SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Perhaps without realizing it or meaning to, you have opened a window for her to peer into your life and marriage. While I understand the desire, the most disturbing thing you can do to her is ignore her. My husband's affair was in 2001-2002. I caught him at her house. I knocked on her door, she saw me through the window and made my husband open her door. I never acknowledged her in any way. I simply told my husband he should come home and explain to our children why he doesn't live there any more, then turned and walked back to my car. After we reconciled, I ran into her at an event my husband and I were at that lasted for hours, I completely ignored her. All these years later, the best thing I did during that time and the thing I am most proud of, was ignoring her and never addressing her directly. I hope I made her feel insignificant and unimportant by doing so, because she was. I'm not gonna lie, it wasn't easy, but I'm so glad I did it.

So....

I never did *really* taunt either of the affair partners.

BUT

I absolutely CANNOT allow that to be a deciding factor in others evaluating my pettiness. I MUST be thoroughly implanted as one of the most petty mf'ers in the minds of others.

Why? So that the truth will prevail.

In accordance with that, I present to you whiskeyblues, several previously used forms of self-satisfaction*:

- custom printed toilet paper. Yes, you can take a photo of her and have it printed on the roll of tp.

- ordering free racist magazine subscriptions to be mailed to their house

- randomly using anonymous email addresses and phone numbers to contact them with 'I know what you did.'

- informing their parents

- did you know that some inflatable rental companies have giant inflatable genitals for specialized parties? The make for interesting lawn art, when you can convince the company.

- establishing mocking nicknames**

* examples are not recommended courses of action and I hold no legal liability in this regard

** I sometimes offer this as a free service to other members here

I have others, but on the small, small chance that the recipient(s) of my grandeur may have found themselves here somehow, I'll keep them to myself for now.

***********

As far as the others have spoken about rentfree space in your head, they're true in a way BUT... for me, when I was where you were timeline-wise after dday, there was no escaping it.

I'm bringing this up because, when the other responders brought it up they should have also included that it is a goal to shoot for.

It's a signal sign for where you are in your recovery. Eventually, those negative feelings you have for the AP will fade to less of an active hate to more of a "well, I won't go out of my way to harm them, but if they were jaywalking infront of my car, I'm not sure how good my brakes would be" to a "who was it again?"

So, yes, I agree you should work towards that goal, and be happy when you recognize those signs. If you can't make it there right away, don't let that bother ya.

[This message edited by Notthevictem at 8:20 PM, Wednesday, February 21st]

WhiskeyBlues, when was your WH's last trickle truth? Did you ever get a complete timeline and full disclosure of the affair? What has he been doing proactively to build back your trust and help you heal?

WhiskeyBlues….mine is….
I’ve just reached the point of not stopping someone else from peeing on her if she was on fire.

Throughout the A, my husband says she was constantly on my Facebook page. And she would bring up things with him, and get jealous. For example, he'd send her a song he liked and she would get angry saying "oh, that was yours and HER'S song wasn't it?! I saw it on her facebook". Quite creepy really - this is a person who I didn't even know existed.

Oh yes!! I made sure I have some public posts so she can see our updates: I am living with my husband in the city where their affair started during their business trips and I was happy to go to a pub where they used to go together and put that on my social media as profile image. It may be a childish thing but I am human, too and I really want her to suffer and be jealous. I also put public posts by the title "creating new memories" so I really hope she feels all the pain she has inflicted on me. Plus my husband has put a profile photo of us as a couple, and I know it is a clear message to her.

Yes she was creepy to look at all my pictures also of my children. When the affair came out she blocked me and my children on social media and my daughter was so angry she had been sticking her nose in her life. We have changed all the settings leaving public only what can hurt her and I guess she checks every now and then our profiles and what she sees I am sure are things that hurt her. Well deserved!!

[This message edited by Molly65 at 3:15 PM, Thursday, February 22nd]

Plus my husband has put a profile photo of us as a couple, and I know it is a clear message to her.

I doubt she sees it this way.

Your husbands ap is delusional. She likely thinks that you made him do it. I have talked to many women who have been the other woman. It’s clear to me the following:

1. Any attention whatsoever from the man she had an affair with or his wife says to her that she is still relevant. I don’t know if males do this I have never come across one who does.

2. These women believe the man can’t divorce you for extenuating circumstances: money, kids, claiming you have a health issue, or some other lie they tell themselves. So when you post things she can tell you mean for her to see it and she thinks it comes from the woman’s insecurities rather than any real feelings that your husband may have for you.

The most strongest clear message is to make her irrelevant. Both block her in everything and make your posts private so that she can’t create another count and see them. There is a Facebook setting that allows you to change the privacy setting to make all your posts turn to private at once.

I did not engage in these delusional behaviors after my affair, but my husbands ap did. This is what I had to learn to do.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:17 PM, Thursday, February 22nd]

custom printed toilet paper. Yes, you can take a photo of her and have it printed on the roll of tp.

- ordering free racist magazine subscriptions to be mailed to their house

HAhahahaha I am laughing so hard! Probably in her case as she is a racist herself, it would be a favour, but the idea of having her face printed on toilet paper is absolutely THE BEST!!Do you think I should send it to her or just use it as needed?

Eventually, those negative feelings you have for the AP will fade to less of an active hate to more of a "well, I won't go out of my way to harm them, but if they were jaywalking in front of my car, I'm not sure how good my brakes would be" to a "who was it again?"

OMG, my abs are aching 'cause I am laughing like a hyena!

[This message edited by Molly65 at 3:22 PM, Thursday, February 22nd]

So I asked him to get the same hat for me as a joke, so I could put a pic on Facebook, jokingly saying "I'm glad this isn't all I got". Yes, yes, I know its childish, but I need some fun in my life 😁

I don't want to be disrespectful but remember your husband was against you when he grew his complicity with her. I wouldn't get him involved in hurting her. He knows you are still mad at her and he could see that as a pleasure for him to see these two women in a war for him, it is stroking his ego and he really doesn't need that. He did it enough. Do the things you feel are helping you (someone suggested to print her face on toilet paper, the BEST idea ever!!) but don't show your anger towards her to your husband. He should think it is not affecting you anymore.

don't show your anger towards her to your husband. He should think it is not affecting you anymore.

I disagree with this for those who are in R. If the R is real, then authenticity and transparency are paramount. Hiding thoughts and feelings harms intimacy.

but don't show your anger towards her to your husband. He should think it is not affecting you anymore.

I agree he should not be involved in taunting the woman he used to feel better about himself. That’s not a show of good character.

However I disagree you have to hide how to feel to him. If you want to reconcile you both have to stay open to each other. He should know every way that it effected you and show he understand all of it.

I agree the Facebook interaction could strike the ego, but if showing your pain is stroking his ego that’s a different problem. That would show he is not truly remorseful. Again, the difference in opinion could be cultural in nature.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:51 PM, Thursday, February 22nd]

Edie - I absolutely recognise that the A has triggered feelings of inferiority. I have a history of anorexia, which I believe stems from CSA. I actually used to believe the abuse never affected me, I buried it to the darkest corners of my psyche and believed that the anorexia (common in CSA) was an odd coinkidinky. The moment I found out about the A, it all flashed in my mind; not good enough, not thin (enough).

I know objectively he affaired down (thank you for bumping the post for me 🙂). I'm a far better human being then she is, both inside and out, and my husband reinforces that every day for me. But it still stings and my doubts still resurface.

Ironically I used to feel inferior to my husband, that I didn't deserve him. Now, I am fully aware, that is not the case. I'm high up on that pedestal now - and I hope one day when he's earned his place, he can join me up here.

I'm not sure how I'd feel if I was "nothing to her". I think if that were the case, the entire context of the A would be different too, so its hard to imagine. What I do know is that she felt threatened, very jealous and crazily insecure. The the point of obsessiveness.

I don't feel I'm trying to regain self-esteem (don't get me wrong, obviously self esteem is an issue, as explained above - but its not the purpose). I feel it comes from a place of...I may need to come back to that point?🤔

Bigger - I hope I've interpreted your post correctly - but I don't think we're sat here both villifying her. I know exactly who the true villain in this story was, it was the person who vowed to love, honour and protect me until death do us part. She made no such promises to me. Technically, she owed me nothing. My anger is (mostly) reserved for my husband.

Yet she is culpable just as much for her actions. She chose to chase a married man with children (for the second time). She broke zero promises, she didn't know me, but thats just not something that decent people do in my opinion. So she's responsible for being a crap person in her own individual way.

Tanner - "I have always maintained that an AP willingly accepts 2nd place, scraps and leftovers. Us BS's expect and demand first place, this is why they have to lie and deceive, to try to place the BS in a place they won't accept." - this is so very accurate!!!

I keep feeling like I've portrayed things wrong 😬 WH doesn't care what she thinks. He cares what I think, about what she thinks. Because I care. If that makes sense?

Do you really think that becoming invisible would make her crazy though? I've thought about it and I'm not so sure. I know what would make me crazier...

Ladybugmaam - how did you know AP was stalking you through SM?? And if I've read this correctly, her new partner was also stalking you?? Why?? Just why??? 😱

SadieMae- I read your post on the general forum, and I can really relate 🥰. I can't escape the shame I feel by staying. At the moment, I hope that will fade with time. But at the moment, rubbing her nose in it, just feels more satisfying. God that sounds so petty and lame.

Bluerthanblue - that's ok, I was feeling sensitive at the time.

So no, no contact letter. Obviously when all this happened, we hadn't read any literature and didn't navigate the situation perfectly. But I think he did pretty well, considering he still had his head up his own ass and many of the typical wayward traits at play. We did some stuff right. I didn't play any pick me dance. I told him I hope he finds happiness with her and that I'm done. When he ended things with her, I didn't have to explain that he is to go complete NC. He just did it. He phoned her and said it was over, it was all lies, they're both shitty people and not to contact him ever again. I would disagree that this was gentle.

I'm interested in your comments that perhaps he's not taking the lead in R...? I'm not entirely sure....what would this look like do you think? Because he might be, i don't really know. My head is all over the place 😕

SS33 - "Based on the little that I heard/saw of what she said following DDay, she was under the impression that he stayed for the kids".

Yes!!! This is what I feel. I wonder whether I feel this way because of the feeling that not only did she intrude on my marriage, but also my life. I feel like I'm just reclaiming my place in my own life. Does this make sense?

Question - would you rather she be over him? Does it irk you that she clearly isn't?

I would rather AP be anchored to the past. I would rather her longing, and obsessing. Because in that lies pain. And then when I've recovered, I hope she's still anchored to the same spot.

I can't express how much this isn't about my husbands ego/pick me dances. Its about justice.

1994 - Thank you! I'm glad you saw the humour in it! 😆 thats what was intended!

After this thread though, I'm thinking you're right. I've made my point. I am gearing up in the near future to restrict my account. I just don't want her to believe I've done it in retaliation, so will give it some time. I certainly won't be making any more subtle digs - the birthday hat has been returned and refunded (yes, I'm that cheap 😁).

Revenger - "Whiskey, I'm right there with you. Most of these comments are from those further down the R road who have no emotion attached to your personal situation, and, therefore, it's easier to make objectively-correct decisions on your behalf."

Objectively correct decisions. Yeah, I agree, its easier to make those. I mean, I know what the right thing to do is...but I think I've needed to taunt a little (or whatever you wanna call it) - I've always struggled with the idea of just things slide. I always need to say my piece if there's been wrongdoing. I don't let things go easily.

After this thread, I do feel like I can probably start letting some things go, and as 1994 said, mic drop here 🤘

SS33 - "The AP ate her damn heart out when I showed up and work to take H to lunch and walked right by her holding his hand, whispering and laughing. And I won't lie: That was 100% my intent."

Goddammit. I so wish I'd have had the opportunity to do this!!!!

Bluerthanblue - "In retrospect, I cringe when I think about how I felt the need to show off and claim him, as if he was some prize."

I can completely understand that, because it sounds like he was not remorseful in the slightest and continued cheating. What a dick!!! 😡

HINHF - I've read your other post and I'm so so sorry, I can't begin to imagine what you and your kids are going through 😭 there are no words.

"I won’t lie and say I read everything that others have posted, I still stand very strongly that taunting AP feels like a version of pick me. It’s very much a look at great I am, and he stayed with me (or you know, he picked me) over AP. I don’t think that is helping or healthy."

Honestly, this just isn't about him. I certainly don't feel "picked" either (this suggests I was merely an option.). This really is about: reclaiming my life to an intruder, pettiness, justice, ha-ha whilst pointing (imagine Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons), and just regular old hatred. I want her to feel bad.

As above, I will restrict my account soon. I really will 😉 As for whether he's still hiding anything? Dude, I don't know. He's adamant no, he's not. But then can anyone ever really know?

Howcthappen- "I would not be trying to reconcile with someone who still wants to dedicate in ANY mindspace to the AP."

Nooooooo. I'm not sure if you've read the rest of the thread/comments, but honestly, WH is not dedicating any headspace to AP. If he could, he would labotomise himself, just to forget she ever existed. He hates what he's done.

I feel like I'm just reclaiming my place in my own life. Does this make sense?

Yes, it makes perfect sense to me. That's why I went to their workplace and took my H to lunch. I was marking my territory big time. I also made it a point to reclaim places they had been by going there with my H, and music from the band that they went to see. The only thing I didn't want to reclaim is Motel 6 (cheap motel chain in the US.) And Nickelback. She can keep them. lol By reclaiming things, I took them away from the affair and put them back in MY pocket. You don't get this, bitch. It's mine.

Question - would you rather she be over him? Does it irk you that she clearly isn't?

I would rather AP be anchored to the past. I would rather her longing, and obsessing. Because in that lies pain. And then when I've recovered, I hope she's still anchored to the same spot.

I can't express how much this isn't about my husbands ego/pick me dances. Its about justice.

There's a lot of satisfaction stemming from the evidence that seems to indicate that she isn't over him, even 20 years later. I want her to eat her heart out. I hope she feels angst and longing and permanently unsettled. I hope she's frustrated that she can't see anything on Facebook because she's blocked.

And I agree - it's about justice. Retribution. If she had ever been brave enough to apologize to me, maybe I'd feel differently.

Greenirisheyes - "Perhaps without realizing it or meaning to, you have opened a window for her to peer into your life and marriage. While I understand the desire, the most disturbing thing you can do to her is ignore her."

Do you really think this is the case? I try to put myself in her shoes (or hooves more accurately).

I think I've just pin pointed how I feel, actually...

So pain shopping is bad. Its not healthy, it perpetuates negative feelings and generally slows down emotional healing. What I want, is like I said to SS33 - I want her to feel anchored in her own pain.

By stalking my Facebook, she is pain shopping. Which is bad for her. Do I really want to takeaway something from her that is clearly perpetuating her negative feelings, and leaving her anchored in a place of pain? No doubt, if I restricted my account, sooner or later, she would grow tired of looking for any updates and her need to pain shop would lessen - which would benefit her.

My ideal is that she remains stuck, whilst I (eventually), heal and recover.

Does this make any sense to anyone? 😕

Notthevictim - hahaha 🤭🤭 the toilet paper is on the way!

"I'm bringing this up because, when the other responders brought it up they should have also included that it is a goal to shoot for"

^^ and this is absolutely my goal😁

Bluerthanblue - The last truth was September 2023. To be honest, I don't know whether I have the whole truth or not. After so many lies, can anyone really know? I mean, I know alot. I know enough. Whether I know everything, no one can ever really be sure.

I'm not sure about the proactive part, I'm wondering what would be considered proactive? I often find it hard to articulate exactly what I need too, as it changes like the wind ☹

Ladybugmaam - hahaha, I'd encourage a very slow trickle of pee 🤣

Molly65 - Oh, although I didn't post anything on SM, we have gone to a few places where he went with her. It felt like we were making new memories together, to heal the negative ones.

I know what you mean by creepy, especially when it comes to your children. During the A, my husband realised she had Google mapped when our kids school was, and I believe the found out what time school pick up time was - this was so she could figure out exactly where WH was during the afternoon and how long the school run should take.

Craziness.

"He should think it is not affecting you anymore." Eh? Why??

Hikingout- "I agree he should not be involved in taunting the woman he used to feel better about himself. That’s not a show of good character."

I think I've completely misrepresented my husbands intentions. Maybe taunting wasn't quite accurate. He wants to forget she ever existed. The mere mention of her name makes him go cold. BUT he's supporting me, and what I feel I need.

Otherwise no doubt I'd be writing a post titled "WH wants to hide our R from AP and won't support me", or some nonsense.

By stalking my Facebook, she is pain shopping. Which is bad for her. Do I really want to takeaway something from her that is clearly perpetuating her negative feelings, and leaving her anchored in a place of pain? No doubt, if I restricted my account, sooner or later, she would grow tired of looking for any updates and her need to pain shop would lessen - which would benefit her.

My ideal is that she remains stuck, whilst I (eventually), heal and recover.

Does this make any sense to anyone?

You know I get it, but what you and I both need to work on is letting go of any sort of investment in figuring out or caring about what AP is doing or thinking. We need to stop being performative for her.

My thought patterns are deep-seated because I've nurtured them like three little Targaryen dragons that grew into giant beasts, but you're still early enough in this that you can more easily redirect your attention elsewhere. Like I said before, don't be like me. Don't let those habits turn into deep ruts in your brain that are hard to get rid of. Work on it now while it's easier. And I promise that I will work on mine, too. We can help each other.

I think I've completely misrepresented my husbands intentions. Maybe taunting wasn't quite accurate. He wants to forget she ever existed. The mere mention of her name makes him go cold. BUT he's supporting me, and what I feel I need.

I am not trying to make a villain of him. What I meant is many ws are people pleasers. I would like to see him support you by encouraging you in other and better directions rather than just blindly doing what you feel you need. I would much rather him say things like "she doesn’t matter, let’s not help her think she does" or reassure you if his love in other ways. It’s just not a good thing even for him- because he needs to turn the page and focus on you. Someone of strong character will push back on things that might be less productive. It doesn’t make him bad, it just flies in the face of moving forward towards healing for both of you. I would like to see him step into that stewardship.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:25 PM, Thursday, February 22nd]

Don't let those habits turn into deep ruts in your brain that are hard to get rid of. Work on it now while it's easier. And I promise that I will work on mine, too. We can help each other.

I was thinking that it might be more helpful to hope she heals, that way she doesn’t continue her patterns that are driving you a least and also because it will mean she won’t do this to another woman or her current or future spouse.

That might be a bit strong yet for the original poster because I wrote this before and deleted it and didn’t post. Sometimes it’s helpful to know the goal post even if it takes time to move towards it. Know you are moving towards it to help yourself. Neither of you obviously are going to change what she does in any direction so this is just a way to put it away for you. I have been working on it, it was part of what made me come back and start posting. It’s helped.

I'd say that the biggest part of me wishes that the AP will heal, but there's a feral part of me that wouldn't mind seeing her flounder until her dying days, or at least until the day that she's brave enough to apologize to me, which will likely never happen. She's still around - I see her at company parties every couple of years, so it's possible. Not probable, but possible.

Also, I probably won't expend too much energy into getting to the point where I can wholeheartedly wish the AP well, per se; my aim is to work on not thinking about her at all.

It's interesting to try to reconcile the hard feelings that I have towards the AP with the admiration that I have for the WS/APs here who work so hard to heal themselves and help others. Thank you, hikingout.

Oh it all makes sense, honey. I oscillate too. I don’t put any active energy in it. Basically if she comes up I use key phrases like I hope she heals and immediately turn the channel.

I have had to do a lot of work ever since my affair on intrusive thoughts. Or getting too invested in narratives in my head. The power of Now by Eckhardt Tolle is my go to book on all that. I like his podcasts sometimes too.

So I have learned kind of key phrases to gain mindfulness over going down the rabbit hole and turn the channel. It’s just my process.

Whiskey blues. - totally understand your mindset. I did the same. Played with going back and forth on FB between public and friends only settings on certain posts and then blocking AP. Went even further - I went real world when I found out she was good friends with a local psychic and had bought my husband a gift certificate to this psychic. I made an appt and went to the psychic. By the time the reading was done she knew exactly WhoTF I was talking about. (I "innocently" fed her the details of where my husband worked and description of AP.) I knew she was on the phone with her friend as soon as I left. It was satisfactory at the time but the wind up is - there did come a time when I needed to delete her from my life. The mental space she was taking away from my children/family/true friends. Her husband even messaged me on FB - we talked occasionally for a year or so - his words "she’d freak if she knew". Lol. But the wiser advice here is - totally block her. Ghost her. That’s what she is. A ghost. Just don’t let her haunt you.
Easier for me to say 10 yrs out. But I really wish I didn’t waste all these yrs on a low life.

Basically if she comes up I use key phrases like I hope she heals and immediately turn the channel.

I'm southern. Maybe I'll try "Bless her heart." I really like the suggestion to use key phrases. That's gold.

The power of Now by Eckhardt Tolle is my go to book on all that. I like his podcasts sometimes too.

I have some Audible credits. Off to see what I can find. Thank you!