SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WhatsRight, thank you for sharing your powerful story. You Ma'am are a survivor, even more than that, an overcomer.

Where I differ from your take about love is that I believe warning my kids about the catastrophic consequences of marital betrayal is a form of love. If, in tbe moment of temptation ans weakness, they even have a fleeting remembrance of my steely eyed discussion with them that would give them cause to pause. To stop and take stock at what they are risking losing (marriage, family, their inheritance, etc) and hopefully course correct, would make this stance of mine worth it.

The other thing I would say is that though my love is not conditional, the expectations of relationship, even familial ones, and all of life for that matter, are not. Actions have consequences. "Love" is not license to allow selfish and immoral indulgence at the expense of all else.

Honestly, this phrase:

It has been 17 years since my husbands infidelity. It has changed my life forever. It was hell on earth. I don’t have to tell all of you are the depth of the hurt and pain.

May not have had the effect you you intended. When I read that (so sorry you went through that hell), I felt a steely resolve to leave the warning in place. I will discuss with my wife of course but that was my reaction. Again, this is not formally in the verbiage of the trust, it is verbal at this time meaning it would only be enacted if I or my wife were still alive to make that change.

As you can tell by now, my hatred of marital betrayal and the destruction it causes is visceral. One may even say that it is one of the greatest threats to the nuclear family that exists and it seems to be on the rise.

One kast thing I woukd say is that my kids are not owed an inheritance. They were well provided for whike growing up and had a loving home with supportive parents. We did our best to raise them to be loving, responsible adukts with all of the character traits that go along with it. We've made it very clear that theyvare nit owed anything beyond that and if they received an inheritance it would be a final gift to them from us. That said, there are other character stipulations in the trust already so why should this be any different?

These are my thoughts to date. As you csn see I am seriously grappling with it all.

Again, thank you for sharing your story. It was very impactful to read.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:52 PM, Friday, September 15th]

Good Lord, I went from double posting to no post.

It was a long one, so I’ll just try to briefly summarize…

If you are asking for opinions about what others would do with inheritance regarding kids messing up and being unfaithful to their partners, I can only state what I personally feel and what I would personally do.

I am 17 years post infidelity of my FWH, and like with everybody, it has been total hell. But I believe that a marriage relationship is different than a relationship with your children. Maybe a marriage fails, but not our relationship with our kids.

As horrible as infidelity has been for all of us, I don’t consider anything being an unforgivable "sin". It may be "dealbreaker" for a marriage, but in my opinion, NOTHING breaks the relationship between a parent and child.

And I don’t personally look upon inheritance as a reward for a life well lived. Two of my three sons have been unfaithful to their girlfriends. I was horrified, heartbroken, etc. I was on their girlfriends’ sides in that matter.

They are both horrified at their own behavior. Nothing will change that they made that choice, but also, nothing will change my love for them and my desire to be of financial assistance for them when I’m gone.

I hope that whatever I can leave behind will help them to have shelter over their head, but I don’t want to elevate money to a position of such importance to be withheld from them after I’m gone.

I hope you’ll come to a decision that you feel comfortable with. Good luck to you.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 1:08 PM, Friday, September 15th]

I believe warning my kids about the catastrophic consequences of marital betrayal is a form of love.

TOTALLY agree!

And I TOTALLY agree that infidelity is the biggest threat to the family institution.

In fact, I get your every point.

It is absolutely right and good that you go with your gut on this one.

I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t believe that there is a "wrong" answer to this.

Admittedly, I can be a bit if a hard ass and am probably more so on this subject after I lost my friend.

You know, I don’t believe I even mentioned it… But I’m so very sorry for your loss.

OP: When my father cheated his mother supported my mother (her DIL) through the whole thing. She herself had been cheated on and left by my grandfather and so she was sickened by her son’s behavior. She had money, payed for our colleges and vacations during our growing up years. She was the matriarch of sorts. Her views were clear and may have been one factor in keeping our family together. I agree there are no right answers. In our case she became and remained my hero for life. For saving my sense of safety at a time when I was too young to create that safety myself. She was the grown up in the room. I have made clear to my kids, and my brother as well, that infidelity would cause me to take their spouse’s side most likely. The statement has the fact that it is the truth to recommend it. I am now estranged from my father, I can no longer stomach what he did now that I know how deep is the injury (now that its happened to me to). Rather than make amends my father chose to tell me it was all my mother’s fault because she was too cold. I don’t want to be alone in a room with him anymore. I hope you do what feels right to you.

Whatever you decide, make sure your kids know that the inheritance should NOT go into a joint account of any kind. If it goes into a joint account it becomes marital property. Split upon divorce.