SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Totally shocked my husband did this.

Been together 16 years married 9. Never any major issues just normal married family life.

He does suffer mental health started a few years due to stress in work. Basically he worked overseas only suppose to be few weeks ended up to be 4 months. We did have a few conflicted phone calls as I wanted him home but understood he needed to finish the job and he was under pressure.

When he did come home he was off and drinking, he also stopped taking his medication as he did run out. Then on our Christmas work due he got really drunk wouldn't come home. He wouldn't answer his phone so I went on his iPad to see if i could track him that way. Then so shocked what I saw - found pics that this women has sent to him then more photos of them together. Obvious what was going on - when he came home I confronted him. He was crying and saying sorry he will do anything to fix it. His reasons were that he lost his way out there and just detached himself from real life and wasn't thinking of anything he was doing. He cant remember much of it as he was drunk every time they met up. I chucked him out and he stayed with his parents. So all our family know.

He came home after two weeks to try and sort things. Things are up and down I'm so emotional. I want to try and reconcile but just don't know if I can ever forget. Just feel like our marriage is fake. Does this feeling ever go away?

We have three young children together and work within the family business. I'm just devastated for our children our family - so is he and keeps apologising for what hes done.

Thanks for reading.

So he was drunk every time? Every time he messaged her? Every time he spoke to her? Highly unlikely.

What work is he doing to become a safe partner?

At minimum he should be..

Completely honest about everything.

He should answer all of your questions without anger or defensiveness.

He should be completely transparent. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

Std tests.

He sends a NC message to her..one you approve of.

He gets therapy to figure out why he cheated.

He is proactive in healing the damage he has caused you, himself, and the marriage.

He understands reconciliation is a process that takes years.

And anything else you need to begin to feel safe.

Your job is to take care of yourself and the kids. Watch his actions. What is he doing to become a safe partner?

It takes 3 to 5 years to heal from infidelity. That can't start until you have the full truth.

Thank you for your reply.

No just every time he met her out there. He stayed in contact with her until I found out.
He has been honest about everything and he was devastated when I told him to leave and he was trying to do everything for me and the kids when he wasn't here.
Yes he lets me look at his phone whenever I want.
I made him have the std straight away and they came back clear.
He spoke to her from WhatsApp and he showed me that he blocked her. I didn't see what he said to her as he did it when he left.I was so evil when I found out that I didn't want to see him so he left straight away.
I just don't know what I need him to do - I feel so confused.
Any advice on what a safe partner should do?

He needs to be in therapy to figure out why he cheated.

He needs to stop drinking completely.

Is he answering your questions?

There is a thread on the wayward forum.."what every ws needs to know. " Send that to him, but be careful to mark out anything that will lead him to this site. This is your safe place. Don't bring him here, it typically doesn't turn out well. Many new bs make the mistake, thinking they will be the exception. They're not.

Please don't say you were evil when you found out. You were traumatized.

That he stayed in contact, after he came home and until you found out, says there was an emotional aspect to the affair. What does he say?

Have you called her husband and told him yet?

Sorry you're here Devasted. It's a horrible pain and trauma.

You will get tons of advice. It can be overwhelming.

But to answer your thread title question: I don't know that anyone "gets over it," but healing does happen. The pain eases. The anxiety lowers. The scar remains, always.

It's common for betrayed spouses (BS's) to scramble for / toward their marriage / family and try to restore "normal." This is done to soothe the pain and anxiety. Perfectly normal.

However, real healing is deeper work. For you, take a breath or 20. This will take time and lots of it. You will not have it healed nor figured out anytime soon. The typical heal time quoted around here is 3-5 years. That's you healing, not your marriage healing, you.

To help yourself:

Consider a therapist particularly one schooled in trauma recovery. It really can be invaluable in stabilizing your emotions and giving you the tools you need to navigate this nightmare.

Practice radical self care. That means eat, drink, get meds if you need them for sleep but also tend to yourself like you would a sick child. Need rest? Rest. Need comfort? Call on your support system. Find little or big ways every day to bring yourself a moment or two of peace or even fun. Get that massage. Read that book. Go to that movie. Whatever loving thing you can do for yourself. This is soooo hard when we are filled with pain and anxiety. But it truly does help over time. I swear.

Manage stress. This can mean learning meditation, exercising, breathing techniques, or anything else that lowers stress and anxiety for you. Your wayward husband should be on hand to relieve you of any duties or chores that you can't manage right now.

Rally your troops. Friend, sibling, pastor or whomever. In addition to a therapist, having a support system that loves and cares for you truly does help. You will need to be loved and cared for and while your husband may want to provide that, you will need it from sources that you trust.

Don't stifle your thoughts and feelings. If you have questions, ask them. If you need him to hear about your pain, tell him. You need this poison out of your body and he needs to deal.

Your wayward:

Honestly, you're going to get a bunch of advice on what makes a wayward worth reconciliation but for now, the focus needs to be on YOUR healing. You will need strength to weather this storm. What he can do to assist you:

As above, assist with the daily stressors of life and take things off your plate

Do everything in his power to make you feel safe including ending things with AP, block and delete her. ABSOLUTELY NO NEW CONTACT. This is critical.

Total transparency. He has lost your trust for very good reason. You can look at anything you want, question anything you want. It's not about policing him as much as is it verifying that you can breath a little and work on your healing.

Therapy for him as well. This is truly his call but he needs to work on his issues and until he does, he is not a safe partner. You can't force him to go but you can certainly say that his seeking professional help makes you feel better and if he chooses not to, you will struggle much more to regain your footing.

Hope this helps. Keep posting

Yes he has stopped drinking, and is looking to go back to see his therapist again.

He has answered all my questions and think he has been honest about them.

Thank you I will look at that thread.

Yes he did he was messaging her - I did ask if there was any feelings and he said no just that she was a nice girl and he got on with her. She was from a poor background and worked over there too, she was a massage therapist. He liked the attention that she showed him! Shes not married that we know of, she lives in a different country so he will never see her again.

Thank you TheEnd.

Lots of helpful advice xx

A nice girl doesn't have an affair with a married man.

Gently, he was lying to you, with no problem. You caught him, he didn't confess. His words mean nothing.

Investigate her. She may very well be married. It's not uncommon for a caught ws to lie,and say the ow isn't married. He wants to protect her.

It's normal to ask the same question over and over. Its the way the brain processes trauma. The first year is really hard. Some say the second year is harder. Please don't try to rugsweep. You can't heal if your rugsweep

Welcome to SI and so sorry for the reason you're joining us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that have a lot of information. There are some posts with bull's eye icons that are good, too. The Healing Library is another great resource and includes the list of acronyms we use.

Infidelity is the worst pain imaginable. The emotional roller coaster is real, too. You can be fine one minute and the angriest you've ever been the next. The up and down feelings are normal. Well, normal for this abnormal situation. It's your brain trying to work through the trauma and figure out if you're still in danger.

You do need to work on healing you, your WH (wayward husband) needs to work on healing him. Many times, the wayward doesn't dig in to do the work to change into being a safe partner. It's a tough road for R (reconciliation), but it can be done.

At this time, I recommend watching his actions because his words are pretty worthless right now. There's a book called How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald that he should read. It's fairly short and gives a good start to help him know what he needs to do to help you.

For me, I gave myself 6 month increments to see if my XWH (wayward ex-husband) would do the work (he didn't, and that's 18 months of my life that I'll never get back). You decide what you need for your healing. Concentrate on you and your children and do what's best for you. We have a saying around here, take what you need and leave the rest.

As others have noted, I'm very sorry that you've found yourself in this situation, Devastated, but this is one of the very best places for you to be as you sort through the life that you once thought was real but now find out was not. The feelings of crazy are normal and expected; this is trauma of the highest degree. You've received good advice so far, and others will be joining in to offer their insights and support. It's ultimately up to you to decide which advice works for you and your situation, so realize not everything you read will be right for you. But you should listen to your gut, and decide if your husband is worth the effort it will take to power through this. If you believe he is, he needs to be able to do his own work to find out what in him allowed him to lie to you and do what he's done. You have no control over what he chooses to do, but you can set standards for what you need to see from him as you put your effort on your own healing.

I was among the "lucky" ones in that my husband chose to work on himself after I caught him and set the ultimatum. But "lucky" is in quotes because the betrayal completely gutted me physically, psychologically, and emotionally. It really is trauma, with all that comes with that. If you haven't already, you should get STD tested to make sure you're safe. He may have been tested, but now you need to take care of you. You may also want to find a therapist who specializes in infidelity to work with. Someone who can help you make sense of all the feelings and thoughts you're likely having, and help you come out of this as strong as you possibly can be. This experience will change you, as it's changed all of us who have come here before you. But you control the change, and I sincerely wish you the best in finding out just how strong and awesome you are, Devastated. Keep posting, as working through this with others who have been where you are can be very helpful. Things will get better, but there is a lot of work for you to do before you may feel it. But it's out there, and you will survive this. The 3-5 years really does capture how long it often feels for us to feel our feet under us again, to find a sense of peace again and feel we have control again over our mind and body. Don't let his tears fool you; push him in the directions others have mentioned, and watch his actions. And believe what you see, not just what he says.

Thank you all for your posts they are really helpful.

I have send him the wayward needs to know and he is going to read it tonight. I suppose time will tell how committed he really is to work on himself.

I have joined the gym so that has been a good escape.

I will defiantly look out for his actions.

It certainly is an emotional rollercoaster - just feels like a bad dream still.
Its so hard to figure out what to do for the best. Both decisions I feel like are risks and will turn our world upside down. Will this always be on the back of my mind and will I feel like our marriage is a sham