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New Beginnings :
Another D-day after death and drug use

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 Stayinghopefull2 (original poster new member #84460) posted at 2:03 PM on Monday, April 8th, 2024

Hi all, I wasn’t sure where this should go so I posted in New Beginnings because that is what I’m trying to do but I can never seem to. My WH was a serial cheater. We were together 27 years. Married 24 of those. He had an affair back in 2004 shortly after we had our first child. It was a long road but we reconciled and had another child and a really good life. Fast forward to 2021 and I found out he was cheating again. Actually my kids caught on to it by him turning his location off on his phone. This started a whole spiral of our marriage and him having multiple affairs. 16, now 17 other women to be exact. He told me he would change and wanted to be a husband and father. He asked me what he could do to keep this family together, but it was too late for that. I asked him for a divorce and we separated soon after that. We were only separated for one month and he passed away suddenly from heart arrhythmia. Our kids and I were by his side until the doctor pronounced him brain dead. It’s been about 2 years since his passing. Last night I found his laptop as the kids and I were looking for an old picture. I have never gone through his laptop but I started reading old text. He was really good about deleting things. But I found some things that really bothered me. He was texting at least 3 women that he was in a relationship with. Fine. That was not surprising. But still bothersome. What really bothered me is I saw a text chain to a woman who was only in her 20’s. She was one of the 17 women. He took a picture of lines of cocaine. This was taken weeks before his death and I could tell they had been doing it together. I’m just really sad. Not only did I find another woman he was texting. But discovered drug use that could have contributed to his death. He was otherwise a healthy person. But his alcohol consumption had definitely increased during all of this and now I discovered illegal drug use. He was a very successful man but obviously very troubled. I’m just sad that the friends (our friends) that he was around, especially this young girl knew he was doing cocaine and having affairs. This girl knew he was married and had kids. But yet continued to do this. Why are people so dishonest. My kids and I wondered if he was doing some kind of drugs. He lost a lot of weight and just looked very worn and tired. But now this confirms that he was. It’s just like D-day all over again. sad

[This message edited by Stayinghopefull2 at 2:12 PM, Monday, April 8th]

posts: 8   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2024
id 8832624
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 3:39 PM on Monday, April 8th, 2024

So difficult, finding photographic evidence after a death about its possible cause. I agree, this would be like another D-Day for you. I'm sorry he was such a completely messed up person, and I wish for you a better life now.

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8832643
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 8:24 PM on Monday, April 8th, 2024

There are some people that are so self-centered that they don't care about how their actions affect other people.

It would count as a new dday for you. It hurts and it sucks. You're right that the cocaine could be a contributing factor in his death.

It is so sad. I hope you are practicing self-care at this time.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8832688
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 7:43 PM on Friday, April 12th, 2024

I'm so sorry you had to find that. Yeah it's definitely a new pain and it 100% could be a contributing factor to his death.
Please focus on you. If anything allow this to help reinforce he was an extremely broken person and nothing you did or did not do caused his actions.
Hugs to you.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20206   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8833371
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 3:41 PM on Friday, May 31st, 2024

"I'm so sorry you had to find that. Yeah it's definitely a new pain and it 100% could be a contributing factor to his death.
Please focus on you. If anything allow this to help reinforce he was an extremely broken person and nothing you did or did not do caused his actions.
Hugs to you."

This ^^^

Sending positive thoughts your way. So sorry you are dealing with this.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8838345
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:37 PM on Tuesday, June 4th, 2024

Stayinghopefull2

This struck very close to my heart, having lost a very close relative and someone I care immensely for to a drug overdose about a year ago.
That person had two sides, two lives. For weeks, months and even years he was the ideal father to his kids, hardworking, productive and active in his community. Then there would be spells where he simply coped. Then spells where he sunk deeper into his addiction and usage. Followed by better spells, followed by deeper and more serious relapses.
I know for a fact he did everything he could – everything in HIS power – to deal with his addiction. He had unlimited love for his kids, yet that alone wasn’t enough. I personally think that no matter how he used HIS power, the relapses were inevitable. It requires so much more – the higher power that AA talks about. We can debate what that "higher power" is – God in his many versions or whatever. But I think that power exists, and that might be a combination of acknowledging your limitations and accepting the help of others that are themselves perfectly aligned to offer help. Maybe it’s God that lines all those components, maybe fate, maybe hard work...

But... Despite having seen this close relative at his worst. Despite having had to negotiate his debts with dealers. Despite having seen him passed out, laying in his own vomit and piss. Despite having seen him coked up and outcracked with the eyes of a crazy person... I can remember the good things. Eventually his heart gave out due to years of cocaine. I was blessed – and yes I say blessed - to have been the one to find him at his home. Better me the former cop than his ex-wife or his kids (the only people with keys to his house).

His kids are early teens. We have had a couple of heavy discussions and maybe you want to do something akin with your kids. Or maybe not.
We have focused on the positive. On the periods where he was their dad in every meaning of the word. Of how proud he was. Of pictures where his happiness is so obvious. We focus on that. That’s how we remember him.
We have focused on the disease of addiction. How that disease controlled so much of his life. We have discussed his attempts to get help and how that went. If you had cancer you get treatment – if you are an addict you might even have a hard time getting the disease recognized. It’s less than 40 years since this wasn’t seen as simply a moral weakness. We try to separate the sick dad and the dad. This of course requires the kids realize their parents aren’t the superhero’s they thought they were. But it allows then to love the dad, and have compassion for the sick dad version.

Third – and possibly the most important – I have talked to them about the hereditary nature of addiction. Of how being from an addict parent probably increases your risk of addiction threefold. How the best way to counter that (other than total abstinence) is to avoid ALL things like booze and grass for as long as possible. Basically – just say no until you reach at least 20 years. Then be totally aware if you have any addictive behaviors, like gaming or gambling. Chances are you will take the same behavior to your drinking or smoking.

Don’t know if this helps in any way. Maybe the condensed version is simply that your kids are allowed to love their father – warts and all – despite what he did and maybe even despite where his addictions led him.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12479   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8838574
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 Stayinghopefull2 (original poster new member #84460) posted at 10:49 PM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2024

Thank you all for your kind words and support.
Bigger - I’m sorry you lost a close relative to a similar circumstance. My kids are doing great and we gave open communication when it comes to their dad. We talk about the good time and the bad. And we joke a lot about the funny things he used to do too. I think they are handling this messed up situation really well. They are college age so I’m glad if this had to happen it was when they were a bit older. I told them about the drug use as they expected he was doing something because his behavior was so bizarre. Their reaction was somewhat off a relief knowing that maybe it wasn’t genetics. That drugs was a contributing factor of his early death. He does have heart problems in his side of the family but maybe the excessive drinking and cocaine use brought it on sooner? I just get really mad at him when I am alone. I still cry pretty much on a daily basis because I miss him and wish we would have had a chance to co-parent. I think back to his last weeks/months and he was calling me a lot asking for help with different things. I wish I would have known about the drugs. Maybe I could have helped him.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2024
id 8838661
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