fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 4:12 PM on Saturday, August 26th, 2023
Contact will be made to the AP wife. I have my statement written already. I have statements for family and friends as well. Just waiting either for a major piece to fall into place or after advice from my therapist on Monday. I am in pain but with lots of anger and resentment. I am not a willing cuck in this atrocious relationship. D-Day is coming very soon. Need to prepare for help with the kids on days I have to work in the office if it comes too that. Tired of the lack of passion or true intimacy. I have so much love and affection to give, but maybe that should be for someone who won't belittle me and love me for the reserved but moral person that I am. I am getting stronger but fear and doubt are still creeping in my mind.
Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 8:39 PM on Saturday, August 26th, 2023
I’m sorry fsk,
You deserve better. You truly do.
You’re worthy of a relationship with someone who values you, who respects you, who is loyal to you. It’s mind numbing to me that someone could so blatantly flaunt this EA (maybe already a PA?) right under your nose. The FASTEST way to end an affair is to shine a huge spotlight on it - and to do that is to blow up their world. TELL the OBS, tell your family what your wife is doing. You do not need to keep anyone’s secret. I know I didn’t - as soon as I knew who my WH’s AP was, I outed them to everyone. It’s NOT your shame, not your fault; cheaters do not deserve privacy, discretion when they are actively hurting so many people - the BS’s, kids, extended family, a job, coworkers. Blow their world up. When I did that, I know my WH knew I was not fucking around. Cheat on me and I will fuck your whole world up. That’s my mantra now. Let that be yours too!! You are a good man who deserves a wife who is trustworthy, loyal, who loves you unconditionally. Take care of yourself. Wishing you the best.
Me: BS Him: WHDDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3mos, PA 1 month)DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk), Reconciling and doing well
fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 9:59 PM on Saturday, August 26th, 2023
I do have 4 screen shots of text between them from about a month ago when she didn't know about her pics auto downloading to the cloud. She hasn't done that since and like no pics have transferred over since I let the cutout of the bag by not being rational during a previous conversation. I'd like to ask one if the other golfers about things, but don't want that to get back to my WW.
FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 7:31 AM on Monday, August 28th, 2023
SI is a place that can assist and encourage you as you seek to get out of infidelity.
So when you feel that
I am getting stronger but fear and doubt are still creeping in my mind
then be assured that we are here to encourage and support you as you gain the strength and insight to make plans and act on them.
Many BS find it empowering when they inform the OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse).
So have you been able or willing to make contact with the AP wife yet?
Hang in there,
sadincolorado ( member #83567) posted at 11:42 AM on Monday, August 28th, 2023
I am in a very similar position to you. Gathering quietly for about a month. Stay strong and keep gathering evidence. I have not been as careful as you and I admire your resolve. Do not let her see that you are gathering evidence. I know it is hard to stay composed but you have to. I think exposing the affair will put a damper on it if not end it. But you deserve much better than this. My WH sneaks around, I would D him immediately and blow up the AP life if it was as open as your situation. Good luck with your D day.
DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 12:41 PM on Monday, August 28th, 2023
I am so sorry you are facing this brutal betrayal. You wife is a traitor to your marriage and family and you need to hear those words. Shes now to the point of flaunting it.
Youve been give tremendous tactical input already. I want to recommend bolstering your fortitude and esteem. Pleae read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and "The Way of The Superior Man" immediately. Enact the 180 asap and grey rock her. She knows exactly what shes doing.
Write down your plan of action and work the plan. I would expose this to the OBS and all else who matter to her. Dont do any of this thinking "Maybe this will reach her". Nope. Do it to protect yourself and your kids. As I said, shes a cake eating traitor.
Keep updating as you are able.
[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:44 PM, Monday, August 28th]
"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"
asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 3:53 PM on Thursday, August 31st, 2023
I hope your therapy session was helpful. Sounds like you’re finding some footing. Hope things are going well.
I make edits, words is hard
fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 2:10 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023
At this point, I took some time away from here. In the last 3 weeks, things are OK I guess. I did read her journal and confronted her on that. She is still here, but I'm mostly confident that she'll file for D which at this point, will be a welcome relief. I have been going to my own counseling and MC. I also am on medication now that has helped quite a bit. I feel better and my anxiety levels are down quite a bit. I'm feeling more confident and am focusing on myself and kids more than the marriage. I've swung from desperation to save the marriage to accepting that maybe it would be for the best of we D. I feel it would be better if she initiated the D as I feel like I would have the upper hand if things came down to it. I'm collecting data that I can. No more looking through her journal as she has a locking one now but I don't care. She has awoken me to being a different person for myself. I'm down 20 lbs since I first found out and working on being in better physical shape, so I can throw that back in her face and maybe find someone down the road who will treat me nicer and not belittle me. I hope that she will find that the grass isn't greener on the other side and will have major regrets that I'm more than a financial safety net for her. Once she's gone, I'll never go back! I deserve better if she leaves. I look forward to the new me.
Tren0R201 ( member #39633) posted at 2:59 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023
So if she never files, you'll still be there watching as she heads out to see her boyfriend?
fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 3:06 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023
No, I will eventually will file especially if she refuses to cut off all ties to him. I think it's inevitable that she will since she's "grown" so much while I haven't. I don't see a viable path forward together at time. A miracle could happen, but I doubt it. Going to focus on me so that's most important.
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:04 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023
If you file first, you generally can direct the cadence better. If you can go for an uncontested D or go through mediation, that can save you some on lawyer's fees.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 5:38 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023
A miracle could happen, but I doubt it.
Have you informed the OBS yet? If not I would and file. You shouldn’t do so expecting a miracle, but I can guarantee that none will occur if you allow her to continue make all decisions on her timeline. Disruption is your friend.
I make edits, words is hard
fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 7:11 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023
The hope is uncontested. We will see. I want some things to happen first and document some other things to cover myself. I have not said anything yet to OBS. I have it written what I would say. Want my ducks in a row as a shit storm will come my way. I have also outlined what I would say to her friend as well to let him know that he is partly responsible for the breaking up of my marriage and destruction of his with this and previous cheating.
Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 7:51 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023
You are making a consistent and huge mistake. Today if possible file for divorce. If not today tomorrow. You are letting fear guide your behavior. You may try to deny but you are letting your wife carry on with another man while you let it continue.
This is what you do:
Inform the other BS. Today
Inform wife of decision to divorce. Today
Contact lawyer. By tomorrow
Separate your lives as much as possible.
Develop a budget for both of you. This week
All of these items are action oriented and involve divorce. You need to get your wife’s attention and what you’ve done to date has failed. This may fail but then you know you have lost her. Or she’s lost you. Point being to get her respect for you you have to be decisive. From reading your posts you have not been. This is not a criticism. This is hard to do. This is my opinion. It has worked often for others and for myself.
annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:42 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023
I agree, you are making a huge mistake waiting for her to file.
You need to file first, I believe it will be to your advantage.
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:50 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023
She will not file. I'll put $100 on it.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 10:13 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023
She will not file. I'll put $100 on it.
Yeah, I agree. She could have filed at any point in the last three years. She didn t. She gets off on being able to control you and soon as she files for a D. . .She loses any control on what you do. Honestly, I think you should file and inform OBS. She will not like those things, but you will respect yourself. That part is the most important thing BTW. Keep your self respect intact by giving yourself permission to advocate for yourself. Don't always passively agree. You are being manipulated and she expects you will act the same as you did in the past. Don't.
Does she accuse you of cheating?
Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.
Bring it, life. I am ready for you.
fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 11:01 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023
She has not accused me of cheating as I hadn't. I had an obsession with porn for a while that I have quit cold turkey because of the harm it causes all. It was just watching and no interaction with anyone. It brings me great shame that I will atone for for a long time. I would never cheat on her or anyone because of my religious beliefs.
[This message edited by fsk071823 at 11:57 PM, Thursday, September 21st]
longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 11:22 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023
What kind of pictures is she sending, although any is not appropriate. Do you still have then? What did the journal tell you? Could be good info in a D complaint.
Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 11:53 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023
Fsk, the time is now. NOW. Take action. Man I hurt for you. It’s actually triggering for me and it has been so long ago. Find you anger. The person that you would die for is stabbing you in the back and twisting. While she is fu*cling another man. Action. Now.