SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think a response to this

According to him, I’m not communicating

Would be to agree. Tell him you have realized it is pointless to communicate when one party insists on lying.

bitch what are you doing going through my stuff was the reply..(amazing).

I have never called my wife this even though she cheated on me with 6 men. IMO, completely unacceptable and should tell you exactly where his level or respect for you (and women in general) lies.

I admire you for sticking with your WH and R, I'm not sure if I have the willingness.

This is only recommended if the WS is working their butt off trying to become safe and show real change. You don’t have that… so you should not be willing to give more of your life to fix a problem that is not yours.

I really hope you can dig deep inside and find the strength we know is there as you start to get the space from implementing the 180. It gets better is true… that doesn’t mean better includes him always.

Thanks for your last message.. things have moved on, well, I'm kind of moving on. I'm just much calmer now, generally, I saw IC last week, on my own I add, after asking WH if he was coming, not prepared, covered in oil, gotta change, didn't know, the excuses, so I just went on my own, he did say as I was leaving that he would go next time on his own, then we could go together. I'm afraid I just waved my hand at him and said no.
I think I've lost respect, don't much like who he is/has become despite there they're being live and care for him still in my head, I don't want him touching me never mind intimacy. I feel sad.
I spoke about lining the ducks up, my IC thinks I'm pretty sorted kind of person (though I would/will crumble) to handle life on my own. And is there to support me if and when needed. So an appointment has been made with my solicitor to talk through stuff. And now after he's seen (yes he made an appointment all by himself with no reminder from me) his IC this week, I will be asking him for a separation, or straight D..we're not on the same page, he won't let me see his phone and I can't do the head fog/emotion every day...I cannot imagine struggling for 2 years or more?? How does anyone fo that? Maybe this was meant to be, we were running down the M subconsciously? I know it will be bloody hard..but I'm struggling more on Where to live not how!! I can't get over the lack of empathy, the indifference he has shown this last year or so.
Is this normal to feel like this (for me, since the 2 feb this year? When he told me his AP was a mentor helping him online) ..is this a short period of time? Long enough to know in your gut it's finished? I really don't think I can do anything physically intimate with him again..ever. Over 30 years is a long time to be with someone, been with him longer than I haven't..so it's very strange to be thinking this..but the calmness over me is ethereal..normal????

I felt numb for a while, then rage, then depression. It’s possible your emotions will follow a similar pattern. You’re doing the right things, just stay the course and keep it up with IC.

Yes, your feelings are normal. It's common for them to be all over the place and then to feel numb.

I filed for D the week before our 34th wedding anniversary. I'd been married for longer than I'd been single. You can look up "sunk cost fallacy" to get some perspective. 30 years is a lot of time to spend with somebody, but sometimes it's better to stop sinking time and money into something that isn't working.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It's tough. I remember when I told my WW we were done and I was divorcing her. Themselves of peacecwas palpable. I still grieved the end of my M, but I felt peace. When I finally got my own place, I bought a mug with the word peace emblazoned on it. I still use it every morning...

Well I truly give up..WH went to IC yesterday..actually made an effort to ask this evening how I think we should move forward..the says he should move out as he can't live like this..I asked what is it going to achieve? Carry on with IC or MC? Otherwise we just married people living apart? What for? So I said just sell up and D. No that's not gonna happen straight away is it? Well no..asked him to explain how he's not said sorry to my face..he's fine with saying sorry in messenger..but what about to me? To me in person? Why won't he talk about why he's not made any effort to 'heal' this bar shoeing me phone twice, laptop once, then passcoding both, asked if he realised it doesn't reassure me just makes me think he's back doing stuff? He won't answer but answers over me telling me I talk over him..wtf? Doesn't want to talk about it now, I said you never want to talk about it and you say to me I'm the one with communication problems (I have shut down in the past year, due to grieving and receiving no empathy so what's the point)?
He still is blaming me, taking no accountability for choosing the wrong route, it's my fault. And also my fault for not seeing it's because of lack of communication ..he's missing the point by a universe. He's blocking. So my ducks are lined up with the solicitor, I have to wait until I have some ££ through before I can file as I can see no other way..how has this happened..30+ nearly 40 years poof gone just like that..and I thought he was clever man. I'm so bloody upset tired disbelieving confused scared

Deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender (DARVO) is a form of abuse. It's a form of manipulation to minimize your experiences. Please read up about it because it is detrimental to your mental health.

I'm so bloody upset tired disbelieving confused scared

This early on, all of these emotions are normal. Well, normal for this messed up abnormal situation. It does get better eventually. Hang in there.

Sorry he's being such a jerk.

You mean it gets better mentally for me, on my own, going through a D or ? I’m floundering..thank god for work today or I’d go bat crazy.. I can’t see him talking anytime soon, this is a repetitive scene, walk away, not answer questions, wonders why my voice raises due to frustration at no response from him. I wish I had family members to help me but they’ve all gone now..

I think it will be extremely stressful immediately after he moves out but you have to go through that before you feel better. After a while of not being in the toxic situation of co existing with him you will slowly start to feel better and heal. It will be hard at first and you should prepare yourself for that and treat yourself with kindness but you will get through it.

I felt better immediately once WS was out of the house. I had been getting up in the middle of the night to look at their messages on his ipad and 3 nights of that was enough to know what was going on. More was making me crazy and I couldn't sleep as it was. My IC suggested asking him to leave and honestly I think he couldn't wait because that gave them more freedom to meet up. I say that I got my balance back and could start looking at the future and working out how to navigate this trauma.

I also concur that some distance from him will give you more clarity. If you can make it so that you don't have to be around him that much, I say take it so it can help you bide your time until you can separate from him for real. Trying to talk to him ain't doing anything and it just gives him good DARVO practice.

If he moves out, what will it achieve..I'm asking myself but now I'm seeing it, no atmosphere.! He went out earlier for an hour or do and my shoulders returned to normal position.
Though what will it achieve? Bar stalling things..putting things on hold..? Yes it gives me both peace and quiet no stress but doesn't 'do' anything .
And to top it all he announced his brother and wife are coming over for a night next month...!!! I did say I don't think thats a good idea ..sure we can get through it was the reply.. No! It's so not, so inappropriate ..

sure we can get through it

Pay close attention to this. He's SURE. This is a man who doesn't believe you're going anywhere. He's not doing any necessary work on himself. He believes he can bully you into sweeping it under the rug.He's sure of it.

Maybe you should simply call the in-laws, and tell them unfortunately, you can't entertain guests at this time. You are trying to recover from your unremorseful husband's infidelity. And, that it's not going so well, because he refuses to talk about it, be open and honest,and has been an all around ass since dday.

You won't have to deal with guests, and he will learn,very quickly, that he isn't on the solid ground he thinks he is. Win/win.

It will do something, just not right away.

Though what will it achieve? ……. but doesn't 'do' anything

It allows your body and mind to come down from the heightened survival mode it is in. You can’t think critically or clearly when surviving in at the forefront. We know your literal survival is not in danger but the trauma of this means our lower levels don’t understand the distinction. To me this is when decisions on the future should be made and is the purpose behind the 180, or separation, or just giving enough time to pass in the case where the WS is remorseful and working hard to change. Please listen to your body. It is telling you that you are needed that space.

I have noticed over the years that there are two ways a marriage falls apart, like this which is bleeding slowly to death, or the WS leaves immediately. I used to think that was horrible to walk out, but I’m beginning to think now it’s the best of two horrible things. Your WS has been dragging this out forever and every single day it’s taken a toll on your health. (This has nothing to do with my marriage, but I had a job that was so stressful that in a years time I started paying the physical price for it and I still am and the doctor said I always will). Stress is cumulative. Your body cannot heal from it after a while. Digestive problems, heart, problems, medicine on top of medicine on top of medicine. You want to go into the rest of your life without all of that on your shoulders. You have a job, save up some money, get to your solicitor, and get moving. Your husband is either going to get right with the program or he’s not and if he does not you absolutely have nothing to work with. Gray rock is absolutely the best thing you can do because it acts like he is a totally invisible entity in your house. If he ask you a question answer it with yes or no. If he wants more of an answer than that, it’s up to him to figure out how to get it because you’re not going try anymore. This is the day you stop trying.

I'm sorry, he cheats, refuses to admit or talk about it, blames/insults/stonewalls you, but expects you to entertain guests???

Yeah, he practically thinks he can do whatever he wants and expects you to roll over and take it. I hope he's wrong.

Well, I think my friend was right and he actually checked out of this marriage a while back. I asked him to clarify that he thought it was acceptable to have his brother and sil to stay overnight in a couple of weeks whilst we are where we are int his marriage, yes, was the reply, just act like normal. I said no I can’t, I’m not lying for you, pretending it’s all ok here, I can’t. He said he did when we were down finishing clearing my mums house when we saw my family..my uncle? I said, were you going to tell him about what you’ve done then? Do what you want he said. I said you do know this relationship is over now don’t you, he said yes. So I’ve messaged my Sil and said we are having major marriage problems, that don’t look like resolving, and I cannot entertain them at this moment in time, sorry but that’s the way it is, if they want to know why, to ask WH.
I’m off to file for D on monday. I’m terrified. Of moving, coping on my own..
I’m also making another session with IC. I think I need it.
He just doesn’t get it..doesn’t understand how it’s made me feel, pass coding his phone, not telling the truth, not apologising to me in person, showing no sadness, remorse, not showing me the original messages between him and AP.

So sorry, Sunnycott. If he isn't remorseful, there really isn't much to work with. I'm sorry that he couldn't step up to be the partner you need.

So I mentioned that I'm going to file for D this week, unless he's already done it..I hit a reaction..better than the usual radio silence surrounding all of this..sounds like you've made up your mind already..I didn't reply.
Do any of you just not fancy your WH or WW after infidelity? I just still don't want him near, or to bed him or anything..is it me?

Not just you; mine totally turns me off. At least 50% of the words out of his mouth are lies and I can just imagine what he says about us and our M. His posturing about town is absolutely laughable.