SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's a complicated backstory, but I will try to make it short. About 6 months into his affair, WS developed ED. About a year into his LTA, he stopped having sex with me entirely. It was around the same time as I got sick, but when I asked him about it, he said his libido was just gone and he couldn't explain it, maybe it was "man-o-pause," etc. Yes, a big stinky load of horseshit. From that time, every few months, I would approach him, and he would push me away. In the meantime, I went through actual menopause and developed a chronic illness.

Dday1 happened 1.5 years into our "dead bedroom" situation (2.5 years of LTA). After the mandatory STD testing period, I was eager and ready to resume our sex life, but WS was still struggling with ED and he was still "sexually oriented to the AP" (yeah, his words). So I waited for him to get over her. We tried sensual touch, massage, date nights. Every couple months we would try to be intimate, and sometimes it would work, sometimes not. Before the affair, we were once-a-week, and way back when we first got together in our early 20s, almost every day, so emotionally, I felt like he was continuing to reject me.

I also had a lot of pain and discomfort when we tried, and eventually went in for medical advice. The appointment waits have been very long. I found out just a couple months ago that due to the chronic illness, my pelvic muscles are locked up, and due to the menopause, the tissues have atrophied. I have some medicine that can help with the latter, but I will need to use it lifelong, and unless the area is "regularly stimulated" (ideally twice a week!), I will continue to have pain and discomfort during sex. In addition to pharmaceutical help, I will also need months of invasive physical therapy.

At this point, after 4 ddays (including false R) and 3 years of little to no intimacy, I gave up. I cried in my therapist's office that I have lost my sex life thanks to WS's neglect. The hospital where the PT was to happen is too far away for me to visit regularly. Had we maintained our pre-affair habits, I would not have this problem.

Now I barely want to hug or kiss WS, much less have any kind of sensual contact with him. Any thoughts in that direction make me angry and depressed. He is very sad and sorry, etc., but that doesn't change the facts of the situation, and he is physically incapable of being intimate on a weekly basis. He has tried ED meds, but they often don't work, and higher dosage gives him miserable side effects, so that also doesn't work.

We are in our late 40s/early 50s. R has been hard enough with a period of false R and major trickle truth. Now I feel all tangled up about physical intimacy in addition to the trust and emotional intimacy issues. How can R possibly work with this much negativity? I'm trying to give us 3 years (until our kid is 18 and hopefully goes off to college), but I don't know if I can last that long.

That sound very painful op, I am sorry you are in this situation. As a side question Have you looked into HRT?

My understanding is that ED can be caused by a multitude of reasons some of which he can do something about. For example overusing porn, alcohol, smoking (apparently), high blood pressure, high cholesterol, drugs, not enough exercise plus many more.

Does he know why and if it is exacerbated by any of the reasons above what is he doing about it?

I think this is the type of issue that you may tolerate, until they have an affair, and then you think no.

Also if he had ever uttered the words unmet needs I would struggle to be quiet. If he isn’t doing everything to find out why and fix anything that is fixable I would assume he isn’t serious about reconciliation.

What would you like to happen?

Yeah, if you don't use it, you lose it. You can get a lot of it back, though, if you have a willing partner. This may be TMI, but intercourse is painful for my W, but she still seems to enjoy herself. Alas, I suffer from ED myself. Neither of us is as capable as we were. But, you know, there are ways....

Funny thing. In 1966, Masters and Johnson said they were specializing in 'geriatric sex' - sex in which one partner was 50 or older. I was 22, and I wanted a lot more than 28 more years.

To R, I required my W to love me, desire me (although the words I used were 'be in love with me'), and agree to monogamy going forward. I was unwilling to R unless sex was on the table. I most assuredly can understand any BS (or WS for that matter) choosing D if one's partner didn't feel strong sexual desire for them.

The thing is: you have to make your own choice. It's not 'Can R succeed without sex?' It most assuredly can. The question is, 'Do you want to R with someone who won't have sex with you?'

It doesn't matter why your H won't have sex. He might feel overwhelmed with shame. If sex is a requirement for R, he needs to step up or tell you he won't. Sticking with him while he tries out various ways of getting his mojo back can make some sense. Staying with him if he can't get his mojo back can make sense in your specific situation.

But I urge you to choose mindfully, and I urge you to be true to yourself. Don't sell yourself out.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:17 PM, Wednesday, April 10th]

To Abcd: I'm using hormone-based cream, which is helping but is not sufficient.

My understanding is that ED can be caused by a multitude of reasons some of which he can do something about. For example overusing porn, alcohol, smoking (apparently), high blood pressure, high cholesterol, drugs, not enough exercise plus many more.

He could stand to lose some weight and exercise more, and he's been "working on it" for more than a year now with little consistency. He could stop drinking (he's a weekend drinker) and stop smoking pot, but he "enjoys them and it's not that much". He's on meds for high BP but they are supposed to help with ED? He's also on Wellbutrin. He also recently took up cigar smoking (recently as in the last month or two), which I objected to, but he says 1-2 cigars a week won't impact his health and again "it makes me happy." I honestly don't know how much difference it would make if he changed some of these habits. He is convinced that if he can drop some pounds and workout more consistently, he'll be fine.

He hasn't brought up unmet needs since the affair, but in the past he has complained about needing more frequent sex, so I do sometimes worry that me not wanting him anymore will become a problem/point of resentment.

What would you like to happen?

I think what I'm looking for is hope that things can actually get better (emotionally or physically, I'll take either). I'm not feeling a lot of optimism after 4 ddays and my body's multiple failure points. I recall sometime last year in MC that I said, "I'll take what affection I can get from WS," and the MC thought that was really sad. Now I'm so resentful that I don't want anything from him. I'm looking for reassurance, I guess, that I can get to a better place one day.

To sisoon: you raise a good point.

The thing is: you have to make your own choice. It's not 'Can R succeed without sex?' It most assuredly can. The question is, 'Do you want to R with someone who won't have sex with you?'

Well, at this point, the tables have turned. I think he would like to have sex, but I'm too pissed off about the situation. Plus, he doesn't have the desire or ability to do it as often as I need, and I get way too upset when trying to do the necessary "stretching" by myself.

I worry that this is unhealthy and unhelpful for both of us in the long run, but I don't know how to get past my mental blocks. Lately I have been feeling increasingly like R is impossible. I go back and forth on whether I want it anymore. Mostly, if I'm honest, I don't, but D right now also sounds impossible because it would be so destabilizing for our teen, who is already dealing with a lot (recent diagnosis of autism, anxiety, and depression, plus high school). I am feeling very stuck.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 2:27 AM, Thursday, April 11th]

I just started HRT and was amazed at how quickly the little skin patches improved the whole plumped up situation for me. I had expected it to take six months and instead it was a few weeks. sex is no longer painful. I realize not everyone can take systemic estrogen which may be why you are doing the cream and therapy.

point number two - oral sex for you. This will provide some "stimulation" AND you can feel like he’s doing some penance. just a thought. you deserve it.

Maybe there is a bit too much pressure and pain wrapped up in your sex life and you need to come at this from a different angle.

First of all, late 40’s is too soon to lose your sex life. Forget about him for a moment. He could die tomorrow or you could divorce. Surely you would not want to go the rest of your life without sex?

Under this framing, you need to see the stretching and such as for you. Not for him. Masturbation and being able to sub in sex toys are both good starts. I would stop worrying right now about the two of you and focus on you and what you need to reclaim your sexuality. I am in my late forties and perimenopausal. Guess what I have learned? Women of our age have stronger, longer climax because our clitoris is bigger, it continues to grow. I am experiencing the most pleasure in my entire life right now. I might not need it as often but it’s definitely a completely different ballgame when I decide to play.

Get a handle on this for you. Then see what you can do to integrate him if you decide that’s what you want. He is not in charge of your sexuality and leaving it up to him to do is just never going to work. You do not want to continue to atrophy or lose your abilities, you likely still have almost half your life yet to live. Sexual healing is important for you and you need to stop relying on him to give you that.

Perhaps the next step I would take is I would ask that we spend time having intimacy a few times a week. It doesn’t have to lead to intercourse. The bonding can happen through kissing, touching, and I like the previous posters idea- get you some oral sex. Call it play time. Just enjoy receiving pleasure. I don’t know if your husband is like mine but when I am into it and enjoying myself that’s when the viagra isn’t even needed. (The pills do work for him, mostly, but not perfectly)

I couldn’t bring myself to have sex after my husbands affair. I was depressed, grossed out, all the feelings. To get us back we did this. Several times a week we spent an hour in bed together naked just connecting. When there was no pressure we learned to have fun with it. When we were having fun with it we started looking forward to it, and eventually we started reimagining our sex life.

But with all the doom and gloom surrounding your sex life, and the health concerns in too, it’s really not mysterious, and it’s not going to get better in its own.

So, take control of your sex life. And leave him out of it for now. Remember this isn’t just a thing married people are supposed to do, but it is a gift for you to enjoy. Your body is a miracle and it does all sorts of cool stuff. You are far from old yet. Enjoy the cool stuff. Later, if you want to enjoy the cool stuff with him or divorce and have partners later, working on improving your life for you is always a well needed investment.

You have lots of life ahead of you. Your best days are still ahead of you. Don’t give up. Get you some artificial "stretchers" and embrace pleasing yourself.

Oh and to answer the question in the subject line, I am going to say the answer is no.

You can remain married, yes. Reconciling to me is getting back a completely working marriage.

But maybe the focus should be less on reconciliation and more on you healing and finding ways to be happier and more fulfilled. When that happens, you may not even decide to take him along with you.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:45 PM, Thursday, April 11th]

Regarding the pain of intercourse and vaginal atrophy , you can slowly remedy it using Vaginal Dilator . It looks like dildo that comes in different sizes . My gynecologist recommended it to me.

Use a good lubricant with it and do it twice a week. Since it comes in a pack of different sizes, you can choose the size according to your comfort level and increase slowly when you feel comfortable …. It comes with instruction .

I noticed a difference only within a month or so .
You can order the Vaginal Dilator on line .
Good luck !!

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I do have dilators and instructions. I just get very very depressed when I sit down to use them, and it is difficult to force myself to do something that's physically painful when my mental state is also in the dumps. With a teenager in the house, and WS currently unemployed, it's also tough to find private time.

hikingout, I have tried to reframe this as a thing for myself, but it is hard to separate from the grief I have about how I ended up in this situation.

You have lots of life ahead of you. Your best days are still ahead of you. Don’t give up. Get you some artificial "stretchers" and embrace pleasing yourself.

Thank you for saying this, but it is hard to believe because of my disability, which is a lifelong incurable condition. I developed this during the affair, so the two together over the past couple years has really diminished my capacity for hope. The dreams I have now are mostly for my kid. For myself, I just want some peace and quiet to live out the rest of my life. I can't hold a job. My parents are elderly. There's not a lot left for me to do other than parenting, and that will diminish as the teen becomes an adult.

I don't expect to have romance or sex in my future, quite honestly. If I leave my WS, I am too disabled to go on dates or do the kinds of activities where you make new friends, and I feel (at least right now) like sex is not something I would miss. I'm pretty happy with the ways I can take care of myself without penetration (TMI apologies!).

I think I'm also wrestling with the fairly common "I don't want WS to touch me" thing that seems to happen. It is compounded by the lack of HB and the years of DB, but it's probably the same underlying problem that many BSes seem to have. I'm also still very much in limbo about R, and I go back and forth on it daily, so that is probably not helping. I tried doing sensate focused time with WS last year, when *he* was reluctant to touch me, but he never looked forward to it. Now I get grumpy thinking about having to put myself through the same thing just because he's finally ready (so he says; I have serious doubts that he would want to do this multiple times a week).

Ugh, I don't know. Mostly I find the whole situation incredibly depressing.

My parents are elderly. There's not a lot left for me to do other than parenting, and that will diminish as the teen becomes an adult.

I am sorry that this is where you find yourself. I will just say that despite no disability and a good career at the time of my empty nest, I felt hopeless too. There is some normalcy to what you are feeling that supersedes all the rest of the things that you mention.

We spend so much of our life pouring into things and other people that sometimes during such a big transition we can’t picture our lives having anything good in them. Ironically, this was a lot of what I was struggling with when I sought out my affair.

I don’t know about your condition, but there are hobbies and different joys that can still be found. I know the problem is feeling like doing them. Sometimes you just have to keep trying. Do you have any outside friendships? I didn’t have a lot of close friends, there wasn’t a lot of time to foster those relationships in the way I built my life. I could t have even told you what I liked to do in my free time.

Now I write a lot. I did finish a book, it’s pretty amateur but I enjoyed the process. Painting, drawing, volunteering is even still possible from a seated position. There are many wonderful things ahead of you and for a long time it’s hard to want to look or try with all that’s going on. I encourage you not to just sit and wait to die though. (That’s literally what it feels like, I have been there)

I don't expect to have romance or sex in my future, quite honestly. If I leave my WS, I am too disabled to go on dates or do the kinds of activities where you make new friends, and I feel (at least right now) like sex is not something I would miss. I'm pretty happy with the ways I can take care of myself without penetration (TMI apologies!).

I am glad you still enjoy your sexuality sometimes. I think you can find activities though, you may just have to try new things and thinking outside the box. I suspect being disabled may make you feel less lovable but you are lovable.

I think I'm also wrestling with the fairly common "I don't want WS to touch me" thing that seems to happen. It is compounded by the lack of HB and the years of DB, but it's probably the same underlying problem that many BSes seem to have. I'm also still very much in limbo about R, and I go back and forth on it daily, so that is probably not helping. I tried doing sensate focused time with WS last year, when *he* was reluctant to touch me, but he never looked forward to it. Now I get grumpy thinking about having to put myself through the same thing just because he's finally ready (so he says; I have serious doubts that he would want to do this multiple times a week).

Yes, this is understandable. I didn’t want to be near my h after his affair either. It wasn’t even probably a fair way to feel after what I had done but I just couldn’t help it. It’s just how I felt. Maybe set a goal of once a week to start, and see how it goes. I know for sometime for me it was just needing to be held and touched and for a while I think I was using him for that. There is a lot of healing from touch and I focused on that because it’s what I needed. You may not need that.

I know there is a lot of pain from both the affair and the diagnosis, and things seem bleak right now. That is completely understandable. I just want you to know you are divinely loved and inherently worthy. As long as there is life things can and do change. I still feel some of your best days are in front of you, and I hope you will find the will to create a life that you can still enjoy and have hope in. You have been through a shit ton that I know it’s not simple to navigate. But I still say these things because i have hope for you. Life is going to be different but different doesn’t have to mean not worth living it. Best wishes to you and your healing.

Oh and in light of all that you are dealing with, if you can swing it at all please consider doing some therapy. I think most people need it and you are navigating unknown territory in which I believe it can help.

It seems to me that he is doing a lot of deliberate actions that will prevent him from getting an erection. The drinking. The smoking.

There are ways to please you in the bedroom. Why isn't he doing that?

He could. He could also find a medication that works well for him. He could also stop drinking and smoking. He's not. Because he doesn't want to.

He wouldn't have sex with you,for a long time,because he was more interested in being with OW..even if the affair was over.

I wonder if this ED is self imposed.

I encourage you not to just sit and wait to die though. (That’s literally what it feels like, I have been there)

Indeed, hikingout, you have been there, and that is exactly where I am on many days. I am seeing therapist (started IC around the time it was clear my illness turned into a disability). She also promises that with time, I will get to a better place, and she often points out that I've taken a lot of hits these past 3 years, first with the diagnosis, then dday1 a year later, then multiple ddays the year after that, and the pelvic/sexual diagnosis just a couple months ago.

I'm sorry you went through this phase, but your story gives me, and your kind words bring tears to my eyes. There is a small part of me that hopes in 5 or 10 years, I will look back on this time as a bad period of my life. It's hard to nurture that, but I guess it's existence is what keeps me going.

As for self fulfillment, I actually made a career transition a few years ago to become a novelist, and I've gotten several books published. My illness makes even that work difficult, though. It is heartbreaking because my career was just starting to ramp up. I know it is something I can go back to. Luckily being a writer is one of the few vocations that ages well. I do have friends, though my dearest friends all live far away. I've been trying to make it a point to reach out and talk to them more regularly now that all our kids are getting more independent. I used to have a long "bucket list" for retirement, but I'm physically unable to do those things anymore, and I haven't come up with a new list because I am so uncertain what the future will bring. Multiple traumas in a close span of time will do that, I guess (so says my therapist).

He could also find a medication that works well for him. He could also stop drinking and smoking. He's not. Because he doesn't want to.

Hellfire, yes indeed. He has always been an "and" guy, not an "or" guy. As in, "I can drink and smoke cigars AND if I exercise enough and lose some weight, my ED will get better." He will do extra work, but he won't give up the things he loves. I asked him last year to give up drinking (he wasn't smoking yet) for 3 months. He didn't want to and gave me a big spiel about how it was all going to fine, I just had to give him more time. And there was "stress about work," which was constant. I'm glad he got laid off. He doesn't have that excuse anymore.

He will often say he wants to do things or for things to be a certain way ("I want to lose weight" or "I want to get healthy again" or "I want to do more weight lifting to increase my T levels" or haha "I don't want to have another affair") - and I have pointed out that wanting something isn't the same as committing to doing something and following through. These are the little things that make me question our long term future.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 4:33 PM, Saturday, April 13th]

I have to agree with HellFire and say this sounds like a "will" issue with your husband. He may not be willfully giving himself ED but it certainly doesn’t sound like he is pulling out all the stops to get better.

I also had issues with ED. Meds helped. After I learned of my wife’s affairs, it got much worse (mind movies and all). I never smoked, didn’t drink and WANTED to get better . The meds quit being effective. I partnered with a urologist and we tried many things. Turns out my Testosterone was extremely low (in talking to other BM, this seems to happen quite often after finding out about cheating wives). I tried topical T but that didn’t work. Injections did the trick. Not only did the meds start to work again, I quit needing them.

You mention your husband mentioned "working out to boost his T". Sometimes, we need more than that. Has he been partnering with a Dr or "self diagnosing and treating"? There are also other things to try like vacuum pumps (in partner with a medical professional) and injections in the penis that work great (but not fun to administer/ again, what is the "will").

You hit the nail on the head. He can’t just "think about" doing things to improve. He has to take action. And partner with a medical professional.

You hit the nail on the head. He can’t just "think about" doing things to improve. He has to take action. And partner with a medical professional.

Yes, this is what led me down months of frustration last year until I finally gave up in rage and despair. There are things he could do - like stop drinking and smoking for 3-6 months - that he is unwilling or unable to do. Someone on another of my threads made a wise point that past a point, it doesn't matter whether his actions are within in his control. The consequences are the same, and they are mine to bear, so I'm the one who has to take action. Unfortunately, my brain decided that the appropriate action is to pull away from him.

Last summer, after he got a CPAP machine, he was sure that would help his ED, and he swore that we would have more frequent intimacy. Guess what didn't happen? Yup, we still only connected about once a month. There were many "reasons" - he got sick, bad stuff happened at work, a week of trickle truth. But I know that in our younger days, those "reasons" would not have stopped him. And his ED did not stop him from screwing his AP, though admittedly they only saw each other once or twice a month.

I really just don't know if/how I can get past the bitterness of the past year. He is being a good human being in a lot of other ways, and he occasionally tests the waters to see if I want to try again, but I really just don't have the heart to rekindle our sex life, not when it requires me to spend quality time with plastic on a regular basis. I have to extra work to be ready for the once or twice a month that he's willing, and that just boils my blood. I can't *force* him to develop healthier habits or to see his doctor, and setting ultimatums about sex seem like a surefire way to kill the mood for both of us.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 4:01 AM, Monday, April 15th]