SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

...and I told my husband if it is true for him to take it to THE GRAVE.

For years my husband and I have only been having sex about once a month. I have really put up a lot of reluctance because my needs were not getting met during sex, it is a pattern we fell into while we were dating. He was not supposed to be having sex with me before marriage, and so we would mess around and mess around and mess around--then finally we would do it. But he would hurry through it because he felt bad and I never got to have an orgasm. That really did not change after our marriage, I guess he trained his body to get it over with and so I never really had a whole lot of sexual satisfaction and eventually I just stopped wanting to have bad sex.

I know he was really hurt by that, and bewildered by that. You are supposed to tell your husband how to touch you, but I don't even know how I like to be touched. At some point after almost 20 years I started fantasizing about having an online EA of my own, thinking that if I had a boyfriend in Oregon he could not pressure me for sex, and then I could know what it is like to be loved and happy. Of course, the difference between my husband and I is that I took these feelings on board to give me insight into my weak areas to help me stay faithful. He tried to stay faithful by telling himself no one wanted him anyway.

Well tonight I read that people who are having EA's often have a very high sex drive because of all the GLORIOUS sexual tension they feel in NOT fucking their affair partner. That is absolutely horrific to me. I absolutely cannot stand the idea that my husband pestered me for sex, made me feel bad for not having it, and made me feel like a bad wife because he had an EA because I never put out, simply because he needed to fuck SOMEthing, as if I am not even a person in my own right.

And that the reason I am going without now, despite the fact that I am being more vocal about my needs in bed and I think we are having better sex for it, is that I actually have a very high sex drive for GOOD sex, is not that he's just tired or busy with work or whatever other excuses he is giving me for why he seems to want to go back to once a month after pressuring me for YEARS. It is because we no longer have HER to engender such heightened passions in him from the restraint he is exercising in NOT fucking her.

I could totally have gone without THAT insight--FOREVER.

It is all I can do to not go out to a bar right now and fuck the heck out of someone else in sheer SEXUAL FRUSTRATION and DESPAIR. Either that or simply DIE...NOW...PLEASE.

Sometimes I think I do not want to learn one more thing about adultery, affairs, cheating, betrayal trauma, or any other such thing and go back to thinking I was a complete weirdo TOTALLY ALONE in not being able to get over an EA where my husband "didn't even have sex" and it "didn't really mean anything to him" anyway (it meant enough to DAMN NEAR DESTROY our relationship, and me with it, but WHATever 🙄 I am not having THAT argument again) so I should just get over it.

Honest to goodness, sometimes it seems like the things I'm learning are making it 10 times as hard to get over it. I don't know whether to come back here and see if someone had some comfort to offer me, or stay away from infidelity websites altogether before I LIERALLY go crazy.

[This message edited by 2ndFiddle at 10:58 AM, Thursday, August 3rd]

Were you reading a peer-reviewed journal? Did the research have a valid method? How big was the writer's sample?

IOW, my bet is that the article was simply the writer's theory, with no real proof.

It taught you a lot about yourself, though, and that insight is positive for you. Now you know more about what you want, and you can use that info to get more our of life.

I don't know what your solution is. Maybe sex therapy, maybe IC for your H and/or you, maybe MC, maybe D. Maybe talking with your H and making some demands will solve your problem.

In the years before my W's A, I wanted more sex, but thought my W was giving all she could. She wanted more sex but thought I was getting all I wanted. We found that out after d-day, and the solution was easy.

IMO, each of us is responsible for our own orgasm. If it's not happening the way we want it to, it's up to us to ask for changes.

You don't know how you like to be touched? That just means your H would be well-advised to to touch you a lot and for you to feel the touch and figure out what you like best.

Courage, 2ndFiddle! Talk with your H. Ask for what you want. Strongly consider F if he won't deliver. I wish you the very best outcome.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:16 PM, Thursday, August 3rd]

Honestly, I think what you read is probably correct.

Some will focus on studies, and source. I say it is common sense. They feel they're in love with the AP, but distance is a factor so they can't make it a PA. They send pics,talk about what they would do sexually to each other,etc. They get all worked up,and their BS is available to them,so they get all that sexual tension out, by having sex with their spouse.

It's horrible. And painful. I'm really sorry. Infidelity. The gift that keeps giving. Little by little, these things occur to the BS, for months after dday. It's horrific.

Yes, could be true for some, for sure.

My WH admitted that his conversations/video chats with EA AP definitely influenced his sexual appetite, which I was used to satisfy… although really it was very unsatisfying for both of us because I was not into sex at that time (and for a long time prior) due to his selfishness and just being exhausted from running a home and working. And then to constantly be pestered about it, ugh!

I think it also worked the other way as well, at least once, that I think I did not compare to the fantasy and he could not perform. Of course I didn’t know this at the time. But after looking back at his timeline and our text conversations at that time, etc.. I realized he was in the height of the relationship with AP when that incident occurred and he had never had a problem like that before.

Sorry you are here and dealing with this. It’s really difficult when you have these realizations.

Well, I have been talking to my husband about it, repeatedly. I am not going to beg for sex anymore it's fucking pitiful.

What does it mean that I should "F" if trying to work this problem out is something he is not willing to do?

He said one of the reasons his sex drive is so low is because I am always yelling at him. Maybe that is true and maybe it is not. I need to stop yelling at him anyway because it makes me feel like a psycho, and being abusive is always wrong, and I am letting myself forget that I am a good person, not because he deserves what he considers a peaceful relationship.

It's good to know I am responsible for my own orgasm, because that's the only way I have one.

My WH had an online affair. It was chock full of sexting, fantasizing, pics & videos. They never met in person.

He used me to relieve his sexual tension. I know this. I've seen the chats between them where she encouraged him to use me. I also know that they liked to fantasize that, while having sex with their spouse, they were with each other instead.

It's easy to accept that our WS used their affair partner -- I don't know why we are always shocked and horrified to learn they use us, too.

I remember reading through endless chats and seeing all of the texts he sent her telling her how much he loved her. And then breaking down in tears when I realized that he actually voiced those words to her on the phone or on Skype. It's so odd how things hit us differently. It's all terrible, and I'm so sorry you're having to process this.

edited to fix a confusing sentence

[This message edited by SadieMae at 5:08 PM, Friday, August 4th]

I see everything right about making good sex (as you define 'good') a requirement for R and dumping the WS if they won't deliver after what the BS considers a reasonable time.

Well everyone, I thought I would post an update.

I gave everything everyone said careful consideration. And I came to the conclusion that I really cannot compete with the thrill an immature person gets from keeping at least a portion of the marriage vows. I also came to the conclusion that even being cheated on does not give you the right to demand someone else's body.

So last night I elbowed my husband and told him I really couldn't stand it anymore getting into bed with him, and both of us having our clothes off, and me not getting any sex. And that from now on, I was going to stop begging and just go ahead and start having sex without him.

Mods, this is where this post might veer off into inappropriate territory. I will leave it up to your discretion as to whether or not it needs to be removed.

In the past, I have refrained from certain activities as much as possible because of my religious beliefs. I also feel VERY self-conscious around my husband because I am acutely aware of the feeling that I am the 2ndFiddle show. But I decided to take matters into my own hands from now on.

For about 20 minutes, I shamelessly (and with great pleasure) "took responsibility for my own orgasm". The kind that only a good set of AA's can really give a woman. After a few minutes, my husband said dryly,"You having a good time over there?"

"Fan-fucking-TASTIC!" I responded with genuine enthusiasm.

"You about done with yourself?"

"Oh don't worry, you'll know when I'm done!"

After "taking responsibility" enough times to feel relaxed and happy, about 10 times to be exact, in fact, I burst into peals of joyful laughter! I mean, I could not stop laughing. And there has been precious little to laugh about lately.

"Feel better?" he asked with no small amount of sarcasm.

"Oh, much!" By now I am completely in tears and verging on hysteria a little bit.

"WHAT are you laughing about?"

"Well, I know this is AWFUL of me, but I'm laughing thinking about all of the pent up tension I'VE had from NOT fucking MYSELF for the past 51 years!"

He did not think that was anywhere near as amusing as I did; I laughed until my sides hurt and was out of breath at myself. It's the most fun I have had since everything happened

[This message edited by 2ndFiddle at 5:46 AM, Sunday, August 6th]

And in all seriousness, thank you so much, Slamsunk and Sadie Mae for sharing your stories. They made things more bearable for me, and both of you are responsible for me being able to see the absurdity of it and have a laugh. It IS really terrible to realize this aspect or that aspect of the affair that really seems to punch you in the gut, I really appreciate your condolences and your honesty about your pain.