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Just Found Out :
What are the chances?


 KiboGaAru (original poster new member #83847) posted at 6:30 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

Hello everyone,

I just want vent out again and just to share an update on whats going on and maybe just to ask some input and advices and see is there is any similar situation as I have.

As I mentioned into my previous post, found out my husband had an affair 2 months ago. (Affair was 5-6months, emotionally and physically). A ended the next day I found out.

The 1st month right after I found out, I couldnt even describe how horrible I was. Emotions were upside down. Had depression and suicidal thoughts. Lots of arguments and confrontation even though we both want to reconcile. Like we couldnt figure it out what to do.

Fast forward today, we really had the chance to talk one on one, yup!, the very 1st time. And oh boy I can tell you it wasnt easy after all but I am glad we did.

He admitted everything. Like everything. All lay out on the table.

- He said he cared for her and he is developing some feelings to her at that time of the A. and because out of pity as well (because the AP was telling my H how she fell inlove already and she couldnt stop thinking about H and all that shit)

- He said he had fun while they went on a date because he gets to unwind

- He said when they had sex he wasnt really thinking straight and because his body wants to do it he gave in (I dont know if I should believe that though)

- He said i love you, i miss you and all the sweet talk to make her feel better (hmmm? Right? But okay)

- I confronted him about him saying that he said to the AP he could leave me and my children for her but he told me that he just said that because again to make her feel better and all of those were empty words and for him he knew that he couldn't do it

- He knows and he admitted that he made a big mistake and he is willing to do anything to save our relationship and he is willing to improve himself for the better.

- He said it was a mixed of spur of a moment with lust, out of pity, attention and his mind was very clouded and couldnt think straight. Overwhelmed? Work and home and marital issues.

I am not siding him on this one, but him answering all these questions about the affair and not him being irritated and frustated like before is a big step for him to do. He has this toxic trait that he doesnt say what he truly feels so that the person who he is talking to will not get hurt or offended. He rather keep it to himself and will say "okay" even though "it is not okay" but for him on his POV its okay. Does it make sense to you guys? Sorry. I tried. He doesnt know how to really express how he feels I guess? Because trust me when we were talking I have to be so open minded and understanding to truly understand his side properly.

At the end of the conversation, he said that he really regrets what he did and he said he is really sorry. He is asking for a 2nd chance (last chance) to prove himself to be a better husband and father this time.

Now the really question is? Am I willing to give that to him? TBH, I dont know at the moment. I told him let me process and accept everything first which he is okay with it.

I know deep down I do care and love him but I cannot pinpoint or dont know what is the love I have for him.

And because the trust is broken, I dont even know what is the truth or lie on everything he just told me. I can feel his sincerity but I am scared.

Lastly, I did not tell the OBS yet about the A. I have the message I want to send to him but for some reason I couldnt hit that goddamn send button. Ugh!!

Anyone have similar situation?
Any advice? Im so confused. crying

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2023
id 8807505

 KiboGaAru (original poster new member #83847) posted at 6:55 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

If I may add, if by any chance, I am leaning forward to for that 2nd chance, should I still tell the OBS? Just thinking about this I feel bad. I really feel he deserves to know but at the same time Im such a coward and weak because I want to protect my husband & my children. Im scared that if the OBS finds out, he will get back to my husband and I dont really want that. crying

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2023
id 8807509

Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 7:02 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

You need to tell the husband.

If not you will always leave the door open.

Also your husband needs to see consequences for his actions or he will be more likely to reoffend.

While I can never say 100% it’s not very likely he will want to hurt you or your children in any way.

Your husband? Well 99% it won’t be too serious but if your husband took a punch to the face well it would be another consequence to teach him not to ever do it again.

posts: 144   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8807511

AintDatSpecial ( new member #83560) posted at 7:35 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

I told OBS less than an hour after I found out. He had every right to know and I gave zero care to how that would affect either my WH or AP. Actions have consequences. So, yes, in your shoes I would tell OBS with no hesitation.

You’ll see posts around here about actions not words- read them. Words from liars who carried on a double life are meaningless in my eyes. Even when my WH is crying his eyes out to me, his words aren’t hitting me. It’s the actions. Right now, I’m seeing total transparency- I have an iPhone setup with his login and see every text, call, FB message. I can check his phone (and do) whenever I want. I know his whereabouts all the time. He delivered the NC letter I agreed on and blocked AP on everything. He’s been doing counseling, journaling and other coping exercises he’s learned. He’s reading books to work on his trauma. He’s answered all my questions and took a polygraph. It’s very early for me so continued actions and improvements are what I’ll need to see. I set boundaries and he’s respecting them.

As someone who’s pretty new to this like you, my best advice is to really focus on your own healing. I am attending IC, reading books and doing healing exercises, I’m exercising physically every day. In the very beginning, I was terrified to lose him but now? He’s terrified to lose me. I’m taking my time to heal and decide what’s best for me. Right now, I still want to be married and his actions are a bit hopeful but not my primary concern. My concern is knowing that I’ll be ok no matter what. I want to be a healthy person first and foremost..

Me- BW/ Him- WH, both early 40s/ D-day June 2023/ working on healing me

posts: 22   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2023   ·   location: United States
id 8807516

annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:02 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

the OBS of my husband AP found out about the emotional affair and confronted both my WH and his wife. He forgot to send me the memo, a month later his wife met my WH at his hotel.

Please, please inform the OBS. He deserves to know he is living a lie and make the choice for his life.

posts: 11966   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8807519

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 8:16 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

he made a big mistake

No, he didn't make a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. An A takes conscious decisions and making choices to lie, cheat and betray. Saying it's a mistake is minimizing the issue.

Has he read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald? It's a blue print that will help him to help you. Also, I recommend Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. There's a chapter about windows and walls that is very good at describing boundaries.

He needs IC to figure out why he did this and how to become a safe partner for you. He is very selfish. He gets to go on a date so he can unwind? He shouldn't be dating anybody but his wife - you!

He has this toxic trait that he doesnt say what he truly feels so that the person who he is talking to will not get hurt or offended. He rather keep it to himself and will say "okay" even though "it is not okay" but for him on his POV its okay.

This has a lot to unpack because there's a lot that could be behind this. My XWH is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). He does this on purpose, and it's abusive because of the intent behind it. It's also considered gaslighting, or lying at the very simplest.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2676   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8807523

Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 9:16 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

Hi Kibo,
The OBS is in your exact same shoes - being cheated on by his spouse. Affairs, cheating, lying - all have consequences. The consequences are - you don’t get to hide or keep secrets to save your ass, or so people don’t learn about the terrible things you’ve been doing. TELL THE OBS. Give that man the ability to decide for himself what he wants to do about his marriage, about his future. I know you love your husband - but you’re protecting him, why? Your husband made a conscious decision to cheat with a married woman - knowing full well what the consequences would be. Expose this affair. Consequences!!! If your H finds out - tell him that you did it because you’re protecting your marriage. And that under NO circumstances will you be keeping anyone’s dirty little secrets.
You’re two months out from Dday. What he is saying now is a response to getting caught. What is more important for you to do is to watch his actions - not his words. Talk is cheap. Is he backing up what he is saying by his actions? It’s going to take months if not years to see progress. Healing takes time - lots of time and lots of work!! There are no shortcuts. This is a painful process but if you both are serious about reconciliation - especially him! - then you stand a chance.

Me: BS Him: WHDDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3mos, PA 1 month)DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk), Reconciling and doing well

posts: 138   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8807533

CFme923 ( member #82955) posted at 9:50 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

He has this toxic trait that he doesnt say what he truly feels so that the person who he is talking to will not get hurt or offended. He rather keep it to himself and will say "okay" even though "it is not okay" but for him on his POV its okay. Does it make sense to you guys? Sorry. I tried. He doesnt know how to really express how he feels I guess?

He needs to have counseling. My WH is exactly like this. His counselor refers to him as a people pleaser, extremely conflict avoidant ,and noted he struggles to identify the thoughts and emotions he has. (I know all this through talking to him but also discreetly listening in while he is on zoom). He has to really work at not falling back on it and it's a really long road.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023
id 8807537

 KiboGaAru (original poster new member #83847) posted at 10:01 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

Thank you all so much for your messages and support. I really appreciate it.

Yes, he is backing up his words with action so far.

How I wish I knew the name of OBS as soon as I found out, however, it was only few weeks ago that I found out the real name of the AP.
Difficult part was the only way to contact him is through FB msgr and if I will message him, it might not get delivered to him as it will go straight to the "SPAM" folder. I dont know them personally, both AP and OBS. No mutual friends. Nothing. And I guess if ever I will tell the OBS, it will just be my luck if he checks his SPAM folder and reads it.

Still working on convincing my H to go for IC or MC, we are taking it day by day. On the other hand, I am doing IC.
I will process every information that I got today.

Thank you so much again!

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2023
id 8807540

Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 12:47 AM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

Friend him. Then tell him.

Or see if he has some family on there and send it to them.

Look up his name on other social media including linked in.

Don’t play with this.

You are still very early in this. You are in for a long haul of consistent behavior.

99% of cheaters are on their best behavior immediately after Dday.

You are leaving a big back door open.

If you want to save your marriage permanently not just temporarily you need to find him.

She will be back if you don’t.

This is common top 3 advice for a reason. Not just for the greater good or revenge.

Although measured sensible revenge is nice.

Good luck to you.

posts: 144   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8807567

HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 6:30 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

Still working on convincing my H to go for IC or MC, we are taking it day by day.

He should be willing to do anything you ask. What's his plan for making the changes for becoming a safe partner? Where does he even start? Becoming safe and trustworthy is much more than just stopping the affair.

On the other hand, I am doing IC.

That's even more important. At least this way you can keep connected to yourself, to what you want. Added bonus; helps keep you less vulnerable to gaslighting, which is a staple for most WSs who haven't or refuse to work on true healing.

All the best!


posts: 498   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8807650

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:36 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

Well, 12+ years out, and I'm still angry at OBS for not informing me of the A when he learned of it (and accepted it would continue). That did not prevent me from healing when I did find out. But informing OBS is a kindness, and being kind is part of healing.

At 2 months out, most of us are still pretty messed up - conflicting thoughts endlessly running around our brains, feelings shifting from anger to grief to fear to shame and back again, not knowing what one wants.... You'll probably start settling down soon.

As you settle down, my reco is to focus on your healing and on what you want. Your H looks like a potentially good candidate for R, if he really did come clean. That means you have 3 basic options - R, D, or wait to gather more evidence. If you think you may want R, or if you do want R, decide on your requirements, and find out if your WS will agree to meet them. If the WS does agree, R starts, and you monitor performance.

I have little faith in exposing an A as a preventive measure. Exposure may end one A, but in itself, exposure leaves the WS unchanged. The only reasonably sure ways of preventing further betrayal by a WS are 1) the WS changes themself from cheater to good partner and 2) D.

I have even less faith in negative consequences. WSes know they've effed up; if they didn't know, they wouldn't hide it or feel shame or fear of exposure, etc., etc., etc. Besides, fear of negative consequences simply isn't a good basis for R, IMO. To R, a WS needs courage to look inside and see the dysfunction clearly. R requires honesty - telling the truth even if that means resolving real consequences, accepting responsibility for cheating, etc.

For R to go well, both partners need to want R. Wanting to avoid negative consequences isn't anywhere near enough.

I understand wanting to punish one's WS. Don't let that desire drive you. Another reco: respond to your WS's infidelity in ways that get you what you really want. Punishing your WS won't diminish your pain.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:38 PM, Wednesday, September 13th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29032   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8807651

 KiboGaAru (original poster new member #83847) posted at 7:39 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Thank you again for all the messages and advice.

I ended up sending my message to the OBS via FB msgr and it is already the 3rd day but he hasn't seen the message yet. I am pretty sure it went to his "Message Request" or "SPAM". Anyway, will see if he will ever sees it. I dont have anymore control whether he will see it or not. But trust me how I wish I can call him right at this moment and just tell him.
And with all due respect, I am not really comfortable involving other people (OBS's friends or family) on this. I know some might not agree on me on this.

I do not have Linkendln? Is it?

And TBH, I'm just tired. I am already tired physically, mentally and emotionally and I really salute all you guys for being strong and overcome all of this. I know for sure it wasn't easy at all but at this point, I am just really tired. Constant thinking.. thinking and thinking and crying and crying...

FUCK ALL OF THIS!!!!! sad crying

I asked my husband to move out for now while I try to process all of this.

I think I just have to focus on my children and their well-being including myself starting today at least for now. I have been too focused on the affair itself. I don't know myself anymore. I'm tired. I am really fucking tired. crying I dont know what to say anymore.

I just want to cry to all of you guys and hug all of you because I know you guys know exactly what I am going through and just knowing you guys are there are enough for me. crying crying crying crying

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2023
id 8808096

Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 7:57 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Hang in there girl, there’s more rough water ahead but you are strong and taking control, my hats off to you. I’m 2-1/2 years post DDay, my wife has been a rug sweeper and still acts selfishly. I want things to work with us but I initially did the pick me dance and here I am this far out and I average about 3-4 hours of sleep each night. I cried A LOT the first two months, but now I just mostly think about what I don’t know. I wonder why I don’t matter enough for her to take the bull by the horns and do the work to show that I matter enough. It sounds like your husband is at least showing remorse and displaying some actions toward being a better person. So that in itself is a positive, even if only on the surface. I’m proud of you that you took command, I wish I’d have done that. You are much stronger than you know. You’ll be ok, we are all here to support you.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 7:59 PM, Friday, September 15th]

Me: BS 56
Her: WW 50
A 8-20?-4-1-21 (April Fools Day)
Attempting recovery me-90%~her 10%
Married 25 years

posts: 106   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Ohio
id 8808108

 KiboGaAru (original poster new member #83847) posted at 4:10 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Thank you copingmybest for your message.

I truly understand when you said about the rugsweep. H was also like that at first.

Hang in there. I wish you nothing but the best.

Love yourself and know your worth.
Stay healthy as much as you can.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2023
id 8808588

 KiboGaAru (original poster new member #83847) posted at 4:24 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023


I finally had the chance to inform the OBS.

Informed him about the affair and gave him all the proofs that I have.

He intially wanted to meet up (the 4 of us) but told him that there is no point meeting with each other. Because to be honest, I dont know what I can do with his wife if I see her right now and the only purpose that I have is to let him know the truth because he deserve to know. He did not reply after that.

As for me and my H, we are still trying to work things out.
He still doesnt want to go for MC and yet he was saying that he will do everything for us to save our relationship.

How do you guys go from here?
You know the whole picture of the affair.
Told OBS. (Deal with your wife, ill deal with my H)
Affair ended. No contact or anything.
Still on the process of accepting and healing..

Now what? I feel like this is the hardest part now. Constantly working yourself to rebuild that trust and relationship and yet there are times that youll have panic attacks or something that triggers you and then youll be back to the starting point.

I think its true that you will never forget the pain, you just have to learn how to live with it. crying

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2023
id 8808592

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:59 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Now what? I feel like this is the hardest part now. Constantly working yourself to rebuild that trust and relationship

No..HE works to rebuild trust. Your job is to take care of yourself, and watch his actions. Forget his words. He's proven his words mean nothing. His actions will show you all you need to know. He needs to be working on himself,so he can become a safe person, a safe partner. He needs to dig deep,to figure out why he cheated. IC can help with that. It's too soon for MC. The marriage didn't cheat,you didn't cheat. He did. MC should come later.

However...he's saying he will do anything,but dismissing your requirements. So you need to 180. Stop being his wife. Treat him like an annoying roommate. No small talk. If he comes into the room, you leave. Don't talk about the affair, or what he's doing,or not doing. No sex. No cooking for him,or doing his laundry. Detach. Work on yourself. You will have to detach in order to heal,if you choose to stay with him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:01 PM, Wednesday, September 20th]

I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you..
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you

posts: 5872   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8808601
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