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Has anyone done a post cheating post-nup? How did it work? We both earn six figures, he more than I. As dumb as it may sound, I’m considering a "pocket book pain" if he decides to step out again. Advice?

Did one here. Not so much as a "pocket book pain", but rather to remove the fear of starting over with nothing from my mind. I didn’t want any of that to cloud my judgement. I wanted a clear plan if things didn’t work out. We are business partners, as well as married.
Also wanted a plan for our child and his education.

In those early days, foggy fwh was astonished that I wanted was is effectively a divorce decree, while I also said that I loved him. Shocker, he said he loved me too. It was pretty straightforward. It gave me some peace of mind. And hit home to him that me staying wasn’t a forgone conclusion. He would have to do the work.

I’m grateful now that we’ve both done the work. And yes, it favors me if he ever does this stupidness again

As with all legal advice on SI then you need to do your own research for what applies to your state, country, and situation. All I can do is offer some extremely general guidelines:
It’s generally accepted here on SI that postnups are seldom worth much more than the paper they are written on unless they are extremely carefully worded and processed. This is definitely not a do-it-yourself concept.
Rule-of-thumb is that they can’t be too lopsided. Like you get everything and he nothing. They can’t be one-sided, so that if you divorce because of his actions they apply, but not if you were to do the same.
A one-sided or seemingly unfair postnup would be contested by the spouse as unfair and possibly signed under duress. His attorneys would have it dismissed in a jiffy.

What they can do is maybe determine that you keep your pension untouched, or that you get to chose if you want to reside in the family home and maybe even have a fixed value on that home. They can state that he leaves the home within x days of being served. It can predetermine division and value of some assets, or exclude some assets from the marital pot.
To simplify: It might lead to a 60/40 division of assets, or avoid the discussion of who get’s the family-farm that has been in your family for three generations and maybe fix the value of said farm to a reasonable and believable but still only 50% of possible market value.

This all needs to be clearly outlined, witnessed and signed with legal representatives that ensure both you and husband are of sound mind and clear of what you are signing.

I believe you will spend more in legal fees trying to enforce it, than to just negotiate a settlement.

I have a post affair post nup after his second affair wherein he was kicking me to the curb. Typical mid life crisis affair 🤪.

My post nup is very clearly worded "should we D for any reason". It has nothing to do with cheating b/c 10 years from now you may decide you want to D because of other reasons (not cheating) and the wording in your post nup may not apply in that case if worded "should we D b/c of cheating.

Mine is legal. Prepared by an attorney. My H can try to contest it but it’s an expensive legal battle since it’s been in existence 10 years lol.

In your case I would have it drawn up by an attorney. Be sure there is a clause in it that says "not being signed under duress etc".

Protect yourself at all costs. Larger issue may be if he refuses to sign. I made R dependent upon a post nup.

I hope this helps you.

A postnup that is clearly lopsided or "punitive" in nature is not likely to hold up in court, but more importantly, it wouldn't serve as a deterrent, as you seem to hope it will. Everyone who engages in an affair does so knowing that, if discovered, divorce is possibility... along with all the pain and the financial consequences that go with it. If that knowledge--along with the vows you made and marriage contract you signed-- were not enough to keep your husband faithful, then why would a postnup stop him? A piece of paper is not a substitute for a conscience.

To be clear, I still think postnups are useful, but only if the goal is protection for you. By choosing to attempt reconciliation, you are taking a huge risk, and the postnup exists to mitigate the financial losses you will suffer if you choose to divorce. As Bigger said, an effective postnup could be used to protect your pension or a valuable personal asset, or perhaps grant you exclusive use of the home during divorce proceedings, etc.

But again, the point of the postnup shouldn't be to punish your WH for cheating or to scare him into fidelity; it's to make starting over again (if you need to) as painless and straightforward as possible.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:38 PM, Tuesday, January 16th]

the "not under duress" section part is critical for it to hold up in court, in my case mine only is on my favor that my retirement $$ stays fully with me, the rest is 50/50. it was 10y ago, hopefully wont ever need to use it as we have been doing very good and are a totally different people and marriage than before A

As others said, dépends on the laws in your state, so work with a good lawyer. In my aunt’s case (decades ago now) she got a much better settlement when her WH cheated again. In my case, my WXH was begging me for another chance. I told him I’d do it if he signed a post-nup protecting me* which came into play if he cheated again. He told me that was punitive and I should just trust him not to cheat. Which is kind of what I did when I married him, so I noped out of that one when I realized that I would have signed anything that came into play only if I cheated as I knew I would never cheat. Not sure if that’s even enforceable as ours didn’t get to the point where I spoke with a lawyer about it.

(*I had just started a new job, and would have to quit it to stay with him since he’d finished his fellowship and couldn’t get a job in our city since he was sleeping with his coworker instead of seeing patients and word had got around. My new job paid very well, so I said he’d have to make me whole (if we got divorced due to his cheating) by making up the difference of what my salary would have been and the job I found after we divorced. Say my current job was $100,000 and I could only find a job paying $75,000 he’d have to pay me $25,000 — I did include a 3% COL per year in there as well, but irrelevant to this comment). So not punitive as he was now a doctor (could easily have afforded it, especially considering I’m the one who paid for his med school and all living expenses for 11 years!) and it would only come into play if he cheated.)

Anyway, I think that *sometimes* just seeing their reaction to the suggestion can give you an idea of whether they even plan to attempt to be faithful in the future.

Hubs offered one and hell yes, I would have done it, but two different lawyers told me in my state they won't hold up in court. All hubs would have to say is he signed it under duress and it's out, so I didn't even bother. But, if it's legal I'd do it. At least it removes a little bit of stress off the table if they screw up again.

greenirisheyes was told something we hear a lot about "signing under duress." So my lawyer added language in our post nup that said my WH "...is not signing this agreement under duress and has freely made this agreement, after being advised to seek his own counsel and having declined to do so." I presumed that was put in there to make it harder for him later on, if he tried to challenge the post nup in court.

I took one giant step further with our post nup and besides closing all joint credit cards, I asked that deeds for 2 properties be transferred from jointly-held to one property owned by each of us (this involved hiring a lawyer who did real estate). I was told by my lawyer that almost nobody ever took it that far and didn't divorce. But after that step, I can tell you, the marital dynamics are really changed.

Somebody once said marriage after a post nup is like standing on a banana peel, always one step away from a fall. Well, DUH, infidelity did that already! As you protect yourself, you also begin the separating process under the law. My post nup was originally drafted as a property settlement agreement for a divorce, but the lawyer only had to delete 3 clauses to change it into a post nup! We have no children.

I have drafted a post up off the internet and printed it out. My WH and I have gone over it and plan to take it to the bank to be notarized.
For me it is less about whether it would hold up in court and more about having documentation of what we both thought was fair when we were together.
When I found out about the A I felt financially trapped. I told him I needed a post nup because the freedom to leave is the freedom to stay. He understands that.
He agrees that the division of assets in the postnup are fair.
More importantly we are changing the way we handle our money going forward. It’s not only giving me the security to make decisions based on the relationship (as opposed to being based on financial consequences) it’s also giving him the security of knowing where he stands and how he will survive if the marriage does not.

Good point about getting a post nup notarized. I had drawn up one right after D-Day 1 because I too was financially strapped and wanted some assurances, but never got it notarized. Later on a lawyer told me it would have likely not held much weight, since it would be hard for a Court to determine if or when we had signed it. I hadn't thought of that.