SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TTG,

You wrote This was a few days ago, fast forward to today and I was told that she was panicking and thought I was leaving or having an affair.

Possibly because she senses a change in you due to your getting perspective and help, possibly a confidence and strength she thought she destroyed with her affair.

TTG,

One method, not exact, of discerning if your WW had sex with OW is to examine you pre during and post sex life with WW.

Were new things introduced that surprised you, things you did suddenly were refused, less or more enthusiasm etc any changes.

With my WW at one point licking my underarms made her orgasm intensely very out of character for my WW and somewhat shocking.

Survrus, I think u are definitely right in what yiu are saying. The realisation that I don't HAVE to stay has changed my perspective considerably and this has resulted in me nit being quite as submissive as I've been.
In relation to the sex, we had zero intimacy for nearly 12 months,I felt like a Leppar to be honest, constant rejection is not fun.
Now, if I'm tired or had a stressful day and don't feel like it, I'm accused of being gone off her.
There is also no compromise about sex, its a specific time to suit her too.
Really, wtf am I still doing here

TTG,

Despite your WW not getting STD testing, do so for yourself so you stay alive for your daughters.

Lack of symptoms is not a trustworthy indication, monitor your mouth,lips, throat and genitals for anything abnormal HPV can give you cancer years later.

6 years is not much

I just had an ugly feeling for 20 some years with nightmares at times

Jesus, 20 years

In relation to the sex, we had zero intimacy for nearly 12 months

Even without an A, this sounds awful. With an A, I'm not sure what's keeping you in this M at all. Some vague sense of obligation? Kids?

This0is0fine,
I now realise, I stayed for my kids. They are now 17 and 15 and I am dreading when they leave but at this point I think I will be gone first.
Regarding the intimacy, it was awful,I felt soooo rejected every time I tried to instigate it. Met with I'm not in the mood, not now, I'm starting menopause and I dint feel like it.
Even now, there is no regard to my needs with sex.

How is this M in any way meeting your needs? It sounds like you've suffered for a long time...

Justsomeguy,
I guess its not. The more you guys have made me think about it, I'm a fool and my life is a joke.
The most important things to me are my girls.
I really can't think of anything my WW is contributing to the marriage at this point.
She is living like a princess and me like a slave.

Many of us feel like fools, but our foolishness was trusting a person we were supposed to be able to trust.

TTG,

You wrote earlier "20 years Jesus"

Sorry not to reply sooner, there a actually lots of folks who post in the I can relate forum here, found out years later sub-forum, they post stuff like .....

I am 70 and in a similar but have added bonus of his renewed texting with AP from 44 years ago last year.

Which also highlights how being near to or having any contact with the OM or OW can reignite an affair no matter how long ago it was, 6 years is nothing.

One model of an affair is that it effects the brain in the same way other addictions do and just as a drunk can't go into a bar your WW can never have contact with OW, but living reasonably close put her at risk.

Hi all,
I thought I'd pop in and say hi. Things are more or less the same with me at the moment. I'm still trying to process a way out tbh.
My WW is in full on holiday mode now as we are away in a couple of weeks.
She is also in full on birthday mode, as a significant birthday for her is in a few months.
These two reasons are why I'm still here I guess.
One I dint want to ruin my girls holiday and two, even though my WW cheated, she is still the mother of my children and I couldn't bring myself to ruin her birthday.
I have no idea where I'm gonna go or when or what I'll do to break the news but it is coming.
I'm not happy

TTG,

So you see no hope of a full confession or improvement in your relationship?

Be prepared for WW to offer you something.

Sounds to me that even if you take away the cheating, you have a shitty one-sided marriage anyway.

When it becomes all too clear, the divorce option hits you like bricks. You just know.

I have the sense with your situation more than most that when you actually separate you are going to feel so much better. Just be sure that you don't keep postponing due to the next "big" event - it can become a cycle as it seems if you look hard enough there is always something coming up that the tough conversation is going to ruin. I do think that there are better and worse times to do things, but the reality is that separating is going to create some big time waves, so the best thing you can do is to have an actual plan about what you will do when you break the news. I hope you have sought legal assistance so you can take the appropriate legal steps to do it the "right" way.

I say get on with it. When I finally decided to leave - when I knew I was done - even getting my plan in place made me feel better. It was the same feeling I had when I decided to leave a job I wasn't happy with, but way amplified - just starting to look for a new job made me feel so much better, because I was taking control over my life - putting the wheels in motion to get out of a situation I simply was not willing to endure anymore.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:07 PM, Wednesday, May 29th]

Once again, thanks so much for the replies.
@survrus I don't even want a full confession at this stage, I couldn't care less. If when I leave she rekindles her relationship with the other woman so be it. I am beyond hatred or anger now.
@ohitsyou some days are fine, some days are shit. I don't claim to be an angel but I believe I have been an excellent husband and brilliant Dad.
She made a comment last week that she worries for when our kids are gone and that I have no interest in doing things with her. I probably have pulled back a good bit iver the past 6 months or so.
@thisissolonely I totally understand what you are saying. There is no good time to have that conversation, you are right that there always seems to be something coming along. 20 year anniversary in October etc.
I haven't sought legal advice as of yet. We have a fairly small mortgage and rhat is all we owe but yiur right, I do need to out a plan in place.

You have, what? 3 more years until your youngest leaves the household? Do you think you can continue to live like you have for the past 6 years? While there is some merit and understanding to stay for the kids to avoid a new man playing "dad" to your daughters, or possibly, a woman shacking up with their mom and opening that whole can of worms and issues for your daughters to deal with... just remember that in 3 years you will be 50 years old. Still somewhat young, but there is a noticeable difference in being a single forty-something versus a single 50 year-old man in the dating scene especially OLD. Now you may not want to jump straight into the dating scene and if so, great... just something to think about.

To a greater extent though... You are giving up more time in your life to live an unhappy and unsatisfactory life. Time is the one resource you can -NEVER- get back. If you have any sort of regret for the past 6 years, why would you want to continue to waste more valuable time. Forget the sunk cost thinking, this is a fallacy. If the regret you feel is too much, change your situation ASAP. Your daughters will eventually understand, heck if they've witnessed how your wife has treated you, they probably understand now. Is this the lesson you want your daughters to learn? Do you want your daughters to grow up thinking this is how a marriage should be? Would you want them to be in this type of marriage when they get older? What you've described is at least borderline abuse, if not outright abusive. What if they emulate you in their marriage, and allow their husband to shout at them all the time? Or worse? Hate to be such a downer, but please think about it.

Your daughters are old enough to have a private conversation with them, let them know this is not how a loving marriage should be. You don't have to tell them about your WW's affair 6 years ago (at least at this time, eventually you will, and I bet it will 'click' with your daughters and it will all fall into place with your daughters) But you need to express to them that this is not how a spouse should treat the other.

I haven't sought legal advice as of yet. We have a fairly small mortgage and rhat is all we owe but yiur right, I do need to out a plan in place.

Good - especially as you indicated in your jurisdiction their are requirements for divorce - not so simple as in what we call "no fault" states in the US and where there are no separation requirements or lengths of time that the parties must behave in certain ways before a divorce can be finalized. There are some states in the US that do have separation requirements in certain circumstances and the requirements for living separately and apart are quite rigid. Some also have counseling (marital) requirements. Whatever your jurisdiction's requirements are, it's best to know them and have a plan for how you will institute them upon breaking the news. The less you have to hash our after the fact the better.

Every single day you live in limbo you don’t get back. There was a popular song here in the US years ago I HOPE YOU DANCE. Think about it. When was the last time you were happy, felt joy, felt contentment. Think about the times you were miserable or blah. In all those cases you will never be that age again.

Get going. Make decisions. Find some fun. And do it soon.