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Newest Member: KRE74

Divorce/Separation :
Desperate for Advice during Separation

Topic is Sleeping.
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 NeedingGrace (original poster new member #83260) posted at 6:19 PM on Saturday, July 15th, 2023

I’m not sure if this belongs here or in Reconciliation but here we go… Perspective would be so appreciated.

The not so short background: My husband, together 15 years, spent the last three in the throes of addiction, recovery, repeat. During a longish period of sobriety we got pregnant with our first child- he relapsed two months into it and went to treatment for a month.

When he got out is where the real trouble began. It seemed that despite the 12 step programs, meetings almost daily, therapy with an addiction specialist, working the steps etc, his addiction didn’t leave but shifted to sex addiction. When I was 8 months pregnant I was informed by someone he matched with on a dating site. When I was a few weeks post partum I discovered texts soliciting and visiting prostitutes a week before I delivered and right after I delivered. The next month more online dating, and finally in May he brought someone to my home while I was out and slept with her.

It was at that point we separated completely. He was diagnosed bipolar and put on medication. Says all the right things, "wants his family back" etc. but as recently as July 3rd found him on a dating site again. Over and over it feels like, and I know while deep inside he is sick he is not a monster and perhaps there is some hope if he works a strong and honest program when he is ready to do so.


So here is my challenge. I have a postnup almost done for my and my daughters protection. I am willing to wait on filing and see where he is at in a few months- he will either straighten up or spiral and I’m willing to keep an open mind if my gut says to try to reconcile- if that happens we would begin couples counseling and see if there is something there to salvage when he is in a place where he can even start working on something outside of himself.

something, maybe it’s ridiculous, but it weighs on me so strongly is that we were high school sweethearts. We had only ever been with each other and it was just the ultimate betrayal to have him break that sacred and special bond with other women. Images of what he’s done and how and with who are borderline obsessively running through my brain nonstop.

Whether we reconcile or not, the thought of him as my one and only bothers me when I am not his. Maybe immaturity on my part? I’m not sure but it won’t leave me.

My question is- would it be wrong to experience casually seeing other people while he figures his stuff out?

posts: 19   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2023
id 8799540
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:49 PM on Saturday, July 15th, 2023

Why don't you end the relationship? Then you can date without compromising values. If you find somebody to date, that's great. If your WH straightens out and you reconcile, that's fine, too.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3575   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8799546
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 NeedingGrace (original poster new member #83260) posted at 11:25 PM on Saturday, July 15th, 2023

Maybe it’s vindictive. I’m not sure :(

posts: 19   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2023
id 8799561
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 12:08 AM on Sunday, July 16th, 2023

What has helped me the most is to work on healing myself and taking exquisite care of myself.

My can’t be ex husband soon enough’s actions had an addictive quality. Honestly I should have divorced him the first time I found out. What stopped me was my false belief that it was a final
Goodbye. It would not have been if he fixed what was broken that made lie cheat and risk my life and that of our unborn children.

Of course I am not perfect. I had things to learn about marriage and life. But the honest response to an imperfect marriage was not to cheat.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1676   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8799562
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 3:17 AM on Sunday, July 16th, 2023

Needing Grace:

My question is- would it be wrong to experience casually seeing other people while he figures his stuff out?

I 2nd the post by leafields.


I would say that seeing other in a group situation is fine. One on one - not so fine.

Others likely have differing assessment.


Maybe a stretch would be - say - having lunch together on an odd occasion. smile

There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery.If you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, why not bungee jumping off a bridge span? For an extra thrill, don’t anchor the cord.

posts: 911   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8799573
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woodsracer ( member #83407) posted at 2:38 AM on Tuesday, August 1st, 2023

What will happen if he ask if you saw others while apart?

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2023
id 8801755
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 NeedingGrace (original poster new member #83260) posted at 7:50 PM on Tuesday, August 1st, 2023

To see someone else behind his back would be doing exactly what he did.

What I ended up doing is sitting him down and sharing this overwhelming feeling with him. I told him that I was interested in seeing other people- and wouldn’t hold him doing to same against him if he chose to. That until he could be a safe partner, I don’t consider us together.

Then I found someone and slept with them. I broke it off a day or so later- I have no desire to do that again with them or anyone else. My WH asked pretty pointedly a few days later if I had been with someone else and I told him I had.

It’s been a few weeks and the obsession reel of what he did has, almost in its entirety, stopped. I no longer get physical chills when I enter the guest room he cheated on me in. I don’t really think about it much at all. It definitely isn’t for everyone, but today at least I feel it did help me move forward and it did take the sting away from what he did to me somehow.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2023
id 8801824
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 8:02 PM on Tuesday, August 1st, 2023

IMO when a M hits this point where there is addiction on one end and a revenge A on the other I'm not sure a M is worth saving. There is so much disrespect and baggage. I too had a revenge A and told my xWS before I was going to do it (veiled threat then follow through). Like you it did take the sting out of his A and I also didn't want to repeat my behavior. My xWS went on to have more A's later in the M. I did not. I found myself in limbo after False R because of my fear of breaking up our family, but in the end I did exactly that as I couldn't bear another day in my M. I couldn't let go of his A's and couldn't live with his personality disorder (he is NPD diagnosed).

Living with an addict is detrimental to your health and the health of the M. It depends on how much you love him, how much work he is willing to put in, and if there is respect between both parties to resurrect it.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8801828
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 NeedingGrace (original poster new member #83260) posted at 5:07 PM on Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023

IMO when a M hits this point where there is addiction on one end and a revenge A on the other I'm not sure a M is worth saving. There is so much disrespect and baggage.

I’ve heard the term "revenge affair" a few times. I hope this doesn’t come off as defensive… but that’s not what I would consider what I did.

We live in separate residences, we are not intimate and I was clear that I was not in a relationship with him outside of coparenting our daughter. I also didn’t do it in the spirit of hurting him. I did it to try to heal myself.

I would think a revenge affair would be going behind a partners back to cheat when you have agreed to be in a monogamous relationship (affair) to pay them back for hurting you (revenge)?

New to this so maybe I can’t see the forest for the trees…

posts: 19   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2023
id 8801929
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Jajaynumb ( member #83674) posted at 9:06 AM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023

I agree that it doesn’t sound like a revenge A. You’re not in R you’re moving on and wanted to try a casual relationship. Nothing wrong with it.

https://library.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661294/worse-than-hell-yes-its-all-true/

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8803371
Topic is Sleeping.
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