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I’m working through a program that has the BS write a letter to the WS. The letter is to talk about how the affair has affected the BS in terms of feelings about themselves, feelings about the wayward spouse, how it has affected the BS behaviors and attitudes in the relationship, and talking about how feelings/behavior and the relationship before/during/after the affair.

This is step one of many. The WS will also do this same letter, so he will get his turn. We will also be exchanging letters about how we have read the letters, and what we have learned about the other from them.

At this point, he’s really hurt. He has been crying. He can barely talk to me. He won’t look at me hardly.

I feel awful, but I was honest about the devastation to my emotions, and my sense of security in the relationship, how he feels about me, and whether he should just go on and leave the marriage for what he professed to her was a 50 year "love". I don’t know, he says now that was all bullshit, but his letters to her were full of romance and love that he has never expressed towards me. I’m heartsick over this. This emotional affair has broken me more than his PAs ever did.

Anyway, seeing him cry and his being so hurt by what I have said now makes me think I have broken the marriage. That I went too far and it’s too much. Maybe he is broken now too, and we just won’t fix this after nearly 49 years together.

What a total damn mess. He says he will write a letter back. At this point, I might just give up. I can’t take much more hurt than I already have inside.

Ah 5Decades. I am so sorry you are hurting right now. If your letter spoke the truth, then that was actually the kindest thing you can offer him - truth and authenticity. And if anyone broke anything, it was not your letter but his actions.

I am not familiar with this program, but have faith in the program. Being vulnerable and truthful can be scary and some of it might hurt. But that is okay. Avoidance of difficult things is part of how we get to this place, so for a new beginning with your WH you need to be direct and honest.

Sending you hugs and strength.

I could see writing a letter to my wife having the same effect. It wouldn't however, change the feeling I have been feeling since the betrayal. They do need to know fully how much damage they've caused. This is where it gets tough and real. Now is when it's time to grow up and own that shit. Learn from it, make corrections to one's life and way of thinking/living it. Now is when they need to show how much they truly love you by gaining the strength to work on themselves to try and help repair the damage. If the letter ends the marriage, then they weren't really in love with you is how I'd view it. Reality can suck sometimes but it is necessary to right the ship. I'm hoping your WS has to strength to learn from this exercise and begin the hard work on themselves.

I agree with coping. If your WH cannot manage the fact that you are being honest about the impact of his affair or affairs he is still way too focused on himself. I have shared verbally the deep pain and damage my wayward husband has done and how I’ve changed and how I view our relationship differently. Yes it has made him sad but he is sad for me. Sad that he caused this destruction. It sounds like your husband is sad for himself. He made the choice to be unfaithful. He needs to understand the fall out. I have not held any of my feelings back and have actually told my husband I am not in love with him. He still wants to keep trying even despite that. He hopes that with time I will. I am so sorry you are hurting. I hope that he can find some empathy and take the focus off of himself and back to you which is where it belongs.

You told him how his actions have affected you,and he's crying.

Good.

He's showing empathy and remorse. Had he not shown much emotion, you'd have a problem.

It's ok that it hurt him. It really is. These things are part of the reason he won't cheat again.

You didn't break the marriage by telling the truth.

He will absorb what you've said,and move forward, with a better understanding of just how insidious and abusive infidelity is.

Don't apologize. You can tell him you are sorry he is sad,but dint apologize for telling him the truth.

You're awhile past dday. Transparency about feelings goes both ways.

Well, he was up all night.

There’s a bottle of Tums on the counter. He took Tylenol, too. The letter is on his desk. I have no idea what he did all night, but I know it wasn’t sleep.

At one point I told him I was sorry I blew everything up, and he said no….and asked if he could just hold me for a minute. And he just cried while he held me.

I don’t think he’s feeling sorry for himself.

I think he knows I am at the breaking point, and that in my heart I believe he truly hasn’t loved me, but has pined for her all these years. That our very long marriage has been one where I have been Plan B all along, and this realization is what is killing me now.

He has verbally told me this isn’t true. However, his emails to her were very long, romantic, and expressive. I told him he had 48 years, now almost 49, to say things like that to me. Never one time has he ever done that. And that truthfully the things he said were beautiful, and it has stripped me to my very soul that he doesn’t feel that way about me.

Honestly, that I am jealous. I want someone to love me like THAT. And I told him I understand that he isn’t able to love me like that, and never has…

I told him that the person I was before the affair no longer exists. That *I* no longer exists.

And then I told him that we should probably discuss long term arrangements so that he could have her meet his romantic needs, because what I am seeing is that I am doing a lot of hard work to fix things, and I do not see that from him. I am reading books I find - he reads things if I insist, but has only read one, very slowly, and did share what he learned but then just stopped. I have done counseling, but he half heartedly agreed and then just doesn’t really do anything or want to.

I told him that really tells me what I need to know, doesn’t it?

And I finished with:

Really, your having an affair was the statement about our marriage that you wanted to make, wasn’t it? That’s just about everything I need to know.

I think he is now aware I will walk away. I offered an arrangement where we would stay legally married for financial and family reasons (we have a situation), but he could go be with her and be happy. I said we can discuss this further. I think he’s in shock.

His affair partner is a narcissistic type, and has quite a few conspiracy theories happening in her life regarding how men in black suits are stalking her, messing with her social media, and poisoning her food and water. So this should be interesting if he decides to leave for her. Deep down, do I think he loves her? I believe he loved her when he was in the band together, yes, and that over the years he carried a torch for her. He has a white knight character about him, and he knows she has problems now, so that is probably contributing to this. And limerence, the perfection of a long distance emotional affair, sexting, etc. Love? In his head during the affair, I think so. He says not now. Does it matter anyway, because the things he said to her still kill me, because he felt them for her and never for me.

I am so sorry you are going through this. So emotionally devastating. It does sound like he is sad for the devastation he caused you. I am not sure that I could get over proclamations of love to another person either. My WH affairs were completely physical and there was no romantic attachment. I know many on this site have had that experience though and have been able to rekindle love with their spouse. It does sound like he was in limerance and reliving his feelings for her so long ago. Not sure if that is truly love or not. He can really only know but I suspect it was more limerance and white knight. It’s hard to understand how people are so short sighted and selfish. Especially when they are forty plus. It’s like come on let’s do some self development to become a decent person. And I say this because my WH is finally working on himself but I get frustrated that he didn’t before hurting me profoundly. I think you are very level headed and you are avoiding the pick me dance and setting boundaries. Good for you. I hope for peace for you however things proceed.

I think writing the letter and describing your pain in detail is something all of us should do.

I did.

It helped my R quite a bit.

I think it will help you in the long run too, regardless if you stay or go.

Venting the pain, letting him know EXACTLY how you feel is a huge step in getting to where you need to be, with or without him. Because you’ve also told him what you want and what you need and if he can’t be the one to provide those things, then you’ll know what to do next.

Healing absolutely takes a while, but again, I think you’re showing amazing strength simply standing up for YOU.

He slept for a long time this morning.

He’s up now, and has been writing what I presume to be a response. He’s been at it for about three hours now.

This could go badly. Or not. I have no idea at this point. I peeked, and he seems to be editing now.

I’m kind of at the point where I am mentally preparing a speech to my daughters, to explain why we are separating. They are 47 and 40. They have always thought we had a great relationship.

Fuck my life.

Why are you allowing yourself to take responsibility for his hurt? He wouldn't be upset by the letter if he hadn't had an affair because there wouldn't be one. He needs to face reality. He needs to understand what he has done and he needs to take responsibility for his own feelings. If he doesn't there is no reconciliation and his actions of having an affair are what broke the marriage. Your feelings are valid and should be heard

At this point, he’s really hurt. He has been crying. He can barely talk to me. He won’t look at me hardly.

Consider suggesting to him that maybe he harden the f*** up and stop using his crying as a manipulative tactic, consciously or subconsciously. That he stand there in the storm he created and be an anchor for you.

Sorry, I read your story, he is a serial cheater. That means he is a great manipulator. He made you feel bad for being a mirror to his soul, after all.

Sending strength!

It sounds like you wrote a great letter. What would be wrong with telling your truth? I hope he will reassure you that all the sweet nothings he wrote to OW were just that - nothings - merely words to keep her sweet and payment for services rendered, or yet to come. I discovered my WH had written adolescent Lothario nonsense too, vapid to the point of me questioning ‘who is this slimy man, not the man I know’. But they were all smoke and mirrors, fantasy romance tokens to put into the slot machine, welcome walter mittyesque distractions from a boring day at work. Little dopamine popsicles on a grey day.

You really have to harden yourself to his crying.

[This message edited by Edie at 11:17 PM, Tuesday, January 30th]

Thanks, everyone.

He’s still in there writing.

His letter must be a book by now.

I do need to harden myself about his crying. The only time he ever cried before was when his brother died, so it’s a rare thing around here.

He is a serial cheater, yes. This recovery is different somehow, though. He has expressed his actual remorse, and has spoken about changes in the way he is thinking - this never happened in the past. He strikes me as different, too. I can’t put my finger on it, but the things he is saying are not the same as before. In the past he talked about the things I didn’t do right, such as not enough sex, I was l "controlling" (this because he was drinking a lot and openly flirting with the then-AP and I raised objections), etc.

Not so this time around. He says this is entirely on him, his choices, his behavior, and things he has done. He does not accept it if I try to say anything that puts blame on me. This is new. Also, he’s much more willing to talk about everything, and has spoken about the past affairs this time around - answered questions he refused to talk about before. So that change has happened.

I’m just a wreck, though. The trauma here is huge for me. It’s happening on top of the impending death of my father, who was physically and psychologically abusive to me as I grew up. I describe my dad as a "terrorist", as he was just that abusive. My feelings on his passing are very complex.

Now add in this affair.

It’s overwhelming.

Waiting on this letter is physically demanding.

5Decades,

I feel like we are kindred spirits of sorts. I’m at 29 year married to a serial cheater but this last EA shut something off in me. I think my BH saw it. He is completely different this time around, been in IC for almost a year(never before).

My kids (26&24) years think our M is great too.😪

Anyway, hoping for an insightful and meaningful letter for you from your WH.

Thinking of you ❤️

He is a serial cheater,

Why oh why do you have guilt for telling him how his affairs hurt you, devastated you, ruined you etc.?

You are apologizing for something HE SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING FOR!

I think your dynamic is that you confront, he "tries" to do some work but it’s minimal, you accept and he resumes his cheating lifestyle.

For once you are finally holding him accountable.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

1st Wife,

You are so right. I have repeatedly apologized. I have.

I know exactly why.

It is the same reason I apologized to my first boyfriend when he "had to beat me". Yes, I did that.

My father was extremely abusive. It was such that I spent a lot of my time hiding from him - because if he didn’t see me, I was safe. I was beaten for sitting down too hard, then for sitting down too soft, then for sitting down "sarcastically", if this gives you any idea of some of the things that happened. The psychological effect on my younger brother resulted in his being hospitalized for dissociative disorder twice (he took on my pain and believed some things that happened to me happened to him instead) and he has been on disability ever since.

I have recovered from the trauma, mostly. The trauma from my father’s abuse, as well as childhood sexual abuse from a different family member - left their marks I know. The anger control issues I had as a younger me is gone, the lack of confidence is generally better, and my belief in my own intellect and competence is present.

I do have some lingering reactions that do not always serve me well. One is apologizing when I should be more assertive and standing up when someone has done purposeful harm. I also don’t like surprises, or when things aren’t planned. I don’t like thinking someone is upset at me, fearing that their next move will be catastrophic - like if my boss is mad I think I will be fired. I make my supervisors aware that I have a trauma background, and please never send me a message like "we need to talk" and not include what about because I will go crazy with fear. They have all been great about it.

Over the years, I have disclosed some things to my WH about events in my childhood. This time around, I sat him down and told him details about the sexual trauma, the extent, and how it all has affected me. I also told him details about the physical abuse, why it affected my brother, and how living moment to moment like that has affected me and our relationship. And why I put up with the boyfriend beating me - because that was "normal" in my world at the time.

He knew much of this before. Not details like this, though. He has asked questions this time around, gently. He is angry with my family, and that he ever even let himself keep anyone in my family near me again.

And angry with himself as a contributor to more of this.

So he is different. Disgusted with himself. There is a change.

I do know that one thing contributing to this affair is his cancer diagnosis. Having prostate cancer results in ED, and he has had a fear of losing ability to have sex. Because I had a condition around the start of his recent affair where I couldn’t have vaginal sex due to pain, we weren’t active for a bit. So he turned to porn. He was becoming emotionally involved with his EA partner right at the start of this issue, so this likely had some role in tipping the scales in his head. Sort of the idea of he was going to lose his abilities, yet another "justification" he made for it all. He admits this, too, and says it was yet another lie he told himself. He says he told himself many lies. This admission is also new - he never spoke of this kind of thing previously. So I see this as progress.

But this time, I haven’t apologized for the affair. Nope. I told him that I am sorry he is sad, but he has to hear what I have to say. He has to understand MY PAIN and that matters.

And that I cannot save this relationship on my own. Unless he starts bailing, this ship is going to sink.

He has been working on the letter all day today again. He’s napping now. He was up before dawn typing. Told me he will have it done today.

Last night I told him I was worried about this. He told me not to be, it’s going to be okay, and held me.

I have no idea where this is going.

I will update when I know. But he is being nice to me.

Your abuser is manipulating you.

This is not your fault in any way shape or form.
His tears are for himself. Not matter what he writes remember those are words he took DAYS to get to where he wanted them. Reap remorse is simple and straightforward. Real remorse is obvious in actions not words.

Be very cautious of flowery words. Be ready to meet his respo self with a flat affect. Do not allow his words to sweep you into a false R.
He has repeatedly and intentionally hurt you.
Don't listen to the words. Watch the actions. That's when you will know if he is truly remorseful.
His tears are manipulations.
Guard your heart.

Tushnurse,

I have used the time he is taking to do exactly what you’re saying. My plan is to offer no response for the same length of time he is taking to write his letter.

He hasn’t finished today as promised. So, it looks like a three-day deal.

So he won’t get feedback for three days, that’s if he gives me the letter tomorrow.

So it looks like we might be talking about his letter and mine on Sunday at the earliest.

He will be thrown off by my failure to react. That’s fine. I’m done with being reactive. I need time to get my head together.

I predict he will mope around, and give me a look he has perfected. I’m ready for that, too. I will just tell him I will talk when I’m ready, and I’m just not ready.

I’m practicing this.

I will talk when I’m ready, and I’m just not ready. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I will take the time to read and re-read his letter, like he did with mine.

I have gotten better at knowing his manipulations, and they aren’t working like they used to. He used to blame me and I accepted that. This time around, nope. He had the affair. If he wants her, then he can go, and I told him that. Leave, I will be fine, and I don’t give one shit about what anyone else thinks.

Do whatever you want, just stop lying.

[This message edited by 5Decades at 12:38 AM, Thursday, February 1st]

His letter wasn’t anything like what I was expecting.

He wrote of things from 48 years ago, at the start of our marriage. My ONS and how it affected him. His many affairs, and his thought processes, his fears over the years.

He talked about his jealousy of a very elderly male friend I had years ago - this man was a mentor, who had cancer and died. The two of us were never alone, always his wife was present when we would talk. I never knew my husband felt any threat about this man. I grew up with a very abusive father, and this man was like the father I never had. I still grieve his death, he helped me so much in growing through the trauma I had. His wife was my coworker, a teacher, and she was and is one of my dearest friends. I am forever in her debt. I did talk to him about this, and he says he knows this now, and also did at the time, but had jealousy because of the friendship. He says he felt like he was small and petty, yes, but wanted me to know about this because he wanted to be transparent about his feelings over the years. He now feels very grateful, too, about this man and woman, because he knows they and their family truly are blessings to all of us.

The letter was surprisingly honest. He acknowledged my pain, openly. He said it was hard to read, and left him speechless - he didn’t sleep all night because he kept reading it over and over, because he knew he had to completely understand this and absorb it because he caused it. He told me I was right about nearly everything I wrote. He told me that I was wrong about some things - and those things were where I took any responsibility for the affairs. He said each and every decision was his, they were wrong, and he had made stupid and selfish choices every time. And that this was so hard to absorb because it was his actions causing me this pain - and he wants to do whatever he can to make this marriage repaired, and help heal me.

He made no excuses.

He told me that it makes him sick to think he added to the trauma that my dad caused, and that he does not want to be that kind of man. This has hit him hard, and the reason it took him so long to write the letter is because he had to face this part of himself, the abusive man, as he never before thought of it in this way. He sees it, and hopes I can forgive him - and acknowledges he doesn’t deserve it.

He didn’t ask for anything, except that maybe by this time next year I can find my way to begin believing what he says, that he loves me.

We talked briefly.

I think my letter moved the needle. It turned out to be a good idea. I think I’m going to keep on with the process.