SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m not sure if this belongs here or in Separation/Divorce but here we go… Perspective would be so appreciated.

The not so short background: My husband, together 15 years, spent the last three in the throes of addiction, recovery, repeat. During a longish period of sobriety we got pregnant with our first child- he relapsed two months into it and went to treatment for a month.

When he got out is where the real trouble began. It seemed that despite the 12 step programs, meetings almost daily, therapy with an addiction specialist, working the steps etc, his addiction didn’t leave but shifted to sex addiction. When I was 8 months pregnant I was informed by someone he matched with on a dating site. When I was a few weeks post partum I discovered texts soliciting and visiting prostitutes a week before I delivered and right after I delivered. The next month more online dating, and finally in May he brought someone to my home while I was out and slept with her.

It was at that point we separated completely. He was diagnosed bipolar and put on medication. Says all the right things, "wants his family back" etc. but as recently as July 3rd found him on a dating site again. Over and over it feels like, and I know while deep inside he is sick he is not a monster and perhaps there is some hope if he works a strong and honest program when he is ready to do so.

So here is my challenge. I have a postnup almost done for my and my daughters protection. I am willing to wait on filing and see where he is at in a few months- he will either straighten up or spiral and I’m willing to keep an open mind if my gut says to try to reconcile- if that happens we would begin couples counseling and see if there is something there to salvage when he is in a place where he can even start working on something outside of himself.

Something, maybe it’s ridiculous, but it weighs on me so strongly is that we were high school sweethearts. We had only ever been with each other and it was just the ultimate betrayal to have him break that sacred and special bond with other women. Images of what he’s done and how and with who are borderline obsessively running through my brain nonstop.

Whether we reconcile or not, the thought of him as my one and only bothers me when I am not his. Maybe immaturity on my part? I’m not sure but it won’t leave me.

My question is- would it be wrong to experience casually seeing other people while he figures his stuff out? I feel like I will always be angry about it if I don’t and we get back together.

I have been working as a RN on a dual unit the last 3 years and can say that an addict will say anything. They have to show you progress. That and no program in the world will help until they for real want it to more than they want their addiction.

I don't think it's immature about being hurt because he's your only. My wife is my only since we were 16. We are in a good place but it still hurts in a way that feels lonely. Hard to describe.

I think it absolutely is a bad idea to see other people until you've ended the relationship. It doesn't seem fair but if you're done and want to see other people, be done and do that.

It’s not immaturity, it’s the injustice. When you marry someone, you sacrifice a part of you for the other, and part of that is being with other people. I’m willing to bet being with anyone else never crossed your mind until all of this came to light. It’s very common for BS to go through these feelings. It’s a controversial topic, many say no, many say go ahead. Some BS say that being with someone else was the only way to even the playing field for them and allowed them to R successfully. Some say it was awful and they only just used the other person and it made them feel worse. I personally believe that as I am married, I still have to uphold my vows regardless of what my WW did. Just because she failed, doesn’t give me the right to as well. That is just my opinion though and only applies to me.

My personal recommendation as you are preparing to D. Think of D as a business decision not an emotional one. You need to set up yourself. Don’t give him any fuel to burn you. Having a boyfriend or two while going through D could very easily make your life harder. Don’t make any assumptions about what he won’t do. It’s a mistake many people make, assume their spouse won’t suddenly become vindictive during D proceedings. He has already shown you that he will make decisions that could harm you and could have harmed your child. Imagine if you had gotten an STI while pregnant! Also, with his mental state, are you risking yourself or any potential partners? Even though he is a massive cheater, I’ve known plenty of men who’ve lost their shit at their wife doing the same back to them.

If you want to be with others, end your relationship, take care of yourself, get back on your feet and then date again once you’re through the awful storm that is infidelity.

Whether we reconcile or not, the thought of him as my one and only bothers me when I am not his. Maybe immaturity on my part? I’m not sure but it won’t leave me.

My question is- would it be wrong to experience casually seeing other people while he figures his stuff out? I feel like I will always be angry about it if I don’t and we get back together.

I suggest you start the process - get the ducks all in a row now. IF he sorts out himself (via any counseling or whatever) you can stop the process or not follow to completion.

Seems to me the Creek you are standing in is muddy enough - adding others (2nd quote above) will just add more mud.

Hope you have been seeing your physician and abstaining from the "prostitute visitor" - Yes?

Regarding first quote - time will heal some of the hurt but not likely to ever dampen the disappointment. What you are saying about "first one and only" - happens here often (as others have posted) - your "bother" is due (I think) to your standard of integrity. I say don't let his shortcoming be your burden to bear.

I don't know much about addiction, but even cursory reading seems to show that recovery is often, maybe even usually, a cycle of steps forward and steps back, with no guarantee of recovery.

Are you willing to go through that?

What is different for your H this time? If his approach isn't different from his previous attempts at rehab, is it reasonable to expect a different outcome?

*****

would it be wrong to experience casually seeing other people while he figures his stuff out?

What does 'casually seeing other people mean' mean? Coffee? Lunch? Dinner? Kisses? Heavy petting? Intercourse?

I understand your thinking. Breaking the one-and-only boundary is awful. But IMO, becoming a madhatter will make it significantly more difficult to heal yourself, and that will make it much more difficult to R.

My reco is to decide between D & R. If you decide to D, you'll have plenty of opportunities to satisfy your curiosity.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:29 PM, Sunday, July 16th]

Whether we reconcile or not, the thought of him as my one and only bothers me when I am not his. Maybe immaturity on my part? I’m not sure but it won’t leave me.

I get it. My H and I were not each other's firsts, but we married young (20 and 21) and I thought that OUR first kiss would be the last first kiss for either of us. That ours wasn't his last first kiss really hurts me sometimes.

would it be wrong to experience casually seeing other people while he figures his stuff out? I feel like I will always be angry about it if I don’t and we get back together.

I'm gonna be honest here, having had lots of heartbreaking experience with addicts. The odds that he's going to overcome his addictions enough to be a solid partner and parent aren't great. I think that it would be wise for you to proceed with the D as if he's never going to get better. If he does get sober and you both want to rekindle the relationship later, you can certainly do that. But I think that you should free yourself from today's insanity. Once you're D'ed, you can date all you like.

Thank you for the thoughtful responses.

I guess to be more clear- I am not interested in dating, a boyfriend, a relationship. To be blunt- just to sleep with someone.

And for better or worse I did just that. I sat my WH down as we were swapping custody and I told him how I was feeling. How he is an unsafe partner and I am not interested at this time of being in a monogamous relationship with him- as he has proven he can’t be faithful in one. I also told him the hurt and pain of the moral injury of it all- that he had been in every intimate moment I have ever had- but I am no longer a part of his. I told him I intended to see other people, and if he gets to a place where he is able to be a safe partner I’d be willing to look at our relationship and if it can be salvaged with a professional at that time.

I was also honest with the partner I slept with. That while we were no longer together, living together, intimate in anyway, that I was technically still married. And he was okay with that.

I know this probably wasn’t a normal or even particularly healthy choice. However I will say, it was a welcome distraction- it helped heal my demolished ego and distracted me from thinking and obsessing over my WH, his deeds and his journey while allowing me to move forward. Time will tell if this was a mistake or a gift.

Honestly, I don't see a problem here. You're separated; you were honest with H; you were honest with the guy; you're not betraying your own morals.

I'm interested to see how you feel about it down the line.

I am too, SacredSoul. Advice from my therapist was so proceed, though with caution. To make sure that I am still processing what happened, practicing generous self care, and filling my own cup and growing to love and trust myself. This physical relationship can’t be used to fill that or I’d feel only worse.

I was really surprised at my ability to see it as just sex- but that’s exactly how it felt and what I was hoping. It took some of the sting away of the sacredness my husband had violated.

I will definitely check back in after it’s really sunk in. I also acknowledge that this would not be for everyone. I’m just done being "perfect". I did everything right and expected of me and it still led me here- so I don’t feel guilty (with full transparency to all parties- something I was not given) at this point trying something radically outside my normal.

If you are going to R, you need to fully commit to R.
The old 2 wrongs don't make a right is definitely something to consider here. Would you rather walk away knowing you were true to your vows the entire time, and did not compromise your Post-nup or your own values, or get the attention of another to just pacify your pain.

Life is not fair, and life is tough. You are hurt, you have sustained a serious trauma and then another. Getting involved w/ someone else is NOT a good thing. You have to heal yourself. You have to deal with the traumas he has put you through, and heal your own heart. Get healthy mentally and physically.

I would also encourage you to consider and get some therapy w/ someone who has dealt with addiction, and relationships w/ addicts. You need to get a clear picture of what the rest of your life would like if you choose to stay or what leaving looks like to you.

Tushnurse- I do agree with so much of your post. From February through July- discovery to discovery to discovery to discovery- while I was upset I was loyal, steadfast and upfront with him. There was nothing on Earth I wanted more than him to get better and for us to reconcile. After the last one though- I am accepting that he will be a safe partner on his timeline- not on mine annd not right now. I have realized I am no longer waiting on him to be ready- without which makes reconciliation impossible. If it happens it happens but I am not waiting in this gray area for him to want to be monogamous any longer.

Also would add that my therapist of three years does specialize in addiction- which has been such a god send navigating this. I am also an active member in Naranon (a support group for family members of addicts) and have been committed to the program, and working the steps with my sponsor for the last 3 years. It has helped me gain a lot of clarity and understanding of addiction and myself.