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Any tips for doing 180? I found some very upsetting news today about my WH and let's say I'm hanging on by a thread. I can't keep doing this but I also don't have the money to leave.

I'm going to attempt 180 but not sure how to do this. I'm so sad and my heart hurts.

None of us deserve this pain and I hate that we all find ourselves here.

And really I can't afford to leave so that is not an option. I have a soon to be junior in high school and this area is expensive cost of living. I can't change his schools again, my poor son has to keep changing his life due to my terrible choice in men and I can't keep doing this to him.

I feel like a terrible mother for choosing another selfish man to marry.

Stay strong, you’re not a terrible mother. It’s not your fault this happened to you and you’re doing your best.

There are good articles on here about the 180.

Definitely implement the 180 you can look up old threads here that mention it, but basically you are detaching from him and no longer going to do the things a wife normally does which includes: Cooking, laundry, sex, going to places together etc.

I would start with those and find your own support system of friends and family and lean on them. Start seeing a talk therapist where can let all this out without having to discuss anything with your WS. Start becoming more independent and saving money. Find a job that pays a decent pay where you can look to support yourself.

Plan it out one step at a time and leave when your son graduates.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 11:24 PM, Thursday, August 3rd]

I'm working on finding a better job but I am limited due to my retirement pension. My options are public colleges, park districts, and some government jobs. I don't want to lose my pension. And the pay for those are not as high as I need for a single income.

I also do not have friends and find it really hard to make any. I have one old coworker I talk to but she's 72 and I'm in my mid thirties. We meet for walks but don't have enough interests to hang out more.

It's barely been one day and I'm so lonely already. Sad and lonely are just awful ways to feel.

I'm planning on going out tonight to a free concert by myself but it might just make me more sad.

The worst is earlier today was such a fun day, we all went hiking and I found the bad news after we got home.

I’m so sorry that you’re here, Greto. We all know that plunging crash of finding out life-altering information.

This is a great place for support. You’ll get tons of help and advice here. Take what helps you and leave the rest for later consideration. If it’s really not helpful to your situation, discard it, but sometimes the advice that we least want to hear is the advice that we most need to consider. Everyone here wants to spare you as much additional pain as possible. But we all know that a huge amount of pain and loss of security is inevitable too. Please take care of yourself and do whatever you can to get support.

Do you have access to therapy at all? If you can find or have a good one, that can be tremendously helpful. We all need a place to talk this shit through and get support. Losing access to the person that you thought was your best friend and partner is extremely isolating and painful. Just having a person who can give you a genuine comforting hug can be a huge help. Is their family you can share this with?

I understand needing to bide your time. I’ll also share that it is soul-sucking and constantly re-traumatizing, so it is really important that you have some respite to take care of yourself and hopefully, someone that can support you. It is much harder to begin any kind of healing while living with your abuser (yes, most of the behavior that wayward spouses engage in is abusive of the person that they made huge life commitments to). The 180 is a great first step to getting some distance for yourself and beginning to prioritize your own needs and healing first.

Keep coming here. This is the best place you never want to need. Everyone here understands this pain, and we’re all here to help and understand.

Sending you a hug of strength and support.

Two practical thoughts, the less important one first.

1) Your pension has a computable present value. See if you can compute the value and use that value in comparing to what you have and what a new job offers. Sometimes one takes a hit at first, but can make it up pretty quickly, but you can't know that unless you know your net present value.

2) much more important: the 180 IS difficult. The corollary is: you'll make mistakes, especially at first, and the antidote is to pick yourself up and start again. Forgiving yourself for making the mistake makes it easier to start again.

I'm sorry that you got bad news.

So that it's handy. Be sure to click the first link in the article, too:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/

I was doing well with this but today it's killing me. I have so many questions and even if I know asking them leads to me not believing a word said, I want to ask.

I am trying so hard to keep busy. I don't want my marriage to end, I really don't. And then my mom knows everything and her response is always at least he didn't follow through with meeting anyone or at least he loves you or all men would cheat if they could or all men think of cheating.

I'm so sad.