That’s tricky. On the one hand we want to look out for those we love and it hurts us to see them being treated poorly. On the other hand though, I like to be a safe space that my loved ones can come to and express themselves in without fear of judgment, criticisms, or my feedback that they didn’t ask for.
As heartbreaking as it is to see someone in a situation like your friend is in, my opinion is to give the feedback only when asked, and when you do, provide it from a compassionate place where you build her up and show her her worth rather than break him down to her.
Ultimately, she is grown and she, too, has a choice to be in the situation she is in. At this time, she is wanting to be with this person. Likely because she’s used to the behavior, and perhaps has some sorts of worth or patterns behind that. Either way, when (and if) the discomfort and hurts she receives from being in the injuring situation she is in supersede her perceived comfort, she will make a change.
Sometimes I try to lead by example, sometimes I’ll try to share my own journey or recovery or findings in hopes that my own friends learn something from me that they can apply to their own selves/lives. Overall though, as friends and confidants, all we can do is guide, support, encourage, love and comfort those we care about and be a safe space for them. Hopefully, the loved ones we see in hurtful partnerships/decisions find their way eventually. In the mean time we will always be there for them in their journey no matter the stumbles along the way.
However, she right now feels as though she is wrong to ask for help, and I am trying to reiterate that she does have the right to ask for help so that hopefully she grows and gets stronger.
I think reiterating this like you’re doing and validating her feelings and reminding her not to apologize and all of those things are great ways to build her up.
[This message edited by maise at 11:34 AM, Tuesday, October 24th]
BW (SSM) D-Day: 6/9/2018 Status: waiting to finalize the divorce
"Our task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
— Rumi