SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I kept to my staying offline break most of the last six months. I am a sucker for Hot Stove baseball rumors as the weather gets colder, and it is always nice to stop by a forum that helped me a great deal.

I have to say being off the grid is good for the soul, across the board and I think it helped me focus on what's going well and what needs work -- both in my life and rebuilding the M.

For the newer members here, I wish I had some great suggestions for shortcuts or ways to heal up fast, but it takes a while. The 2-5 years SI members told me to expect made me fall out of my chair. I didn't think I could be patient enough to heal up properly. While I was hopeful, I really had no idea how miserable those first 24 months were going to be. Year three, I think the effort of both me and my wife started to offer some light, and a chance to make something substantially stronger than what we had before.

I'll stick with the advice I got and still offer when asked -- the only reason to ever attempt R is because BOTH people want something better.

I understand people stay for the kids, or money or other reasons, I just think for R to be a an actual rebuild/reconciliation is when you really, really want it and your spouse does too.

If you hang out in the forums long enough, you'll get the voices you need, regardless of the path you take. As I tend to say every update, I'll never care whether people D or R -- as long as everyone finds a way to the other side of the trauma.

Ultimately, my return online will be fairly brief.

My wife and I will be taking the next two years traveling and just being together -- empty nest, no jobs, just the open sky and a carefully planned budget. I did say open sky, but not sky's the limit! After that, we'll figure it out from there, whether we want to stay rested, go back to work or travel some more. Lots of baseball too. I like a lot of sports, but hardball is a favoriting, so spring training will be one of the early parts of the road trip.

Basically, this is how well the rebuild is going, we want to hang out with each other more often.

This doesn't mean I am pain free, trauma changes us all and can haunt me when I least expect it. I'm just able to focus on the good we're doing today a little faster than I used to.

I'll always hate the A, but I am impressed with how strong both of us needed to be to get to this point.

Two things I learned in life remain true, with or without infidelity -- there is no way to be a healthy partner if you don't love yourself first. Once you are healthy enough to love another, give instead of take.

Best to you and yours, I hope everyone here heals up during the holiday season (which is often easier said, then done).

I wonder if anyone out there have had been reinjured and reinjured and have stayed because of the kids. Here are my DDates: Oct 2020, Feb 2021, June 2021, Feb 2022, Sept 2022, April 2023. All were online girlfriends, following porn links, online dating sites, more online chats. Each time were I’m Sorry, give me another chance. Our MC noted sex addiction. Once he finally acknowledged it, it has been squelched. But what does it leave me? Memories. Our marriage was strong before he found women chatting while playing games and the chats went deeper. He has been clean and being a safe partner now. I can’t help but bring up his misdeeds when I trigger and I do see the pain in his face when I do. Does anyone have advice when the DDates are so spread out like mine?

Hey Dandylion —

Since the last of ddays was only 7-8 months ago, there really hasn’t been enough time yet for you to even know if your WS can be a consistently safe partner for you. Or enough time to heal yet.

You’re very early in the process, I didn’t know what I really wanted until 2-years after discovery.

You should tell him how you’re feeling and when you’re triggered. If he truly feels bad about it, he will show some empathy for your pain.

My advice is take care of YOU and if you want to give him a chance to get better and be better, it’s your call.

If you get another dday, I think you have your answer.

Thank you, old wounds. There’s a lot in your post that resonates with me, and a lot of wisdom I appreciated.

Dandelion, I’m sorry things are still tough. Hugs and hope that you get to a better place.

I’m glad things continue to work out for you. Yours is a very inspiring journey. Congratulations!

My wife and I will be taking the next two years traveling and just being together -- empty nest, no jobs, just the open sky and a carefully planned budget.

First of all, it’s always good to see you pop in!

HT and I just recently went back to work after a 6 month sabbatical. We traveled through 9 states and numerous state and national parks, just the two of us. Honestly, I have to rate that time in my top 5 (can’t discount the kids, lol). We truly had a blast and are now trying to figure out the best way to balance travel and work so I have become a traveling medical professional! We will still travel but at a slower pace.

I am enjoying my empty nest and doing things that my mortgage and job wouldn’t let me do before.

Enjoy every moment! Document it well with pictures because it can become a blur. Let time slow down and soak it in.

I am so happy for you and the Mrs.

Hey Grieving - thanks for the kind words, I hope your healing is going well.

And hey Waited! - I hope you are well!

As for WalkingOnEggShelz - Wow, that is an awesome update! You guys have already been on the road, very, very cool. Tell HT I miss his wit and wisdom on the message boards here. I’m so glad you two are doing well! I will hopefully have some fun updates along the way, our travels begin in earnest in March.

That’s a great update and every time you post I resonate with every word I read.

I’d say my own healing process involved a lot of loving myself and understanding who I was as an individual outside of my marriage, my relationship with WH and his role in my life.

Enjoy your time together travelling over the next two years and let us know how it goes from time to time.

Hello Luna10!

Thanks a bunch for the kind words, and I think I will try and add some updates as we travel around. Positive updates from others here always helped me on tougher days.

I’d say my own healing process involved a lot of loving myself and understanding who I was as an individual outside of my marriage, my relationship with WH and his role in my life.

This succinct sentence is a HUGE deal, at least it was for me.

Infidelity not only resets the relationship in so many ways, it really is an opportunity for US to reset and really find what we want from life, and from the people in our lives -- M or not.

Keep healing Luna!

Hey Old Wounds,
It's always good to see your updates.
You always give me hope.
Enjoy the holidays and traveling.

Always good to see an old friend show up in the forum, brother.

For those who may be fairly new to the Infidelity game, read these words over and over and over...

I just think for R to be a an actual rebuild/reconciliation is when you really, really want it and your spouse does too.

It doesn't matter how much you try on your own, it's like pushing a rope. My wife didn't get her head out of her anal orifice until about 4 1/2 years post-A. It wasn't until then that real work could be done.

In fact, it a few months into round 2 of MC before she stopped lying to the counselor (the counselor asked each time if we were each committed to the relationship...she always said "yes" but apparently didn't mean it). Once she came.clean about that, the MC started in on her with a heavy hand and her real work of R began.

You have to both be all in. Otherwise, you're better off banging your head on the wall.

@78Monte — Thanks a bunch, I hope you’ve had a chance to heal a bit — have safe holiday season!

@Cap!

Always good to see an old friend show up in the forum, brother

Amen, good to ‘see’ you as well, I’m so glad Mrs. Cap got off the bench is working WITH you on this stuff.

More baseball for me, first stop on our travels? Sarasota, Florida in March. Spring training with the Birds. :-)

Nothing to say except I'm glad life is going well for you and Mrs Ow.

Every time you turn up on SI, you help someone.

Enjoy your travels.

Good to hear from you, Cap. Honesty makes life so much easier!

Thought about you a lot this past season as I was watching the Os roll through the AL East. Glad you got to see the start of what should be a several year window open!

@sisson -

Thanks, as always for the kind words! I hope you and yours are doing well.

Every time you turn up on SI, you help someone.

Says the man who helped me so much and continues to be a tireless vanguard of good SI advice all these years later!

@Cap

I can't remember a more enjoyable season of watching baseball, well since I was a kid. Heck, it had been since 1980 or '81 since the O's last won 100 games. Baltimore ownership is still the biggest long term obstacle, but at least they got a real GM for this rebuild. Next up, Jackson Holiday. So many talented kids on the roster. May your Cubs have a hopeful spring!

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 3:08 PM, Wednesday, December 6th]

What a wonderful update. Spring training....it was bucket list trip for me about 10 years ago. It was wonderful. It truly is a blast. We are talking next year to do it again. Gonna skip this year as my Birds on the Bat had the very worst season of my life this year.
Enjoy your travels and the warm sun in February.

Congratulations!

I sometimes cut-and-paste quotable lines and statements that resonate with me when replying.
Had I done so with your text I would have had to cut and paste more-or-less the whole post.
Great message. Nobody ever said it would be easy.