Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Nbbb

General :
Reflection (honestly a distraction)

This Topic is Archived
default

HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 9:41 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

There is no short cut around the well worn paths in our brains. For something this immensely huge, our lives, our love, we each need fully experiential learning. I’m not saying don’t give the advice, I’m sure there are faster learners than me, but for God’s sake please be patient as people walk thru this.


So true.

The heart wants what it wants. To ignore that and just follow someone else’s advice would not be true to one’s self.

It is hard for us to watch, but there it is. We’ve just cheated and read the last page in the book.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3177   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8792081
default

 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 10:25 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

It is hard for us to watch, but there it is. We’ve just cheated and read the last page in the book.

Perfectly said.

I could have listened to the advice of some here and been a hard ass from the beginning, but it would have been completely inauthentic. If it was me playing a game of chicken with my entire life on the line, there is no way my resolve would have held. So the only way to come to the point of being willing to let go of something so utterly precious is immense pain. The heart wants what it wants.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1897   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8792086
default

Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 8:16 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

True. Heart wants what it wants. But, I do wonder why we come to a platform like this forum seeking helps and advices if our heart has already decided what it wants and how it wants. We are obviously in no shape and mind to do what it takes to get out of infidelity until we have suffered enough. So, what is the point of seeking help from outside if the only way to escape infidelity is to suffer enough?

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 9:35 PM, Wednesday, May 24th]

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8792221
default

 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 8:30 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Much in every way!

I could have taken a hundred different paths in this thing. Just imagine what I might have done if I didn’t have the NO RUGSWEEPING fairy constantly whispering in my ear (that was meant as a compliment to no one in particular). I can hardly even comprehend right now how much I’ve gained from the patient wisdom that has calmed me at times, urged action at other times, helped me understand paradoxical situations that were tearing a hole in my heart. Even just the amazing camaraderie is worth the stop. I am going to be forever grateful for this community. If I would have R’d, I would have given credit for helping in saving my M. Now in a different path, I give credit for helping me save me.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1897   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8792226
default

Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 9:12 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Glad that you got some help from people here. smile

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8792237
default

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:28 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

So, what is the point of seeking help from outside if the only way to escape infidelity is to suffer enough?

I think you use better strategies during the suffering. I think it deepens the understanding of your suffering. I think it helps extinguish false hope that would prolong the suffering.

The only way to lose weight is also via suffering, yet there are endless strategies out there for managing the suffering in the best possible way.

I found the advice here very useful through limbo and in R. A self-plotted course would certainly have been at least as painful, and likely unsuccessful. I was steeped in typical societal expectations about affairs. I would have been more prone to rugsweeping and accepting blameshifting.

So we might all have to suffer, and enough to lose our M, in order to get to the end be it R or D. But I think what the end is will be path dependent on how we accrue that suffering.

I think it's pretty evident what the point is. The advice is here to help us maximize the value of the suffering.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2632   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8792238
default

RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 8:39 AM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

And then, of course, the further irony is that I am now earning a chance to get back something I no longer want.


Flip your thinking on this.

It is not YOU that is earning a chance, it is you GIVING your WW a chance.

You don't have to earn any 'chances' from your WW, whilst your WW has to earn everything from you for a CHANCE at R. Even if she does earn the chance at R, there is no guarantee that the M will survive.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 1146   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8792285
default

Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 11:40 AM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

This0is0Fine: that was brilliant post. It accurately describes the role this forum plays. Now, my role as a member is more clearer to me. Thanks for it.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8792292
default

jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 11:46 AM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

And then, of course, the further irony is that I am now earning a chance to get back something I no longer want.

I agree with Rocket. 'Earn' is not the right term. More like 'I'm being presented with' or 'I'm being offered'.

Semantics, syntax.....whatever we want to call it. But sometimes one simple word changes the whole context of a message.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married over 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4350   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8792293
default

JasonCh ( member #80102) posted at 2:13 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

So, what is the point of seeking help from outside if the only way to escape infidelity is to suffer enough?

I like to think of it as looking for the 2 x 4s of truth to impart some wisdom. It is an extension of trust your gut.

posts: 463   ·   registered: Mar. 18th, 2022
id 8792306
default

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 5:40 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

You know RealityBlows, this may be a threadjack, but how your WW acted after her affair, would have been such a total mindfuck to me if I were in your position.

My WW’s conduct during her affair is not what killed the marriage, it was her conduct after. Watching her version of remorse and self and marital reconciliation taught me a lot about the woman I THOUGHT I KNEW. I realized I never REALLY knew her. Reconciliation is a crucible that burns away the impurities, all subjectivity, the assumptions, facades, masks, the rose colored love goggles and, exposes our spouses for who they really are. I can’t think of a more rigorous, comprehensive test of love and devotion than a Wayward’s fight to save their marriage after infidelity.

I had never realized just how little emotional intelligence my wife had, how shallow she was. She was reading all the books, but not really getting it, only superficially, rotely comprehending the profound lessons. I never fully realized how little emotional intimacy we had, how difficult it was for her to self examine and have deep uncomfortable conversations. After her affair, during R, she just seemed incredibly fake. I desperately tried to cut down to the real Mrs Realityblows, but she she just wouldn’t-couldn’t go there.

I kept finding myself doing all the damned work. Doing all the comforting, reassuring, discussing, exploring, even apologizing! I finally realized I need to step back and be willing to loose the marriage.

My WW’s conduct in R was much worse than InkHulk’s WW and it still took me over 16-18 months to decide to D. I wish I had those 16-18 months back. Those 16-18 months brutalized our family. I wish I would’ve D’d sooner, ripped off the bandaid. Hindsight is always 20-20. I remember vividly the anguish that Ink is going through. Is she screwing up R or am I screwing it up? I kept giving her chances thinking she would eventually evolve into the remorseful WW I needed, but she consistently showed me exactly who she actually was.

posts: 1307   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8792349
default

 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 6:07 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Oh, we’re comparing now, are we? wink

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1897   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8792355
default

emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 6:12 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Reconciliation is a crucible that burns away the impurities, all subjectivity, the assumptions, facades, masks, the rose colored love goggles and, exposes our spouses for who they really are. I can’t think of a more rigorous, comprehensive test of love and devotion than a Wayward’s fight to save their marriage after infidelity.

Nothing to add, I just wanted to say that this is really beautifully written RealityBlows.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8792356
default

Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 6:18 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

RB-

Reconciliation is a crucible that burns away the impurities, all subjectivity, the assumptions, facades, masks, the rose colored love goggles and, exposes our spouses for who they really are. I can’t think of a more rigorous, comprehensive test of love and devotion than a Wayward’s fight to save their marriage after infidelity.

Wow! So perfectly said and amazingly succinct -- I think it should be pinned above the R forum. Maybe the WW forum too.

Married 36+ years, together 41+ yearsTwo awesome adult sons. Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored."It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4701   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8792357
default

MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 6:38 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Traumatic experiences teach us a lot.

When I was helping my dad in the last year of his life I learned a lot about end of life preparation.

When I was getting a divorce I learned a lot about my XWW, hopium, trickletruth, lies, the legal side and the emotional side of a divorce.

I will never again need the wisdom I got helping my dad.
Hopefully I will never need the knowledge I gained in my marriage in future relationships but I try to help the newbies on their path when I can.

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1271   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8792365
default

 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 9:13 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

RB’s words have been rattling around my head, along with Lurking’s question. I want to re-emphasize that this community, along with IC, helped me have a vision of what I should expect from my wife in the recovery process. Someone wrote about feeling like a crow, storing the pittances from their WS as shiny treasures (sorry I don’t remember where that is to give credit, but I loved it), and that easily could have been me. And reading stories of those like WaitedWayTooLong gave me a healthy fear of what a really bad outcome could look like (no offense). Man, I’ve learned so much, I’m so grateful to you all.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1897   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8792386
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20240523a 2002-2024 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy