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Just Found Out :
And then this happened........

Topic is Sleeping.
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 RaleighGuy (original poster member #75271) posted at 4:30 PM on Sunday, August 6th, 2023

On Friday afternoon, my wife told me she has scheduled a polygraph exam for this week. The examiner has years of experience and conducts the exams in hotel conference rooms around the country.

This announcement came completely out of the clear blue sky. I could not possibly have been more startled and surprised by this - in a very positive way.

Those of you whom have read my profile or any of my SI posts know I have had 3 years of trickle truth in trying to get details of the affair that will allow me to move forward - with or without her. It has been completely exhausting and maddening. I am at the proverbial end of my rope. I still don't have a timeline I can believe 43 years after the discovery of the affair. She lied about some elements of the affair when it was discovered (which she has admitted) and the slow release of information is (has?) destroyed our marriage. Trust is non-existent. She has sworn for three years she repressed the memories because of shame and guilt and really wants to give me answers. I've told her flat out many times I do not believe her when she gives me an answer that I believe she is lying about, minimizing or holding back important details.

My distrust is such that I have found myself wondering if this is some kind of elaborate ruse to keep me from leaving. She is really, really scared that I am going to walk out - and I know she's not faking.

I am not a big fan of poly exams. Some people can pass them with ease while lying through their teeth. Most of the questions examiners ask are "Yes/No" and do not give details I wish to have - details which I feel I am owed.

BUT.......the fact that she has gone out and scheduled the exam with no prompting from me has actually given me hope that there may actually be some truth to the repressed memory. It's is a big risk for her.......because she has told me she is afraid some answers could cross lines she doesn't believe I can get past. (And she's 110% correct).

I would value any inputs from SI folks - negative or positive - regarding whether this is truly a sign of trying to give me the answers I need or a ploy to get me to stay..............

posts: 64   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2020
id 8803472
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AintDatSpecial ( member #83560) posted at 5:35 PM on Sunday, August 6th, 2023

Hi RaleighGuy,

I am very early in this process so don’t feel like I’m equipped to say whether or not this is a positive sign- although reading along here, it seems a poly is not a bad thing.

I replied to speak more specifically about my experience with the poly. I requested my WH take a poly because he swore he and his AP only kissed and I needed to know the truth. What I learned from the examiner in my case:

The single answer question test is the most reliable. But she was able to frame it to answer two of my questions in one. She had WH write out a statement of what did occur with the AP. Then she was able to ask something along the lines of "other than what was admitted with AP, have you ever had sexual contact with anyone during your marriage". She also had him read and agree to explicitly what sexual contact meant. It included French kissing so his A events count as sexual contact (which I knew of course). She asked it three separate times and it came back truthful all 3 times.

She could’ve asked up to 3 questions but the more she asks, the reliability goes down. I cannot remember exact figures but she did tell us.

She said she cannot ask about feelings or thoughts. So you can’t ask if your WW loved the AP or planned specific things. Pretty much can ask about what occurred.

Your WS has to consent to being tested, answering the specific questions, and if desired sharing the results with you. My WH agreed to all this and signed the proper consent forms.

I know this isn’t exactly what you were looking for but hope it helped with some of the logistics. Feel free to ask anything about my poly experience if you think it would help

Best of luck to you

Me- BW/ Him- WH, both early 40s/ D-day June 2023/ working on healing me

posts: 55   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2023   ·   location: United States
id 8803477
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RangerS ( member #79516) posted at 8:06 PM on Sunday, August 6th, 2023

You should be the one working with the operator to set the questions based on what you want to know.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021
id 8803493
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 10:12 PM on Sunday, August 6th, 2023

You should be leading here. You chose the examiner and the questions.

Most of the questions examiners ask are "Yes/No" and do not give details I wish to have - details which I feel I am owed.

This is why you have to have a timeline first and build your questions around it. You cannot poly questions about feelings only factual information.

It's is a big risk for her.......because she has told me she is afraid some answers could cross lines she doesn't believe I can get past. (And she's 110% correct).

Yes some of the answers COULD be a dealbreaker, but another lie definitely is.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3445   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8803508
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RoundandRound68 ( new member #82936) posted at 8:50 AM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

because she has told me she is afraid some answers could cross lines she doesn't believe I can get past.

If she is trying to prove her honesty why is she waiting for answers to poly questions to trip her up?

Why will she not tell you what she's been withholding? Is she just hoping the pointed questions won't be asked so she doesn't have to tell you what she did that crossed lines?

Seems odd to me.

Does the merry-go-round ever stop

Me : BH 46 at the time.WW 40 at the time.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2023   ·   location: U.K.
id 8803546
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Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 11:26 AM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

Has she given you a timeline of her affair? Insist on this before she takes the poly. Also if she is afraid some of her answer might be borderline deal breakers, then ask her to come clean on everything and ask her to trust you to do you best to get thru this with her. She has already said there is more you don’t know. Cancel the poly get the whole truth from her with a timeline and then do the poly that you schedule.

posts: 150   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8803549
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Vocalion ( member #82921) posted at 12:39 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

Completely agree with the advice given above. It is essential that you have an as near as possible full data base upon which to draw your questions, otherwise you are floundering in the dark. It's in those areas that look dubious, the odd and incongruous behaviors you witnessed in your WW during her sffair which just don't jibe with her timeline..these are often thelaces you want to explore..

posts: 230   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2023   ·   location: San Diego
id 8803552
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 RaleighGuy (original poster member #75271) posted at 1:22 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

First and foremost: Thanks to each and everyone who has responded so far. Your thoughts and advice are helpful and give me good ideas on how to navigate the waters I find myself in.

A couple of you suggested I should control the questions asked during the exam. I'm in full agreement.....BUT.....she spoke with the examiner and setup/paid for the session already. I was told of this after it was setup.

The suggestion to have an established timeline in place before the exam is also good. Problem is, that's the main reason (there are others) the exam is being conducted for. I've tried for the last three years to get the specifics from her, but she swears she can't remember. This is hard for me to believe......cheating on your spouse immediately before and after the wedding just strikes me as something people wouldn't forget about. I have accused her of lying, covering-up and cruelly "trickle truthing" me. So, when she told me the reason the exam was setup was for finding out what the timeline is, I've begun to wonder if perhaps she's been telling the truth about repressing the memories.

My belief has always been she was lying. Another thought has been that what she did was so MUCH worse than what has been admitted so far - and that's the reason she "can't remember". Either way, she is frightened the results of the exam may cause me to divorce her.

Once again, it's hard to understand why she would risk scheduling an exam and sharing the results with me unless she really can't remember. Moreover, she's totally freaked out about it - and it's not fake.

posts: 64   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2020
id 8803560
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Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 1:35 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

are you going to be there when she’s tested?!!!

posts: 150   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8803561
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 RaleighGuy (original poster member #75271) posted at 2:06 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

Dennylast:

I will be on the hotel property, but not in the room where the exam is performed. There is supposed to be a printed handout with the questions and results that she has promised to share with me immediately afterwards......

posts: 64   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2020
id 8803566
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 RaleighGuy (original poster member #75271) posted at 2:10 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

Dennylast:

Ironically, I will be sitting in my car outside in the parking lot. I've heard the term "parking lot confession" many times in relation to a pending poly exam. What a strange thing it would be if I were to actually get one of those before she goes inside....

posts: 64   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2020
id 8803567
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 3:06 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

Are you able to at least present the questions to the examiner, despite her having set it up? I don't have any personal experience with a poly, but in my job they're a commonly-used tool and many of my peers have had at least one. Could you ask questions like:

Are you able to recall whether there are any details you have yet to disclose to RaleighGuy regarding your affair with POSOM?
Have you had sexual relations with anyone other than RaleighGuy or POSOM since XX (wedding date)?
Have you been in contact with POSOM since xx (date of NC)?

And based on whether she passes those, or tells the truth and it is what you fear, then another poly could be scheduled with a different examiner. I know it's pricy, but it is likely worth it for your peace of mind.

posts: 153   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8803571
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Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 3:15 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

You won’t. She has set this up to fool you. This is the most absurd thing I’ve heard of. Other members please join in on this to help RG. This is something you control. Your questions while YOU are there. From this stunt I can confidently say you are in false R. This is what you should do.
1. Tell her you are not interested in her poly. Don’t bother telling me the results.
2. Once you give me a timeline with as much detail as you can remember I will set one up.
3. If she complies with the above the only question she needs to answer in your poly is, is your timeline complete with no missing details that you can remember.
You will know if you are still being lied too.

posts: 150   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8803573
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realitybites ( member #6908) posted at 3:19 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

BUT.....she spoke with the examiner and setup/paid for the session already. I was told of this after it was setup.

This is supposed to be out YOU having some kind of control again within your relationship. This to me speaks of a WS who is still trying to control the narrative.

If she so badly wants to stay in the marriage, why does she not just allow you to take the wheel? Oh wait, I know....cuz she is still trying to control it. I so wish WS's worked just as hard at giving the BS what they want, then stonewalling and controlling. This has I am sure been like torture for you, for years.

This is for your healing, you at some point must put your foot down, just say "hey, thanks for setting that up but I would like to talk to this person ahead of time as well" And also ask for a receipt and ask for their credentials. And just come right out and say to this person if you do talk to them the this is about 3 yrs of trickle truth. Trust me, you are not the only one who goes thru this, these people know why they are being hired to do a polygraph. You wont tell them anything they have not heard.

It's of course up to you, but I feel you need to KNOW who and what this is, not just be handed a piece of paper after the fact and sit in a parking lot. JMO

Stop expecting loyalty from people who cannot even give you honesty.

He stopped being my husband the first time he cheated. It took me awhile to understand that I was no longer his wife.

posts: 6939   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2005   ·   location: florida
id 8803574
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 3:57 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

Set up the questions you want and post them here to get advice. Then take the refined questions andprint them out for your wife to give to the examiner. Examiner may refine them bit more but this forum will get them pretty close to usable is my strong guess.

Your wife set this up, I think she should be open to the questions being created by you.

posts: 965   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8803578
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 4:06 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

A couple of you suggested I should control the questions asked during the exam. I'm in full agreement.....BUT.....she spoke with the examiner and setup/paid for the session already. I was told of this after it was setup.

Add me to the list. I generally am not a fan of polygraphs - their results are not nearly as solid/reliable as people think they are (I see results a lot in my line of work). That being said, if you are not in control of this - e.g. selecting AND being involved in the questions asked, the real value of these tests (to me) is the parking lot confession idea referenced above, is lost. If your WS is not afraid of this, because she is the one setting the whole thing up, then it's pretty much worthless IMO.

I would ask why she feels the need to control the who and where of the whole process. The thing is the WS does not get to control this aside from consenting of course.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:11 PM, Monday, August 7th]

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2355   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8803582
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solo ( member #57709) posted at 4:37 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

I agree with what others have said, but what will you do if she passes? I made my wife take one, and went in fully expecting her to fail. She didn’t. The examiner repeated the test, as she was also surprised that my wife passed. What will this mean to you?

I’d spent the whole time planning my responses for when she failed. I didn’t prepare for the event that she would pass it. Just my 2 cents, but all it did for me was to make me stop believing that polygraphs work. It didn’t give me any relief, and I still didn’t / don’t believe her. I just want to make sure you think both scenarios through beforehand.

posts: 209   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2017
id 8803586
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:45 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

IDK ... this might be useful to ID a lie, but she has so much control over this that I wouldn't get much comfort from a pass.

R is a joint effort. Presenting one's partner with a fait accompli is the opposite of partnership, unless one partner knows t's exactly what the other partner wants.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29988   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8803589
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RangerS ( member #79516) posted at 5:12 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

Just because she set it up and paid for it does not mean that you can't consult with the polygraph technician. Your wife should be completely ok with this if she is not trying to hide something. Has she shared the questions with you? Are you allowed to talk to the polygraph tech before and after the session? If all you are going to get out of this is a piece of paper with the results, I would be even more suspicious of her and the results (if that is possible). There is absolutely no valid reason that you are not completely involved with this process.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021
id 8803595
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ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 6:03 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

RaleighGuy said:

I am at the proverbial end of my rope. I still don't have a timeline I can believe 43 years after the discovery of the affair. She lied about some elements of the affair when it was discovered (which she has admitted) and the slow release of information is (has?) destroyed our marriage. Trust is non-existent. She has sworn for three years she repressed the memories because of shame and guilt and really wants to give me answers. I've told her flat out many times I do not believe her when she gives me an answer that I believe she is lying about, minimizing or holding back important details.

This sounds so much like me…I’m sorry. My WW had multiple APs over the first 20 years of our marriage. This was 19-39 years ago. I too get "I don’t remember". She "doesn’t remember" the first time she had sex with someone other than me? Hmmm. On D-Day I flat out asked her the name of an AP I suspected. She said "I don’t even know who that is". Later when she admitted to sleeping with him, it was "only once and I was really drunk". Which leads you to think "drunken hookup". Then it comes out they had been "flirting for weeks" at work. They planned a meet up at his house with the explicit intention to have sex when his wife went out of town. She remembered exactly where he lived, the approximate time of day she arrived, everything they did and sitting on the porch chatting afterward. A huge jump from "I don’t know who that is"…..

Anyway, my WW offered a polygraph. I think it was a bluff and she was shocked when I agreed. She found the Examiner and paid for it and scheduled it. I drafted 4 questions to be used. My wife wrote out a timeline. When we arrived, the Examiner interviewed me, read the timeline and then interviewed my wife for an hour and a half and had her verbally recount the timeline for him. He then met with me again and we finalized the questions. He put the questions into the right format and then administered the Exam. The whole thing took 3 1/2 hours. WW was a broken down sobbing mess. But she passed.

So she truly doesn’t remember the rest, truly believes she doesn’t or is a female George Costanza who is the "queen of liars" and can beat the poly.

Like others say, don’t let her control this. At least draft questions and ask to speak to the Examiner. Even then, will the test give you any solace? For me, only a little….

Good luck.

Me: BH (61)

Her: UW (60)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 147   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8803601
Topic is Sleeping.
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