SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Padlock

One thing this site is not so great at doing is keeping people in misery.

Basically – you list lots of reasons why you can’t do anything. Money, emotions, work… whatever.
If you truly think you are stuck with no chance whatsoever of change… then all you can do is accept where you are and try to find a way to live in the same area as your partner. You could do that with neither of you expecting any emotional support or mutual acts of being a couple. You could ignore that she goes to see "friends" every now and then. After all – the real reason this is still a "relationship" are purely financial and have nothing to do with emotions or relationship-expectation.

I guess that doesn’t sound good… Well… that’s where you leave us when you repeatedly state you can’t do anything…

See my tagline? I’m a firm believer in that quote. I think we tend to have options. To have choices. Those options might not be as clear as remain in hunger or eat cake. They can be choices between two or more bad options. Like remain hungry or eat that racoon road-kill. Or die from thirst or drink your own urine. The choices might not be great, but they might give us some slightly better option. Like time.
So your options might be that you two address the issues in your relationship. Her cheating would be high on that list, but there is plenty more. Like the finances.
Your option might be to renegotiate with your debtors.
Your option might be to move into a friends garage for half a year.
Your option might be to sleep in your car.
Your option might be to work in the oilfields or sign on to a cargo-ship or whatever.

I want to encourage you to look into what your options are. I’m guessing none of the above might fit your situation 100% seeing as I know nothing off you. Maybe sleeping in the forest would beat a car, or maybe you can move back with parents or whatever. Just stop being so pessimistic and focusing on the closed road ahead, an start looking for the paths that get you maybe a yard closer to your way-distant destination.

Update 1 month later

No i havent left.

Why are this forum so hostile against not leaving?

I can find hundreds of examples of people being together for a while until they got stuff sorted to leave.

I feel pressured and disrespected by the fact i was in shock when writing this.

People cant act accordingly while in shock.

I also was in a state of HB, Hysterical bonding.

Its like trying to talk to a stone, expecting to get answers.

Now that is out of the way,
Here is the update:

The shock is fading away, and anger and disgust are setting in now.

My libido suddenly dropped, and my sexual health suddebly went to rock bottom.

While i was in shock, it was somehow the complete opposite.

So my step daughter came to stay this summer.
Shes 10.
And i was her stepfather since she was 6 months.

She does not know anything yet, and i promised to stay the summer.

Also my family doesnt know yet either.

So her state right now seem to be something like:

*i dont know what i want
*you seem negative, i dont want a future like that.
*im still confused
*i need time
*im living in the moment
*i'm sorry i did this
Etc etc etc

So basically she still at the same place.
But shes focusing on her daughter and vacations now.

She isnt as cold anymore, and are being more seeking of contact and intimacy with me.

She says she would like to see how i evolve as this entire situattion sinks in for me.

And now it starts to sink in.

I am disgusted by her but wants her at the same time.

She also still has contact with the guy she cheated woth, but no sexual or flirting.
Just casual.

She also wrote me a freaking long letter because she said she had issues communicating.

The letter contained alot of mixed messages.

But also some comforting stuff.

Im glad shes open, she is not hiding what she feels or want, and isnt leaving me in too much confusion.

I just still dont know why she says she needs time.
Because this is hard on her too?
Or because she dont know how to "break up" yet?

I already told her that i would probably be leaving, but then she got stressed and wanted to talk about it.

As im realizing my situation more and more, and feel more anger, and betrayal, im starting to be a bit more passive aggressive.

Ive been overly romanticizing her the last month, which i think is normal when in shock, according to google.

This is fading slowly now.

And i guess my situation will become a bit easier to exit.

Im so disgusted by what she did, and there is nothing she can do to fix it.

I think she got feelings for this other guy, because she told me in the letter thar she tried to delete him on snapchat, but couldnt do it.

She is probably in a fuckd up situation herself, but she chose this.

I just find it funny how she dont want me to tell my family.

Because i know how much my family love her.
They absolutely glorify her and love being around her.

They used to say, we were the perfect couple.

Ye, so the day i tell them, i ruin her even more in the process, and completly destroy her image.

I think she got feelings for this other guy, because she told me in the letter thar she tried to delete him on snapchat, but couldnt do it.

If contact continues the affair continues. Deleting her scumbag AP off of snap or for that matter deleting snap altogether is such a low bar. It’s clear that she only regrets she got caught.

So her state right now seem to be something like:
*i dont know what i want
*you seem negative, i dont want a future like that.
*im still confused
*i need time
*im living in the moment

She’s not remorseful. You cannot reconcile by yourself.

She also wrote me a freaking long letter because she said she had issues communicating.

The letter contained alot of mixed messages.

These two sentences are right next together in your post and nothing could underscore one of her biggest issues than this. Look, there are no points in a relationship for being the more eloquent or thoughtful communicator, no one is looking for a master orator as their spouse, but what is a basic need is someone who effectively communicates their needs. Too many people tend to think of communication as this passive thing, especially as written means of quick communications like text and instant messages or to a lesser extent email become the standard. A letter is not by itself a bad thing, but she should've used that letter as the start of a conversation with a deeper conversation with you.

She also still has contact with the guy she cheated woth, but no sexual or flirting.
Just casual.

So she is still active in her affair. No contact means no contact. It doesn't mean you continue lobbing innocuous texts or calls back and forth as if nothing had happened between them. There is no going back to just friends, if they ever were that, they both ruined that when they entered into an affair. I mean, by all means, if your WW insists on being on contact with her, you should stop all contact with her yourself, because you aren't going to share your wife with another man.

You are still in infidelity. She may not be sleeping with him but he is in her head and or heart. Continued contact is ridiculous. She has the initiative and you do not. Take back the initiative from her. It's ok if she is uncomfortable, she deserves to be. Doing the pick me dance will not win her back. Expoaing her affair and seeing a D lawyer may not win her back either but you have a better chance with those actions than sitting around waiting for her while she chats with the AP. Cold water may wake her up. If it doesn't, that's ok but you will have regained initiative and your dignity.

Thanks fpr the formal replies.
My last update was a bit short.

Of course the letter she wrote was more insightful than what i said.

For example she did something i waited for for 10 years.
Finally, she admitted that she had trauma from childhood.

I knew this all along and are just honestly very happy she is being aware of it now, i tjink its a huge leap for herself and her own healing.

Basically she wrote that her mother always hated her as a kid, and told her daughter how much she wished she never gave birth to her.

Also her mother called her ugly on a daily basis.

Remember i known this woman for 10 years, for me its such a relief to see she finally realized and are attempting to fix this.
I am happy for her.

She have reflected this for years, so i knew something was off about her childhood.

She always said: "i dont remember my childhood"

So yes.

She always had this extreme desire to be accepted, and get compliments for looking good.

If she posted on social media, she always used so much filters that it didnt even look like her anymore.

She always wanted the lights off when we had sex etc.

Im just a bit disappointed she didnt start working on this earlier, because it caused both of us so much damage.

She also wrote in the letter how her father (which was the only parent loving her, died 4 years ago) wouød have been so disappointed if he knew what she did.

Her father really liked me, and he once told me: "she has gotten so much better after she met you"

It meant alot to him that she met me.

The letter she wrote was a deep insight into her head, which she always closed off entirely.

I trust the letter 100%.
Its very genuine.

She proceeds to explain how the affair made her feel good about herself, and that it filled some dark voids, but she did NOT blame me, anywhere in the letter,
Which i am very glad. She blamed herself.
As that seem to be a very common thing in affairs.

Yes she is in contact with him, i told her i am not her plan B.

As she explained, she doesnt want anything from him.
Hes so much older than her, and has a big package of children and other stuff.

Obviously she knows him from earlier, and knows he is extremly controlling and that if she ever were to go there it wouød be like a prison.

She then explains, there is no feelings towards him, but a physical attraction, that she always had.

And he is obsessed by her, and he keep wanting her.

She eventually told him in person when he was delivering her belonging she forgot when she slept with him:

"i have issues to fix at home and i feel you are being too clingy"

He eventually replied that he thought it was sad, but he understands.
Then says: you will keep me on snapchat yes?

Thats when she said that she wouldnt delete him.

He bought her gifts, to have excuse to see her again.

But she only met him when he sat in car and she outside (i have proof of this (camera outside)

She said it was very unconfortable.

She keep saying to me that she dont want him to show up, or write to her now, but that she dont have the guts to tell him yet, because during the affair, she sent him mixed signals which made him "fell for her" and get a emotional bond, and that she dont know how to do this in a way that doesnt upset him.
(he is a ex criminal)

Now these are her words, not mine.
Dont blame me, didnt say i trust her, just that i got footage of the fact she just talked with him, and then he left.

I already told her, with him still being on to you, there is no chance in hell, and the slim chances getting more distant for every day he exists.

I told her that her "market value" has plummeted, and she caused damage to herself and her "image" aswell, which she agreed.

I tried to make it clear to her, that my value still is Prime.
I didnt even flirt with another woman in 10 years, so im not gonna be stuck in a cave unless i purposely choose to do so.

I dont want to be too much of a dick, but she needs to hear it.

Truthful partners are worth a fortune these days, and you are not one of them.
You have a million issues to work out with yourself.

She nods, and silently says "yes"

Then she asked me to answer honestly:

She: "have you ever flirted with another woman?"

Me: "no, not once in 10 years"

She seems shocked, like she thought i was.

Biggest issue we had in 10 years was communication.

And is sure the biggest relationship killer.

Her situation seem like a psychosis, a fantasy world.
She says she is confused, she might be right.

But yes she isnt too aware of MY situation.

She know i am hurting and she says its very unconfortable to adress because she gets emotional, so she avoids it.

She was always like this.
Hiding, avoiding facing truths, putting a mask on to hide emotions.

I am applauding her *clap clap*

If i had that skill, i could literally attend to funerals while pretending it didnt happen.

If i could flick a switch, i would.
But this *skill* i lack.

Im just enjoying time with her daughter now,
I promised to not F up her summer vacation as her daughter loves to be with me, which is fine.

Even though my mental state is altered and on a low, i realizing now, i was betrayed.
As i feel sorry for myself, i just feel sorry for her too, for being such an idiot for fuking up her own image and betraying a man that was 100% loyal all these years.

I go on hikes solo now, i are more talkative to other people.
And i feel things eventually gonna be okay.

The question is, what happends after the summer.

Is this the end?
Or is it a struggle continiued?

At least i work a bit more on my self, slowly preparing my exit as an alternative.

Im still attached to her, so its gonna be a bumpy ride for sure.

And to tell her daughter, oh damn...

You guys would probably have seen me do the classic: "leaving on the day, slamming the door"

Well im not classic.

I chose to let the shock fade first.
Just to see what i truly felt.
Now i feel anger, betrayal, but most of all, i feel more valuable than ever.
I feel like i "won".
I made it, 10 years, not even flirting.
And guess what, she lost.
Its just sad.

Now i just see her as a sad, misfortune, tragedy.

I hope she can grow and fix herself, some way, or she will end up in misery.

As many reasons i might have, i wouldnt want people to live in misery, even if they did to me.

Nothing can be fixed unless she fixes herself.

You need to decide that even if she fixes herself, is this someone you want to stay with.

It’s your call.

Padlock, you said you were spending more time with family, is it possible for your family to help you get out of this mess by allowing you to stay with them for six months or so until you are more financially stable?

Living in this toxic situation is not good for your mental health. Your wife is playing ping pong with your life, you can either participate in her nonsense or quit the game once and for all.

There are options, you just need to move forward with your life.

Padlock

In your original and subsequent posts you yourself talked about not wanting to be in this relationship but being forced to for purely momentary reasons.
You did not talk about wanting to reconcile – but rather being FORCED to remain where you are because financially you had no other option.

If you sense our responses were based on getting you out, then it’s because the ONLY logical and healthy response to being in a relationship you are FORCED to be in is to GET OUT.

I think you are doing something it sounds A LOT like your GF is doing: Sending a message through action and non-words rather than being clear about it. You are claiming you want out, but you want to reconcile.

We have instances here on SI where a spouse cheats – often very clearly and visibly – because they don’t want to be the one that ends the relationship. Sort of a relationship-style suicide-by-cop.

She lets you know she cheated. She tells you things aimed at causing more damage. She’s basically screaming "I want out, but I don’t have the courage to pull the trigger. I have given you 100000000 reasons for YOU to do it!"

Frankly – nothing you have shared since indicates she wants this relationship.

If you want this relationship then let us know – but MORE IMPORTANTLY HER KNOW that you would prefer to reconcile.
If you want out but are financially not able to then it’s also preferable that this is clear to BOTH of you. You can then find ways to cohabit until you can afford to separate.

She also needs to be very clear on what SHE wants. It’s not "maybe" and not even OM or you – it’s THIS relationship or not.

If you BOTH want THIS relationship we can guide you forwards.
If one or both want out we can guide you out.

What we can’t do is guide you to reconciliation while one or both of you is actually focused on getting out.

---
Finances are a greater cause for divorce than probably any single other factor. If your wages are being garnished at 50% that indicates several things:
Your wages aren’t high…
Strongly indicates the garnishments are government/federal/state level…
You and your relationship has a financially red background.

Irrespective of your relationship’s future BUT ALSO to improve the relationship then look very very seriously at some personal finance courses and actions. NOTHING will be more helpful towards you and your relationship than some financial structure and/or plan that you can see through and create a financially stable future.
It’s not a question of earing a lot, it’s question of controlling spending and being financially stable. Be that on a pebble of funds or a boulder of money.

Bigger, i know you are right and i know i might have confused.

First posts was 1 or two days after she had the affair.

I wanted out because i thought she was done with me and wanting another man.
And i didnt want to live close to somebody that wanted someone else.

So as i was in shock, i didnt act responsible.
And i started romanticizing her, like hysteria.

I felt like i needed to do everything to make her stop hurting me, because she pays for rent and electricity while i pay of debt, so basically i was living for free, which is a huuuuge advantage in order to be able to pay off my debt.

The period of shock lasted 1 month, and i was overly romanticizing her, like i felt in love with her over again, for no reason.

Its hard to explain, but thats how i felt.

Whats made me wanna leave was the thought of her probably kept meeting him behind my back, and i couldnt handle that while in shock and while suddenly over romanticizing her.

She on the other hand was passive towards me, but also supportive in the way that we talked every single day for the entire month.

Like we never talked before.

She never ever been this open, never.

This allowed me to ask deep questions and find answers in her i never was told.

Now when my shock fades, and i started feeling anger, and the romanticizing fades aswell,
Im starting to feel more clear.

But now suddenly roles are changing.

As i am focusing a bit more on myself,
She slowly starting to want me to stay, or "work it out"
And she even told her affair she wanted him to stop being clingy because she wants to focus trying to save what she has at home.

Our roles basically changed.

And honestly now i feel pretty passive about the situation.

Pretty neutral.

I might just be doing a silent exit.
Or i might agree to work it out.
Or just "live it out" for what it is.

To be honest, now i am the one being "not sure what i want"

While she still not sure, she is hinting a future, or at least an attempt to do so.

Situation is pretty bizzare and messed up still,
But at least im thinking more clearly now.

The first post i made, frustration, shock etc

I would probably have formulated the narrative completly different if i were to rewrite it today.

While she still not sure, she is hinting a future, or at least an attempt to do so.

Hinting only means she’s trying to keep her options open. If she’s not begging for reconciliation and willing to commit 100% her hints are only meant to keep you on the line.

Then says: you will keep me on snapchat yes?

Thats when she said that she wouldnt delete him.

She’s giving you nothing to work with.

Vacation is over, and its veen both great and depressing.

Its been great in the sense that we had a very good time.
We did more together in a month, than we did the past 3 years combined.

My girlfriend seems very satisfied and veen showing sings of happiness.

However, i have been mostly stressed about the fact she are keeping him in her life because "she isnt ready" or "its not as easy as you think"

She opened to me and made me realize the situation is much more complex that what i realized earlier.

So basically they started planning their future, and she been allowing him to fall in love with her, and sent him signals that it was to become them, one day.

Since this was the case, she wasnt able to end the emotional bond as i requested from her.

So i been a "dick" because i have been putting enormous amount on pressure on her as i didnt realize it was such a big deal.

And since i been pressuring her every day the entire summer, she ended up having little sleep, being extremely exhausted and no time to think as she only focused on me being super stressed.

She said she didnt know how to end it as her affair partber was still waiting for her and ready to show his kids to her and his family.

But she dont want this, and think everything went too fast and he being too intense.

So yeah the situation was more messed up that i even realized, and she didnt have to guts nor the idea how to i initialize the breakup.

She also told me she knew deep inside she didnt want him, but me.

And she always knew, but didnt know what i would do considering she cheated, and kept him as an option because she saw me being very up and down. Which is true.
I did stress her and pressure her to end it, or else i would go.

So this made her even more insecure, and that if she ended it, i could have left later on.

She has a strong emotional bond with the affair partner, but says she has no interest in romance or intimacy with him.

Its just the bond that is hard to break.

She explains that the second night with him, she already lost all interest in romance and intimacy.

She says the reason for this was because the tension, adventurous feels she felt for 3 months before they met, suddenly disappeared because she got "everything" the first meetup, and the situation at home (me) changed everything.

However i find it really difficult that she is meeting him to explain to him why it cant work and she needs to express her "sorry" for giving him hope, and she wants to end this in person, face to face, but the first few meetups at his place she wasnt able to do it.

I keep telling her maybe its a bad idea to meet for this, but she insists its the only way, and its not because of him, but because SHE cant go forward in life, if this isnt done properly and ended properly as most of this messes up her head, as its her bad all this happen in the first place.

Ofcourse this triggers my trauma and trust issues as i immediately start thinking they are having a romance.

Which makes her very upset that i keep asking her about it.

I decided to google this and found mixed meanings about doing breakup face to face.

Some said its a bad idea cause meeting will strenghten the bond,
While others said this was the most "grown up" and respectful way to "hurt" a person.

She keep reassuring me every day that she want to reconcile, and with me only, and that she can only see a future with me.

But she is very insecure about what i want or whats gonna happen mostly because i been very up and down.

She doesbt seem to understand that the fact i been acting like this, is solely because she is still in contact with him.

She keep telling me i have absolutely nothing to worry about as all as she is in the process of breaking up with him, and its really hard because he is not taking it well, and she knows its her bad the situation is like this, and its been difficult to initiate the breakup "process"
As she always left a tiny bit of breadcrumbs for him because she was insecure about the situation with me.

The last week, i decided to not pressure her, and to completly stop, and only focus on good things.

She then approached me today and said she is finally ready.

She said not having to listen to my concerns for a week, let her clear up her.mind and sleep well, and she is really ready to completly end it.

She wabts to see him a last time to break the bad news for him, as it would be easier now, as she slowly progressed to this point, by leaving hints that she needed to get over him earlier.

But she says she is really ready and hope that i will stay which i said yes,and that it will work out.

Ofcourse this triggered my trauma again so i been stressing for a day, after chilling for a week

I dont know.

Maybe she is right. Maybe she needed time to break up.

Maybe it was.much.much.much harder than what i thought.

Maybe i put pressure on her and been a dick.

Or

Maybe she is bluffing me.

Its hard to know.

But at least we agreed to reconcile.

And i hope she is honest and after ending it, shes honest about it and we can move on, and nothing going on behind my back.
And i hope i can build trust again if this go as planned.

I would appreciate anyone in HER position could give any inputs.

All I got from your last post is she is still promising no contact after meeting him one last time.

Did she have to unhinge her jaw to get that much cake in her mouth?

She also still has contact with the guy she cheated woth, but no sexual or flirting.
Just casual.

Contact is still contact regardless of what she claims it is. There should be absolute No Contact with an AP. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

OP get out of there. Go and read my story. I stayed and was the driver of R. She was kind of trapped into staying after my public breakdown. I should have gone straight away. Would have saved my sanity and my dignity.

She had an affair, she doesn’t want you or respect you so your only option is to remove yourself from the situation.

I think she's fooling herself more than she's trying to fool you.

The best way to break a bond is to break it - to go NC. No easy letdown. No politeness. She owes nothing to her ap - he knew he was cheating with her. Her ap owes nothing to her.

You can't control her. She will see him if she wants to see him. But if she does, she's making a bad choice for herself.

*****

Do you have requirements for R? If so, what are they?

UPDATE: things are turning sad.

You guys might have been right all along.
Ive been too "in love", and love makes you blind.

I dont know of she literally fools me, uses me, or just have issues herself.

But today she made it clear, it was no future between us.
And that she has no feelings, and doubt she will ever get them back.

Thos girl is the most confusing woman ibe encountered.

Yes i been there for 10 years,
But its not the same woman.
I cant recognize her.

So here is the story:

Her kid came for a 8 week vacation:

So she cheated on me in may.
I found out 1 week later.
After that she didnt see him again, but kept contact, hourly every day.

So she kept saying she was "confused" and needing time.

I did forgive her if she wanted to reconcile, which she sort of wanted to consider.

So she said, if the summer went good, and we had a blast on vacation,
Maybe her feelings came back, amd she felt more clear.

So i agreed, lets have a great vacation with her kid.

Her kid absolutely loves me more than anything
And my GF knows this.

We agreed to keep a low profile about her infidelity to protect the kid.

The last thing the kid needed to see was me storming out, leaving for good.

I had trauma and anxiety:

The fact she kept chatting with him over the summer, gave me so much anxiety, that i kept asking her, maybe 50 times a day. If she is chatting with him.

She said: a little bit, but just casual, nothing serious.
Hes not sending that often.

But her behaviour showed differently, which kept me asking her and irritating her.

I could see hpw irritated and angry she is on me the entire summer, as i kept asking her, pushing her, giving her sleepless nights over this.

Which escalated to the point where she roght before the vacation told me she had to go see him to ask him to slow down and stop so she could get some peace during the vacation.

I agreed this was a good idea, but i didnt like the fact she wanted to go see him fpr a few hours to explain the situation.

It triggered my trauma so badly that i just bursted out in anger. Sadly infront pf her kid too, and threatened to leave of she "went around the town anymore to spread her legs"

Yes i know, absolutely overreacted.

And she already demonized me so much anyways, this was kinda the last drop fpr her.

But our vacation was soon to start, and she wanted to see him anyways as the vacation was her main priority.

So i calmed down, and agreed to drive her to him, whiøe me and her kid was waiting in car for three hours.

Ofc i expected the worst and was thinking she was cheating, evern while i had her kid.

She finally was comming towards the car, walking like and idiot, and i told her, you walk like you been sitting on a horses back for hours.

She just looks at me bloody serious for a moment, and then silence.

I ask her: so did you tell him to stop?

She replied: yes, we will get peace for a while.

The next day, one day before vacation:

Im still thinking about the last day, when she met him.
Im very annoyed and i feel the story she tells
About her visit, has elements of lies.

This annoys me, and i ask her out fpr a drive without the kid so we could talk.

Im being anxious, and shes being just over the top defensive and angry, still insists he wont be bothering her with chatting.
Even though i still see she using her phone alot that day.

So i kept pushing her, when shes angry.

And kept pushing and kept pushing...

Eventually she snapped and said:

"FINE" i didnt end it properly.
"i gave him hope that i was confused and that i could end up woth him in the future"

She again: "i didnt mean to give him hope, but it just happened"

She insists: i have to go see him again so i can clear this up properly and tell him it is nothing!

I saw her serious eyes, and thought, this time she gotta completly shit him off.

So me and kid waiting in car again, whiøe she goes for that "talk" all over again.

And, remember, me and her are NOT in good companionship these days.

She thinking only negative about me, what could possibly go wrong.

Well she ends up comming out after 3 hours again saying "now its fixed" lets go vacation.

This was her 2 out of 7 visits to come...

Yes it never stopped.

But anyways the vacation started and we all drove far away. Camping and tons of cool activities.

She finally seemed happy about me.
She enjoyed herself and her kid too.

She saod she even started feeling alittle butterflies again.
And from my side it also felt good.
Like old day.
Good vibes etc.

I did notice she still used her phone.

But she said, he barely sends my anything.
Like very rarely. Its nothing.

I still didnt completly trust her.

So i kept being anxious about it. And did ask her regularly.

She seemed a bit less annoyed by me asking now.

So the vacation lasted for two weeks
And we already planned two new weeks somewhere else, but first we were going to habe a few weeks at home before going on next vacation.

Back home, before next trip:

Were back home, and my gf looks really happy.

She approaches me very smiley and happy, and tells me this:

She: "i really wanted to tell you that the trip we had was amazing and that i cleared up alot of thoughts and know i really want you.
I felt butterflies for you and feeling very happy, and i thought you would be happy to hear this"

Ofc this made me happy and suddenly kida snapped me out of my depression and anxiety.

She finally looks herself again...
FINALLY!

This is great news.

Then she said:

"so i need to meet him a last time to finally end this for good and delete him on socials for good"

This time i didnt feel bad at all, and immediately agreed to drive her there.

Because he was her affair partner for long time on socials, and she slept ober at him 2 nights in may, she told me she needed time to do this the proper way to respect him and for herself, so she could get over him fpr good.

She explains there was ofcourse feelings involved and stuff, and it was tough.

She was there for 5 hours.

After waiting for that long, she finally came out, smelling beer, but not drunk.

I asked her, and she told.me she was in good company as he had friends comming over and got offered a beer, and was sorry fpr ot taking so long, but she saod she completed her.mission.

But he took it hard and didnt want her to remove him yet, he needed some time to process
Which she agrees to.

I gonna shorten to story from now on

As you can imagime, she never ended it.

In the end she started making excuses that she is a "pussy" and cant say it.

I knew something dodgy was going on and you will soon find out.

So we went for a second trip in our vacation.

Which she wanted a 4th visit to him, in order to end it.

And after the second trip and we were home again, she wanted a 5th, 6th and 7th visit.

Still using the excuse she was too pussy to just end it properly.

But kept weaving the story that she gradually ended it.

So a summary of HER version of all visits:

-1st, just a visit, we just talked, i couldn't say anything.

-2nd just talked this time too, i couldnt find the guts to say it and chickened out.

-3rd visit was AFTER the vacation, which she said she really wanted to end it.
She said he was getting intense, talking about her moving im, marrying etc and pushing her to end ot with me, which turned her off and made her say they should probably break contact.
But then felt bad as he got sad, and immediately said that.there maybe was something in future.

-4th she wanted to stop it for real, and prepared herself beforehand, and now said she didnt have feelings for him, and wanted him to stop.

5th, 6th and 7th basically same as the 4th.
Gradually telling him that there isnt something in the future, but kept leaving breadcrumbs for him. Still.

Now, all above, was just a lie, which i believed, sadly.
As her ability to play a character in front of me is absolutely astonishing! And believable!

I kept noticing her on phone, and she kept telling me he have almost completly stopped contacting her...

But this was never the case.

In the end of vacatiom, last two weeks at home, she have changed to a more lovable person.

She started acting like we were properøy together again

Last two weeks, before kid was leaving for summer, and vacation was over.

She started acting like a girlfriend again.

Lovebombing, kissing, cuddling, everything.

I felt it was real.

She told me, her AP got so intense she lost all feelings for him, and just want him to stop for good.

Her kid sadly being too.much involved this summer, even told my gf, that the kid wanted her mom to stop visiting this guy all the time, because she didnt want to come back if i was gone.

Which ofc hurt my gf alot.

I thought maybe this was a wakeup call for good.
And now simce we been quite loving too lately, i felt that she probably have gotten rid of him after all these visits, finally.

But boy was i wrong.

Few days left until kid was leaving, and i really felt anxiety.

REALLY felt it!

Whats going to happen now when kid leaves.

Things gonna change, im feeling it.

Kid is leaving, vacation is over.

Kid is leaving this day, my gf assures the kid that i (me) will be here next time kid comes, and kid must not worry.

This makes me feel safe to hear, and i finally feel safer now than the entire summer.

She wants me here.... Or not?

The kid has left.

And weekend closing in.

Why hasnt GF asked me for any plans?

Whats going on?

The atmoshpere about everytjing suddenly feels tense.

So i decided to do it again.

To SPY on her computer. To get answers.

So i checked her google LOG, and find that she searched for "i lobe you quotes"

So i thought, did she send me any lobe quotes last night? Hmmm...
No she didnt.

My heart started racing, and i popped her facebook up to check her messenger.

And there it was.

Her AP. Now i could read what they talked about.

Remember she said she had cut, or reduced contact woth him.

No, messages was about her last visit to him.

The 7th visit.

He had written: when can you come, i need some love.

And she had replied: oh i will sure give you.

So this is it.

An entire summer of lies and betrayal, a kid involved in drama, and me, absolutely fucked.

So ofc i had to ask her about this to get a good explanation.

And sure, she gave it to me.

So forst she absolutely freaked at the fact i peeked in her messages, but i couldnt care less.

Now she explains everything.

But what she explains, was the new explanation another lie, or was it finally the truth?

Lets discover:

She: "i has to do this. Because of the kid, because i was afraid to be alone, and i didnt want you to leave me while kid was seeing it"

I said: "what do you mean? You loved him the entire summer, you been chatting with him alpt wjen you said you wasnt, and you told me you have made it clear for him that you didnt habe feelings for him?"

She: "i had to do this. I couldn't let him go, i needed a backup in case you left me, and he is a very intense dude that needs me to chat him all the time, or he would think something is wrong."

She: "im scared of being alone, im scared of you leaving. I wanted to have him in backroumd as potential mate incase you left.

Me: "but i already told you i wouldnt leave, whats the point of this?"

She: "i had to fake thos to him, fake lovebomb him just to keep him upfront.
Thats why i had to leep visit him, or he would think something was wrong"

Me: "BUT o told you i would stay??? Reconcile?"

She: "i know, but you would have changed your mind, i haven't told you the full story about me and AP...."

She havent told me the full story

She: "the first two visits, i had sex with him.
I was thinking negative about you and i honestly didnt give a flying fuck"

She: "but after our first vacation, i knew i wanted you, and he got so intense i couldn't stand him anymore, but kept pretending i wanted him because i was 99% sure you would leave if i told you this, so thats why i waited the entire summer to say it, so you wouldnt storm out in front of my daughter, while keep feedimg him fake lobe just to keep him as an option if you left."

She: "i planned to tell you all this, after she left, but you found out now"

This is just sad...

So it was my turn, to say if i stay or leave.
After this story, do i believe it or do i not?

Should i just play her now, just to see her next move?

Ok.

Lets see.

So i said: "im not leaving, but you fake love him?"

She: "yes, i had to, and i knew all the time since thord visot that i dont want anything to do with him, and i want to 100% reconcile"

She wanted a very last visit

I dont know what to say.
After she told me all this, i almost wanted to believe it.

Because i understand with the kid
I understand she has fear of being alone
..

But she wanted a last visit.

Now she explains she planned this fpr a very long time, exactly how to do it.

She had no feelings for him she said.
But she has respect and like him as person, but no romance.

She planned, that the only good exit, was to SLEEP OVER.

Yesssss trigger my trauma thank you very.much.

She said she couldnt get past this unless she slept there, on the couch.
After a long chat with him.

She explains how we can fix everything after this.
We can mend all hurt together,
She gonna give me all the time i need to heal,
We can finally go past this.

Her promises, for once, sounds plausible.
At least she doesnt mumble.
She seems very clear.

She says, she prepared for this moment, very long.

Im just fuked in my head at this point and says she can just go.

So she went to him.

And here is her story of what happened there

She: "i came in the door, and immediately said that we had to end this now, i know this comes as a shock but i will explain everything for you (AP)"

She: "he didnt expect this, which i planned, because if he suspected it he would have denied me to see him"

She: "when i came in he have prepared a beautiful table, with candles and amazing food, i felt so horrible, but i told him, i could eat with him no worries"

She: "we ate, and spoke until 2 at night and he was in complete shock, his face were white and he could just not understand what was happening"

She: "he eventually came to terms but was still in shock"

AP eventually had said: "i tried all i could, but i cant do anything more now, this is not what i imagined"

She: "AP kept being obsessed by why i kept faking love for him, and even when i explained, he didnt understand or grasp it"

I was sitting at home

I sat home and had my trauma alarm go full retard ofc.

So i decided to keep chatting with her over the night.

And suprisingly she kept answering me detailed texts about their conversation.

She explains that i must please not stress.

Her visit this time had completly different intensions than what i tought, and that i please stay calm. And she kept.bombing me with heart emojis.

Then she wrote: "its late now, were going to sleep."

I reply: "you on the couch yes?"

She: "yees calm down, this will be good for me and you now"

Me: "so you go to sleep at same time as him? Weird..."

She: "im tired, i need sleep, he is about to go upstairs now. Im sleeping on couch yes"

Me: "so you need to say immediately good night to me now because he is going upstairs? Like you cant chat a few minutes with me on couch? After hes gone upstairs?"

She: "stop worrying please"

Then she proceeds to send me 2 pictures of herself on coach, sending hesrt emojis and good night.

Im still unconfortable, but what can i do.
This girl been running her own show this entire summer. So i just end up falling asleep myself.

Day after

This is the day, she promised change.

Wasnt i supposed to wake up from a nightmare today?

She came home.
Ready to tell me how it all went.

She didnt really have that much to tell.
She said he mostly kept asking a.million questions all night, mostly about why she fake loved him and never said the truth.

I also asked why they didnt remove social.medias,

And she says he already understood that he couldnt get on in life without removing her, but he was in shock but would get rid of her sooner or later.

I asked her, why she doesnt just remove him?

She said: "we had a good ending with no hard feelings, he is sad, but i dont.mind, he will not contact me again and he will remove me when he realized what happened"

Im not too sure what this night was truly about, and why she waited for this moment for so long..

But what i do know, is her promises about our future, was a lie.

Because the next day, we went fishing, to try to do something nice together.

1 day after she "broke up" with AP

Fishing, sure.
It was a long drive. And she kept holding my hand.
Listening to music, explaining how the songs she played was like therapy for her because of the shame she had after the infidelity.
And how certain songs made her think about me all the time.

She being intimate holding.my hand felt good, but something bothers me.

I dont feel the "change" is actually real..
Something feels off...

I know he still in her social media, and can potentially contact.

I was thinking, maybe she made up the story yesterday.

What is real anymore and what is not.

So i asked, one last time:

"you still have him on socials, for the reason, you two can keep in touch"

AND, she snapped at me.

From holding hands, and expressing shame,
To absolutely go full darkside.

Not like screaming like a goat,
But like her energy changed from positive, to very dark.

And she says: "i am so done with your controlling shit now, i cant even look at my phone anymore witjout you mentioning him, i dont want to talk about this anymore now, i am so emotionally and mentally drained, and i been so this entire summer, its been so hard, its like a pillow in my face, i cant breathe anymore!!!"

I couldn't resist: "so you dont wanna talk about the FACT that you two still chats?"

And she vents: "HE HAVENT SENT ME A SINGLE SNAPCHAT TODAY, AND HE EVEN HAVE BIRTHDAY TODAY WHICH HE PLANNED LONG AGO THAT ME AND HIM WAS GOING OUT THIS WEEKEND!, DOES IT LOOK LIKE WERE OUT TOGETHER??? NO! BECAUSE I ENDED IT YESTERDAY AND I FEEL FUCKING AWFUL THAT HE MADE THAT ROMANTIC FOOD AND ALL STUFF, AND I GAVE HIM THIS... ON HIS BIRTHDAY! I LIKE THE MAN, AND I FEEL BAD FOR HIM, BUT I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR HIM AND DOESNT WANT ANYTJING WITH HIM TO DO, OK???".

and then, boom.

She picks up her phone, and i sneak peek on it, and see him sends a snap to her.

I say: oh look, he snapped you.

She: yes, and ots the first today, see yourself.

And she shows me a text from.him that says

"i feel weird since yesterday, are you doing the same?"

Where she replied: "no im ok, congratulations"

So we go on fishing and the energy between us is horrible.

She keep fiddling with her phone all the time.

And i couldnt resist: "chatting?"

She: "NO ITS MY FUKING COLLEAGUES"

and then, it leaks out of her.

The lies, of the lies

Did she just confess, or did i push her too far

She: "you know, i never had feelings for you this summer.
I tried sooop hard during the vacation, but i couldnt feel anything.
Yes, i was happy, as a family, with you as a friend.
I have friend vibes from you the entire summer, but no feelings.
I just wanted to be alone.
Thats what i truly want.
Alone.
I wanted you as a friend, so we could meet, but not live together.

I want to be alone, and get rest.

And no, i dont want him.
I ended with him
And now i end with you.

I lost feelings for him.
And i lost for you.

I TRIED!

But there is NOTHING.

I feel nothing but suffocation and irritation.

And i felt this for sooooo LONG. Its not new.
Its not just today.
But for very long!

I answer: "you said we had all the time in the world, if you ended it with him, to repair this and mend the wounds?"

She: "i just said that, because i didnt want to lose you.
As a friend.
Because, you habe said, if you leave, you cut all ties, i dont want that, but i understand it.

Me: "this confusion has reached new heights, what the heck is going on with you"

She: "yes, i tried to hint this to you for long, but i always told you we could fix things, because im afraid to lose you as friends.
And because i dont.like seeing you sad.
When you are sad, i say nice things i dont.mean, to please you."

Soooo, we go home, after 1 hour silence in car.
She finally eats food, she is very "hangry"

And suddenly calmly says to me:

"did you tjink i tried too llittle to find feelings?"

I replied: "well yeah? Its like, 24 hours ago you ended your affair lol, didnt you like have all the time in the world like you said?"

And she says: "ok, and can try for a few days more, but i promise nothing"

As i start to understand for real now, i just ask her a test question:

"wanna go camping next weekend?"

She:
"i dont plan anything now"

So yeah. Guess things DRAMATICALLY changed after kid left, and now she want me gone, not today, but later.
Thats what she says.

And somehow wanna be friends.
Which absolutely not gonna happen.

So i went from feeling safe, to absolutely brutally being thrown into survivalmode again.

This woman is seriously abusing me.

Far too many words here and no action. Walk away and don't get sucked in by her words. Let your family know and hers too if she has one. Seek a new path, maybe avoid relationships for a few months.

You have to stop believing a liar.

Get out of this mess and get yourself some counseling and support.

It will do you a world of good.

UPDATE: things are turning sad.

Brother, this ends when you say it ends. Your partner had an affair and she brought you and her kid along in the car so you could wait while she "said goodbye" to him multiple times. I will admit that I haven't had a ton of long term relationships in my life, my wife was only the second relationship that I've had that got past the 2 month mark, but I've had a fair number of shorter relationships end and it didn't take 3 minutes let alone 3 hours. She wasn't saying goodbye, she was using you as her driver so she could go over and knock boots with him again. She has been in active affair the whole time and you have been doing the pick me dance for the whole summer.

Find yourself a place to live, move out and never look back. I know that it is going to be very difficult, as you still have strong feelings for this woman, but she brings you nothing but hurt and suffering your life. We only get one life and it is too short to lose as much as time as you have lost pining for her to come back to her senses. It is really truly time to cut your losses and move forward without her in your life.