SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After a month of pick me, I am starting the hard 180. He says he can't choose between the two of us, that he loves both of us. I can't be the pathetic pick me girl anymore.

He left the house last night and slept in his truck (he drives a semi). The night alone gave me clarity.

I am meeting him at his truck now to read him a letter that basically says unless he goes no contact, I consider our marriage over. I got the template from a response to Iamenough's post. Then I am starting to live MY life.
This is exhausting and sad.

I will never understand why he did this. He seemed like such a good man that I could spend the rest of my life with.

But I deserve better than this. I have to protect myself, even though I still love him very much.

It is unnerving to think that this could be the end of my marriage. I feel physically ill. But I will be strong for myself, and to be a good example for my kids.

I’m sorry it comes down to this, but enough is enough and he is still cheating right in front of you. The 180 saved me and changed my life, it was that moment I was done playing pick me, done with dabbling in sincerity, I was done!!!!

One thing you should change is going to him with a letter, that is still pursuing him and showing you care. He needs to be pushed off the fence he is sitting on. He can come to you and get his shit off the porch and go do whatever he wants.

I wish you the best and please keep us updated.

I had already set up a meeting with him. It was good for me, so I could accurately express where I was at with everything. I read it out loud to him, then gave it to him.

He said he was thinking along the same lines. He said he was sorry. I just said that I know. It looked like he was going to cry, so I left.

I did get choked up when I was reading the letter, but I am glad I did it. I feel like I can move forward with my life because I tried my best in this marriage.

Though I have no plans of dating anytime in the near future, it is time to start my hot single lady life, as my daughter said this morning.

Please, please don't give him or read that letter to him. It's still doing the pick me dance.

I agree with Tanner. Don't go to him, let him go to you.

Do the 180 and do not have any conversations with him unless it concerns finances and kids (if you have them).

Right now he has his cake and is eating it, too. Be strong and close the bakery today.

I’m so sorry, and i admire your strength. You are doing what is best in this awful situation you didn’t ask for. Stay the course; he doesn’t deserve you.

I see that this is DDay two for you. Is it the same AP?

Good call. Out experience I know that the pick me dance doesn't work. It only prolongs your pain. Stay strong!

Please D before dating. You have left the door open for R. Don't make yourself a madhatter.

No, this is a new AP. I thought we were reconciled, I thought I could trust him again. Unfortunately that was not the case.

Both of the A's are EA. The current one is long distance, but I believe it will be a PA if he goes out to visit her. She is 16 years younger than him, with three little kids, recently divorced. He has always told me he didn't want to raise any more kids, all of our kids are adults now.

I know it has only been three hours since I last saw him, but I am proud of myself for not messaging or calling him. This hurts so much.

And I am definitely not dating anyone anytime soon. I did leave the door open for R, and while I am getting ready to file for D, I am still hoping for R before it is final. I know it is ridiculous to hope for that, but I do.

There's a thread in the D/S forum where you can post and stay NC with your STBXWH.

Sorry it had to come down to this. The pain does get better, so hang in there.

NC is really hard, especially at first. So use the thread in S/D to vent when you need to. Or write the email and delete it.
I played the pick-me for nearly a year. And he kept telling me he was "conflicted". That word makes me skin crawl now.
After my experience and reading thousands of posts here, I am 100% convinced the fence sitters are just cowards who want someone else to make the decisions. And good on you for doing just that.

Stay the course. You will change your mind a thousand times, but stay the course. Maybe… maybe he will do the work to become a man worth R. But that will take time. And in the meanwhile, you need to rebuild you. Hang in there. You are obviously strong and I am sure you are going to be okay.

It takes a lot of strength to do what you did, pat yourself on the back ! I haven’t been able to do that yet, so I admire you.

2 different AP’s and both EA’s. Obviously this man hasn’t learnt his lessons. He is constantly going to be looking for emotional connections outside rather that strengthening the ones he has in his life. He is not a catch by any means, the AP can have him and his issues. You need someone that is more emotionally stable, values you, respects you. You will find your peace eventually while he will always be unhappy yearning for more. There is no reason for him to weigh you down with his issues when you are capable of being happy and emotionally content.

Take care. There will be better times and better people in your life going forward.

He’s not conflicted.

He’s a selfish cheating jerk. He just doesn’t want to give up the OW. He wants both b/c
In his mind, an EA is not cheating 😡.

My H also refused to give up the OW after 4 years of an EA b/c nothing was going on and they are just friends. Until she called and wanted to go with her to a wedding "as a friend".

My mistake was not being strong like you SHEDTEARS.

That led to a second affair. EA turned PA. He’s having a mid life crisis affair. I still didn’t handle it correctly. However when dday2 occurred 6 months later I was ready to D and I did the hard 180.

Best move I made. I was t letting have any more control over me.

Shed tears, I’m so sorry you’ve dealt with this twice. I completely understand it being really hard to do the 180 and the persistent hope of reconciliation.

But you are doing the right thing. He doesn’t get to fence sit and have his cake and eat it too. Let him sit with the consequences of his own selfishness, immaturity, and lack of character, and move on with your life. Maybe he will pull his head out of his butt, and maybe he won’t, but either way you are doing the healthy thing by refusing to be dragged along in his crazy train.

Stay strong. If you need a little something to get you through a weak moment, listen to Tanya Tucker’s "I don’t owe you anything."

Day 2 of Hard 180:

Started out fine, feeling very zen. I started my divorce notebook (worst use of cool office supplies ever), reread the 180 article (because I need to read it over and over), and actually ate breakfast. No contact with WH, even though he came home while I was out last night. He went straight into the guest room (which I guess is now his room).

Lost my purse at Walmart, totally panicked, I am sure that life hates me. I end up messaging with WH, because of course all of our financial info has now been compromised. It really really sucked, because before, I would have called him, he would have comforted me, I would have felt better. But I just gave him factual information.

He apologized again for hurting me, and I just said ok.

Then I went into "his" room and sobbed like a pathetic jerk into his pajamas. I am glad he wasn't home to see that mess.

It just hurts so much. Physically, too. I feel shaky and my stomach is upset all the time and I can't concentrate. I just want him back like before, but without the A.

I'm glad day 2 is over. I have no idea how I am going to handle day 3.

I hope that you realize EACH day you will get a tiny bit stronger. You will stop yourself from talking or contacting him. You will stop turning to him to comfort you.

He apologized for hurting you — but has he stopped cheating? If not you know he’s making a choice to keep being a lying cheating jerk.

The 180 is hard. But you can do it.

Fun fact - I did the hard 180 on my H. 10 years ago during the 180 I stopped doing his laundry (among many things). I still don’t do his laundry. And he’s not complaining. 10 years of only having to do my own laundry. WIN!

One day at a time, grieve and rage in private, don't let him see it. You are still in the shock phase and when it starts to dull the anger hits, reality takes over. Rejection breeds obsession, its true and unhealthy, one step at a time.

You've got this shedtears! One day at a time. I don't know if you like country music but I feel like Sara Evans A Little Bit Stronger is a good 180 anthem. It's about a woman who slowly day by day heals and realizes every day she gets a little bit stronger. She actually went through a divorce from a cheater too. It will be slow baby steps. But you've got this!

A Little Bit Stronger

/

Lyrics

Woke up late today and I

Still feel the sting of the pain, but I

Brushed my teeth anyway

I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face

I got a little bit stronger

Ridin' in the car to work and I'm

Tryin' to ignore the hurt, so I

Turned on the radio

Stupid song made me think of you

I listened to it for a minute

But then I changed it

I'm gettin' a little bit stronger

Just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hopin'

That we could work it out

I'm done with how it feels

Spinnin' my wheels

Lettin' you drag my heart around, and oh

And I'm done thinkin'

That you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same

But I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger

It doesn't happen overnight, but you

Turn around and a month's gone by and you

Realize you haven't cried

I'm not givin' you an hour or a second or another minute longer

I'm busy gettin' stronger

And I'm done hopin'

That we could work it out

I'm done with how it feels

Spinnin' my wheels

Lettin' you drag my heart around, and oh

And I'm done thinkin'

That you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same

But I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger

I'm gettin' along without you, baby

I'm better off without you, baby

How does it feel without me, baby?

I'm gettin' stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hopin'

We could work it out

I'm done with how it feels

Spinnin' my wheels

And lettin' you drag my heart around, and oh

And I'm done thinkin'

That you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same

But I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger

I'm just a little bit stronger

(Hey, yeah, hey, yeah) a little bit, a little bit

A little bit stronger

(Hey, yeah)

(Hey, yeah) I'm gettin' a little bit stronger

(Hey, yeah)

[This message edited by childofcheater at 3:15 PM, Tuesday, June 27th]

Child of cheater, what a great song.

Shed tears, stay strong. Don’t contact or interact with him at all. Go on a walk outside. Do something small that is creative or beautiful or gives you hope or joy in some way.

The exercises in Steven Stosny’s Living and Loving after betrayal really helped me in the months after i discovered my husband’s affair. It grounded me in a sense of myself, apart from him. Maybe try that book if you’re needing something to read and strengthen you.

Thank you all so much for your responses here. I come back several times a day to reread them. It helps knowing that there are people out there who have been through this, and who are supporting me.

I will get that book and read it. I do need to start investing in some books to move on. And start listening to music on my Spotify. I now have two song recommendations!

I stopped doing his laundry on Sunday when I started the hard 180, but he is so far in the fog that I don't think he has even noticed. He spends hours on the phone with her, I am sure they are planning a happy future together for after the divorce. I am trying not to care.

One thing that has helped is remembering that he is a lying cheating jerk. I absolutely hate to think of him that way, he is my husband who I love so very much. But he CHOSE to do this to me. That is not love. Not any love that I want to be a part of, anyways.

What do you all say when he says things like he is sorry and that he still cares for me? Or when he says that he loves me? My knee jerk reaction is anger and sarcasm, but I still want to leave the option of R if he pulls his head out of his ass. So I am thinking something a little emotionally charged, but I don't know what.

Thanks for being my safe place here. I really appreciate it.