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Newest Member: KRE74

Divorce/Separation :
Step 1 Filed for Divorce - Step 2 ?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 ANewPerson (original poster member #83728) posted at 12:33 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

It's been three years to the month. Under an old handle, I received support and advice on SI, most of that advice I failed to incorporate. It took another incidence and lies to break the false spell of "reconciliation" I'd cast upon myself. Hopium I remember it was called. Everyone here is well aware that capitulation is not reconciliation. And yet, I'd capitulate and call it success, meanwhile the mounting weight of her lies has been crushing me.

Now, a new chapter, and all the lies she's told don't need to be answered. She will harm me financially, but it's the last harm I'll allow.

It's just a few days since filing and we haven't accomplished service yet, but I feel slightly better. Anything better is phenomenal. Really. I'm confused about a purpose and direction in my life. Sadly, serving my wife and family was my primary purpose. I have my business, which I'll work doubly hard to make up my coming divorce losses. That'll be something positive. My children have gathered around me, loving, and supportive. My friends are there for me and I'm making additional plans to fill some of my time. Though it's been lonely for three years, the idea of really opening up and communicating with a woman seems like a challenge. Professionally I see many women, but I enjoy the comfort of an overly-reserved professional demeanor. Maybe I shouldn't keep all the women in my industry on absolute professional terms. Women talk with me at the gym as well, but I've been projecting married/unavailable. There are times I want to wear my ring as a shield. I haven't, but I have been tempted. Very conflicted feelings about women. I'm feeling like my first step is to re-grow some female friendships, as a married man, those rightfully withered. My male friends are great, but sue me, even burned, I like the company of women.

I've been contemplating how I approach separation/divorce. I don't want my life now to be about her. Not sure I have any questions; I'm just floundering around with many contradictory thoughts and feelings.

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8804278
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 7:46 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

Are you in IC? A therapist may be able to help you through this time. You'll want to focus on healing and being able to be your own person. Frankly, I'm enjoying being on my own.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3575   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8804313
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 ANewPerson (original poster member #83728) posted at 8:37 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

Was in IC for about two years with several counselors. For about a year I found one and we did good work together, dealt with the trauma, we did a deep dive on other issues and dealt with some childhood scars. I'd count all that as a success and reap many benefits today. Eventually it seemed we got to discussing state of my life and doing some personal goal setting. It appeared to me he wasn't on my side because he favored divorce, in retrospect, my own words kept taking us to divorce. Toward the end, I lied to my counselor telling him about fictitious compassion and work my wife was doing. I dropped IC once I lied to him, if I'm not able to be honest in that environment, once the point? I've been considering returning since we did good work together. I know it's not personal for him, but I still don't feel good about misleading him in counseling and have been reluctant.

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8804320
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JammyWheel ( member #80828) posted at 8:44 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

I suppose,it is very early days since you filed
So knowing what you want next will take time

You just need to keep asking yourself
Gradually it will become clearer

posts: 68   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2022
id 8804323
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:13 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

Everyone lies to their IC— sometimes intentionally and sometimes b/c we believe our own lies. They don’t care. They don’t care if it is all lies—that in itself tells them that you are hiding or scared of the truth. So if you liked your IC, then go back.

It takes a little time to recalibrate and see what a new future will look like. Don’t feel like you have to have it mapped out right away. Your plan to stay busy at work and with friends is good. New hobbies are good too. I took to saying yes to everything— just to get out and do stuff.

And you can wait to date until you feel more comfortable. But join some groups of stuff that interest you and see if female friendships develop. I

You are going to be fine. No need to rush, and you will see your path forward as you go.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6064   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8804326
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kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 1:35 AM on Monday, August 14th, 2023

COngratulations on taking the leap. I am only 2 months behind you on a timeline of when filed. I am 52 so I think it is a little harder for those in long term marriages. My marriage was half my life!!!

So don't rush things. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where that takes you. Just keep going and new roads will open up and when you look back I believe it will make sense. But in this rebuilding phase, it is hard to see clearly. It is exciting and terrifying at the same time!

Welcome

posts: 663   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8804338
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kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 1:35 AM on Monday, August 14th, 2023

COngratulations on taking the leap. I am only 2 months behind you on a timeline of when filed. I am 52 so I think it is a little harder for those in long term marriages. My marriage was half my life!!!

So don't rush things. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where that takes you. Just keep going and new roads will open up and when you look back I believe it will make sense. But in this rebuilding phase, it is hard to see clearly. It is exciting and terrifying at the same time!

Welcome

posts: 663   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8804339
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 ANewPerson (original poster member #83728) posted at 12:36 PM on Monday, August 14th, 2023

It is exciting and terrifying at the same time!

I vacillate between those two emotions. There are moments of terror where I re-litigate the words and approaches that I tried during the exhaustive false R. But it's remained DARVOm after the fear passes I find again that all my anguish and efforts had no impact on her behavior or communication. I don't understand why she stayed to keep playing DARVO. Broken record and me the fool for listening to that tune over and over. The feeling of loss is near constant, I don't want to hope, but I keep hoping if I industriously move in the direction opposite her, that I'll end up somewhere else emotionally. Eventually.

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8804355
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kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 1:49 PM on Monday, August 14th, 2023

New chapter, new beginning=anewperson.

A new life will unfold in time with your efforts. If you are a visual person, create a vision board to help keep focused on what is most important to you in this next chapter of life. I plan to do this to get clarity on what I want my new chapter to look like.

Ironically enough, I looked at a vision board I made about 4 years ago and it had a picture of a fork in the road with a big tree in middle. At that time I was starting to contemplate staying in marriage or not.

Or make a list of your hopes, goals, and dreams. I think it’s so important to get those on paper or a vision board to keep one moving towards fulfilling dreams.

posts: 663   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8804360
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BrokenheartedUK ( member #43520) posted at 3:15 PM on Monday, August 14th, 2023

For me, getting a divorce allowed me to rediscover myself. I would get back into IC but also work on developing your own interests such as sports or music or whatever. Reignite the person you were before you married. Build on that. Read books you wanted to read but didn’t have time for. Travel to see an old friend from college. Don’t even think about dating until you are well and truly in a different place. At best you’re going to get hurt or repeat codependent habits. At worse, you’re going to hurt someone else. Do you. That’s the gift here.

Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

posts: 3418   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 8804363
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 ANewPerson (original poster member #83728) posted at 1:09 AM on Tuesday, August 15th, 2023

For me, getting a divorce allowed me to rediscover myself. I would get back into IC but also work on developing your own interests such as sports or music or whatever. Reignite the person you were before you married. Build on that. Read books you wanted to read but didn’t have time for. Travel to see an old friend from college. Don’t even think about dating until you are well and truly in a different place. At best you’re going to get hurt or repeat codependent habits. At worse, you’re going to hurt someone else. Do you. That’s the gift here.

Thank you, I am taking most of the week to visit a friend, he's hang-out and chat type with an above average ear. Aiming at most of what you suggest. I had a moment of realization where I'd been thinking about going to more functions (things I don't really enjoy and don't need to do). Old IC stuff, it was me thinking about women to go seek their special herbs of affirmation. Even in my broken mental state, my genes are trying to find a way. My number of family events is exploding, that and my normal friendships are all I want to do. Channeling my inner hippy, I want space to figure out who I am. I'm not in a rush to support my own abuse any time soon, so yeah, I'll be wary of my own co-dependency, particularly with the stbx.

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8804416
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kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 4:01 AM on Tuesday, August 15th, 2023

This sounds like a solid plan. Just enjoy the things YOU like to do and take the time to heal your soul. You have a good perspective overall and I think you will land on your feet. You recognize your patterns and are working to change them.

Best of luck to you!

posts: 663   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8804427
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 ANewPerson (original poster member #83728) posted at 10:04 PM on Tuesday, August 15th, 2023

Thank you, IC gave me fundamentals that are paying dividends. Filing occurred, I'm somebody going someplace, I have a case number! The start of a path I can understand. It feels good, I never thought I'd say that. It's sad, I do regress into pain, and I have moments where I fall into old co-dependent thought patterns. That's okay, I'm not greedy, I'll take the respite I'm getting. We are NC right now, expecting she'll call and start some of the games that have kept me trapped for three year.

I wonder what it is I enjoy. I've been working so hard to make someone else's life better, I've forgotten who I am. I'm ready to meet myself though.

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8804514
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kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 4:36 AM on Wednesday, August 16th, 2023

I’m right there with you! When my friends say "I miss you"- my first thought is I miss me too!!

It is scary af, and so freeing at the same time. I sacrificed myself for 26 years for the whole family and am ready to soar! I’m counting down the days until he moves out (41 days). I can barely stand it. Are you doing IHS? It’s the worst!!

Try pickleball- it’s all the craze. I play 3x a week and love it. I love being very active, and soon to be ex loves to drink and go to bars. 🤮

Enjoy discovering what fills your cup!

posts: 663   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8804544
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 ANewPerson (original poster member #83728) posted at 3:12 PM on Wednesday, August 16th, 2023

I’m right there with you! When my friends say "I miss you"- my first thought is I miss me too!!

It is scary af, and so freeing at the same time. I sacrificed myself for 26 years for the whole family and am ready to soar! I’m counting down the days until he moves out (41 days). I can barely stand it. Are you doing IHS? It’s the worst!!

Try pickleball- it’s all the craze. I play 3x a week and love it. I love being very active, and soon to be ex loves to drink and go to bars. 🤮

Enjoy discovering what fills your cup!

What's IHS?

I tried pickleball and it was a blast but didn't find it really fit me and I was doing it in order to not let down other people. My physical activities are weightlifting, walking, and swimming. Those each put me in a great mental state.

Bars, agreed. Never liked them, WW was like fish to water in those environments. Red flag? Maybe. I have friends that enjoy going out for drinks, so don't want to over generalize people in particular. I prefer house gatherings and will be organizing small parties. Give some friends a birthday celebration, get back to the basics, you know.

I've been worrying about an incoming call from ww, thankfully hasn't arrived and each day of NC is healing. 41 days living with her would be a nightmare now that my mind is beginning a shift to the future. I don't know what going to prison feels like, but it may have some similarities to spending 41 days with a selfish cheat.

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8804576
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:21 PM on Wednesday, August 16th, 2023

Inhouse separation (IHS). There is a list of acronyms in the Healing Library.

I'm doing stuff that XWH didn't like to do. Now that I have better control on spending habits, I'm able to go do the things that I've wanted to do for a long time. For example, I spent a week in a motel on the beach where I'd wanted to stay since I was in my 20's. I'm planning a trip to Hawaii, which I couldn't do because XWH wouldn't be on the plane for that long.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3575   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8804578
Topic is Sleeping.
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