fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 4:28 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023
I found out last month that my wife had been having an emotional affair (at the very least) with a person in her golf league. She has said that she has been unhappy for over 3 years. I have faults and have dealt with issues of my own (haven't cheated on her). I know I have caused some of her unhappiness in our marriage but not all of it. She says she wasn't looking for this but has found him. I am reviewing my life and taking positive steps for me. She continues to see him every weekand I feel she's growing more attached to him. He is married and has cheated on his wife before but hasn't left her. I am shocked with my wife as I know she is lying to me on things. Her sister was cheated on multiple times by her now ex and my wife hates that guy with a passion. Yet, she in many ways is doing the same things as him. She wants to join a fall golf league and I'm positive he'll be in that. He also has a golf simulator at his home and wants to invite others from their group over from time to time. I want to trust my wife, but I can't. I feel she will eventually leave me and try to be with him (or be alone). We are in MC but not sure that will help (we are also in individual therapy). At what point do I anonymously reach out to his wife about things? I had been spying on her phone texts sent (not actual messages) and also pics she's been taking and possibly sending. I am prepared to be single, but would still like to reconcile. I would love some advice.
5Decades ( new member #83504) posted at 5:04 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023
Look at her messages, and take screenshots. Send them to yourself because she will try to cover them up.
She is not entitled to secrecy. "Privacy" is what you get when you’re in the bathroom doing self-care. "Secrecy" is hiding an affair, and she’s not entitled to that.
Don’t anonymously inform his wife. Be open about it. She deserves to know the truth of her life, as much as you do. Her husband blew up his marriage and your marriage, and your wife also did the same. They are not entitled to protection from the consequences of their actions. His wife is entitled to know, because she is being hurt by all of this - and is probably trying to figure out what the hell is happening to her marriage.
If she gets an anonymous letter or email, she may attribute it to someone else, or he will try to gaslight her about it. Be brave, and help her.
If she chooses not to believe you, so be it. Do the right thing anyway.
Read "Not Jus Friends" by Shirley Glass. It helps explain a lot. There are also lots of resources on this site in the Healing Library.
Your wife is following the cheater’s playbook by blaming you, telling you that she’s unhappy, yadda yadda. Okay, fine. She didn’t have to cheat - she CHOSE to betray you, every step of the way.
Since she won’t stop seeing him, you should consider seeing an attorney, filing for divorce, and telling her that this will happen unless she immediately stops all contact, enters into counseling, and begins steps toward telling you 100% of the truth.
Demand a written timeline of the affair, a no contact message to the AP that you see BEFORE it is sent, for starters. And full access to her phone, and all devices, including all passwords to all accounts.
If she balks, tell her to find somewhere else to stay - now.
5Decades ( new member #83504) posted at 5:04 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023
Sorry duplicate post
[This message edited by 5Decades at 5:05 PM, Friday, August 25th]
fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 5:20 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023
What are thoughts on reading her journal? No locks in it and at times has been in a public space. Other times, in her night stand. Full disclosure, I had issues with porn (watching for entertainment and to learn things not to interact with others) that I am overcoming as it has scarred my soul and breaking free of that darkness. We've had 3 marital counseling sessions already and hasn't touched the recommended book which I'm about done with.
Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 5:58 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023
I have never seen a BS regretting reading their WS dairy. You are not invading her privacy on a mere suspicion or without a valid reason or valid case. If her dairy will give you enough evidence then go for it. You won't regret it.
Collect evidence and inform OBS about the affair. As long as this man is in her life this nightmare will gets worse.
Tren0R201 ( member #39633) posted at 6:30 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023
So you're allowing your wife to actively date another man, then come home to you then go for marriage counselling?
Can you see how she might not be so motivated to make a go of it? Why should she? She gets to cheat and keep her life relatively unscathed.
Death by slow cuts doesn't really seem appealing.
Why are you allowing this and at what point is enough enough? Curious
fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 6:47 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023
Unfortunately, I'm a man with low self esteem. For the longest time, I feared that I would lose her by giving an ultimatum. Lately, I've had a lot of thoughts and conquering my fears and anxiety for me. We have 3 kids 10 and under and it would be difficult for them.l as well. I fully see how she's got it made right now. She just started a PT job after being out of the workforce for so long too. I recently said to her that I was going to accept what she was saying is true in hopes to convince her but also build that guilt inside her. I know she's struggling as I can tell on her short temper and not sleeping as well. It's not all sunshine and rainbows for her. She is enjoying some aspects, there are others she definitely is not. My therapist is helping me with my fears/anxiety so I plan on progress. If I go with the ultimatum, I want more evidence so I can bring it out to push her one way or another. This situation has caused so much grief for me, but I am turning the corner as I feel momentum is on my side. I'm too much of a nice guy that's gotten steamroller on this marriage but looking to shift that.
survrus ( member #67698) posted at 7:13 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023
Wow this golf simulator is a female stimulator, sorta like owing an expensive 2 seater sports car, but for golf people.
If this golf habit just started you can be fairly certain the OM got her into it, like a drug dealer.
Save all your evidence and bust this OM to high heaven exposure, exposure and exposure.
Don't threaten this exposure to your WW or OM let it come on him like an avalanche.
[This message edited by survrus at 7:28 PM, Friday, August 25th]
fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 7:27 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023
She's been a golfer since she was a kid so this is not something new. He's part of a group of 4 who normally golf and hang out afterwards. I sometimes blame myself for saying that she should join a golf league to make friends as she's normally not one to do that. I also say to myself, you couldn't have predicted this. I plan on collecting everything I can legally. I know she'll shift blame to me, but with your help that I've seen from posts, I'll be prepared to give that ultimatum. Plus discussion with my therapist I think will help me guide my process. He advised to trust the process which I am now. She's looking for a commitment from him or will be looking to be on her own. He hasn't left his wife and teenage daughter. We have other issues that I've been working on which is what she said previously. My focus on the other guy was the symptom, not the problem... She's got a lot of trauma in her history which she is dealing with and is a good at arguing her points, which I'm not. I made that lifetime commitment to her. I never thought we'd be in this situation. I guess nice guys who aren't that exciting finish last.
annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:09 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023
Hi, so sorry you find yourself here.
YES. Tell his wife. How do you know he's cheated before? His wife deserves to know she is living a lie. Whatever you do, DO NOT tell your wife you are going to do this. Contact his wife and be as kind as possible and provide her with the evidence you have.
Gently, your wife, like all cheaters, is a liar. She's having an affair right under your nose, one of the main reasons members join this site is to get OUT of infidelity. Right now you are smack in the middle of it.
Once you inform the man's wife, he may dump her in a nano second. I'd make that priority number 1. Also meet with an attorney to know your rights.
You have every right to snoop in her diary, her emails, her phone records, social media, and where ever else you might find evidence.
Your wife is married and dating. You can stop it NOW, please don't allow the disrespect she is showing you.
Dump MC as well. It's pointless.
fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 9:50 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023
I asked my wife and she said that he admitted to my wife that he's cheated before. Whether she knows that or not, I don't know. I'm still blown away that she still is entertaining this relationship based on her past feelings of infidelity. At this point, I don't know who she is anymore. I may wait on ultimatum until after my personal counseling appointment on Monday. It's going to be an anxiety filled couple of days. Nothing new. Lost about 15-20 lbs the last couple of months. Partly due to this and partly due to trying to diet. Want to shed the dad bod and make her regret all of this (and do that for me as well).
asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 10:08 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023
At what point do I anonymously reach out to his wife about things?
Now. And don’t bother with the anonymity. It’s about 95% that Other Man isn’t looking to ride off into the sunset with your Wayward wife. He wants an easy lay. When what he thought was going to be a no strings attached romp becomes a lose half his shit and go 50/50 with the kids situation he’ll throw your WW under the bus. That should be educational for her.
What are thoughts on reading her journal?
You have the right to know the truth of your marriage.
If you haven’t yet, check out the healing library here. Pay particular attention to the simplified 180. Employing it is more than valid as long as she is active in her affair. Stop with any form of the pick me dance. The only prize for "winning" that demeaning contest is an unremorseful cheater.
I make edits, words is hard
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:36 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023
When distance isn't a factor, affairs are physical.
Married men don't get involved with a married woman, to send sweet texts. They're in it for the sex.
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you..
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 11:55 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023
She is cheating, actively, in front of you. You are sharing your wife with her boyfriend in the golf league.
I might be a bit blunt here, but she isn't choosing between the two of you. She is choosing both. She will have you at home and her exciting golf fuck buddy. She can continue to blame you for being a jerk while taking advantage of the stability you provide.
MC is too soon. She is a liar and MC only works with honest dealers.
"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.
If you think the second one is "too heavy handed" for "just an emotional affair" you are wrong. My wife only had an EA, it took one year for me to get fed up with her half-assed shit and ask for a divorce. I call her a "former" wayward wife now and we are in R (reconciliation).
[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 11:55 PM, Friday, August 25th]
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
5Decades ( new member #83504) posted at 12:03 AM on Saturday, August 26th, 2023
Harsh reality here.
They are already having regular physical contact. This is likely already beyond an EA. She has told you she knows he cheated before, and she is fine with that.
This man is after sex. Your wife knows that.
Give her the ultimatum to go no contact now, or leave.
Do not wait. And call the man’s wife.
Either fight for your marriage, or stand back and watch her leave it as you worry she "might".
fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 2:29 AM on Saturday, August 26th, 2023
At this point, I think I need to talk with an attorney. Latest example is tonight. At a birthday party for my niece. Every couple of minutes, look over and she's on her phone. I've been yelled at for less than that at her family functions. They were texting back and forth. Her excuse was that she was tired and peopled out for her job earlier. She was on her phone to stay awake. Give me a break. Want more before ultimatum.
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:56 AM on Saturday, August 26th, 2023
Your wife is acting like a typical cheater.
The audacity of flaunting her affair in front of you at a family event 😡😡!
My H used to sit in the driveway and talk on the phone, pretending it was a client. I guess he thought I was stupid and couldn’t figure it out.
At this point IMO the affair has become like an addiction to your wife. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself and she will justify her behavior in any way she can.
I lived in your shoes for 6 months, including false reconciliation. I was working my butt off and my H was still cheating.
Dday2 was the turning point. I told him I was Divorcing him and we were finished! He never thought I would throw him out either.
My heart breaks for you standing around watching this affair. Your wife can say "it’s nothing" all she wants. She’s lying to you and herself.
You may not stop the affair BUT you don’t have to live like this. At least read up on the 180 and start taking some steps forward to stop yourself from being victimized.
Stop doing errands for her.
Stop paying her credit card bills.
Start putting your money in a separate account.
Take your kids and do things without her.
Don’t invite her to any family events due to her behavior at the last one.
Don’t cook her dinner or go grocery shopping for her.
Kick her out of your bedroom.
Don’t pay her car insurance or hair salon bills etc.
Take back your power.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 11:56 AM on Saturday, August 26th, 2023
Brother, I have had low self esteem as well. It is good that you are getting help from a professional.
Time to be positive using a slang term ‘take a spoon of cement and harden up’s.
She will blame shift rewriting the past to support her actions. Inform the OBS when you confront. Anticipation is the keep, your WW will throw shit in your face, porn, drinking, etc. Be ready keep Mr Anger in check breath before you speak as once said aloud, it can’t be unheard. If you have her texts them that is a big help for you. Focus is the keep. Good luck and take no shit.
One day at a time.
fsk071823 (original poster new member #83792) posted at 1:20 PM on Saturday, August 26th, 2023
In our conversation last night about her texting, anger was seething from me but for once, I shut up and kept it inside. I wasn't going to blurt out more than I am ready too unlike what I've done previously (given too much away). I got out what I intended and that was it. An awkward night and not as restful as I would've liked, but it is what it is lately. Poor sleep has been the norm lately anyway. It's the kids I am most concerned with, especially my oldest. The truth will come out soon. I tallied a total of 41 texts either received or sent during the just under 2 hours we were there...
[This message edited by fsk071823 at 2:00 PM, Saturday, August 26th]
fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 2:18 PM on Saturday, August 26th, 2023
Very sorry you are here but you will receive good advice. Take care of you. This is a time to value yourself. You are not a perfect spouse. Neither is your WW. But you are not lying or texting other women . Look, you can no control your WW. You can not nice her back. Do not do the pick me dance. It never works. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused your WW to stray. If she is unhappy in your M she can work with you to create a better M, or she could decide to separate or pursue a D. Cheating is never justified. Read up on the 180 on this site in the healing library. Be there for your children. Always value yourself.
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.