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Reconciliation :
Did anyone have a lot of false R than finally changed when you left?

Topic is Sleeping.
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:07 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

IDK if you're ready to throw in the towel yet, and I don't see him as a totally lost cause yet. But whether he's a great or lousy candidate for R, what matters most here is what you want, and you have written above your best bet:

So basically: leave him to it, keep a distance and see what he does, but in the meantime take this time to look after me?

Right now you look torn. Have faith in yourself to come to a conclusion. Maybe you'll know what's best for you today. Maybe it will take some weeks or months. Looking after yourself is probably the quickest way to figure out the best solution for you.

And remember: none of us can predict the future. You can't control him. Maybe he's a good long-term bet; maybe he's not. You must make a decision, and you can't avoid risk.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:08 PM, Friday, September 15th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30051   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8808064
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AintDatSpecial ( member #83560) posted at 7:10 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

I’m so sorry for all the pain you’re in. In your shoes, I would go hard 180. It seems like the more you let him in, the more hurt you allow. From previous posts it seems you’re not legally married? Not sure if you have any outstanding legal matters, if so I’d let those all my handled through the lawyers to avoid any open doors. I’m glad you’re getting IC, I hope it is helpful to you.

Me- BW/ Him- WH, both early 40s/ D-day June 2023/ working on healing me

posts: 58   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2023   ·   location: United States
id 8808066
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 7:25 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

I am feeling pretty okay now, but I felt so angry about his messages this morning I had to take the day off work. I am at a point now, where I am just so tired of the fallout from someone else's screw ups making my life so unpleasant.

I just want peace and quiet. I don't mind not having him there anymore. I don't care about the losses anymore. I just want peace and quiet and for no one to say or do anything which hurts me or makes me need a day off work.

I want to go through the process of giving to myself, what I was waiting for him to give me. I want to process all of this and to give myself empathy, validation, understanding and then peace. Rather than hearing every day his never ending poor me story.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808083
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 9:13 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

How about calling a moratorium on contact for a set period of time? You can see how that goes, and then reevaluate when that time period expires. Maybe start with three days or a week - whatever feels right. I don't think you're going to get your peace - and he's not going to feel the loss of you - while you're still in contact.

I was crazy for contact with my H when we were separated. I craved it, even if it wasn't positive. I got sick of myself - and him - and arranged for a nice weekend away. I wanted to spend some time with myself. Alone. No friends. Just me. I booked a nice hotel for a night, went to museums, did some shopping for gourmet snacks, and hung out in my own company. It was magical and I had a huge burst of personal growth. I'll never forget standing in front of the hotel bathroom mirror and looking into my own eyes and crying myself inside out. And I knew that I would be okay. I think you need some of that.

You said you have a nice little cottage now. How about spending a little time making your space lovely and cozy? Or maybe take a quick trip to the seaside? Treat yourself. And commit to being alone - and quiet - for a little while. You're picking at this situation like a scab, which is totally understandable.

You remind me so much of myself. smile

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1340   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8808117
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 10:09 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

"It's only possible to have these conversations when I feel like you are listening. So often I have felt dismissed, blamed or criticised. When in order to give you what you need is for you to listen and accept and understand. Because you say only your feelings and needs matter"

I read this today and it just made my blood BOIL for you and for the me. of my past

My WH was ALL ABOUT the "feeling dismissed and criticized" bullshit.

Sorry - caps - bolding - cursing....yeah, this one really gets me, because it is ALL DEFLECTION. After d-day 2 (and if memory serves just about a week or two before WH decided to go back for Round 3 of illicit affair with workmate/former friend and still workmate's wife) he and I were sitting out on the patio. It was freaking cold as cold can be out, and I was talking to him about something A related...I don't recall what, all I know was I hadn't gotten more than about 2 sentences out of my mouth when he cut me off - and launched into a 1+ hour diatribe about how I was so critical of him, and appeared to not care what he thought. He was tense, and used this tone of voice that thankfully I haven't heard in ages (to this day he does not believe that he actually sounds different when deflecting/defensive/lying - but he does, for 100% sure now - I don't need a polygraph all he has to do is talk and if he's lying, I pretty much know it - he even enunciates differently...but I digress) and he was so fucking self-righteous - like he was the victim. I mean he didn't say it BUT it was like he was insinuating that I was such a fucking monster that I pretty much drove him to seek someone out who "understood him" or something.

I. Should. Have. Left. Right. Then.

Why? Because there was NOTHING I was going to be able to do to get him to see that OR decide he didn't want to be this poor victim AND realize that he was just playing a game with himself as the victim here wasn't him.

This is where you are at. I think it takes a special cheater to pull the whole false R on their spouse or partner, especially if it goes on for more than a few weeks. It is a different mindset then the cheater who breaks NC a few times - those that go back and carry on the A, as they were before more or less, after seeing the carnage - after KNOWING they have been caught and actively tries to snowball their spouse not just about what happened but what IS happening?!?!?!?!? That is a special kind of fucked up, and IMO, you are better served getting away from them and letting them try to prove to you they want to change, or show you that in reality they don't.

Right now your WS does NOT want to recognize they are the problem. In your WS's mind, YOU are the problem. You are dismissive. Blaming. Criticizing. Of him - the person who has been actively and purposefully lying to to you even after having been caught and seeing what that has done to you. The fact is you are not perfect. They are not perfect. No one is asking anyone to be perfect. But your WS clearly doesn't see that: 1) his behavior - having an A and the continued lying was the biggest ball of blame, dismissing, criticizing PLUS disrespect, abuse, neglect - you name it, and 2) his A wasn't really just all about him - it effected you, AND 3) if he wants you too stay then he better start helping you in whatever way you need AND work on himself.

That comment above - I head something identical or eerily similar countless times before I left - it never changed while WH thought I was going to stick around. Coincidence? IDK. To this day he claims he decided he didn't want to be that guy anymore in large part because it ruined his work and social life.. Yep, not just because it ruined us - that wasn't enough . His rock bottom was when aside from his immediate family (which he is not close with and really doesn't care much about what they think) everyone - friends and co-workers + me - knew he was this dirtbag who had been having a full blown EA/PA with a married co-worker, who happened to be married to another co-worker who was one of the most well liked people they all worked with. When pretty much everyone in his life that he remotely cared about thought he was an absolute fucking scumbag - that was when he decided that, hey, maybe there was something to that. Me saying it - it wasn't enough.

I would now say to my WH if he were to behave in a similar way: you should thank your lucky stars that all I am is dismissive, blaming and critical, and that I didn't take a freaking torch to your genitals or something instead. But again, that is now.

I know it is hard to hear - and I will admit that when people said similar things to me on this site when I was in your shoes - I tended to ignore them and try to focus on those who said things less damning.

The good news is your WS can change. The bad news is there is zero you can do to make them change. The only thing you can do is look out for yourself - and staying with your WS right now is just putting yourself in front of the firing line, again. You've got to help yourself my friend - you are the only one who can.

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 10:29 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Thanks so much Sacred.

How about calling a moratorium on contact for a set period of time? You can see how that goes, and then reevaluate when that time period expires. Maybe start with three days or a week - whatever feels right.


I guess I feel like this is more limbo. It keeps me locked in this space of waiting and what I feel is frustrated at waiting. Imagine waiting 2.5 YEARS for the damn timeline? Oh my days!!!! I just want to move forward now.


I don't think you're going to get your peace - and he's not going to feel the loss of you - while you're still in contact.

He already feels the loss of me. Endless messages about how he feels like a bit of himself is missing. And anyway, I don't want him to do this because he feels bad and wants to end his own suffering. I want this to come from a positive place of wanting to do it just because it's the right thing.


I was crazy for contact with my H when we were separated. I craved it, even if it wasn't positive. I got sick of myself - and him - and arranged for a nice weekend away. I wanted to spend some time with myself. Alone. No friends. Just me. I booked a nice hotel for a night, went to museums, did some shopping for gourmet snacks, and hung out in my own company. It was magical and I had a huge burst of personal growth. I'll never forget standing in front of the hotel bathroom mirror and looking into my own eyes and crying myself inside out. And I knew that I would be okay. I think you need some of that.

I have to be honest that I have left a few times - gone to my parents, never for more than a few days and I felt this sense of desperation. When I finally took the step of getting my own house a couple of hundred miles away, that kind of went away. I think I had come to accept that I wasn't ever getting what I hoped, and there was nothing to fight for anymore.

I think I will be okay without contact with him. I worry about him though a lot. It's difficult to detach from that.

You said you have a nice little cottage now. How about spending a little time making your space lovely and cozy? Or maybe take a quick trip to the seaside? Treat yourself. And commit to being alone - and quiet - for a little while. You're picking at this situation like a scab, which is totally understandable.

I can't express to you how soothing this is. It's such basic things, but this place feels like it might be where I find myself again.

You remind me so much of myself. smile

I am so sorry!

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 11:01 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

ThisIsSoLonely

I read this today and it just made my blood BOIL for you and for the me. of my past

Oh my God. Thank you. I literally felt myself exhale and my pulse slow reading this. I think a bit of me is just starving for validation and empathy and I am so grateful for it.

My WH was ALL ABOUT the "feeling dismissed and criticized" bullshit.

I wanted to curse too. Honestly, I am the most tranquil person but this makes me rage like nothing I have ever known and I don't want to be like that.

I. Should. Have. Left. Right. Then.

I regret not doing that too. I regret not doing it the very first time he said it or something on those lines, which was basically about 8 weeks after DDay 1 and a week before DDay 2

Why? Because there was NOTHING I was going to be able to do to get him to see that OR decide he didn't want to be this poor victim AND realize that he was just playing a game with himself as the victim here wasn't him.

Amen

This is where you are at. I think it takes a special cheater to pull the whole false R on their spouse or partner, especially if it goes on for more than a few weeks. It is a different mindset then the cheater who breaks NC a few times - those that go back and carry on the A, as they were before more or less, after seeing the carnage - after KNOWING they have been caught and actively tries to snowball their spouse not just about what happened but what IS happening?!?!?!?!? That is a special kind of fucked up, and IMO, you are better served getting away from them and letting them try to prove to you they want to change, or show you that in reality they don't.

In fairness to my exWS this isn't really what he did. He didn't continue the A, he just broke NC a lot of times and he defended the OW and was basically just a completely useless self pitying shit. As I reflect on it though, is that any different from continuing the A? It is still basically the same self absorbed mindset of not caring how much pain they cause.


Right now your WS does NOT want to recognize they are the problem. In your WS's mind, YOU are the problem. You are dismissive. Blaming. Criticizing. Of him - the person who has been actively and purposefully lying to to you even after having been caught and seeing what that has done to you.


I think he knows 100% that he is completely the problem, I that dealing with that is just too hard.

The fact is you are not perfect. They are not perfect. No one is asking anyone to be perfect. But your WS clearly doesn't see that: 1) his behavior - having an A and the continued lying was the biggest ball of blame, dismissing, criticizing PLUS disrespect, abuse, neglect - you name it, and 2) his A wasn't really just all about him - it effected you, AND 3) if he wants you too stay then he better start helping you in whatever way you need AND work on himself.

Totally this.


I would now say to my WH if he were to behave in a similar way: you should thank your lucky stars that all I am is dismissive, blaming and critical, and that I didn't take a freaking torch to your genitals or something instead. But again, that is now.

Yes! I am feeling so relived to hear you say this. I get that feeling completely. Thank you so much for just validating me. I feel like a starving man in the desert on that front.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 12:04 AM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

He already feels the loss of me.

Gently, no, he doesn't. You talked with him for six hours last night. He's still got you on the hook, whether you're physically with him or not. You're receiving his text messages. Are you responding to them? If so, he's still got you. You're feeding him. I strongly, strongly suggest that you cease all contact with him for several days at minimum. You can even tell him something like "I need a break. I'll be blocking your texts, emails, Facebook, etc. for one week (or however long) and will reevaluate then. Please don't try to contact me." And then...do it. Go completely dark on him. You need the break. If you hold out any hope of him making the changes that you require to R, he needs it. Leave him be. Leave him alone. Really alone.

I worry about him though a lot. It's difficult to detach from that.

I get that. I know. But you're not in control (nod to sisoon) and we all know that worrying won't do a thing.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1340   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8808146
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 12:42 AM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

Thank you all for getting me through some of these difficult days. I don't think this whole "no contact blocking" thing is for me - I have never really done that with anybody and it would feel a bit teenage and dramatic for me.

He apologised quite a lot and said he's going to do "the work" and sort out some IC and so on. I said that was great and I hope he does, but for now, I am single and we can see how we are getting on in a while.

I am going to take a big step back now and try and settle myself a bit. I am incredibly grateful again for those helping me through these hard moments.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 12:51 AM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

I don't think this whole "no contact blocking" thing is for me - I have never really done that with anybody and it would feel a bit teenage and dramatic for me.

I think it's "teenage and dramatic" to talk for six hours and then have to take a day off of work because he sent you into a tailspin with his reply. There's a good reason that NC/180/detachment exercises are a big part of the standard SI recommendations for recovery and have been for as long as I've been around. (This is my second SN. I've been here on and off since 2004.) You're not going to find peace with him constantly in your ear.

Why do you want to keep talking to him?

ETA: I reread this and it sounds kinda snarky, but I didn't intent it that way.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 11:27 PM, Saturday, September 16th]

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1340   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 11:20 AM on Sunday, September 17th, 2023

Hey Sacred, I appreciate all the advice, but I also have to behave and choose in ways that feel right for me.

As I've said, I don't block people. I never have. It feels like behaviour that doesn't suit me and doesn't give me personally a benefit.

I'm really capable of deciding what I'm doing and moving ahead with it gently. I don't need to block people to do that.

Blocking also isn't always the best thing to do. If I had blocked him when I left, I'd never have had the timeline and answers I've had. I am incredibly glad I have those and there might be more things I want or need.

As you can guess from 3 years false R, I am very slow to make my choices. That doesn't mean I wasn't sitting there for three years without gradually withdrawing my investment and changing how I felt.

This is just me and who I am. I will always talk to him. I'll always be there if he needs help.

It doesn't mean I'm not healing or making choices correctly for myself. If there's a point I feel that would be right for me, I will do that.

Right now I don't think it would help me.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 6:07 PM on Sunday, September 17th, 2023

I just want peace and quiet. I don't mind not having him there anymore. I don't care about the losses anymore. I just want peace and quiet and for no one to say or do anything which hurts me or makes me need a day off work.

Dis you??

My recommendation was not to block him permanently. It was to block him for a short time so that you can have some uninterrupted time to breathe and think. Like you said you wanted.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1340   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8808292
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 6:23 PM on Sunday, September 17th, 2023

I never did the NC blocking either MCC for similar reasons you described AND because honestly the times I did drove me batshit crazy. I think I focused on him and what he was doing MORE when I was blocking him completely than when I didn't. In hindsight I think it's because I wasn't done trying to "figure him out" - the why and who this person was versus who I thought he was became and overarching theme for me. Sitting there ignoring him felt like a free pass to him - to allowing him to go about doing what he wanted without any thought for me at all if he so chose. I know it's silly to say that outloud as it was clear that was what he was doing before, but I guess "at least" he had to actively deal with me so it f-ed his little world a bit, which again, stupid, but I liked that I could still do that. Like I said, after a year of full blown false R I was not a nice person at times.

I discussed this with my IC a lot (actually for a time I had 2 separate ICs - first because one wasn't available at the times I wanted and then later because I liked having two differing perspectives). A lot of my issues related to control and a lot of them related to wanting to force some accountability for myself. In other words I found that when I cut him off I tended to think of him in a better light and second guess everything I knew to be true. When I was interacting with him it was clear he was exactly who I had discovered him to be - my contact with him made leaving easier for me in my own head. I had seen and experienced enough - I achieved indifference for awhile, and that was because I was witnessing who he was on the daily. When I left temporarily and basically went totally NC with him it was very hard for me - being around him was easier at that point as I was not going to be swayed about who he was. When I did leave he was in IC and had been for awhile and the conversations started about the A again and I could tell things were different with him...had I gone NC that would not have happened, and in light of how things have turned out I think I would regret that. Granted had I left and gone NC and just walked away forever I would have never known.

Again, everyone is different. I wish I had left earlier and left him in the dust. At the same time, IDK if that would have driven me crazy long term. Impossible to know.

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:01 PM on Sunday, September 17th, 2023

A couple of random thoughts....

You remind me so much of myself. smile

I am so sorry!

Why are you sorry? What does that mean?

You're one of us, full-fledged members of the human race. We've all got our quirks, strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes.... You may be a little slow on some things, but you're articulate, courageous, loving, caring ... I'm sure you have done specific things for which apologies are appropriate. I'm equally sure you have no good reason to apologize for who you are.

*****

One of things BSes need to do IMO is look at themselves , see how they sell themselves out, and stop the sellouts.

You say you want peace, but you won't block disturbers of your peace. That doesn't compute for me. DOes it for you? I get that blocking someone doesn't fit the image of who you want to be, but not every body can be comfortable with always turning the other cheek. We have to accept enough crap without turining the other cheek. Is it time to reconsider your approach to blocking?

You moved hours away from your H. I urge you to give yourself permission to block him. Once you have permission, then you can decide whether you want to or not and whether you will or not.

*****

This is a time for re-creating yourself. You get to ask for advice. You get to decide what advice to accept and what to reject. Don't like my advice? Reject it, knowing there won't be any hard feelings or comeback.

This can be your time, MCC. Enjoy exercising your power. Enjoy being yourself. If you really don't like something about yourself, you get to change it now. (That's advice I recommend you accept as strongly as possible - but you're free to reject it even so.)

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30051   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 7:09 PM on Sunday, September 17th, 2023

Thank you.

For me personally, blocking would make me feel less peaceful, not more.

I'm very capable of just saying "I'd rather not discuss this" and that works fine. If that's what I feel I need.

The discussions I had with him (whatever I said) gave me a timeline I'd waited 2.5 years for. Blocking would have denied me that.

These answers, if I want them, provide me with more peace and not less. If I feel that changes I might block but there's really no need to.

Along with that he has serious health problems right now (suspected recent heart attack) and I like a daily check in to know he's okay.

If / when i felt I wanted to stop communicating, I'd simply say "please don't contact me" and he'd respect that if it was what I wanted.

Blocking wouldn't be required.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

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Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 11:27 AM on Monday, September 18th, 2023

Mint, your opening post about your husband describes my wife to a T. She thinks that being nice is "enough", doesn’t really seem to "get it" and just wants to live happily ever after. I have since been pushing the thoughts of telling her we should maybe separate so that she can decide exactly what it is she wants. Her words say she wants me, but her actions scream "I want you so long as I don’t have to deal with or own any of the fallout shit that came about from my shitty choices".
That’s just not the type of person I want to spend what’s left of my life with.

posts: 275   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 3:22 PM on Monday, September 18th, 2023

If / when i felt I wanted to stop communicating, I'd simply say "please don't contact me" and he'd respect that if it was what I wanted.

Blocking wouldn't be required.

Okay, cool. That's good. I think I might be coming at this with some frustration about my IRL friend's H who won't leave her the hell alone. He cheated in January, she divorced him in April, and he's still texting her that he loves her and wants her back and would she be up for a FWB arrangement, even as he continues to sleep around. It's all just gross. And she's still letting him stay at her house when he comes to town, which is frustrating to witness.

Also, again, I wasn't suggesting permanent blocking, just a short time period where you could have a break from even having to think about contact and what his next statement might do to your emotional wellbeing. I get that it might be more stressful for you to do that than to just allow him contact, but it could also be a good exercise for you. Maybe later. Maybe not at all. But I also respect that you have to do what works for you, and that cutting off contact while he's ill isn't practical.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 5:54 PM, Monday, September 18th]

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1340   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8808347
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Dreamdaisy ( member #67729) posted at 3:25 PM on Monday, September 18th, 2023

@mintchocchip,

Another BS here in pretty much the same situation.

WS has done the absolute minimum to help repair the trauma, he also still displays disrespectful behavior in spite of what he did. I also have the problem with his defensiveness etc. I, like yourself, am still sitting on the fence regarding "did I make a mistake in staying"

This community has been an absolute lifeline for me, mostly teaching me different ways of looking at things that we as BS refuse to let ourselves see. We, as moral abiding human beings have a lot of trouble trying to figure out the behavior of others, that has been the greatest thing this forum has taught me.

I have now completely stopped asking "why" as others here have said, we do not need to know why, we cannot control the behavior of others in any way at all, I am not going to waste my time keep reminding BS to make behavior adjustments..that is on him now.

I truly believe the community here, that the way forward is to take care of yourself and see what BS is doing in the cold light of day!

posts: 121   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: Uk
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 4:54 PM on Tuesday, September 19th, 2023

Well, I did promise I would block him if it ever felt necessary or right for me to do that - and today the day came. Unexpected, but this is a pretty horrific update.

So, a big bugbear / source of argument over the last couple of years was that our house was too small and was rented. I am not talking like, a little too small, I am talking too small in the sense a number of my important belongings were in storage and I didn't feel home. Feeling home was *very* important to me following on from all of this as I really needed a sense of basic stability under my feet in order to feel okay.

I am traumatised, it's normal to need that right?

We had been planning to buy our dream home together until the A happened and a lot of the sense of loss and pain I felt surrounding it was based on my dreams, and hopes and so on being derailed. So a huge part of sticking with the R, was that he was saying "I am going to give you this stability and I am fully committed to a shared life" which is what he promised me all the way through.

So the idea was we would temporarily move into this tiny place to look for the house to buy. It was a rental, it was all in his name, and there was no space for anything. No windows in the tiny kitchen (I love to cook) no closet space, no room for people to visit. It was like a holding zone. I felt actively uncomfortable and it really declined my already flailing mental health.

So when we started this process, I was expecting he would live up to the commitment to get the counselling, do the work and so on - as well as in a more practical sense to move ahead with buying the house. He really did none of those things. And here is the problem. He felt he didn't want to buy the house because "we" were unstable as a unit. Which is true we were.

But without a basically sound living space, how do you even begin?

So, we fought a lot about the house. I really needed a proper home, so I said "fine, if you're not ready given the circumstances to commit to buying our house then maybe we can just get a bigger rental". He agreed. And I ended up waiting 18 months and that never materialised.

I mean, more or less every fight the last year was about the damn house. Not even the affair. The damn house.

It was a lot like the counselling and "the work", it just basically never materialised. He was too busy, too sick, or invented money problems which didn't exist and it really hurt me. I felt he was actively preventing me from having a comfortable home in order to keep a foot out of the door.

So anyway, that was ultimately the crux of me actually leaving. I decided I couldn't get better or feel better without a proper home and if he wasn't going to commit to one with me - to hell with him - I was getting one myself. And so I did.

Initially we kind of framed it between us as having a "joint" city apartment and a country cottage and we would split our time between both, but the reality was that one was in his name with most of his stuff and the other was in my name with most of my stuff.

So pretty quickly I realised that he'd ultimately let me down, not shown real commitment or caring for my wellbeing and that was really when I hit the "screw this" frame of mind with it all.

So since I left, you know he's been crying and begging and showing signs of doing "the work"; then yesterday he texts me out of nowhere and says "I am thinking of buying the house". And I was like "WTF????". I said "are you serious? 18 months of all the reasons under the sun we couldn't move and now I left and got my own place all those excuses have disappeared and you're buying the house BY YOURSELF?

He says that he was thinking that he realises he has been too sick, messed up and unstable HIMSELF to give that to me, and he thinks owning a home will give him a sense of stability. He said he is not being selfish, and that if he was thinking of just himself he would buy a small house for one, but he's buying the big one that I wanted because he hopes that what can happen is that he is sorting things out - providing the home, starting to do "the work" and that I will eventually come home.

And at first this sounds kind of sweet.

Then it kind of hits me like a tonne of bricks. He's buying OUR dream home WITHOUT me a month after I left because he wouldn't buy the dream home? Or even agree to a suitable shared living environment???? And something feels off about that (not to mention that it seems to completely not take into account my feelings or what I actually want because I really don't want my dream house to be bought without me)

And a creepy feeling sort of comes over me when I realise what's really going on.

And I suddenly get really, really, really angry, because well - here I am a couple of hundred miles away healing from HIS affair on my damned OWN because after 3 years he has not lifted much of a finger to participate in that, but I am also dealing with serious financial instability because the home I was meant to get with HIM and was promised for nigh on five years, actually evaporated and I had to do this by myself, and now he thinks he is going to get the house without me and give himself all the stability and security that was basically just ripped from me, and when I am done healing from his infidelity on MY OWN that I will magically come back?

Is this like new, nuclear level rug sweeping and entitlement?!!!

and he retorts:

"This kind of anger is exactly why I was hesitant to get a house with you, and this is exactly the type of reaction I can't cope with. I could not find a real home with you until precisely this stopped and there was no guarantee it ever would. You have these rages at me every few weeks and then blame me for not choosing to be trapped in a situation where more of it was guaranteed. I have told you so many times but you just won't accept that you need to change. You continually and repeatedly behave in ways that harm me. I am buying OUR dream home so that we can live in it together, but first we need stability and for this anger to stop".

And there is it. There's the real truth.

All this time I wanted and needed a proper home, as I was promised a thousand times, what he is thinking is that he doesn't want to sign a mortgage (or even a lease) with this lady who is mad at him. So instead of realising:

a) he caused that lady to be mad at him

b) it's his responsibility to take action to help her STOP being mad at him

He decided he doesn't really like that much.

What he's going to do instead is harm this lady enormously, and repeatedly, then do absolutely nothing whatsoever to resolve that then tell her that her REACTION is what's causing the harm to HIM, and that because of that she is no longer worthy of security, commitment or basically her own home.

He actually believes, and has figured out in his mind, that the best thing to do was sort it out so he had MY dream house, and the door was open for me to stay in it - but it would be in HIS name alone. And it sounds an awful lot like his expectation here is that once I had dealt with his infidelity BY MYSELF whilst struggling financially alone - that would sure be a good time to come back.

WTAF?!!!

So he got a reply that said, "I am sorry you felt "trapped" in a home with me. The opportunity to heal what you broke was clearly not something you saw as the gift it was, so let me make things easier for you by taking that gift off the table. You go enjoy our dream house by yourself and all your peace and quiet from the tears and pain you gave me. Don't contact me again. Goodbye".

And then I blocked him.

There have been times through this I felt almost blown to bits by how selfish he was - but to see so nakedly that what was happening here was kind of a shock.

I really regret spending so much of my life loving this person and that's the first time in all this that I really felt that way.

[This message edited by MintChocChip at 5:04 PM, Tuesday, September 19th]

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808466
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 5:16 PM on Tuesday, September 19th, 2023

"This kind of anger is exactly why I was hesitant to get a house with you, and this is exactly the type of reaction I can't cope with. I could not find a real home with you until precisely this stopped and there was no guarantee it ever would. You have these rages at me every few weeks and then blame me for not choosing to be trapped in a situation where more of it was guaranteed. I have told you so many times but you just won't accept that you need to change. You continually and repeatedly behave in ways that harm me. I am buying OUR dream home so that we can live in it together, but first we need stability and for this anger to stop"

My jaw literally dropped when I read that. This was me: shocked What a complete and utter IDIOT. He's buying that house as a form of emotional blackmail. Shut up and be nice and you can have what you've always wanted. Sir, you can F all the way off. He doesn't get it. He doesn't get ANY of it.

MCC, I'm so sorry.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1340   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8808469
Topic is Sleeping.
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