Well, I did promise I would block him if it ever felt necessary or right for me to do that - and today the day came. Unexpected, but this is a pretty horrific update.
So, a big bugbear / source of argument over the last couple of years was that our house was too small and was rented. I am not talking like, a little too small, I am talking too small in the sense a number of my important belongings were in storage and I didn't feel home. Feeling home was *very* important to me following on from all of this as I really needed a sense of basic stability under my feet in order to feel okay.
I am traumatised, it's normal to need that right?
We had been planning to buy our dream home together until the A happened and a lot of the sense of loss and pain I felt surrounding it was based on my dreams, and hopes and so on being derailed. So a huge part of sticking with the R, was that he was saying "I am going to give you this stability and I am fully committed to a shared life" which is what he promised me all the way through.
So the idea was we would temporarily move into this tiny place to look for the house to buy. It was a rental, it was all in his name, and there was no space for anything. No windows in the tiny kitchen (I love to cook) no closet space, no room for people to visit. It was like a holding zone. I felt actively uncomfortable and it really declined my already flailing mental health.
So when we started this process, I was expecting he would live up to the commitment to get the counselling, do the work and so on - as well as in a more practical sense to move ahead with buying the house. He really did none of those things. And here is the problem. He felt he didn't want to buy the house because "we" were unstable as a unit. Which is true we were.
But without a basically sound living space, how do you even begin?
So, we fought a lot about the house. I really needed a proper home, so I said "fine, if you're not ready given the circumstances to commit to buying our house then maybe we can just get a bigger rental". He agreed. And I ended up waiting 18 months and that never materialised.
I mean, more or less every fight the last year was about the damn house. Not even the affair. The damn house.
It was a lot like the counselling and "the work", it just basically never materialised. He was too busy, too sick, or invented money problems which didn't exist and it really hurt me. I felt he was actively preventing me from having a comfortable home in order to keep a foot out of the door.
So anyway, that was ultimately the crux of me actually leaving. I decided I couldn't get better or feel better without a proper home and if he wasn't going to commit to one with me - to hell with him - I was getting one myself. And so I did.
Initially we kind of framed it between us as having a "joint" city apartment and a country cottage and we would split our time between both, but the reality was that one was in his name with most of his stuff and the other was in my name with most of my stuff.
So pretty quickly I realised that he'd ultimately let me down, not shown real commitment or caring for my wellbeing and that was really when I hit the "screw this" frame of mind with it all.
So since I left, you know he's been crying and begging and showing signs of doing "the work"; then yesterday he texts me out of nowhere and says "I am thinking of buying the house". And I was like "WTF????". I said "are you serious? 18 months of all the reasons under the sun we couldn't move and now I left and got my own place all those excuses have disappeared and you're buying the house BY YOURSELF?
He says that he was thinking that he realises he has been too sick, messed up and unstable HIMSELF to give that to me, and he thinks owning a home will give him a sense of stability. He said he is not being selfish, and that if he was thinking of just himself he would buy a small house for one, but he's buying the big one that I wanted because he hopes that what can happen is that he is sorting things out - providing the home, starting to do "the work" and that I will eventually come home.
And at first this sounds kind of sweet.
Then it kind of hits me like a tonne of bricks. He's buying OUR dream home WITHOUT me a month after I left because he wouldn't buy the dream home? Or even agree to a suitable shared living environment???? And something feels off about that (not to mention that it seems to completely not take into account my feelings or what I actually want because I really don't want my dream house to be bought without me)
And a creepy feeling sort of comes over me when I realise what's really going on.
And I suddenly get really, really, really angry, because well - here I am a couple of hundred miles away healing from HIS affair on my damned OWN because after 3 years he has not lifted much of a finger to participate in that, but I am also dealing with serious financial instability because the home I was meant to get with HIM and was promised for nigh on five years, actually evaporated and I had to do this by myself, and now he thinks he is going to get the house without me and give himself all the stability and security that was basically just ripped from me, and when I am done healing from his infidelity on MY OWN that I will magically come back?
Is this like new, nuclear level rug sweeping and entitlement?!!!
and he retorts:
"This kind of anger is exactly why I was hesitant to get a house with you, and this is exactly the type of reaction I can't cope with. I could not find a real home with you until precisely this stopped and there was no guarantee it ever would. You have these rages at me every few weeks and then blame me for not choosing to be trapped in a situation where more of it was guaranteed. I have told you so many times but you just won't accept that you need to change. You continually and repeatedly behave in ways that harm me. I am buying OUR dream home so that we can live in it together, but first we need stability and for this anger to stop".
And there is it. There's the real truth.
All this time I wanted and needed a proper home, as I was promised a thousand times, what he is thinking is that he doesn't want to sign a mortgage (or even a lease) with this lady who is mad at him. So instead of realising:
a) he caused that lady to be mad at him
b) it's his responsibility to take action to help her STOP being mad at him
He decided he doesn't really like that much.
What he's going to do instead is harm this lady enormously, and repeatedly, then do absolutely nothing whatsoever to resolve that then tell her that her REACTION is what's causing the harm to HIM, and that because of that she is no longer worthy of security, commitment or basically her own home.
He actually believes, and has figured out in his mind, that the best thing to do was sort it out so he had MY dream house, and the door was open for me to stay in it - but it would be in HIS name alone. And it sounds an awful lot like his expectation here is that once I had dealt with his infidelity BY MYSELF whilst struggling financially alone - that would sure be a good time to come back.
So he got a reply that said, "I am sorry you felt "trapped" in a home with me. The opportunity to heal what you broke was clearly not something you saw as the gift it was, so let me make things easier for you by taking that gift off the table. You go enjoy our dream house by yourself and all your peace and quiet from the tears and pain you gave me. Don't contact me again. Goodbye".
And then I blocked him.
There have been times through this I felt almost blown to bits by how selfish he was - but to see so nakedly that what was happening here was kind of a shock.
I really regret spending so much of my life loving this person and that's the first time in all this that I really felt that way.
[This message edited by MintChocChip at 5:04 PM, Tuesday, September 19th]