SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First, this has nothing to do with me, but a friend of mine. Her husband is not someone that I consider a nice person and I have a worried about her for years.

Numerous things have happened, but the most recent one is this scenario: she has been asking about getting her basement re-floored. This is because it is old carpet and she has serious allergies and she is noticing she has a sore throat every time she is near it. Every time she has ever tried to get his assistance with anything he throws a big fit and so on and so forth. When she brought this up, he said he wants no part of it. She bought the flooring and she asked for his help in tearing it up and he left and told her this is her problem. Mind you if she hires somebody, he gets mad about that so she’s avoiding that argument. We are going to help her. Then he’ll be mad that she didn’t wait for him. The last project she had him do took him five years and it was reflooring a hallway… One fucking hallway! This is typical behavior for him whenever she needs anything done, and his excuse is always that nobody helps him. What he means is nobody will help him soup up a car or build a dream shed but her health concerns are supposed to be equal to that (wants versus needs). I keep telling her she is being abused in a way, and she does not think that is true. I almost wonder about infidelity, which is why I’m posting this in general and not off topic. Anyhow, am I wrong to express my concerns that I think he’s a piece of garbage? She only asks for help with things like this when it is health related.

[This message edited by deena04 at 11:20 PM, Monday, October 23rd]

If someone had told me my H was a piece of garbage, abusive, maybe unfaithful before d-day, I would have said they were wrong and I would have made excuses for his behavior. I wasn’t ready to see it. If you keep on criticizing her partner and she defends him, then eventually realizes you were right, she might hesitate to confide in you when she most needs a friend because she feels stupid for not seeing what you did. It might be better to help where you can and keep quiet about the louse she loves. Be there to help pick up the pieces when (hopefully) she sees what you see and kicks him out.

Empower her. Do the work make her healthy. Eventually she will see the abuse for what it is. As someone who has walked dthe path of abuse you know.
Support her, be there for her, do the work she can't physically do. Eventually she he ready. Support she she is. Pint out the garbage before she is but not in a way to make you the enemy.

It takes time and repeated events for an abused person to be able to see it for what it is. Be a good friend. Wait.

Oh Gosh, Deena, I agree it would be tempting to tell her to GTHO or something! I saw this with my late brother's 2nd wife and now his widow. She would hate me for breaking it to her about how badly she has been treated!

Maybe your friend's husband is just that garden variety Narcissistic Ass####? Lots of them around, too! Sadly, the idea that the husband's position as "breadwinner" means they're entitled to more consideration than their spouse has ancient roots....lot of ugly behaviors grew out of that thinking, human nature being human nature...

Tread with care, I'd say, while being there to the level you can stand - which to me means: the level where his behavior doesn't rile you up!

An aside question: How are you doing? 🙂

(edited for typo)

[This message edited by Superesse at 3:56 AM, Tuesday, October 24th]

I definitely plan to be gentle with my approach. However, she right now feels as though she is wrong to ask for help, and I am trying to reiterate that she does have the right to ask for help so that hopefully she grows and gets stronger. I lived a life of abuse, and I absolutely have zero time for it but I can usually pick it out of a crowd fast anymore. I already know her husband does not like me because I’m fairly certain my face says what my mouth is trying not to.

This guy sounds like a real jackass. Unfortunately, I know a few and they seem to mix narcissism with male chauvinism.

You sound like you're being a good friend. She's lucky to have someone looking out for her. Hopefully helping her health doesn't cause her more emotional stress from his reactions. It would be tough for me to do nothing too, but I'd wonder which is the less of two evils for her... the carpet, or the hell she'll have to pay for removing it.

I guess I don't really have any advice. It just reminds me of my xBIL and me having to drive a few hours to help my sister when he wouldn't. She never wanted me to make waves, or lean on him for fear of retribution. I hope you find a way to help your friend even if there is no infidelity.

That’s tricky. On the one hand we want to look out for those we love and it hurts us to see them being treated poorly. On the other hand though, I like to be a safe space that my loved ones can come to and express themselves in without fear of judgment, criticisms, or my feedback that they didn’t ask for.

As heartbreaking as it is to see someone in a situation like your friend is in, my opinion is to give the feedback only when asked, and when you do, provide it from a compassionate place where you build her up and show her her worth rather than break him down to her.

Ultimately, she is grown and she, too, has a choice to be in the situation she is in. At this time, she is wanting to be with this person. Likely because she’s used to the behavior, and perhaps has some sorts of worth or patterns behind that. Either way, when (and if) the discomfort and hurts she receives from being in the injuring situation she is in supersede her perceived comfort, she will make a change.

Sometimes I try to lead by example, sometimes I’ll try to share my own journey or recovery or findings in hopes that my own friends learn something from me that they can apply to their own selves/lives. Overall though, as friends and confidants, all we can do is guide, support, encourage, love and comfort those we care about and be a safe space for them. Hopefully, the loved ones we see in hurtful partnerships/decisions find their way eventually. In the mean time we will always be there for them in their journey no matter the stumbles along the way.

However, she right now feels as though she is wrong to ask for help, and I am trying to reiterate that she does have the right to ask for help so that hopefully she grows and gets stronger.

I think reiterating this like you’re doing and validating her feelings and reminding her not to apologize and all of those things are great ways to build her up.

[This message edited by maise at 11:34 AM, Tuesday, October 24th]

Hi Deena04,

I tend to agree with maise here (quote below), but it's probably not the advice you wanted to hear.

As heartbreaking as it is to see someone in a situation like your friend is in, my opinion is to give the feedback only when asked, and when you do, provide it from a compassionate place where you build her up and show her her worth rather than break him down to her.