SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a Uk based father to three married for 25 years. Two young adults and a soon to be teenage daughter.

My other half had an affair 14 years ago at about the time our daughter was born with someone she works with. It lasted about 4 years at least....I know that because she made a very detailed diary which I found while tidying our bedroom.

I always thought she was having an affair with him and she has always denied it (which produced huge tension and many heated arguments), but armed with this new "proof" I confronted her one more time and she finally admitted it, though her first suggestion was that this had been a fantasy.

It told a tale of how she was in love with him and indicated that she got pregnant to him but that after some discussion they terminated the birth and when I checked her diarys over the years (I know I shouldn't) she regularly posted things like "I wish we could be with you on this your birthday" which seemd an unlikely thing to do were it to be a fantasy.

Three months after this pregnancy she got pregnant again and we had a daughter (who I am fairy confident is mine)..... The diary indicated she carried on with the affair for at least another year and then he ended it and entered another relationship which I know also split up long ago.

To make matter worse she is still seeing him and phones him every day. She maintains this is as a friend but hard to know whether this is true (I feel friends with benefits...but who knows?). I do know we have had no intimacy since our daughter was born. (I have also asked her to ,get an STI test done (not sure how I will see evidence for this).

I recently gave her an ultimatum saying either to get him out of her life by Christmas or I would divorce without any further discussion if there was even one more communication after Christmas. I gave this length of time partly as her father only has a short time to live but partly as we have kids and ideally I dont want to upset their life if there is another option. I doubt she will be able to keep from contacting him but time will tell.

She twisted and turned many times in order to get out of this ultimatum saying she was reliant on his advice in order to keeps her job and to talk with him for mental health. I suggested she get a therapist if she needed to talk. The other thing that came up is that teh book was from a long time ago and that there currently is no physical relationship, so I should just let the past lie. Again....who knows?

When I asked her why she had the affair she indicated that she was "mad" at the time......She does have mental health issues and is seeing a therapist (with whom she has not mentioned any of the above) and is on medication for depression....but I cant accept that as a general catch all for either absolving of personal responsibility or giving me confidence it won't happen again.

Not much else to say....weirdly I still love her and on her good days she is great to be with ....but I dont have many actual feelings for her.....just a detached coolness (no longer angry or sad or anything) and a need to remove the cancer of this unwanted relationship she entered into from my life.

It may work out (which would be great), it may not (which would at least allow me to move forwards).....

I'm so sorry you are here. But glad you found us. Others with the very best advice will be along shortly.

The most jarring thing that jumps out is she has NO GUILT. NO REMORSE. NO SHAME.

She wants to continue this relationship? Hell naw!

And if you "force her" to end it, I guarantee she will sneak around behind your back FULL OF ANGER and fuck him out of spite. Or that's how she will justify it to herself.

Cut your losses, my friend. Maybe a hard 180 and divorce will snap her out of it...but sadly I'm doubtful. Wish I could offer more optimism.

Good luck.

When I asked her why she had the affair she indicated that she was "mad" at the time

Yeah.. so how does that tally up with the contact she's still keeping now?

For heaven's sake she nearly had a child with him

Why are you allowing this for yourself? Ultimatums, the continued contact?

She's still in an affair but weirdly whether she is or not doesn't matter to you because that how deep the rot has set in.

At this point, do what's best for you and divorce, hand holding is getting you nowhere. Just wasted time, even if you might be afraid that cutting the cord means she can freely be with him.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that have a lot of information that you may find helpful. Additionally, the Healing Library is available - and includes a list of the acronyms we use. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there are a couple of threads that you might find helpful. There is one for those who found out years later and long term affairs.

For the STD/STI test, she can show you a copy of the results.

Frankly, she's still in the A and is receiving the dopamine high every time she contacts him. I suspect you're right and that they are still having sex. It's possible they aren't, but more likely they are.

Frankly, I would call her therapist and tell her what you know. You can tell the therapist that they don't have to acknowledge anything, but you want to tell them X. Your wife has broken the therapeutic contract. Your wife needs to do a lot more digging to recognize what she has done and work to become a safe partner.

Your W has already blown up the M, and it's going to take a ton of work on her part. If she's not all in for fixing this, it's very doubtful that R can happen. It's a lot of work from both.

There's a book called How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald that is short and is a great resource for your W. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Give her 30 seconds to decide and then file if she makes the wrong choice. By giving her time and space, you are indulging her A. She has had over a decade to decide.

So sorry you were betrayed like this.

Please do not give in to the temptation to rugsweep any of these issues. They will always return in some way of you don't deal with the underlying issues, emotions and behaviors thoroughly. My experience was far less significant but returned after many years nonetheless.

Giving her until Christmas to cut this guy from her life is being way too generous, imo. He had an affair with your wife for 4 years, she wanted a baby with him and it is possible your daughter is actually his. Do not stand for this relationship to continue! It's good you set that deadline but 6 months longer feels way too much. How about 6 days.

You have not been intimate with her for 12 years? It appears like he is the reason why. The affair took her away from you and because it never really ended in her mind, she hasn't returned. Do you really want to live with no intimacy? If so, why would you settle for that?

Make no mistake, you are still in infidelity. She may or may not be sleeping with him still but he is in her mind and heart every day. Don't settle for that. Hard 180 (you can read about the 180 process in this forum and in the SI library on this site). Talk to a D lawyer to understand your options. She has an enormous amount of work to do to be a candidate for R. Most people struggle to do it. Of course you can give her a chance but learn what D would look like quickly so you have the information you need. No one should have to live in infidelity with their wife pining for another man for years while ignoring you, her husband.

[This message edited by Trdd at 3:05 PM, Monday, June 26th]

Hi, welcome to SI.

Ditto exactly what Trdd posted.

I'd DNA your daughter just to truly ease your mind. Don't tell your wife you are doing this!

Don't feel one iota of guilt for checking her diaries, many of us here found out about the affair by snooping.

To make matter worse she is still seeing him and phones him every day

^^Oh, hell, no! You are still living in infidelity. The goal here is to get you OUT of infidelity.

Keep in mind, cheaters lie...all of them. Yes. I would not trust a word out of her mouth right now.

Christmas? Nope, I'd have divorce papers ready and she would have five seconds to end her affair.

I also suggest you find a good IC as you seem to be living in denial and you need to figure out why you would tolerate her abuse.

Hi, thanks for all the welcomes.....the only reason for the long delay is her dad and our children really. I do think she is cheating and will probably continue to do so. I have taken a lot of the advice from this forum onboard and taken up some new interests and am putting myself out there....which has been good for me.

And no I dont believe much of what she is saying atm (sadly) or that she blames herself nearly enough. I looked into divorce and have the paperwork ready to go. (some really helpful advice on that in this forum). I also have to put some paperwork of my own in order to stop her taking advantage of me financially ...so the timeline gives me some breathing space on that.

But yes if the trajectory doesn't look posative as I said to her I am am gone.....but I do want to give it a chance....though I do think the chance is very slight.

I have looked at a nice house to buy when we sell our family house and am doing some work on neutralising it to maximise sale proceeds.

To make matter worse she is still seeing him and phones him every day. She maintains this is as a friend but hard to know whether this is true (I feel friends with benefits...but who knows?). I do know we have had no intimacy since our daughter was born. (I have also asked her to ,get an STI test done (not sure how I will see evidence for this).

Something is likely still going on. She needs to end it and promise NC. You should also have the right to access her phone whenever for the next few months.

I recently gave her an ultimatum saying either to get him out of her life by Christmas or I would divorce without any further discussion if there was even one more communication after Christmas. I gave this length of time partly as her father only has a short time to live but partly as we have kids and ideally I dont want to upset their life if there is another option. I doubt she will be able to keep from contacting him but time will tell.

Christmas?! Thats a lot of time to plan how to get away with still seeing him on the DL. She needs to break contact today. She also needs IC if she has carried on an affair this long, there is clearly a lot of issues with someone who has no regard for their family like this. Also it is likely she is too ingrained into the affair at this point.

Not much else to say....weirdly I still love her and on her good days she is great to be with ....but I dont have many actual feelings for her.....just a detached coolness (no longer angry or sad or anything) and a need to remove the cancer of this unwanted relationship she entered into from my life.

Sounds like a fun friend. I would take time to focus on yourself and decide if you want more than this in a partner. I sure as hell want more in a wife, and have been very vocal about what I need from my WW so far (and it goes way beyond just NC with AP) in order to continue things.

I don’t have a lot of time to post, but wanted to single out some glaring points of concern:

-She going to blame shift you. It’s a Cheater’s first response to D-Day. Don’t listen to any of it.

When I asked her why she had the affair she indicated that she was "mad" at the time

I bet you were pretty mad at being denied intimacy for 12 years, but didn’t resort to cheating. She’s been siphoning life force from your marriage since this affair began, diverting it to him.

Waiting until Christmas for full NC?? Why? Why sacrifice another moment of your sanctity, security and future happiness for this A? If she’s going to be your forever after and save this marriage, she needs to engage right now. She’s had 10 years to get over it. Probably because she’s not over it.

Is this guy married? If so, notify his wife.

Make sure your decisions are not borne from fear, fear of being alone, fear for the kids, fear of appearances, fear of the unknown, fear of loss. Your marriage was lost 14 years ago. You’ve been roommates in a dead marriage walking. Many of the unknowns of divorce can be cleared up with an attorney consult. Kids tend to fair better in a thriving, happy, healthy, loving, sincere environment. A dead propped up limbo zombie marriage of convenience doesn’t quite foster this.

If you and your WW want to R, do so in the spirit of rebuilding something new, special, exclusive and free of her mental health issues that lead to this disaster. She going to need serious IC followed by MC. She must enter R with enthusiasm, dedication, determination, SELF INITIATIVE and a willingness to do the heavy lifting of R.

If she’s not up to this, cut your losses and divorce. I would avoid settling for anything less than genuine reconciliation fostered with true remorse.

She can not say that this is all in the past, it was 10 years ago, get over it, don’t make such a big deal about it. These statements show a complete lack of empathy and remorse. You absolutely cannot R with this attitude. Your D-Day is today. It’s as fresh, shocking and traumatizing as if you stumbled upon them in the middle of the act. Don’t tolerate an iota of minimization.

PS: Don’t let her guilt you about how you discovered her A. You were instinctively compelled to investigate, and in the case of infidelity, the ends DO justify the means, the ends actually make the means completely irrelevant. She’s just trying to side step, distract, redirect and regain some moral high ground.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:13 PM, Monday, June 26th]

Hi, Deadsalmon;

Though your WW may not be meeting up with this loser in a hotel room, she is still cheating on you. YOU should be the person she goes to when she needs to talk. She only has 100% of herself she can use to attach to another man. She is choosing to bond with him mentally and emotionally, taking away from you. If she is attached to him 25%, you only get 75. Every time she calls him (and sees him) she gets more attached to him.

Why the 12-year break in sex? Her attachment now might be 75% to him and 25 to you. The longer you allow this behavior to continue, the less attached she becomes to you. When do you bail out: At 10%? 5%? Or wait until there’s literally nothing left?!

I know you gave her until Christmas to end it with this guy because of your dad, the kids, etc. Gently, you are saying, "It’s ok for you to continue in this EA (and probably PA) until Christmas. Then, boy am I going to get serious!" You are, IMO, allowing more time for her to bond with this guy, making that bond with him stronger and with you weaker. You are giving her permission to cheat on you. If you’re ok with her cheating on you from now until Christmas, why not a little longer?

You are the only one who can decide if this is acceptable or not. My friend, you can not end her infidelity by grabbing her by the arm and dragging her away from her BF; all the while she is turning around to see him and reaching out to him, calling his name, crying, and fighting to return to him. She is an adult – you must treat her that way. You need to tell her you are moving on in life without the BF. She can either stay here with him or go with you. But, she must choose now. I understand the situation with your dad and kids makes this timing terrible, but you did not create this mess and she should never have had to make this choice – EVER! The timing is not your problem, and if she really loves you, you need her to be present with you 100%. You and the kids need her support during this trying time. The BF is not welcome for any of this.

Please don’t stay in infidelity any longer. The longer you stay, the worse it gets, and the more pain will be heaped upon you. It’s not worth it.

Even though I think you should have already divorced, since you are going slowly get all of your finances straightened out so that when the time comes your separation will be swift and then done.
Be sure to look after your health. I assume you are somewhere in your 50s. Get a thorough checkup and stay away from alcohol. Stay hydrated. Get enough sleep. Exercise according to drs’ recommendations. Your life should be on the trajectory to freedom. Being healthy makes sure you enjoy it.