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Newest Member: onthefence2024

Reconciliation :
The various shades of reconciliation

Topic is Sleeping.

 Legatus (original poster member #79152) posted at 4:15 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. My story has a history of false reconciliation. As far as I know my WW hasn't communicated with the AP in a few years. It's true the thoughts and mind videos fade over time. For me though, I don't think I'll ever really have any significant trust for my WW wife. We get along and are doing a good job co-parenting, but as time goes by I just continue to think she's a crappy person. I know people do things that are crappy when they are in the affair fog, but that doesn't mean it's not part of who they are in general. It's not an excuse.

when I first entered into reconciliation it was with the intent of genuinely rebuilding the relationship into something new. I imagined that would be something with less trust, but with a renewed bond. What I find myself in is a co-parenting relationship I will likely exit from one the kids are gone. I know there's a lot of schools of thought on staying for the kids. I've weighed the pros and cons for my specific situation with an emphasis on what's in the children's best interest and I've landed on staying married. There are some deal breakers that would force an exit of the marriage like me finding out she's resumed her affair. That seems a little hypocritical of me considering my position, but that's where I am.

Recently I found a new instance of my wife lying. My WW's affair was with co-worker. He lives in another state. She had gone to visit him and his wife to run race. It turned out the wife was out of town that weekend. There was one night where my WW and the AP had alone and had sex. The other two nights another female co-worker was there for the race. Yes, I've considered the possibility of a threesome, but never found evidence of it. The female co-worker was someone my wife knew, but wasn't really friends with. I haven't uncovered much communication between my WW and her before or after the race. The female co-worker was/is pretty close with the AP. She's married and I suspect her and the AP have something going on.

This woman had texted my wife in June saying "WW, is this still your number? Today is AP's birthday!!! I bet you knew that!!! Hope you are solid my friend!!!". My wife deleted the text without responding. Our agreement was that anytime anyone communicated with her and mentioned him, she would tell me. She just hid it. If she's willing to hide that, then she's still willing to hide a whole bunch more is my stance. And, I thought the word "solid" was a strange choice of words. To me it like saying, "I hope you are still keeping the secret." Any thoughts on that would be appreciated.

posts: 144   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8808001

WhiteCarrera ( member #29126) posted at 4:55 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Legatus - no real helpful thoughts from me, other than to let you know that your situation isn't entirely unique. I can commiserate and relate to every part of your story:

Long-time reconciliation with good co-parenting,
AP was a work associate,
AP lives in another state,
Bonded over running and racing,
Affair initiated with one night together while away at a meeting,
Another female friend was circling around the whole interaction,
Doubts about a possible threesome, but no real evidence;
WW swears friend was not involved or aware at all (still don't believe it),
Agreement with WW to share all mentions or communications about AP,
This agreement routinely ignored over the years,
Recent evidence of WW lying about completely non-related stuff,
Impossible to regain full trust.

Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now? (haha - how naive was I when I wrote that?)

me - husband; her - wife, Married 13 years @ D-Day in 2009. Now married 27 years and hanging in there (maybe by a thread sometimes)

posts: 383   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 8808008

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 4:56 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Being solid has a couple of meanings. Being respectable, dependable, reliable is the most common and is the root of your concern. I've also seen it used in response to how you are doing. In the context it's that I'm doing okay regardless of what life throws at you.

Your WW treated you abominably. She stuck to the lies until you beat her over the head with proof. She just crossed a boundary that was clearly defined. IMO, I wouldn't stay quiet. Either confront and demand better or file and move on. You can co-parent from separate households. Home is supposed to be a haven from the world at large. I'd have no interest in living with a roommate I didn't have any trust in. Way too toxic over time.

posts: 1591   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8808009

1994 ( member #82615) posted at 5:04 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

I think you're right to be suspicious. Whatever the motivations of her POS Friend may be, the fact that she deleted texts against your agreement would be the biggest red flag for me.
I agree that the odds of her being in direct contact with her AP is slim, but given her intense connection to him for so long, it is possible that she is maintaining some kind of passive connection. It may be time to use tools to recover all of her deleted texts and schedule a polygraph.
She may balk, especially if it's innocent or this is the first time, but she's proven beyond all doubt that she's capable of lying and hiding information.
Stay strong.

posts: 158   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8808012

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 5:09 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

I'm curious: How did you find out about the text?

Also, are you still acting as a married couple, or are you essentially roommates who are coparenting?

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1300   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8808013

 Legatus (original poster member #79152) posted at 5:32 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

I see the text as an attempt at third-party communication. That woman hasn't contacted her for years as far as I know and as the test suggests by asking if that was still her number. My best guess is the friend was in communication with the AP that day and that prompted the text.

I found out about the text because the texts to her phone also come to my iPad and aren't deleted when she deletes them from her phone. It took me three months to see it because I don't look that often. Not because I trust her, but because I don't want to live my life spending a bunch of energy being a detective. I let her know I was aware of it and declined to have much of a conversation about it. It's just more of the same and I don't have anything new to say or hear for that matter. Up until I found it we were acting as a married couple. I've kind of fell into an involuntary 180 since I found it.

When you say tool, are you talking about Dr phone? I've never pulled the trigger on that because I had doubts about it's effectiveness. Maybe I should give it a try. The tests that come through on my iPad from her phone are only the iMessage's, which leaves a big hole in that safeguard. I've checked her phone from time to time and looked at the battery usage since I've been told it will show power draws from apps that have been installed and deleted. Nothing there.

posts: 144   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8808017

1994 ( member #82615) posted at 5:56 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

When you say tool, are you talking about Dr phone?

I don't have any personal experience with that either, but a lot of folks seem to have used it effectively. At a minimum, you may force a parking lot confession from her by telling her you planned to use it to recover deleted texts against your agreement. I don't normally think head games like that are a good idea, but she's proving herself to be unsafe.
I went back and looked at your last post as well. Did you ever get around to doing a polygraph? If not, I suggest one now. You just shouldn't trust her.

[This message edited by 1994 at 6:16 PM, Friday, September 15th]

posts: 158   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8808020

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:04 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

In your situation, when you are years out from dday,and the ws is still lying/wayward, and you are able to detach, I see nothing wrong with staying for the kids. They're only kids for a short time, and it's time you can't get back. Add in you don't know what kind of man she might bring around the kids,if you're divorced? Probably a wise choice.

IF... you can detach. If you can see her as an annoying roomate. If her actions are no longer causing you pain. If you can be friendly with her, so there isn't tension in the house.

She has shown you she has no intention of changing. Sure you could confront and give her requirements to work on herself. You've already done that.

I'm sorry she turned out to not be reconciliation material.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:04 PM, Friday, September 15th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8808024

 Legatus (original poster member #79152) posted at 6:30 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Hellfire - Your comments sum it up pretty well. I let her know I knew about it, but didn't have any need to ask her any questions about it. It irked me, but I didn't enter an activated hypervigilant state like I would have in the past. I just thought to myself if she was willing to cover something little like this up, she's swilling to cover up bigger things. I think she's confused as to why I've been so detached since I found it. I'm not going to explain it to her. She should be able to figure it out on her own. I think it's likely she is in the marriage for the same reason as I am. Maybe we'll discuss that at some point.

posts: 144   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8808030

bluewater ( member #9297) posted at 9:38 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Hi Legatus.

What I find myself in is a co-parenting relationship I will likely exit from one the kids are gone.

Does she know that you feel this way? And for the record you are not the first to feel like this nor would you be the first to walk away once your kids are on their own.

I just continue to think she's a crappy person

I remember you posting about all the work she did once she pulled her head out of her ass. I really thought that she had turned the corner. What happened?

Finally, are your kids aware of what their mom did?

posts: 668   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2006
id 8808120
Topic is Sleeping.
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