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Divorce/Separation :
A question for those who have divorced after a failed reconciliation

Topic is Sleeping.
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 NoThanksForTheMemories (original poster member #83278) posted at 8:27 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2023

I keep going back and forth on what to do. I'm currently attempting to reconcile (see my sig for the tl;dr version), but I frequently have a strong urge to divorce. It's been 8 months since I first learned about the affair, and while he hasn't been a horrible person since (no abuse, no financial misbehavior), he also hasn't given 100% the way I was hoping would happen.

Here are the factors that are stopping me from heading straight to a lawyer: our kid is about to start high school, and she changed schools twice during the pandemic. I worry about destabilizing her life right now (if we D'ed, I would move out and have primary custody). I'm also disabled, so I'm dependent on my spouse's income and health insurance, and moving will be really difficult (physically). We live in an area with a high cost of real estate, so both of us will take a big financial hit from splitting our daily expenses.

Yeah, I didn't mention love or any emotional stuff there. I do still care about him, maybe I love him at some level - it's hard to detach after nearly 30 years of knowing each other. At the same time, I don't *feel* married right now, and I have no desire to be married to him. I don't like using the word "husband" or "spouse" about him, even though it's still legally true, because I don't feel it in my heart like I used to.

Anyway, to get to the question: for those of you who divorced (especially if you tried to reconcile first), I would love to hear your stories. What made you pull the plug? Do you feel like it was the right decision for you? How are your kids (esp older ones) handling the changes?

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 5:01 PM, Tuesday, August 29th]

WH had a 3 yr EA+PA. Dday1 Nov '22. Dday4 Sep '23. 30 years together. Staying for the teenager. Allowing space for R without commitment.

posts: 117   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2023
id 8799755
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Flatlined123 ( member #35862) posted at 12:24 AM on Tuesday, July 18th, 2023

OMG! I literally just posted basically the same question. How do you know to call it quits? I have no answers but wanted you to know I understand.

Me: BS H: WS4 kids DD #1 7-11-08DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.Started R in 12-09"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

posts: 1084   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2012
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:54 AM on Tuesday, July 18th, 2023

I am very sorry you are experiencing continued health challenges.

Am I understanding that your WH was cheating while you were sick?

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8799805
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 NoThanksForTheMemories (original poster member #83278) posted at 6:07 AM on Tuesday, July 18th, 2023

Flatlined, I guess ambivalence is in the air! I'll keep an eye on your thread as well.

Shehawk, yes, his affair started before I got sick and continued through it. He didn't get sick, he didn't break quarantine, and he does help out physically when I need it, but he 100% kept the affair going through it all. That was really hard for me to wrap my head around.

WH had a 3 yr EA+PA. Dday1 Nov '22. Dday4 Sep '23. 30 years together. Staying for the teenager. Allowing space for R without commitment.

posts: 117   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2023
id 8799814
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:39 AM on Tuesday, July 18th, 2023

So sorry to hear about your health struggles. Have you applied for disability? COVID has been added to the conditions that can qualify for disability. It's on a case-by-case basis because of the varying degrees of long term effects. It takes about 2 years.

My XWH didn't do the work to be a safe partner. I'd told him that I would go in 6 month increments to evaluate where we were at but there were certain requirements. He had to do IC to become a safe partner. Any inappropriate contact with another person would be automatic D.

At the 18 month mark from dday1, he confessed to basically sexually assaulting who 3 months prior. At that time, I was done.

We are now D. My oldest said he couldn't believe I stayed for so long. Your DD will survive. Do what you need to do for you. Remember, you are showing her how relationships work.

My children are 28-35 and are doing ok. Their relationship with their dad is their responsibility. XWH is a covert narc, so we were always walking on egg shells. He's also an emotional vampire and VERY negative. They're glad they don't have to deal with him often since he's moved out of state.

In one regard, my situation is a bit different. I make more than XWH. I have up my claim to his pension so I wouldn't have to pay spousal support.

FWIW, I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary. It was definitely the right decision for me. My life is so peaceful. I feel a contentment that I haven't felt in years. Frankly, I should have pulled the plug 20 years ago.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8799815
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 8:17 PM on Tuesday, July 18th, 2023

I'm also disabled from covid and can't work, so I'm dependent on my spouse's income and health insurance, and moving will be really difficult (physically). We live in an area with a high cost of real estate, so both of us will take a big financial hit from splitting our daily expenses.

This does not answer your question, but you should go see a lawyer before you make your final decision. The above-quote contains a lot of information that would significantly impact your divorce resolution in my location... but perhaps not ALL locations.

To answer your question, it sounds like you need to leave. He crossed a line that he cannot uncross. I said this in the other thread... I often hear of people who regret not divorcing, but few people who regret divorcing.

Me: Crap, I'm 50 years old. D-Day: August 30, 2016. Two years of false reconciliation. Divorce final: Feb 1, 2021. Re-married: December 3, 2022.

posts: 5419   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
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 NoThanksForTheMemories (original poster member #83278) posted at 2:00 AM on Wednesday, July 19th, 2023

So sorry to hear about your health struggles. Have you applied for disability? COVID has been added to the conditions that can qualify for disability. It's on a case-by-case basis because of the varying degrees of long term effects. It takes about 2 years.

We have enough assets and income that I don't qualify for disability, and I wouldn't even if we were split up. I think I'll be okay financially if we split up, at least for a while, but it will be a much harder life. Once upon a time, I earned more than WS. :(

This does not answer your question, but you should go see a lawyer before you make your final decision. The above-quote contains a lot of information that would significantly impact your divorce resolution in my location... but perhaps not ALL locations.

I consulted with a lawyer back in February, when I wanted to understand my options - post nup vs. separation vs. divorce. Yes, I would get alimony as long as WS is employed, but the startup where he works isn't exactly financially stable, so the alimony amount would depend on whether he was employed at the time of the divorce.

WH had a 3 yr EA+PA. Dday1 Nov '22. Dday4 Sep '23. 30 years together. Staying for the teenager. Allowing space for R without commitment.

posts: 117   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2023
id 8799964
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:40 AM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

You probably already checked things out. But some people may not know this…Disability is earned from working. It is insurance that you can get for your and your children regardless of your family income. So if you worked and had enough credits paid in you could apply. Social Security Disability is not the same as SSI.

I finally had enough and I left and filed for D. I am not going to sugar coat it. It was the hardest thing I have done in my life. It was not easy for me or other members of our family. We were all deeply hurt by wh’s choices and actions.

I needed to be strategic and take excellent care of myself and gain every legal advantage. I faltered too much. I was much too concerned with being good to WH. It did cost me financially to D. But I personally could not live with a man who was not safe for me any more.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8800125
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 NoThanksForTheMemories (original poster member #83278) posted at 5:30 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

Thanks, Shehawk. I didn't consider disability pay via insurance from previous work. I will look into that.

I won't say that I feel unsafe with my WS, but I do feel empty and unfulfilled. I'm just not sure if I'll feel any better after divorce. It won't be easy for me to date or find someone else, and as in your case, divorce will be a painful experience for everyone, including our families. I'm worried that I'm looking at divorce as a "grass is greener on the other side" when maybe it's just a different kind of empty.

WH had a 3 yr EA+PA. Dday1 Nov '22. Dday4 Sep '23. 30 years together. Staying for the teenager. Allowing space for R without commitment.

posts: 117   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2023
id 8800428
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Flatlined123 ( member #35862) posted at 5:54 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

No Thanks…..🥺 I hear you! You are saying so much of that I feel. You got it on the head by saying is it a grass is greener mentality? This is just so f@#king hard!! This is not how our lives were supposed to be!😭

Me: BS H: WS4 kids DD #1 7-11-08DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.Started R in 12-09"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

posts: 1084   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2012
id 8800431
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Fantasm ( new member #83396) posted at 2:06 AM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

I'm still full of adrenaline, so please take whatever I say with a cup of salt!

Today I decided to get a divorce after trying to reconcile for over a year.

Things never improved after the affair, we fell into a lull. I became passive unable to bring myself to improve our relationship when she herself was putting in no effort. She became more and more selfish and slowly more distant.

Divorce crossed my mind on a weekly basis, but the reality made it so much harder, the dog, sharing a car, renting a property owned by her family, isolated with no friends or family close by, the 8 years together.

Her parents knew what she did, and did whatever they could at the beginning to support me. I was too ashamed to tell my family knowing that they would never forgive her and try to separate us.

Last night my decision was made for me, I caught her sexting and sharing footage of us having sex.

I felt shock, panic, anger   and then, joy? I felt strangely free and wondered why I didn't pull the trigger sooner, knowing  deep down it was never going to work out.

Without a doubt her reason for sexting was due to our broken relationship and it was only a matter of time. I just wish I stepped up and made the decision before it got to that.

So yeah, not sure if my story will help but it is fresh off the press!

posts: 7   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2023
id 8800480
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StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 12:46 AM on Monday, July 24th, 2023

I know exactly that feeling. I attempted reconciliation for all of the wrong reasons. Youngest had less that a year before graduating, spent all those years together, money, etc.

My only regret is that I didn't follow my gut and D him on the spot. I wasted so much time with someone who just wasn't worth my time and energy.

If your kid knows, you risk 1) the loss of respect for you, and 2) he/she will learn that cheating is ok.

Maybe there is a happy medium. If I had to do it over, I wouldn't immediately divorce, but I would take all the time I needed to get my ducks in a row. That should buy you time to get your kid in a more stable mindframe.

I only wasted a few months in reconciliation, but I could have used that time to get my shit together sooner than I did instead of wasting energy and mindspace on my worthless ex.
The kids were ok, matter of fact, they would have benefitted .ore if I'd left him sooner. Both lost a little respect for me for attempting reconciliation. The good news is that both regained their respect when I went scorched earth on their father.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 12:48 AM, Monday, July 24th]

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

posts: 6099   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8800661
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 2:10 AM on Monday, July 24th, 2023

In the US disability (unable to work) from SS has nothing to do with assets or income. If you have 10 years of employment and paid into SS, you can qualify for social security disability income.

This is different from other types of social security benefits that do rely on assets and income.

Please call SS and schedule an appointment to speak to someone about your disability due to Covid that is preventing you from working.

Best of luck. PM me if you need some help.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13970   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8800665
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 NoThanksForTheMemories (original poster member #83278) posted at 5:33 PM on Monday, July 24th, 2023

Today I decided to get a divorce after trying to reconcile for over a year.

Thanks for sharing, Fantasm. It sounds like she wasn't interested in repairing the relationship. I'm glad it feels like a joyful decision!

If your kid knows, you risk 1) the loss of respect for you, and 2) he/she will learn that cheating is ok.

Maybe there is a happy medium. If I had to do it over, I wouldn't immediately divorce, but I would take all the time I needed to get my ducks in a row. That should buy you time to get your kid in a more stable mindframe.

Kid doesn't know. I'm sure she senses that something is off, but things have been off for years (it was a nearly 3 year long affair), plus my health problems, so she probably ascribes it to reasons other than "mom found out that dad was having an affair".

I'm strongly considering the second part - trying to figure out if I can find work that I can actually do or if I can collect disability. Also looking at options for where to live and thinking through custody arrangements. I'll be honest - losing his help physically will be hard, and that's one of the factors that's leading me to delay. It's possible that I will recover from this illness at some point (in years, not months), at least enough to better manage daily life. It is hard for me to drive or go grocery shopping or cook and clean. Having live-in help, even in the form of a WS, is good for my body (tho it sucks for my mental health).

WH had a 3 yr EA+PA. Dday1 Nov '22. Dday4 Sep '23. 30 years together. Staying for the teenager. Allowing space for R without commitment.

posts: 117   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2023
id 8800729
Topic is Sleeping.
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