SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What the heck is that ABOUT?!

Interesting question..
I think a WS really has to de-humanize their partner at least a little to step out on them. Not talking about hate or loathing here - more the concept of just not thinking about them in a similar way to how they think about themselves. Especially when their partner isn’t right in front of them. They probably do that to most other people, too. Out of sight, out of mind.
We TEACH this to our children these days: forget ‘treat others the way you would want to be treated’. Now it’s ‘put yourself first, you don’t need anyone to be happy - reward YOURSELF with success and a career and nice things’
The relationship - their environment - becomes a part of their identity and IS maybe more important to them than their partner, even before the infidelity. Definitely is during the affair. The relationship is what they lie in order to preserve. Wanting to ‘repair’ the relationship after screwing it up is about getting back to ‘normal’.
So, I think they DO want the relationship more than their partner in most cases - especially at first. Taking the extra step to finally humanize their partner, maybe for the first time, isn’t one that all of them can take…

I think it has something to do with seeking external validation. They consider marriage an institution which somehow determines their social standing and the way they are perceived by others: "I'm attractive/bright/capable (etc.) enough to secure commitment from a partner, so you should respect/admire/validate me." It's less about who the partner is as a person and more about how being in a relationship with them reflects on the WS.

We could go into how all this nicely fits into narcissistic modus operandi (seeking external validation, impaired empathy, objectifying/instrumentalising people, etc.), but that would require writing a book :-)

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 8:43 AM, Sunday, August 6th]

My WH certainly appreciated me as a faithful wife appliance. I cooked his meals, cleaned the house, did his laundry, split the bills, hosted holidays at our home for his wretched family.

He fell out of love with me but he certainly wanted to keep me as a room mate with benefits. His first words after coming home to a half-empty home were "How am I supposed to make rent next month?!"

EXWH never saw me as a separate human being. I was simply an accessory that made him look good. I made him look normal, like a good guy. Pfffftttt…bye!

That’s why he hasn’t been single since the day we separated in 2017. And now he is engaged. These people can’t be alone. Because who are they without a good partner. They don’t even know who they are, much less love themselves.

Oh hell yes.

She said she did not want to break up our family. (Just break me apparently).

In my case, it led to limbo-23 fabulous years of it. I had 2 babies -6 and 3 1/2 that I was willing to stick it out for. Later, I was just too comfortable to leave.

In total fairness, the shell 🐚 of the M meant more to me than she did. 24 years ago, the best a single dad could hope for in joint custody was 4 nights a week. She was a shitty wife but a great mom( yes, you can be both). The shell meant I was there every night, and I could comfort them after bad dreams, help with homework, and love them every night. Together we were more financially stable. If we had D, I would have had to pay 25% of my income in child support-the laws at the time did not consider a wife’s income unless she made more than the husband (this has changed). Even 25% would have meant a reduced standard of living for the kids. So I got the shell, and the only price I had to pay was a long loveless marriage.

What she traded away was real love. She had a husband, and everything looked normal from the outside, but there was no love on the inside (most years).

While DDay was 24 years ago, R is only 9 months old. And tough. And fun. And stressful. And even exciting at times.

So, we know what WS wants-what do you want? There is no wrong answer.

Do you want the shell? Do you want D-with the hope of finding real love (but the cost could be steep)?
Do you want to try to R with a person you love(d), that now you know how selfish and evil they can be, but are willing to try to bring back that person you loved?

I wish you the very best. I hope you find peace in your decision.

He fell out of love with me but he certainly wanted to keep me as a room mate with benefits.

It's called wanting their cake and eating it too. ^^^^ They are using the BS as their shield to look "normal" to the outside world.

They want both, they are vampires of attention, whether it be good or bad attention. They need to look like a "good guy" to the outside world. They are many times covert narcissists. Different than a full blown narcissist, but it explains quite a bit.

It took me a long time to realize it cuz mine was super good at it, I just could not wrap my head around how he would just love to be super nice to others, he would open doors, enjoy making people laugh, help the neighbor repair something, help a family member put things in a car, go repair a faucet at someone's house, yet when around me he would just be this snarky mean, passive aggressive angry person, he HATED my birthday and would buy the weirdest gifts, nothing I would want or ask for and then tell me how ungrateful I was and how he can never please me. He would break something at home just out of the blue so I would have to find someone else to fix it and then get mad about that, start small petty fights on almost a daily basis towards the end, etc... I could not figure out why I was SOOOOO unhappy, it must be ME not him. It was all done like water torture, not all the time, but it would ramp up. Then the affair happened, and I was in just such a mental state at that time and in shock (unbeknownst to me) because I was so mentally trained at that point to just accept what he was putting me through. There wasn't anything I could do that he appreciated or liked, I never understood any of it until I started reading a book called The Covert Narcissist and THAT book actually finally opened my eyes, someone finally had a way to explain what I was going thru and why I did not see it and did not understand it. I took the blame for a long time, still not sure why I did for so long.

The Covert Narcissist. Good book to get to help maybe explain what you might be going through.

[This message edited by realitybites at 12:21 PM, Monday, August 7th]