SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I get the feeling she senses that I'm not ok.
But she is happy to continue on as things are, as nothing has changed for her since dday, I fact I would say things have gotten even better for her.
And just for thr record i am not here to bash the woman, she is the mother of my children.

So what are your options? Next step?

I think I need to speak to a solicitor/lawyer and see how the land lies.
My parents both died when I was relatively young (30) and have no where to go to live so that's gonna be an issue.
There is currently a housing crisis here and accommodation is nit easily obtained.

The moment you take an action everything will change. Your perspective, your vision of the future, your relationship with your wife. Go see the solicitor. Knowledge is power.

Sending strength!

Time2go,

What has your WW done to help you recover?

How far away does the OW live.

Does your WW still have mutual friends with OW.

Did your WW ever take a polygraph or given you a complete confession voluntarily.

What consequences did you rain down on the OW. Exposure etc.

Did your WW get tested for STDs or did she claim it was never physical.

How does your WW view the OW now does she still think of her as a friend.

My WW quit her job but that's about it with regards to helping me heal.
The OW lives near enough but I have not seen her since the A, nit that I would be looking for her either.
I don't think they have any mutual friends and I there are no polygraph etc over here.
I have never got a full on warts and all confession.
There were NO consequences for my WW from what I can recall, the status quo has not changed and you would think nothing ever happened.
Only on the odd occasion where I may pull away and then I get the your gonna leave treatment.
She never got tested for STD and hiw right u are that she said rhey were never sexual, I never believed that btw.

One major issue here is that your WW is lying to you and she knows it and you know it.

Adults don't fall madly in love with each other for a whole year and then do nothing.

If the OW has a husband or SO of some description expose the affair.

If the husband or SO knew or tolerate the affair then they are also accountable.

The OW was nit married or in a relationship with anyone, I know this fir a fact.
Madly in love is a term that was us3d is some of the texts I viewed in real time

6 years of rugsweeping sounds brutal. Would you say you are R'd or just in perpetual limbo?

You say things are better for her. That's fine, your marriage should get better (functionally) in R. Is it better for you too?

Sorry I looked for R'd in the acronyms but couldn't fine it.
I feel like I'm nearly under constant pressure or control,for example, I went to town yesterday, its 10 minutes away to go to some shops, got home and was questioned why it takes me so long etc.
As I said it nearly feels like it is me that had rhe A, if that makes sense.
I don't think things are better for me no.

R is "reconciliation". R'd is "reconciled".

One of the most important things we did that really started reconciliation in a major way / marriage 2.0 was to write down long term goals and desires for the relationship and to map a course to get there.

I don't want to put words into your mouth, but maybe in your post A marriage you still feel quite taken for granted and controlled.

It seems like you are leaning towards D. Have you talked with you wife about considering D now? Have you thought about trial separation first?

DARVO, deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

Did your WW ever treat you with respect and love.

It sounds like your WW did the right thing that her family wanted her to do, but she never felt completely satisfied with you hence the screaming at you.

If you can't get a polygraph visit the OW and calmly ask for the truth, OW did this to your children too don't forget.

What do your kids know about the OW was she introduced as an Auntie to them they could know more than you think, but kids will keep it inside as they fear for their family

I think I was foolish 6 years ago and did not want to loose my family and disrupt my kids etc.
I also felt shame as to why would a guys wife have a A with another woman?
I have plodded along for the 6 years since and I feel and am now at a stage where my kids will soon be gone and I will be left.
I am still young(47), I think, and have many years god willing ahead if me.
I'm not naive and do know that couples always have arguments but it's the sheer venom from my WW is unacceptable to me anymore.
Literally grinding teeth and foaming at the mouth.
I think my WW did do what her family wanted etc. Maybe she has never been happy with me, who know.
Approaching the OW is not an option at this stage, it's gone too long.

IMHO you have a couple of acceptable options, and one that IMHO would be far from ideal.

To get the last one out of the way – the not-so-ideal option:
Do nothing, and see if things either change or you get so used to your life it becomes bearable. Funnily – this is the option very many chose, hidden behind some excuse like finances or kids or whatever. Many even have a good-enough marriage of some sorts. Sort of like you have been trying for the last years.

The two acceptable options:
Divorce. It does sound like you are semi-set on that course.
Just remember that it’s totally open to you, and you don’t even have to tell your wife or anyone else why. I would suggest you do tell your wife that her same-sex affair is what pushed you out of the marriage, but what you tell anyone else is totally up to you. It’s a common misunderstanding that we need to justify divorce to others, or that the person with the better reason "wins".

You could tell your wife you want the Big D, you two could hustle down to a solicitors and have about 90% of the work done in less than a week. Don’t know the law where you are, but generally it quite clearly states how things are divided. You can moan for a few days about how you might lose a part of your pension, or how you have to sell the family-home, but that will all be pretty predefined by the procedures over there. That would then start the required time apart, and basically allow you both to restart your emotional lives.

The other is to reconcile. In this situation that would require one very basic thing to be 100% clear:
Your wife’s sexual orientation and her willingness to be with you in a purely heterosexual relationship.

Look – I like burnets and raven-haired beauties. I guess I could be called a multi-colored heterosexual male. But my wife is blond. So blond is what I do. More specifically: my wife.
If your WW says she’s bi she can refuse herself the same-sex aspect of her emotional and sexual life – like I skip the redheads. If she comes out as gay... The possibility of a good marriage are out the door.
So get to the bottom of that first.

If she states she wants you and THIS marriage... Then you two could reconcile if you were both willing to do the hard work required. It does sound like the only work done was that she (possibly) stopped the active affair. You two would need A LOT more to move on. That probably requires a lot of conversations, therapy and a plan of action to move on.

It’s your call. You don’t have to wait for the next argument to file. You simply need to decide what you want.

This is the quick analogy I came to. You bought a new car. You loved it. You kept it polished. You changed the oil and tires when needed. You got tune ups. But some time over the years it got a few dings, the seats got worn, everyone spilled foot in it. It got older and dingier but you kept it going. Then there were a couple of scary fender benders and although it looked ok you knew there was Bondo under the paint. One day you realized that you had done what a good car owner does and it wasn’t enough anymore. Do you hang on or let it go?

Your marriage might be over. It is that simple.

Wow, more great perspectives, thank u all so much.
I believe it is now only a matter of time until I say the words.
I was planning a trip to visit a few of my mates and the usual questions ensued, where r u staying, how long, yiur not going etc etc
This was a few days ago, fast forward to today and I was told that she was panicking and thought I was leaving or having an affair.
From a most basic standpoint I can't live like this and be constantly scrutinised, I have nothing to warrant this type of behaviour tbh.
I can totally understand wanting to know where I'm staying etc don't get me wrong but I don't believe it's out of concern

I was planning a trip to visit a few of my mates and the usual questions ensued, where r u staying, how long, yiur not going etc etc

Actually... in a marriage these are all relevant questions.

Look – what are you waiting for? If you want out – get out. If you want a shot at R then take that shot at R.

Yes, Bigger, u are quite right that these questions are all relevant in a marriage.

If your W is gay, I think I could understand her vitriol - it could be coming from staying when she really wants to leave.

It also looks as if you've rugswept for 6 years.

Either way, your best bet is to have some serious heart-to-heart talks with your W. A good MC can help you talk, if you need help. You'd be using the MC to help communicate, not for anything else at this point.

I recommend as strongly as I can that you deal with your shame and with the other feelings and thoughts that came with being betrayed. Those thoughts and feelings are festering, and they'll stay with you until you address them directly whether you D or stay or R. Again, a good IC can help.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:53 PM, Tuesday, April 16th]

One thing to think about…Bigger, and others, come here to let a traumatized bs know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. They have reconciled and bring their knowledge so that many different perspective are available. If you have never been able to recover from the A you might need to move on. But. There is always a "but", but R does happen.

I am going to put a weird piece of info here. Years ago Ellen DeGeneres had a girlfriend, the actress Anne Heche. Ms Heche said she fell in love with a person not their sex. That might be what happened with your wife. Here is where any excuse falters. It was still cheating. The sex doesn’t matter. I consider that a red herring. You need the truth. Why did she cheat. The answer is because she wanted to. She has to deal with the fall out.

I agree that you both need a third party to give some support and guidance because both of you are stuck.