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Newest Member: onthefence2024

Divorce/Separation :

Topic is Sleeping.

 Summertime22 (original poster member #79796) posted at 8:44 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

Hi everyone at SI

It’s been a long time since I posted on here for myself. My dday was 18 months ago. I hope I am posting in the right forum. Forgive me if it isn’t the right forum!

I just wanted to get some advice re nightmares and feeling like I am still stuck feeling angry and resentful. Mostly it’s the nightmares I would like advice about and if this is normal? Especially well over a year later?

I was absolutely devastated for a long time post dday as my ex left me for the OW. It’s a long story but it was very unexpected. We were making very big life plans. It was a huge shock. He was also covertly emotionally abusive (I know now). I was a mess for about 11 months in total. I’ve had NC since Sept last year. I guess I thought I would be fully healed by now. I did all of the right things, IC for a long time and hobbies, yoga etc. I even have a new and very caring partner (early days, taking it slow). My new partner knows about my ex and what happened. He is very understanding.

I just have a lot of nightmares. I dream of him and her. At least weekly and often more. They are really detailed dreams where the OW talks to me. I know it sounds crazy, maybe I am crazy! I’m embarrassed to admit them but feel ok saying it here. The dreams are very upsetting. I know that I am still getting over what happened.

Has anyone else experienced this? I still feel angry. I never saw him again after dday. It was a brutal discard.

Thank you. Just talking about the nightmares here really helps! I would be really grateful for any advice you may have. I was hoping they would go away but they aren’t. I don’t feel able to talk to anyone else about this.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8799165

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 8:53 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

This is totally normal. Sleep is so important because that's when our bodies and minds and hearts heal. Your brain is trying to logically work through things. It is tough. If you are not getting good quality sleep or the dreams are waking you and preventing you from going back to sleep definitely have a discussion w/ your Dr.

No matter what path you choose to walk post DDay, be it D or S, or R, you still have had major trauma. It takes a long time to heal from that shit. Maybe try going back to IC for a bit to see if it quiets the monster in your head.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20191   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8799167

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:01 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

Normal— 18 months isn’t that long, really.

Keep doing what you are doing. It just takes some time.
IC can help — but what you are experiencing is totally norma.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6025   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8799168

 Summertime22 (original poster member #79796) posted at 9:13 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

Thank you both so much tush nurse and BB.

It so reassuring to know that this is normal. It’s Such a relief to know that. I honestly am so grateful for this forum. I couldn’t speak to my friends about this.

Thank you.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8799170

Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 12:45 AM on Thursday, July 13th, 2023

I wanted to express empathy and send ((virtual hugs)).

I have experienced horrific nightmares. I too was brutally discarded. It was very traumatic for me.
They flare up for me when I am dealing with things to do with him as I D him.

I wish you peace and healing.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1663   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8799184

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 2:36 AM on Thursday, July 13th, 2023

Yes this is very normal. I am 3 years out from leaving and still get the occasional nightmare about the ex. I believe it is our mind processing what happened. Doesn’t make it any easier I know. Sometimes it will stay with me throughout the day. They do lessen over time. My nightmares were more frequent 1-2 years out. Now it’s like 1 every few months.

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014

posts: 8804   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8799189

Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 3:28 AM on Thursday, July 13th, 2023

This is very normal. It's your brain processing what happened to you. This will sound weird but my EXH died in October, unexpectedly. I've been divorced from him for 30 years. And yet I keep having dreams about him since he died. I think it's my brain processing the loss of someone who was a big part of my life. Even though I lost him so many years ago, this was now permanent.

posts: 1728   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8799195

 Summertime22 (original poster member #79796) posted at 11:56 AM on Tuesday, July 18th, 2023

Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate it. It’s such a relief to know that this is normal. So glad I have this forum to ask questions. 😄

posts: 266   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8799824

survrus ( member #67698) posted at 7:02 PM on Thursday, July 27th, 2023


Very normal, if you didn't have nightmares about such a huge trauma I would be worried.

I have them more rarely now, but when I was rugsweeping for years I would have them regularly.

Some of them were where my WW told me she had cheated or implied that she did and I just had to accept it, in the dreams I remember, decades later, how powerless I felt.

It felt great to wake up, although some made me feel off all day long as they seemed hyper real.

My neighbor lady says she still have dreams where her alcoholic perfectionist ex-H and her are remarried.

Yep your sanity is intact.

posts: 1487   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8801104
Topic is Sleeping.
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