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Newest Member: meatplow

Reconciliation :
she wants to "take it slow"


 DeGeGuy (original poster new member #83785) posted at 9:58 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

And I don't understand. I feel like I am the one chasing her.

Our relationship feels like a shell of what we used to be. Yet when I communicate that I'm done, that I'll leave if she cannot officially commit to me, she breaks down in tears and begs to stay.

Once I am back, the "I love you"'s turn to "love you"'s. During our relationship she would want to see me everyday. Now we see each other for 2-3 days a week, and barely speak on the rest of the days.

AP is gone. The OBS knows and chose to stay with him. My wayward gf (7 years) broke contact with AP, and she's clearly disgusted by him, herself and full of regret and shame.

So the affair I'm very certain: is over.

I feel like reconciliation cannot be taken slowly. How should I be able to build trust, if she keeps me at arms length, yet pulls me in, once I stray too far? She knows me for 8 years. She knows who I am. She doesn't need to take things slow to figure out if she wants this relationship to rekindle or not. She kn

Distance used to be no issue before d-day. But now, it's making it impossible for me to re-evaluate who she is, what we are, and where things are going. And I don't understand why she either still cannot be honest and communicate that, for her, too much damage has been done OR how she actually feels good with the way things are right now. Because that's what she's telling me.

"I just want to feel our connection without feeling the pressure to make a decision. I believe that's the way we'll come together".

I just feel like her shame, guilt and remorse is convincing her to give us another chance. Not our love, bond and history. But whenever I say that, and I do, tears start rolling and the re-assurance, she loves me, she see's only us in the future, starts coming.

Any input on my situation is highly appreciated.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: Germany
id 8808126

annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:54 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Reconciliation is not linear, she's either in or out. It can't be half baked. Yes, it will take time, but both parties have to have both feet in it to win it.

Waywards should drive the reconciliation with actions, not words or love bombing. Her actions prove that she's got one foot in and one foot out. Is she pining for the OM? Could be she's grieving the loss of that relationship.

It's her actions that matter, and gently, her actions don't seem as though she is a good candidate for R.

barely speak on the rest of the days.

^^She should be jumping through hoops to win you and your trust back.

posts: 11966   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8808144

MintChocChip ( member #83762) posted at 11:57 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

The absolute best thing for you, right now, is to walk away.

If things are supposed to be, she will use that time to get herself together and come back all in.

If things are not supposed to be, she won't and you will be able to move on with someone else and a happier life.

Take it from me, that if you let someone stay with only half their foot in the door, then even if they do eventually come around - the damage they did in the process is generally unfixable.

D Day: September 2020
Currently separated

posts: 186   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808145

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:57 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

I’m Sorry to say but you are not in reconciliation.

She’s using you (why I don’t know) but she’s not doing much to keep you in the relationship except being manipulative and doing the bare minimum.


Because it works for her.


She believes you won’t leave her or end your relationship. She’s too darn comfortable in your dynamics.

During my H’s midlife crisis affair I was very upfront that I’m not putting up with the lying and cheating. He pretended to R - but he was still cheating. When I found out the affair had been ongoing while I worked my butt off R, I pulled the trigger.

Executed my exit plan and went hard 180 on him. He thought he was going to worm his way out of it. He was shocked when I kicked him to the curb and refused to R.

My only regret it that I didn’t go it after Dday 1. It would have saved me six months of torture and emotional distress caused by my lying cheating H.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13515   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8808184

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 6:20 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

Even though the AP is out of the picture, she’s still on the emotional fence. She’s not IN the relationship, but she’s also not ready to leave it. She’ll probably perch up there for a good while, if she’s allowed.

You know that saying, "You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone"? I am a firm believer that many WSs need to feel the loss of their BS in order to pull their heads out of their nether regions. I strongly recommend that you do the 180 and see what happens.

Let the world feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.

posts: 552   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8808186

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:27 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

The only reason that your gf’s affair is over (if, indeed, it over and not just taken underground while things cool off) is because AP’s wife found out. Are they still working together? If so, you can bet good money the affair will resume, if it hasn’t already.

Most likely, she is staying with you for the time being because she has no soft place to land if you break up. She wants to keep her options open in case she finds someone better.

As myself and others said in your JFO thread, be grateful you decided to hold off on marriage and kids with this woman while you finished your degree. If dating is a rehearsal for marriage, she has already shown you that she can’t uphold marital vows for better or for worse and has no respect for the institution of marriage itself.

The fact that you were married doesn’t diminish your pain, of course, but at least you can walk away from the relationship without the cost and legal hassle involved in divorce, and you’re not tied to her forever through children.

For reconciliation to work, she needs to be driving it. She needs to show you that she is 100% committed to you and to rebuilding the relationship. Her words and actions clearly demonstrate that she isn’t all-in. You’re wasting your time and causing yourself needless pain by trying to keep the relationship together on your own.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1601   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8808187
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