what would make things happier for them with no consideration of others? No concern about the futrue? Maybe that's the affliction of caring about how your actions will affect everyone you know and thus - you will never be happy. Oddly, this is the person I am - I care about everyone else except for myself and yet one time in my entire life i was selfish and had an affair and now Its a never ending payment. Im nice, I'm a good person, I'm caring, loving, but I have a branding from 20 years ago that I will never be able to be finished with unless I divorce my husband. I don't want that. So it seems if your selfless you will always pay and if your selfish everyone else pays and there seems to be no inbetween. However, I have noitced as I've gotten older ( 43 ) my patience level for anger, resentment, negativity directed at me is becoming less. It will be interesting to see how it developes"

"What i should have done instead of having an affiar to fill my lonleyness, depression and selfloathing was just killed myself, It would have been better in the long run - everyone would have been sad for about 10 minutes and then just moved on living their life enjoying themselfs with no big backpack full of pain I caused for the rest of their lives. There would be no constant reminder, nothing more to say, just finished and eventually a distant memory. And i'm not trying to be dramatic and have people say no no. I'm just saying this in a pragmatic way based on whats occuring in my life now."

So there it is. Im not sure how I can feel any better or move past this subject when this is what she’s writing.

Her suicidal ideations are nothing new, and although genuinely concerning, feels like a manipulation tactic to shift the focus onto her and so that I just wont talk about it. There doesnt appear to be much room lect for me.

We havent talked about this particular post yet since I just saw it today, but some others she says were written when shes frustrated or upset and needs to vent about it but doesnt feel that way all the time.

She once wrote me a letter, when we were first starting to talk about the A again (which I requested she write) where she critiqued her responses to my trauma:

"I do believe I made mistakes by allowing my guilt and pain to override a more healthy and healing action which would have been to focus 100% on your pain. What I should have done is said " I am deeply sorry for the ways I have wounded you" but instead I think I spent time reincriminating myself and focusing on things like "I’m such a piece of ****, you should have divorced me" which forces you to spend energy on me rather than healing the pain I inflicted on you and for that I’m sorry."

Im really wishing for that to be something she not only says, but puts into action.

I dont want to sound overly negative here since there have also been positive and healing conversations, and moments where I have felt empathy and understanding, but these types of things have made it more difficult to say the least.

Your wife is doing nothing to help you heal. That’s the first problem.

The second is that you are relying on her to help you heal. Unfortunately she can only help you to a point, and the rest is on you.

3 years after dday2 I was still very unhappy and miserable. My H was doing everything to make amends and R but I just wasn’t as happy as I should have been.

I then saw a Will Smith post on YouTube called Fault vs Responsibility. In essence the message is that while things will happen to you that are not your fault, it is your responsibility to heal yourself.

Think of it this way. If you are in a car accident and end up with a broken leg, it’s not your fault the other driver hit you. However it is your responsibility to heal your broken leg and go to physical therapy and work hard to get full use of your leg.

What’s crazy (if you think about it) is that as a betrayed we are relying on the broken person who cheated on us to help us heal. IMO your wife is acting like a typical cheater. Her affair is "not her fault blah blah blah".

And when you see that mindset it just shows you that R is a challenge because you are trying to get to a place where the cheater takes responsibility. And when they can’t or won’t it is upsetting and sends the betrayed spiraling.

Lower your expectations. That is what I did. It helped me realize that I really had to learn to heal myself.

I suspect your W sees herself in ways that are far removed from reality. She's got the toxic ideas, but she thinks they're outside her. Therefore, moving away from you is her path to happiness. In fact the toxicity is inside her, and moving away from anyone or anything carries the toxicity with her.

Is she in IC? What does she say about what she's doing? If she isn't in IC, I think she needs to talk with someone who can help her unravel her thoughts.

I'm sorry that you're still struggling this much this far out. Since your wife is posting about her affair online, have you suggested she come here and post? Obviously there are a lot of FWWs here who can support and coach her. I suspect, based on what she's written, that the last thing she wants to do is to have more people call her out on her A, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

[This message edited by 1994 at 3:27 PM, Friday, April 19th]

Is she going to IC or is she trying to heal herself? It sounds like she needs professional guidance. I also think MC is in order to better help her see the big picture of the trauma that you've experienced and how best to heal it.

I notice that she neglected to mention in her reddit post that you just found out about her affair 3 years ago. She acts like you've been harping on it for 20 years.

The emails I got ahold of last year

And that that was another DDay.

I saw her other post. Did you really spend $10k on over 50 prostitutes while she was pregnant?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:40 PM, Saturday, April 20th]

I have a branding from 20 years ago that I will never be able to be finished with unless I divorce my husband.

I read your post through, and all I see in her words are "I, I, I, I ...". It is all about her, how she feels, etc.

I don't sense any remorse at all for what she has done.

I live with and love my wife, we have ongoing issues from the long term fallout from her affair and her ongoing mental health issues. However, if she ever posted anything like that, I would file for divorce. She had a judgement lapse several years ago, not telling me that a now divorced high school boyfriend, they were full in sexually active in their long past youth, had contacted her after moving to our area.

When I innocently discovered this, I sat down with her, told her that I was just fine with being done.

She should have told me. She should have known that she should have told me. She should have thought that she should have told me. She should have remembered what she did to me, and the damage it caused, and the lessons of 4+ years of MC.

I made it clear to her that moving forward she'd better never forget ME and US and her past AFFAIR when ANY man contacted her socially without involving me. We live in the same house...no problem communicating.

Your FWS seems not to have learned any lessons. She's still blaming you for her cheating.

I think that maybe the two of you are missing a key element in any marriage:

You are only there because you WANT to be there...

No – remove all excuses. The kids, pension, savings, finances... People divorce all the time and the kids, pension, savings, finances all seem to work out. As the adage goes: It’s better to be FROM a broken home rather than be IN a broken home. Unresolved infidelity will ONLY lead to a broken home...
Yes – there are changes, and it’s not easy. But at the end of the day the ONLY reason either of you should be married is because you want to be married.

With that in mind – when your wife posts stuff like:

I've come to the conclusion he'll never be over it and will forever be angry and resentful. I don't want negativity anymore. I don't want to be reminded anymore. I don't want to explain myself anymore. I made a mistake and I have tried my best to rectify it. Maybe I simply can't get freedom from my past mistakes. Maybe that's just part of life. It's unfortunate.

I think these happy people rid themselves of who they percieve as toxic or causing unhappyness with no regurd to how it will affect anyone.

I will never be able to be finished with unless I divorce my husband. I don't want that.

You should be thinking she’s in this marriage out of force and necessity. Not because she wants to be there.
There is no way to regain a marriage if you feel forced to be there. If the only reasons keeping here there are a misplaced fear of destroying the children’s lives and a fear of asking for a divorce.

Offer her freedom.
Let her know that you are going to be the brave one, and if that post really reflects her emotions then she doesn’t have to be the one that divorces you. YOU will divorce her. After all – YOU are in her eyes incapable of recovery, she still thinks the infidelity was a "mistake" and there is no clear path for the both of you to work things out.

Either that, or you BOTH agree on a path forwards that includes enabling you BOTH to clear the infidelity "mistake" and its consequences. Where you both realize your happiness is totally dependent on you yourself, and not each other except in the way you enhance each other’s happiness.

Hey everyone, thank you for weighing in. Im genuinely concerned for her state of mind right now given her renewed suicidal ideations in her last post and I think coming to her with my feelings around this is not the best timing, even though it is frustrating to see how I seem to be blamed as the biggest source of her depression. I believe her post is coming from a state of anguish. Im going to be stepping away from the forum again for awhile because sometimes Ive noticed it can fuel additional frustration and anger in me and I don't want that. The road to R is definitely not a straight line.

In reading what you have written and what she wrote, I am wondering, do you see and have you communicated to her, a true path to reconciliation.

What I am hearing from her words is confusion and a feeling of despair that there is nothing she can do that will fix what she broke. That there is no possible way for not only to get forgiveness from you, but to even find a place where you can enjoy life together again.

She will misstep going forward. But when she doesn’t. When she actually tries to do things that are relationship building, you can’t accept them because you still have the pain of what occurred.

So with that in mind, have you had a real conversation with yourself to determine if you truly ever can love and live with this person ever again knowing what happened 20 years ago. Because if there is no hope of that, then you end up two people just standing bashing their own heads against the wall.

I do believe she loves you. I do believe she wants to help you heal. I do believe she doesn’t always do it the right way. But I also believe if she did do something in a positive way, that you’re not able to absorb it or let it in.

It appears you did things in revenge as a response to her cheating. I believe you had a right to do that but probably found it did little to heal you.

What I’m trying to say here is perhaps you need to decide if there is anything she can possibly do to make you get the feeling that she’s all in with you and on your side here and can get to a place where you can actually enjoy living life with her. If there is, then you’re gonna have to find a way to work together when things are triggering and painful and not in a punishing way.

If you can’t see a way to that, then perhaps it’s time to agree to move on without each other.