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Newest Member: Issyibbitt

Wayward Side :
I need help...

Topic is Sleeping.
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 WTDIEC (original poster new member #80750) posted at 1:20 PM on Sunday, July 9th, 2023

It has been almost a year since I posted last but me and hubby seem to be stuck.

More me than hubby, we had a baby in May he was a surprise baby.

But I am stuck I don't know what has me stuck so I can't explain it.

While I was pregnant I admit I stopped trying and just focused on staying healthy for the baby.

Now I don't even know how to make hubby feel like he is very important to me and wanted by me.

We have been sexual maybe 4x since I was pregnant.

I keep reverting back to me, my wants, my needs then I mentally tell myself off and tell myself it's about him. Hubby and kids come first.

Yet I don't even know how to make him feel wanted by me and try to help him.

I know I'm the one who cheated and I've got lots of work to do but I don't know how to help him.

I can't forgive myself. I don't expect hubby to.

I don't know if I can even move past what I did.

I don't know how hubby can even stand to look at me let alone be in the same house as me.

I feel that if hubby had family/friends he could go to that he would have. (We have both gone NC/LC with our families as they are toxic as hell)

I feel like I've trapped hubby in this life and have made him feel like he has no other choice.

Please help me

Edit: I think part of it is that I've never felt like I was attractive.

No matter how much hubby would tell me I was.

It never truly stuck.

I know that lack of self like is part of the reason I cheated and also because I'm a horrible human being.

To this day I still don't feel attractive. Just the idea of thinking of myself as attractive weirds me the f*** out.

All this has made me realise I'm better off isolated from people. I used to be a halfway decent person then I shattered and betrayed hubby all because I un-isolated myself.

I don't deserve him and he did NOT deserve what I did to him

[This message edited by WTDIEC at 2:13 PM, Sunday, July 9th]

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 3 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 40   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8798770
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veryconfused ( member #56933) posted at 3:34 PM on Sunday, July 9th, 2023

If you want to help your hubby, first you need to fix you. Seriously! Take time and work on you! FYI- There have been a rash of discussion boards related to doing the work lately. Look them up and read through. Great advice there. Remember, you can not give something you do not have.

By the sounds of it, you need to love yourself. Lying to both AP and Hubby in order to get ego kibble, and all the drama just screams for the need of self improvement.

Congratulations on the new family member! Maybe not the best time, but what a blessing! So, if you haven’t done anything to fix you yet, then do it for that child. Our children pick up those routines and habits from us. The good, and the bad. That is what feels right to them as they are comfortable.

I hope the thoughts came through well enough (no coffee yet)

posts: 283   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2017   ·   location: Mid West
id 8798781
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:49 PM on Sunday, July 9th, 2023

You can't make your H feel wanted.

The best you can do is ask him how he knows you do or do not want him and do more of what says you do and less of what says you don't.

This is a delicate time for you. Your baby truly needs you - it's life/death for him. Your H has to defer to his baby's needs. By finding out what he wants, you can make the best use of your energy in showing that you want him.

And what veryconfused wrote....

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:50 PM, Sunday, July 9th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29994   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8798785
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 5:14 PM on Sunday, July 9th, 2023

As the others have wisely said, you need to figure yourself out for now. Allowing yourself to get buried in feeling shitty about who you are isn't going to help anyone, least of all your spouse and kids. In fact, it will have the opposite effect. What they need most from you right now is to pick up the pieces of yourself and get put back together again. So make that your priority.

All this has made me realize I'm better off isolated from people. I used to be a halfway decent person then I shattered and betrayed hubby all because I un-isolated myself.

I'm curious about this. How, and why, were you isolating yourself from the world? I mean, I know COVID and all... but this sounds possibly more like you were already isolating yourself from others. Is this again because you feel that you don't deserve love or respect from others?

You know, you reasoned that un-isolating yourself was the problem. But are you sure? Imagine a woman lost in the desert for days without water, when she comes upon a oasis. What do expect someone in that position will do? Will they calmly get a glass and gently sip some water? Or will they jump into the oasis and drink ravenously? Is it possible that, as someone who hasn't gotten out and been with other people lately, part of the problem was that you "overcompensated" and wanted more attention from others than was reasonable?

Most affairs start, not because of poor marriages, not because we're shitty people at heart, but because we see so little in ourselves that we become desperate for someone or something to make us feel just a little better about ourselves, even if that means it's artificial. We drink ravenously because we feel as though our very survival relies on it. We have affairs because we lose the ability to see outside of ourselves and our own needs, and can only focus on what we need in that moment.

We could talk all day about else "could" have happened, but the time for that has passed. For now, your main job is to work on those "why's". Figure out WHY you had an affair and what you needed to get from it. Once you do that, you can then figure out the changes you need to make so that you aren't in that same place ever again.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1436   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8798791
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 WTDIEC (original poster new member #80750) posted at 6:13 PM on Sunday, July 9th, 2023

@DaddyDom

To answer your question I was socially isolated most of my life, either by my parent or by my choice, went through a phase of fast and overwhelming social interaction as a teen where I made a lot of mistakes and put myself in some very dangerous situations then met my hubby and went back to isolation. I guess it's where I have always been and don't really understand how to socialise without taking it too far

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 3 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 40   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8798795
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 7:09 PM on Sunday, July 9th, 2023

Have you explored seeing a therapist? Is that an option for you?

The way you reply to things reminds me a lot of myself, and of others on this site. It all really comes down to how we see ourselves and how we feel about ourselves. When we feel as though "we are enough" then there is no need to "go too far" when we interact with others. If we go back to the desert example, if that same person had some canteens with them in the first place, then they wouldn't have been desperate for water when they got there. They could then drink normally. For people like us, who fall into infidelity, we need to learn to create our own value internally, not depend on others to create it for us. This can be a really scary concept at first... that's okay. Learning to love yourself will never harm you.

Just like losing weight or starting to workout, getting the nerve and the commitment to get started is usually the hardest part.

Look for a therapist who specializes in trauma, depression and anxiety as these are typically the most common issues that lead to poor self-image. Tell them exactly what you said here... that you fear leaving isolation and that you tend to overdo it when you try to. Discuss how the affair came about as well. And see what they say?

Please don't allow yourself to "give up" and "wallow". That's what a lot of WS's end up doing rather than reaching for help. You don't want to feel like this forever and your spouse and kids sure as hell don't want you to feel this way either. They want a wife and a mother who is alive and who can share in life and in joy with them, and you cant do that when you feel "less than".

If your child needed a kidney, would you donate one?
If your husband got sick, would you care for him?
If your family was starving, would you share your last piece of bread with them?

The truth is, your family needs you to be emotionally healthy again. So if you would take a bullet for someone you love, then understand that your inability to love yourself is a bullet that is going to hurt your family as much as yourself. The best way to love and support them, is to love and support yourself first. Focus on this. DO something about it.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1436   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8798800
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 WTDIEC (original poster new member #80750) posted at 10:03 PM on Sunday, July 9th, 2023

@DaddyDom

I have been on a wait list for a permanent therapist for ages now. Currently I can only get temporary ones that only last 6 months, or 10 sessions before you have to pay out the ass and we don't have the funds for it. The public healthcare system for mental health here is f-ed.

I grew up with constant trauma that I thought was normal. There was emotional, physical and sexual trauma at every turn growing up, I even had to become parent to my younger siblings and I only escaped it all after moving in with hubby and by then I was pregnant with our eldest child. I've never truly been alone or had to really think for myself.

[This message edited by WTDIEC at 10:11 PM, Sunday, July 9th]

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 3 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 40   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8798813
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 10:16 PM on Sunday, July 9th, 2023

Book recommendation: Rising Strong by Brene Brown.

This will explain yourself to you. You are filled with shame and everything in your life is filtered through that. It helped me tremendously when I was stuck in very much the way you describe.

You are divinely loved and supported, and have inherent worth. It’s time for you to FEEL that. Because no matter where you go you are going to take this with you.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7259   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8798818
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 WTDIEC (original poster new member #80750) posted at 10:25 PM on Sunday, July 9th, 2023

Can't read books anymore.

It used to be the one thing I loved to do since childhood but many different things have ruined it and turned it into a block for me. My own perceptions of things ruined it the most. I'll just try for a therapist

[This message edited by WTDIEC at 10:28 PM, Sunday, July 9th]

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 3 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 40   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8798821
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 11:35 PM on Sunday, July 9th, 2023

I have been on a wait list for a permanent therapist for ages now

Got it. Good for you however for making the effort to seek support elsewhere, such as SI. I can second "Rising Strong" but if reading is not your thing, there are also excellent videos you can try. Brene Brown has a clip on youtube where she discusses vulnerability, it's worth a watch.

I grew up with constant trauma that I thought was normal. There was emotional, physical and sexual trauma at every turn growing up

You and I share this same background story. If you are like me, you may have taken all that stuff and "shoved it in a box" somewhere in the back of your mind, then dismissed it as "not important" and figured it was over and done with. I did that for 50 years, then out of the blue and without any warning, it exploded. And the result was not good.

You never really had a childhood. You weren't protected like a child should be. When a child grows up with that kind of constant trauma and lack of protection, you don't end up establishing healthy relationships, and as you said so well... trauma and abuse just becomes your "normal". And we always seek out our normal in life, no matter how awful it was. It can be very confusing to understand both why and how someone else could love us and what actual, healthy love looks like, because growing up, we learned that we have no value unless we give someone else what they want. We don't set healthy boundaries. We take risks when we shouldn't. We lack true empathy. We don't have these things because they were never modeled for us to begin with. Sadly, these are the tools we used as children in order to survive. We learn to compartmentalize everything and please others. But those skills that kept you alive as a child are now killing your relationships and your quality of life.

Take a person who was sexually and emotionally abused as a child, remove all boundaries and empathy, add in a sprinkle of being able to compartmentalize sexual impropriety, and top it all with a big scoop of self-loathing and a constant state of never feeling "good enough"... and you've got the perfect recipe to create a cheater.

I have a small exercise for you, if you are willing to do it. I want you to do one small thing every day that makes you feel like a good person, and that doesn't benefit you in any way. Hold the door open for someone else. Let that other car get in front of you. Tell someone they look nice. Call someone you love but don't talk to often. It doesn't matter what you do, but make sure to do something every single day. And every time you do it, I want you to stop and give yourself a little acknowledgment that YOU just did something that makes you feel good about yourself. You can loathe every other part of yourself if you need to, but this one thing... be proud of it. Feel good about it. Understand that by doing this one small thing, you actually did something to love yourself and to be a good person, and didn't require anyone else to validate your worth. When you are ready, do 2 things a day. Then 3. And so on, but just make sure that every time you do it, you give yourself credit. That part is really important.

Over time, you will see how this becomes a habit, and changes how you define yourself. You've lived most of your life feeling devalued. This is how you counteract that. This is how you change the messages in your head. The end result is a new lease on life and a start to better relationships.

I would still strongly encourage seeing a mental health professional, but until that opportunity arises, this is a good way to start.

Good luck, and keep coming back.

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 1:13 AM, Monday, July 10th]

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1436   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8798824
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 WTDIEC (original poster new member #80750) posted at 5:13 AM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

Thank you all for your replies. It seems that the most recent blow up me and hubs had was over sex. Well that's the impression I got.

A reply above asked me to ask him what he wants to feel wanted and sex and sexual acts are it.

So I've gone on birth control today.

I originally went off it because hubs hated what it turned me into.

In a way I deserve it. Hubs has told me I made his sexuality what it is today as I'm the only person he has ever been with.

Which a really makes sense to me.

At least sex is the one area I can fix

[This message edited by WTDIEC at 6:32 AM, Monday, July 10th]

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 3 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 40   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8798850
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:29 PM on Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

Have you talked with your doc about alternatives for birth control? The Pill made my W into a wreck, so we found other methods that worked well. That was 50+ years ago; now there are way more alternatives than we had then.

I think I understand that the world looks pretty bleak to you right now, but it's probably not as bleak as you think it is. DaddyDom's exercise seems like a good one.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29994   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8799042
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 5:35 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

I agree with Sisoon's suggestion above about alternative birth control methods or devices.

The only suggestion I have, since you say you can't read, is have you tried Audible Books? Decades ago when I worked I had a long commute for over an hour each way every day. This was back when there were cassette players in autos. I listened to countless tapes & books as I commuted each day.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 8:35 PM, Wednesday, July 12th]

posts: 284   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8799138
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 4:05 AM on Thursday, July 13th, 2023

The only suggestion I have, since you say you can't read, is have you tried Audible Books? Decades ago when I worked I had a long commute for over an hour each way every day. This was back when there were cassette players in autos. I listened to countless tapes & books as I commuted each day.

That’s a good suggestion. There are also a lot of podcasts you might find helpful.

Reading for pleasure and reading to understand yourself, is one of the ways you get yourself out of a desperate place. You are reading responses here.

Sex is a bandaid by the way. That’s not going to fix things long term at all. It may help for a while but if you don’t fix what’s broken inside of you, then you will likely never elicit a response in him that repairs trust or gives him some indication that you have changed from the person you were at the time of your affair.

Please understand I am saying what I am because I have been in your shoes. To get out you have to do a lot of things you don’t normally do.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7259   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8799198
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farsidejunky ( member #49392) posted at 3:30 PM on Friday, July 14th, 2023

Can't read books anymore.

It used to be the one thing I loved to do since childhood but many different things have ruined it and turned it into a block for me. My own perceptions of things ruined it the most. I'll just try for a therapist

I am going to try to put this as gently as possible because this is not judgement, but rather an attempt for you to recognize a thinking trap.

Please note the bolded word above: "can't". This is not right. It's not that you can't. It's that you won't. The difference in the phrasing of this with your internal dialogue is that when you tell yourself you can't, you are telling yourself you have no choice. This is completely incorrect.

What is actually happening is that you are actively choosing not to read books. And please understand, if you choose not to, that is totally your prerogative. But please...for your own growth...don't lie to yourself and say you have no choice by using the word "can't". You are choosing this path.

One of the critical steps of growth for a wayward is to acknowledge and accept the choices we have made, for better or for worse.

I hope you find peace. Take care.

Edit: spelling.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 3:32 PM, Friday, July 14th]

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

-Maya Angelou

posts: 669   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2015   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8799406
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 6:34 PM on Friday, July 14th, 2023

Can't read books anymore.

You can also do audiobooks. My wife has gone that route for many books.

Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985 Her - BW & WW - Born 1986

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 667   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8799472
Topic is Sleeping.
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