SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all,
9 weeks on from my wife discovering my brief affair from 6 months ago. Have done well I think so far for how far we have gone but the reoccurring subject is "you can do everything but I’m not sure I can get past it". Is there anything I can do to help her in this stage? She thinks that she’s on a rollercoaster and that she is not sure she wants to carry on. We have talked about it a lot and she says there is nothing more I can say or do than I am already doing but surely there is.
Also how can I help rebuild trust? Are there are a few things I can put in place that will make her slowly begin to trust me again?
Thanks in advance

You just keep doing everything that you can to build yourself into a trustworthy partner who will have her back and be on her team. Keep stacking up the days of behaving like the man you want to be.

There's no magic formula for making her want to stay. She's got to figure that out on her own. She thought you were on the same team - you and her against the world - and then she found out that you're a double agent. That messes with a person's head and it takes time to sort it out. Some people know immediately that they want to R. Some need time. Some never come back once the trust is breached.

I'm rewatching Better Call Saul right now. Have you seen it? Gus Fring doesn't give second chances. He'll investigate the hell out of people before he allows them into his inner circle, and he'll cut them out without a second thought if they mess up. Your wife is Gus Fring right now. She doesn't trust you. She may never trust you again. The only thing that you can do is your best and hope that it's enough.
 
Be transparent, not just with your phone and your email, but with your thoughts and feelings.
Be accountable.
Continue to work on yourself. Figure out what it was in you that caused you to be able to betray your wife's trust.
Above all else, be honest, even when the truth is difficult.

Del - It's a complicated process. Your partner has had 9 weeks to process a new reality. Her saying "you can do everything but I’m not sure I can get past it" is a very valid response. She may soften, or she may come to the conclusion that it's beyond repair. I applaud you for seeking to act positively even though there's no guarantee. Don't do ANYTHING because she wants you to... do it because it's the right thing to do.
All you can do is empathize and do whatever you already know you need to do to become a safer partner. Disclose everything. Engage in IC and MC and be totally transparent in it. As you talk to her, If you find yourself minimizing or withholding information for ANY reason, you need to understand that it shows..

Don't do ANYTHING because she wants you to... do it because it's the right thing to do.

I feel the need to tweak this a little.

If your W asks you to do something, don't just do it with the thought of getting back in her good graces. Do it because it's the right thing to do. For instance, if she asks you to share your location, do it because it holds you accountable and helps her feel more secure.

Thanks for replies. Appreciate you taking your time to help me.

I always tell people that if you sort yourself out, everything else will fall into place. Keep on doing your best. Regardless of what happens with your W, you'll be a better man for having worked on yourself.

Have you read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald? It has a lot of really great information for helping her.

Don't lie. Tell the truth, even if you think it will hurt her. If she asks the same question repeatedly, it's the trauma on her brain that is causing it. She's trying to make sense out of a situation that doesn't make sense.

Trust is rebuilt by consistent actions over time.

Trust takes eons to rebuild. This is a marathon not a race.

I'd add one piece of advice: when she needs/wants space, give it to her.

Her feeling pressure to feel some kind of way to make you happy will set her back or keep her on the rollercoaster longer.

She needs room to heal before she can even consider reconciliation. Nine weeks is very, very early.

Encourage her healing. Encourage her time for herself however she takes it. Encourage her to see her friends or go for long walks or journal or whatever she needs right now to lick her wounds and get back on her feet. Do all of this out of love and care, not because you're trying to win her back.

The marriage, is second to her healing. There is no saving the marriage until she heals.

Today she says she feels numb and detached from me as she no longer wishes to discuss what happened. I am happy to but yesterday she asked me questions and she didn’t like my answers and says she now doesn’t want to talk. Do I keep pushing or wait to see if she will come back to wanting to talk? If she is numb and detached that isn’t a good sign for long term.

Reread the response right above your last post. Quit worrying about long term and get back in today. Live in the present. And quit worrying about yourself.

"I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I don't know whether to leave you alone or try to reach out to you, so I'll honor your request and won't bother you. I'm always available if you'd like to talk."

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You know what love is? Love isn't wanting something for yourself. Love isn't wanting reassurance that the woman whom you betrayed isn't going to leave you because of what you did to her.

Regardless of whether you're religious or not, THIS is the true definition of love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love is wanting the best for the other person, even when the best thing for them may not be what YOU want.

You do you. Be honorable, do the right thing, work hard to become a trustworthy person, and see where you land.

Thanks for the reply. Agree with what you say and will focus on that.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I know you're in a lot of pain, too.

I truly, truly believe that the best course of action is to selflessly allow her the space to grieve while letting her know that you're available. It's a gift to her. It's hard for you, so it's even more of a gift to her. Does that make sense?

Don’t apologise it was a good post. It makes sense thank you. Have a good evening

She shouldn't have to be asking questions.

You need to write out a complete, detailed, timeline of the affair, and give it to her. She will probably have more questions, but the timeline will answer a lot of them.

She shouldn't have to extract info from you. You need to be volunteering info.

She IS on an emotional roller-coaster. You put her on it. If you want reconciliation, you need to buckle up, and ride it with her.

Stop pressuring her. She's going to feel a lot of things. Including numb. It's normal. It's healthy.

Tell her everything. Please don't say you have. It would be extremely rare for a ws to have told his wife everything, 2 months past dday.

How do you respond to her pain? Her anger?

If you are defensive, that needs to end.

What work are you doing to become a safe partner?

It takes years of hard work to reconcile. You need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Share this site with her. She needs support.