SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please do not let the MC talk you out of the polygraph. Go through with it.

I too, feel that there is much more to this story that meets the eye. The polygrapher will allow you to ask somewhere between 2 and 4 questions. (They will tell you in advance and help you to formulate them.) I think my questions for her would be:

1. Since meeting 5bluedrops in 2011, have you ever had oral or vaginal sex with anyone else?

2. Did you ever have sex acts other than fingering and pinching with the golf course/country club acquaintances?

3. Were you involved in sex acts on the boat that day?

4. Have there been other sex acts with other people that haven't been mentioned in the timeline?

She is going to fight you like a wildcat to keep you from getting those answers. But having those answers (and her remorse and willingness to work to fix what she has broken is what can help to repair the relationship.

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope you get the relief you need.

Around the december 2014 timeframe, she began to hate going to work again.

She spent less time doing her makeup, less time at work, and was glued to me like she used to be when the relationship started.

She still worked there and so did J. In spring of 2015, he moved away(same state).

But her behaviour changes stuck. She no longer craved going out. We stopped drinking and having friends.

Theres only one incident I had doubts about, around 2017. I came home one tuesday when she was off, and the sheets were cleaned and made and the house had been vacuumed. But there was a beer bottle cap in the shower. No beers in the house, and I didnt recognize the cap.

I showed it to her and she wasnt scared like she gets if I bring any of this up. She seemed genuinely confused about where it came from and why it was there.

Thats the sole speck of doubt since 2014.

As the years went on, she worked her way up to food and beverage manager of the whole club. It was a 70 hours a week job, she wore a suit everyday, and she was constantly(like every hour) texting me her every move and step.
She refused to hire any males. It was a hard, super involved job that required huge amounts of time and energy, and I was pretty much working two full time jobs, 1. Plumbing, and 2. Supporting her constantly as she endeavored her best.

Ultimately, she was bullied out of this position by a hostile supervisor. I saw her lifes focus under a magnifying glass. I was so proud of and felt so bad for her.

She now works at a brunch place around the corner with an all female staff, less than a mile from the house. We see each other 100% of the time she isnt at work. Im confident these types of things are in the past.

But can I say 100%? No definitely not.

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 1:10 PM, Wednesday, March 20th]

[This message edited by Icedover84 at 1:50 PM, Wednesday, March 20th]

Polygraph. It's a must.

If she didn't have sex with at least one of those men, I'd be extremely shocked. Most likely, it was all of then. Sometimes together.

She's clearly very sneaky and manipulative. She is going to try to find out about this site. Change your passwords. Delete your history. This is your safe place. If she finds it,it will be a disaster.

No mc. This isn't a marriage problem. It's a her problem.

As long as she believes you won't leave, you will never get the truth. Ever.

I would be shocked at this point if there wasn’t more that she’s not telling you. Her whole reaction to the mention of a polygraph seals the deal. If you already had the whole truth, her reaction at worst would have been something like:

"You have the whole truth and I really don’t want to be subjected to a polygraph"

" I’m afraid it won’t be accurate"

"You still won’t believe me even if I pass"

And at best from a truly remorseful spouse:

"I’ll do whatever you need to believe me."

Instead you see what you got after mentioning it. Other stories here, pretty much every single one where the WS flew off the handle was because they were still hiding information. I only remember one where the WS was fine with the polygraph and it still turned out she was hiding massive amounts of deceit. I can’t remember who that was, but it really was a sad situation.

Now that you see the power balance shifting, do not go back. This will not get better with time if you do. You just can’t live the rest of your life the way it currently is, you’ll end up in an early grave, miserable the entire time.

You definitely need to push forward with the polygraph. It needs to be a dealbreaker event. Either she participates willingly and your marriage maybe has a shot, or she refuses and the marriage is over. Have a divorce packet (doesn't even need to be filled out - you can download and print the packet for your State online) ready so she can see you mean it.

I've read a lot of stories where people will give a more detailed confession in the parking lot before they even go inside in a last-ditch effort to avoid the test. Usually they're still hiding stuff, but it means they were planning to continue to deceive you, and you now know this was never going to work.

There's no downside to you scheduling this. Either you find out she's telling the truth, or you find out the marriage is done and don't waste any more of your youth.

Pleasextake this in the spirit it is fiven as your WW remonds me of my own EXWW, who is a really screwed up piece of work.

In bed, I stroked her shoulders and tried to calm her down.

No! No! No!!!!!

YOU are the victim and you are comforting he??? Stop now. Like really stop now! Read the 180. Your wife feels like she can walk all over you because you allow it. Stop allowing it.

That beer cap incident, that’s not a speck of doubt
That’s a red flag the size of China.

You didn’t have beer in the house, you hadn’t had that brand of beer in the house ever. Beer caps don’t fly in with the wind. They don’t accidentally get stuck between your toes and then get deposited on the shower floor. Someone was drinking beer in the shower and forgot about the cap while cleaning up. Come on. The simplest explanation is likely the truth.

That incident probably galvanized her to be much more careful in the future.

Its true, the bottle cap is a weird one. But she was popping them off beers all day. I cant tell you how many times broken glass and straws and bottle caps have flown out of the cuffs of her pants or were under the tongue of her shoes when she got home.

But yeah, in the shower?

Im with you but not prepared on that one yet. Keeping it tucked, theres red flags for days already.
For instance, the fact that she and her coworkers had every tuesday off always. I never did. And she expects me to believe that only the boating incident happened on a tuesday when I was at work, because, “getting my nails done and sunning myself.”

Trying to book the polygraph. So far noones getting back to me. And my anxiety is killing me.

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 5:08 PM, Wednesday, March 20th]

Depending on the size of your city, you may have to look at polygraph examiners in nearby cities as well. Some people have had to drive 200 miles to get to one. It’ll take time to get it setup. Interview them, make absolutely sure you book it with one that does these types of situations and has experience with it. That experience is worth A LOT. As an added benefit they’ve handled cases that were FAR worse than yours. An experienced in infidelity case polygrapher will know how to word the questions properly. They’ll ask you for details of what went on in order to craft those questions. They’ll want to know your ultimate goals. You may get call backs from ones that will do it, but have no real experience with situations like yours. Throw those away.

1. Have you engaged in sexual intercourse with anyone other than BH since the beginning of your relationship?
2. Have you fully disclosed all instances of physical sexual contact that occurred outside of the (name of country club/golf course)?
3. Is the disclosure document you provided to BH a fully complete and honest account of all instances of infidelity since the relationship began?
4. Have you fully disclosed the number of partners with whom physical sexual contact occurred since the relationship with BH began?

These are the questions I cooked up. Obviously, Id like any input from you guys and I will let the polygrapher take editorial and directional license.

5BD

Curious handle! Welcome to the club no one expects to or wishes to join.

Your story sounds familiar. Did you previously post it on Reddit or some other site?

I just want to add my support and warm wishes to you. As with others on this thread, I urge you to push her to complete the polygraph despite her anxiety attacks (real or feigned).

I’ll let others comment on the questions.

The point id like to make concerning your MC session… of course what you are concerned about with the truthfulness of her statement is important and should be discussed.

But more importantly Id want you to stress the other thing you are saying… how she protected each of them and didn’t protect you one bit from what she was doing.

Every step of the way she covered for what she was doing with them. And you, she helped them make a butt of their jokes. She showed absolutely no concern for you.

Tell her how that makes you feel. You should have been the one she cared about the most. Instead you were the one you cared about the least.

How does that make her feel now? She may have realized it finally in December back then, but she never worked through it with a therapist. Not in ten years.

So now is the time she should do that. Beyond MC she should find a therapist that specializes in infidelity. And work with them on how she was able to do this to you.

As for her knowing what you are writing here on this forum, she has no right to know right now. You are correct to tell her you are working hard to find a path that includes her in your life for the rest of your days and she needs to work just as hard if she wants the same. She should respect that.

But I would not be against you cutting and pasting some of the advice you are getting Into a text to show her that we are a supportive group that you need right now and she should want you to have.

She in no way deserves you to do that, but I wouldn’t be against it if it helps her know that you are honestly working through things here that could help save the relationship or at the very least give you the help you need at this very moment in time.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:05 PM, Wednesday, March 20th]

Yeah, I previously posted on reddit about a month or so ago. It was trimmed up, and didnt have another months worth of daily trickle truths in it yet. And I left out the whole thing about the codgers touching her for money, because a month ago I was gaslighting myself that she had been sexually assaulted by them still. Or, my WW gaslit me? It was still effective? Anyways, i see it for what it was now.

stevesn, your comments are in line with my thinking. I will try to bring that in. Its funny, every day feels like a week, and every hour has felt like a day lately. But the hour of counseling feels like 10 minutes. And I leave feeling like Ive been plumbing all day.

I have unfortunately too much to say in there and not enough time, then a week of hell between appointments.

And she has barely said a word in there. When he tries to force her into a conversation she just stares at him for a long while.

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 6:00 PM, Wednesday, March 20th]

Ok. Request she start IC to work through individually why she was able to protect them and didn’t give one care about protecting you. There was something broken inside of her and regardless of what she has done the last 10 years, she has not worked on that issue one bit.

As far as her not talking, I would tell her that it’s clear to you that her not talking shows you that she doesn’t care. That she doesn’t want to do the work to rebuild what her choices have seriously damaged.

If that is the case and she chooses still not to participate you will need to make a choice as to if you can stay in such a relationship.

If it were me I’d make it clear that you see her not talking and not doing the hard work as not caring about what happens to your family.

Sorry this is so hard to go through.

I think based on how things have been going that you already have an idea of how this is likely going to end. Are you taking steps to protect yourself and your assets just in case?

With the way you say she has been acting in MC, my opinion is IC, AT THIS TIME would be a waste of money. Polygraph first. You don’t even know what you are working against here yet. Based on what you are saying, I don’t see any remorse for what’s she’s admitted to so far. She’s only concerned about you leaving. Curiously, she’s behaving in a way that WOULD push you out the door.

If she needs an analogy to understand, it’s like she’s down in a 20ft hole, surrounded by 5 ladders going up to the surface but she instead grabs the shovel next to her and digs down to 30ft.

I think your polygraph questions are pretty close to what an examiner would want to ask.

You should read through a bunch of the wayward forum on this site. The differences will be glaring.

Havent been able to bring myself to yet.

I assume your going to suggest me a post nup while we endeavor to "make progress", and look for a lawyer.

It may also be beneficial to visit with a divorce attorney and see what that looks like. It may also be helpful to have the initial documents drawn up and maybe even presented to her. Depending on how serious you are.

One thing I haven’t stressed here to you is to keep moving forward. Whatever that direction is. Don’t stagnate like you have. It just keeps you in indecision and pain. Don’t get into an analysis paralysis. Have your plan. Keep moving.