SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After two and a half hours of tearfully begging my husband to be understanding of my panicked response when I found inappropriate texts from a CoW on his phone, it hit me: shit, this is D Day 3. His explanations for what the messages are are bullshit. Him telling me that I'm too intense and paranoid is gaslighting perfected after years of practice.

It clicked. The things that never added up in our marriage? All lies. Why did I still smell cigarettes on his breath when he quit in 2012? Because he didn't quit. Why was he still Facebook friends with his AP after he said he blocked her? Because he didn't block her. Why did my family and many of my friends treat me like an overly fragile crybaby? Because he made an effort to convince them this was the case. Why did his story keep changing when I asked him the same questions about the A? Because he was lying. Why did many innocuous conversations turn into hours of me crying and begging for him to be nice, just be nice? Because he deliberately pushed my buttons to make me seem, and feel, unstable.

I was always willing to see good intentions and honest mistakes in his behavior, but it finally occurred to me to take Occam's razor to his seemingly chaotic behavior... turns out, I felt isolated and abandoned by him because those were his goals.

He's a horrible person. He's already planting seeds in his support system that I am crazy and want to steal the kids.

How do I rescue myself and my babies from this hell?

First off, build your own support system, which should include a good IC and an equally good attorney. Note--do NOT use your attorney for "support" so much as to give you a picture of what you can expect in a divorce.

Start practicing "grey rock." Google it. Don't react to anything he says or does while you are getting your ducks in a row.

You know and even *I* know he's not going to change. So it's probably better to get out now, before your kids have too many memories of an intact family.

Serial cheating and chronic lying are VERY difficult habits to break. Someone who is engaged and ingrained in these behaviors has to change a LOT about themselves, and most don't care to do so.

There are no good intentions nor honest mistakes here. Get your ducks in a row quietly. Don't tell anyone but your IC and your attorney. Just do it, and when the time is right, have him served.

Cat

Hi HPFP,
Cat woman gave great advice. He’s shown you who he is. And rather than change and become a safe partner, he is going to continue to manipulate and gaslight you. I am so sorry.

See a few lawyers without telling him. Start planning your escape. And IC is a good idea to help you figure out what you want.
(And as you gather the info you need for the lawyer meetings, be careful and keep copies where he can’t access.)

You are strong and you have given R your all. Now it is time to create a healthy, truthful, authentic life for your and your littles.

Hugs to you, HPFP. You've been on my mind, and I had been hoping your absence from posting was because things were going in the right direction towards the reconciliation you had been hoping for. I am so, so sorry that it had been false R and your WH has been continuing to disappoint you with lies, gaslighting, and other crazy and unfair actions. After all you have done to support him through his mental health crisis, solo parenting abroad, losing both of your jobs, repatriating, and holding it all together. And this is how he repays you? By staying in touch with this nutty woman on another continent and lying to you about it? Totally unacceptable. I am so sorry and I am mad for you. BIG mad.

All of that said....I think you are making the right decision to separate. He has proven he is incapable (for now at least) of stepping up, making sacrifices, or thinking beyond himself. He is selfish and harmful in this state, and it is clear that his attempts to "do the work," get mental health help, fix his addiction issues, and deal with the fallout of the affair are not genuine. He can't even stop talking to somebody else's wife in a different country in order to focus on healing himself and you and your marriage. You and your sweet boys need and deserve 10x what he is offering (also: I would not give his "threat" of taking the boys to heart in any way. Look at the paper trail he has created for himself the past several months. There is no judge on this planet who would place the kids, solely/primarily, with him).

You will know what to do because you are extremely organized, mature, and driven: research attorneys and schedule an in-take appointment. Outline a separation, custody, and support agreement that works for you. Pull your financial info (figures and account numbers); write up your division of assets; make copies of everything (tax returns, ID cards); determine whose names are on what assets (car titles, retirement accounts). Research how your state works for separating and filing (you may not yet have residency). Just get prepped with the data and info to start. Making these steps will give you some sense of resolve and accomplishment, which will help a TINY bit in feeling like you have any sense of control over things. Are you still at your parents' home? Could he be asked to move out? He should!

You are SO strong and impressive. You will get through whatever happens with grace. I know it.

Thank you everyone.

@Fold, the old AP dumped him and apparently refers to him only as "the mistake."

After only weeks at a new job, he's found another AP. Guess he knows what to look for, now. At least she's not married.

@Catwoman, I tried grey rock and he completely short-circuited. Wow. Just, wow.

@Bearly, that is really good advice. I will create separate backups so that I won't lose them due to his tampering.

I am trying to work up the nerve to tell my lawyer. It feels so scary.

Oh and Fold!

Thank you for outlining the steps. I meant to add that.

Thankfully I have maintained my residency over the years, and we are in a no-fault state with an apparently straightforward process. The custody thing is nerve-wracking, though. Raising children with STBXWH is nerve-wracking.

One day at a time.

One Day At A Time is correct! My sons would have been so much better off if I had divorced my ws when they were very young. It was so traumatic for their Dad to walk out when they were 12 and 10. When they are very young you’ll give them a very stable life. They’ll prob visit their Dad, but if he’s like my xh he rarely saw them once the D was final. Thank goodness.

I got a counselor at the domestic violence center because emotional abuse is domestic violence. She really helped me stay in reality. They truly want to stop the circle of abuse so she worked with my sons too.

I surrounded myself with people who believed me, it’s so important.

You can also call the Alanon 800 number and listen in/participate in phone meetings. They are set up for families/friends of alcoholics, but the program really helps when dealing with any disordered person. They have specific steps and valuable resources on how to
make a good, solid life for you and your children when their Dad is trying to mess that up.

Hot Pink: Oof, a NEW AP? I somehow missed that. I am so very sorry. Like advice you and others gave me: you have to trust that he is showing you who he is. Either who he really is or a side to him that he has developed over time. Regardless, this has become an untenable situation and I think you are wise to begin implementing your exit strategy.

You've got a jump on knowing the legal aspects on your state, which is a plus. Keep up the info gathering and analysis while you begin to sort through what to do in what order. When the adrenaline from making the decision, doing the planning, and taking all the steps begins to wear off, the emotional hurricane will remain (ask me how I know!), and you will need good people around you to help prop you up, keep going, and starting a fresh life. You have your family and friends and all of us here behind you. Keep posting.

Just keep going step by step and before you know it you will be free!

Thanks everyone for the support.

STBXWH is clearly spiraling. His parents have come to prop him up for a bit. Every time they try to give some sort of excuse for his behavior, I respond with, "I deserve an honest and faithful partner."

That's a good line. Highly recommend it.

I can't shake the "oops didn't realize there was one more step" startle reflex of realizing it's over. Ten years, a significant amount of my life, memories and associations, it's ending here. This is really my life. STBXWH is garbage, but I still feel like I'm tearing my own heart in half.

This affair shit has owned me for 6 months. I don't know how to talk to people about anything else. I miss myself.

I hardly ever come to SI anymore, as infidelity has been out of my life for over a decade and it’s truly hard for me to believe sometimes how much better life is that I ever could have imagined when I was first going through this and at the point that you are now. Just wanted to be one of your cheerleaders, and to reassure you that things are going to get so much better. I know it’s hard to see now, and there will be peaks and valleys to come. But once the divorce is final and you can begin your new normal, you have the opportunity to transform your life into one filled only with love, honor, and peace. It’s so great on this side, and I know in a few years, you will have a hard time believe that this garbage man is someone you were willing to give up so much for. Congratulations on finding yourself again - you’ve got this!

How you doing