SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello. I wouldn't say i am at my lowest point in life, but im pretty close. I (34m) have been with my Fiancee (28F) about 11 years. About 4 years ago we moved in with each other. I cannot say everything was great. Far from it. Lots of arguments, lack of sex at some points etc. For myself I am not perfect. I am slightly overweight (lost 25 pounds over the last 4 months so im getting there but slowly), I am not the richest but ok, but i am not perfect. So let me dive in.

About 3 years ago i noticed that she was on the phone a lot with some guy she went to university with. About 3 years ago i noticed that she was on the phone a lot with some guy. I went into her phone and noticed the messages they were sending. I do regret going into her phone, but my instincts were telling me something is not right. Well I looked and without too much digging in her hidden messages. I find that he was sending messages to her, sexual messages, very inappropriate messages. I cannot say she was reciprocating them but she was not telling him that this is inappropriate and was continuing the conversation. I found out and confronted her. She said that she will not contact him again etc. She acknowledged it was wrong, her main reason was because she didn't like having sex with me because of my weight. My mental state hit rockbottom, i put even more weight on, went through personal therapy, couples therapy etc we went back in a decent place. I asked her to marry me the following year etc

Last week while planning for her birthday i went into her phone again (her phone was actually open when she fell asleep, and i needed to get some photos because her friend wanted to create a surprise collage of photos for her bday. I do not have any photos on my phone as i dont take any of her or myself) As she fell asleep her phone was on a messages on instagram. I took her phone and Surprise surprise she is talking to the same guy again inappropriate sexual messages from him, she was inviting him to her girls night out, him saying he is not sure because if he goes on her girls night out he will impregnate her etc. I confronted her again.

She told me he contacted her a few days ago to let her know he wanted to be with her etc. That she does not know why she invited him etc. she knew he was not going to come etc. After I confronted her about this, she allegedly messaged him that she needs to focus on this relationship. And she conveniently deleted all messages, The phone call he made when he told her he wants to be with her etc. i have no evidence of this. Now i am in a situation where my trust issues has skyrocketed.

I have asked her multiple times if she has cheated on me. she says no. For about a week we have not been communicating, just a few words here and there. I havent been thinking love her, but i cant trust her. But what if she is telling the truth? not sure.

Today it seems like the final straw. I have found out that she has blocked me on Instagram. i asked her if she did, she said no she has unfollowed me because I unfollowed her. (which i did not I basically have insta just to communicate with her.) I have noone following me except her and i do not follow anyone.) So i asked her to see if she accidentally blocked me. She said she will check later, (she says this while she is on her phone). So now my trust issues are flaring back up. I asked her again that i dont understand why she cant take 30 seconds to see if she has blocked me or not. She then went into an argument with me; that i am like a dog with a bone and that i am not asking, i am requesting and she does not want to check right now and she does not have to; and she does not want to get into an argument. She has just left for work.

Advice please? the relationship is 10 years on. we are slowly planning the wedding. On one hand she could be telling the truth and she has not been cheating and because of being not up to par with attractiveness she could have allowed this guy to talk to her this way. On the other hand i suspect that she has been cheating and she is an outright liar with no respect to me, my mental state etc.

Advice please cheers? what are your thoughts.

She's not "potentially cheating." She IS cheating.

The second time you ever looked at her phone..and it's a mere coincidence that the same man that was an issue before(because she was cheating with him then), just happened to message her a couple of days prior out of the blue? Bullshit.

She's been cheating with this guy for a very long time. She invited him out because she wanted to see him.

Stop the wedding planning.

Look, even if she wasn't cheating, she is a cruel woman. Her comment about your weight was mean. She also dismisses your feelings. It would have been super easy to see if she blocked you, but she refused. It wasn't an accident. She knows she blocked you. It's not something that can be done accidentally on IG. You have to go to the person's page,click the dots, then click block,then it asks you if you're sure you want to block this person, and you click block. She blocked you so you couldn't see that she didn't block him.

If you need more proof,stop confronting. Everytime you do, she tries to hide it better. Get a voice activated recorder,and put it under the seat of the car. You will have proof in a few days.

This isn't your fault.

The responses will be hard to hear..but we will help you through this.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:46 PM, Thursday, September 21st]

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. I was married for 20 years. After that I dated 3 different women. All of them cheated on me. But they said they didn't. They just needed space. I was paranoid and controlling and insecure. Blah blah blah. That's all gaslighting. Bottom line my gut was telling me what I did not want to believe. But my gut was always right. Every time. I was just making excuses because I could not accept the truth. Even with my wife of 20 years who I never thought in a million years would cheat. It's up to you man. I think you are making excuses for her. Just because you are overweight does not give her the right to let another man talk sexually to her and to invite him out with her. You are engaged. She is your future wife. This is not wife behavior. The lesson I have learned the hard way is to always trust your gut.

"On the other hand I suspect that she has been cheating and she is an outright liar with no respect to me or my mental state."

BINGO!

Hey Ron,

Sorry you are going through this. Right now you are in a state where you are putting too much blame on yourself.

Really take a 10,000 foot view of this. At the very least she is 100% wrong to be talking to a guy who has feelings for her. Its called an emotional affair and the book "Not Just Friends" clearly explains this out, which I encourage you both to read.

That is a huge violation of boundaries and I would honestly encourage you to halt getting into a marriage with someone who would do that and not show remorse. It is cheating 100% and you don't deserve that no matter what the situation. Mature couples talk through issues they don't cheat, they don't put each other down or do tit for tat reactions on social media.

Also it sounds like she doesn't support you and would rather blame shift (i.e. I am talking to him because of your weight, not answering your questions about social media) rather that look internally and ask herself why she can't be faithful and talk to you about problems/needs as opposed to seek another person.

If she can't show remorse and positive steps for her actions, i.e. allowing you to see all messages on instagram (which you can download in the app settings), speaking the truth about her situation with this guy 100%, and going to IC to figure out why she cheated as opposed to working with you to overcome relationship problems and why she can't support you as oppose to tearing you down.

Think about what you want in the relationship and what she is not giving you. Express your needs to her, be as calm and rational as you can to clearly lay out she cheating on you, and you will not put up with it. Let her know what you need to move forward.

You are a person who is worth love. If she can't accept your needs or meet your values in a relationship then be prepared for what your next steps away from her will be (moving out, sleeping in a separate bed, breaking up). Whatever you feel is appropriate for you. But create distance with people who don't value you

Also check out a tactical primer in this board and if you are struggling with any forms of depression over this then I highly recommend working on yourself (i.e. getting healthier, doing activities you enjoy) and finding a therapist who specializes in ACTS

[This message edited by Tav3n at 3:55 PM, Thursday, September 21st]

Welcome to SI and sorry that you've had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you will find helpful. Also, the Healing Library is another treasure trove of information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

Please don't let the amount of time spent in the relationship be your deciding factor. Look up "sunk cost fallacy" to understand a little better. I filed for D (divorce) after being married 30+ years. Time is too short to be in a terrible relationship.

She’s pathetic.

You’re not married yet and there’s no kids so why on earth would you stay? Get out and don’t look back.

Ron123,

I really did feel some anger when I read your post.

Namely, she told you she contacted this guy because she didn't want sex with you, because you were overweight WTF...Not only is that typical blameshifting, but a downright disgusting thing to say to you..that was the bit that made me angry!

The behaviour is typical of a cheater, the undertones of this suggest she is hacked off because she got found out, you will get good sound advice here, but yes, as others have said, stop confronting, it will go more underground.

So sorry you have to deal with this, we have all been there and it is horrible.

I'm sorry, but I would make her my "ex-fiance" effective immediately. You are in for a world of hurt if you marry this woman.

we are slowly planning the wedding.

I hope you haven’t put down any deposits yet. It takes 2 to 5 years to heal from infidelity. Whether or not she’s been in the same room as this guy, and I wouldn’t bet any sum on that, she is definitely cheating.

She’s intentionally blocked you on instagram to protect her affair with him. Think about that for a moment. She gets caught in an emotional affair (at the least) and instead of acting to protect you and your relationship she is lying to continue her affair.

She is not a candidate for reconciliation right now, do not make the mistake of treating her like one. Do not do any semblance of the pick me dance. That will only make you look weak and encourage her to keep cake eating. In the few cases that it does "work", the only thing it gets you is an unremorseful cheater who will repeat.

Take marriage off the table. Move her crap out of the master bedroom and put a lock on the door. Demand no contact and complete transparency. Watch her actions, pay zero attention to whatever falls out of her mouth.

Check out the healing library here. Pay particular attention to the simplified 180.

Ron,

asc1226 has this nailed, as hard as it is, please believe this woman is not a safe partner.

She then went into an argument with me; that i am like a dog with a bone

Wut?! I'm so sorry man, she showed you the middle finger and already has made herself comfortable with the betreyal. From now on, you are in full control if you allow more disrespect. Stand up for yourself

I'm sorry for your situation.

Yes she's cheating on you. If not physically, then at least emotionally.

The way she talks to you is unacceptable. You deserve more. As for you weight, if she really loved you, it wouldn't matter.

At this point, I'd call off the wedding and seriously think about separating. You deserve better and that person is out there.

Hi Ron,
I'm sorry you're at the club no one wants to be at.
You are young, you have no children with her and you aren't married to her yet.
My wife cheated on me 6 yrs ago after 26 yrs of marriage and being together over 30 yrs .
If I'd known how hard it is to work through this shit, I would have left.
Pack your bags and run..

I’m sorry you find yourself here. Some of this advice will be hard to hear but she is an un remorseful, liar and cheater. I agree with the rest, she cheated before the wedding, that’s a no go, NEXT!!!!

Hi, Ron, welcome to SI.

Gently, I'm in the camp with the members who have said she is cheating.

She probably never stopped seeing him. He just recently contacted her?

Cheaters lie. They lie. They lie some more.

Run. Forrest, run, and never look back..

She is not marriage material.

Please find a good IC for yourself to help you navigate this trauma AND get yourself to a place where you are confident and physically fit.

Please, please, call off the wedding.

h

e then went into an argument with me; that i am like a dog with a bone and that i am not asking,

^^^Not only is she cheating, she is treating you with such disdain.

You aren't married, there is no child involved. Run.

I’m sorry you are facing the same situation for the second time.

Reality check - IF she really cared about you and your feelings, she would have answered your question about the account.

Instead she screamed at you.

Right now you have too many red flags, including communication issues, trust issues, fidelity and monogamy issues, etc.

I can tell you that EVERY ONE I know who was cheated on before the marriage was cheated on during the marriage. That is more than 20 people who all wished they would have wised up and not married their cheating fiancé/fiancée.

I hope this helps you.

Ron,

In a relationship there can be various types of infidelity. This site deals mainly with the typical sexual and emotional infidelity, but we also see financial, abusive, workaholic, play-golf-all-days, plain-old alcoholic… all sorts of behaviors that betray the expectations of a relationship. Basically – if you are doing things that are contrary to a good relationship and doing those things KNOWING it can and will damage the relationship it could be considered infidelity.

I hate making assumptions… In your post there is nothing that confirms a sexual affair. I could also argue that there is smoke, but maybe no fire as far as the invitation for the guy to the party…
The sexual innuendo? Definitely a no-no, but frankly many would hide that behind some gray line of "innocent" flirtation. But… probably not us on this site.

But… what I do clearly see is that you should really question your compatibility and the future of you two as a couple…

If I’m on with my math she was 16-17 when you started dating and you were 22-23. At that age, that is a big difference. In things like life-experience, maturity and all that. All this time as a couple – and I’m guessing engaged for four years?
What prompted the engagement? Was it simply because you felt that after 7 years you should be engaged? Did you set a date? Why four years? Or was it simply because you moved in together?
There is no correlation with the length of period before marriage and the longevity of the marriage… Way too often a couple living together change their status to engaged or get married to escape some ditch the relationship might have landed in. I’m wondering if you two went from dating to engaged to save something…

What I’m aluding to is that maybe your relationship has simply run it’s course… Maybe you are where you are because of habit, rather than desire.

I find her reasons extremely shallow and frankly not conductive to a good relationship. What happens in the future if you get the seemingly inevitable middle belt we men tend to get? Or if her breasts start to sag after the second child? Stretch-marks, balding… the ravages of time… If she relies on things that happen to you or things that you do to excuse why she needs to flirt with other men…

I think the two of you need a serious talk. In many ways a lot more serious than "what’s that guy doing at your girls-night-out" but rather "what is our future? Do you WANT to be here? What is it you want?" and be totally open to the possible outcome that it might be best for both of you to accept that this has run it’s course and it’s better you split now rather than be miserable.

Heck… THAT conversation might even get you two focused on saving your relationship. But have that talk…