SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I appreciate it everyone, I guess what would a good list of boundaries look like?

Based on what I have provided, what do I provide her as my boundaries? What are my expectations for her if we are to continue or attempt to repair?

She thinks that the picture recently was a lapse in judgement, and that it didn't go to anyone. She said she doesn't talk to AP so what else do I want changed, she said she would remove him from FB.

what my course of action moving forward I guess?

A base, non-negotiable of boundaries would be:
1. Total transparency of all modes of communication (e.g. telephone, emails, social media pages, etc). You can check them whenever you want, and all passwords are to be handed over to you.

Other boundaries can be tailored to each situation, but the one above is the fundamental one. This is because it will expose how much the WS wants the relationship, as it is all about them rebuilding your trust of them. The WS is willing to be vulnerable, and is not controlling/manipulating the outcome.

As it is, your WW is justifying her keeping her A going (as long as there is any type of contact with the AP, the A is ongoing). She gives 'reasons' (aka excuses) and you look like you accept them.

Part of the process is that the BS lets the WS know the rules, and the BS starts walking away. If the WS wants to stay in the BS life, they will accept the rules willingly and adapt their own lives accordingly.

The BS keeps walking. Don't be like Orpheus on his way out of Hades.

If the WS wants to be with the BS, they will follow, and eventually catch up and walk beside the BS.

When the WS catches up and walks beside the BS, it will be a sign of a successful R. If not, well.... just keep walking out of Infidelity and into a new life.

Sometimes it takes longer for the WS to catch up, sometimes the WS catches up really fast, some WS don't catch up, and some don't even try. How do you ascertain what the correct amount of time is? By watching (not listening) to what the WS does.

The journey will expose what the WS really wants. If the WS really wants R, they will invest an incredible amount of effort into the relationship. If they are not willing to put in any work, then the relationship is doomed to fail.

One more thing.

How does your WW view a chance at R? Does she view it as a gift, or an entitlement, or does not care for it at all?

The difference would be in the behaviour of the WS.

When the WS views the chance at R is a gift, then they will move mountains to regain the trust and respect of the BS.

If they view it as an entitlement, then it is as good as them not caring for R at all.

1. Total transparency of all modes of communication (e.g. telephone, emails, social media pages, etc). You can check them whenever you want, and all passwords are to be handed over to you.

I talked with my wife last night and explained that I need to set boundaries for what I am okay with, I stated what you said basically complete openness, I already have access to all email accounts, social media, location, and cell phones. She said that I could look at them whenever I want she would just prefer that I be honest, meaning if I feel the need to look into her stuff behind her back be up front about it and just say that's what I need and will be doing, obviously in the past I had told her I wasn't looking thru her stuff (lying I know, not great here) but I was trying to make myself feel better without her knowing. She suggested that if I feel upset, insecure or need reassurance, to just come to her and say I would like to look thru your devices, that way its an honest communication and she will gladly let me.

I did state that I don't like AP being friends on FB, she stated she understands that and has no problem removing him. She stated that when we initially talked about it before I didn't tell her to, which I guess bearing my memory might be right. She did state she thought it wasn't technically necessary because I have access to everything anyway, but she would gladly delete and block him, she said she doesn't even care about FB and would delete her whole FB too, if it made me feel better.

As for talking with AP, she said she doesn't ever talk to him, she said he also has a different job so even in the winter they wont be having any communication, previous in winter being the busy season for them sometimes he would need to give her information about something and vice verse, not anymore.

She genuinely seemed to care when we talked last night and I was more stern and demanding of my needs, and I explained things more intelligently thanks to many of you. She seemed like the R means something to her, she said that she hates herself for what she did because that's not her or something she would do, she is upset that she has made me feel the way I do, and she's upset that it isn't completely better because she wants me to feel better, she said she is willing to do anything that I need to feel better.

She did explain to me more of the things specific to our marriage that made our marriage less than ideal prior to everything, I did explain to her that no excuse is a cause for emotional cheating, which she agreed. But she wanted me to be aware of the things that made our marriage suffer. This includes not being supportive when she lost her job, not being supportive when she had post partum depression, not being supportive when her father passed, etc. The basis of it was that I didn't support, love, and pick her up when she was at rock bottom. Which I can understand without giving you all specifics I might not have been a great husband, and we did argue and fight over it for years. I get where that could be exhausting on her end, still no reason to emotional cheat when you should have just left me. She said at the time the reason she didn't leave was because of the kids, she didn't want to put them thru hell.

I get some of the stuff with the kids because I equally care about the kids above all else. I don't want them to suffer from anything either.

Overall, I felt the talk last night was semi productive, and she genuinely seemed to care, and said she wants to rebuild my trust, and wants this marriage to work. Does this all sound alright or am I missing anything inbetween?

[This message edited by Rebuildingisnteasy at 4:41 PM, Wednesday, September 13th]

It sounds like a healthy conversation and progress to me. Has she read Not Just Friends?

Yeah it seems like it was, and no I don't believe she has read that book

She said at the time the reason she didn't leave was because of the kids, she didn't want to put them thru hell.

Your wife is still full of shit even if things are promising. She wants the kids to grow up with a cheating mother instead of one with a backbone? Well no, she is full of sit like every other cake eater. She wanted to keep her home life and have an exciting affair.

This plus saying "that wasn't me" and subtly blamed you by bringing up her grievances. Not saying you don't have M problems. Saying they are distinct from her choice to cheat. A choice she doesn't own yet.