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Newest Member: PMSandvig

New Beginnings :
None of us attending the celebration of life

Topic is Sleeping.
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 twicefooled (original poster member #42976) posted at 12:16 AM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

My ex husband died 2 months ago of a drug overdose. We left 10 yrs ago and he never got his life back together. He was mostly an absent father, but he'd pop in every few years to make promises of sobriety. He wrecked havoc on our lives. He became homeless 18 months ago, his mother took him in. He died at her house, traumatizing one more person on his way out. His dad died in March of this year, so I anticipated some sort of crisis. I'd been worrying about getting this call for 10yrs, but I faced it head on and we are all doing fairly well.

Our children are 20yrs (son) and 18 yrs old (daughter). His dad's family has also been mostly absent in their lives, except for a few photo opportunities that they use to show people that they are in my kid's lives. They aren't good people. They are having a Celebration of Life for both my ex and his father in August.

Both children have decided not to go. They have been working with therapists for years, and I've always given them the choice of what to do when it comes to their father. I've been available to help them with a relationship with him but I've also been there to help them stand up for themselves against him and support their wishes of no or low contact. I was willing to go to the Celebration of Life if either of them wanted to go, but truth be told I've been having anxiety attacks thinking of having to deal with his family while simultaneously not coming across as a cold hearted bitch because I'm not sad he's gone.

Our new motto is "no new hurt" He's gone. He can't hurt us anymore. He gave me the beautiful gift of 2 amazing children. But we don't have to pretend he was some saint that did right by his children.

I know that addiction is complicated. I lived with my ex's addiction for a few years before we left. But for someone that had all the support in the world, he just wasn't strong enough.

I do hope that he is now at peace. We are now.

I'm posting because there is life after infidelity and addiction. I have created a lovely and peaceful life for myself and my children without the financial resources of anyone but myself. I'm proud of how far I've come. 10 years ago I felt trapped. Today, I feel free.

May 29 2021 ***reclaimed myself and decided to delete my story with my ex because I'm now 7 years free from him and mentally healthier than I've been in years.

*********When you know better, you can do better*************

posts: 492   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014
id 8800249
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:46 AM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

Look at you and your kids, creating healthy boundaries and sticking to them. I can certainly understand how it feels awkward because societal norms sometimes say you don’t get to protect yourself. But I’m so happy that you all are. Glad to hear things are going well and that the last thing keeping you awake at night is no longer able to do so. I’m sorry it happened this way but glad that you all now are free.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6016   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8800257
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 4:40 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

Ohhhh - I am sorry. I am sorry he was not able to conquer his addiction and be the best father he could for your children. That is all most of us every want from a toxic ex.

But kudos to you! On your work that got you to where you are today as well as you children!!!

Do you anticipate his family will reach out to question if you are coming (or why you didn't)? If so, I would just have something ready to respond with so they don't catch you off-guard.

"IE thank you but we decided to say our own good-byes separately" or whatever.

I am proud of you!!!

posts: 6898   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8800396
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:34 AM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

Your children are very lucky. Blessings to you for being the parent they needed.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13946   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8800510
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 twicefooled (original poster member #42976) posted at 11:05 PM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

Thank you all <3

I spoke with his sister this morning - her and I have always been close. She asked if the kids were going and I said no. She didn't even ask anything further, she just said "I understand" and told me she loved me and will see us soon. That is the kind of response that one should have in this situation.

His other sister called both the kids and myself. We all let it go to voicemail. My kids were both a little upset and waivered a bit. I reminded them that we haven't heard from most of them for years and that absolutely none of them offered any kind of assistance or checked in on us (except for their dad's sister). They've always been invited when photographers were hired, but none of the fun little trips or hangouts like the rest of their cousins.

My daughter has gone to visit her boyfriend's family, and my son and I are going to an event here in our city tomorrow. We will make the day grieving how we wish. No need to "celebrate" anything except renewed confidence that we will all be ok.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

May 29 2021 ***reclaimed myself and decided to delete my story with my ex because I'm now 7 years free from him and mentally healthier than I've been in years.

*********When you know better, you can do better*************

posts: 492   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014
id 8800579
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Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 2:17 PM on Sunday, July 23rd, 2023

You have been a good, supportive mother to your children. I’m sure it wasn’t easy raising them all by yourself, but you’ve obviously done an excellent job.

I think you’re doing the right thing not traumatizing yourself or your kids by going to this celebration. How sad you ex waisted his life, but, as you said, his legacy is his children.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2020
id 8800618
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 twicefooled (original poster member #42976) posted at 10:32 PM on Sunday, July 23rd, 2023

Thank you for all of the kind words. I needed to see them today <3

As expected, the day had some drama to it (not by us). The Celebration is for my ex's paternal side of his family - his mother isn't going and wasn't invited, because she never got on with that side of the family. I texted her today "thinking of you" (because it IS her son and she was posting sad things on Facebook so I wanted to let her know I was thinking of her. She texted back how disappointed she was that the kids were being so disrespectful by not going today. I texted her back that we are protecting our mental health today - there wouldn't even be one for my ex is his dad hadn't died as well. That no one from that side has reached out to any of us since he passed. Disrespect? Not from us.

My son had to block his one cousin because she kept calling and texting over and over again, telling him he's being disrespectful.

I have no idea what their definition of "disrespect" or "respect" is, but family goes both ways in my world. They just don't like that it looks bad that we aren't there. I don't give a shit - their opinion means nothing to us. None of us have been consulted on anything with this Celebration of Life. If it's SO important we were there, why didn't anyone ask for our input?

So today my son and I (and his friends) went to a Pride event that was going on. It was such a positive energy to infuse into our day. We got lots of compliments on our outfits and makeup, and it was just a nice day. My son's partner's mom joined us as well, so it was a true little chosen family moment <3 My daughter is hanging out with her boyfriend and his family camping, so she's also building positive memories today as well.

So our day is peppered with good memories instead of just angry ones today. They won't erase it, but it certainly helps and will forever make me smile :)

[This message edited by twicefooled at 10:34 PM, Sunday, July 23rd]

May 29 2021 ***reclaimed myself and decided to delete my story with my ex because I'm now 7 years free from him and mentally healthier than I've been in years.

*********When you know better, you can do better*************

posts: 492   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014
id 8800653
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 12:33 PM on Tuesday, July 25th, 2023

...his mother isn't going and wasn't invited
...She texted back how disappointed she was that the kids were being so disrespectful by not going today.

Wait - what? The mother who is not even invited has voiced disrespect concerns from your children?

Geez - really?

SMH

Anyway - I am glad you guys stood talk on your decision and did what was right for you.

posts: 6898   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8800814
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 1:24 AM on Wednesday, July 26th, 2023

Very impressive for you and the kids holding firm to boundaries.

My son had to block his one cousin because she kept calling and texting over and over again, telling him he's being disrespectful.

Death does not suddenly make someone a saint, bad people die every day.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3457   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8800927
Topic is Sleeping.
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