SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There is no short cut around the well worn paths in our brains. For something this immensely huge, our lives, our love, we each need fully experiential learning. I’m not saying don’t give the advice, I’m sure there are faster learners than me, but for God’s sake please be patient as people walk thru this.

So true.

The heart wants what it wants. To ignore that and just follow someone else’s advice would not be true to one’s self.

It is hard for us to watch, but there it is. We’ve just cheated and read the last page in the book.

It is hard for us to watch, but there it is. We’ve just cheated and read the last page in the book.

Perfectly said.

I could have listened to the advice of some here and been a hard ass from the beginning, but it would have been completely inauthentic. If it was me playing a game of chicken with my entire life on the line, there is no way my resolve would have held. So the only way to come to the point of being willing to let go of something so utterly precious is immense pain. The heart wants what it wants.

True. Heart wants what it wants. But, I do wonder why we come to a platform like this forum seeking helps and advices if our heart has already decided what it wants and how it wants. We are obviously in no shape and mind to do what it takes to get out of infidelity until we have suffered enough. So, what is the point of seeking help from outside if the only way to escape infidelity is to suffer enough?

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 9:35 PM, Wednesday, May 24th]

Much in every way!

I could have taken a hundred different paths in this thing. Just imagine what I might have done if I didn’t have the NO RUGSWEEPING fairy constantly whispering in my ear (that was meant as a compliment to no one in particular). I can hardly even comprehend right now how much I’ve gained from the patient wisdom that has calmed me at times, urged action at other times, helped me understand paradoxical situations that were tearing a hole in my heart. Even just the amazing camaraderie is worth the stop. I am going to be forever grateful for this community. If I would have R’d, I would have given credit for helping in saving my M. Now in a different path, I give credit for helping me save me.

Glad that you got some help from people here.

So, what is the point of seeking help from outside if the only way to escape infidelity is to suffer enough?

I think you use better strategies during the suffering. I think it deepens the understanding of your suffering. I think it helps extinguish false hope that would prolong the suffering.

The only way to lose weight is also via suffering, yet there are endless strategies out there for managing the suffering in the best possible way.

I found the advice here very useful through limbo and in R. A self-plotted course would certainly have been at least as painful, and likely unsuccessful. I was steeped in typical societal expectations about affairs. I would have been more prone to rugsweeping and accepting blameshifting.

So we might all have to suffer, and enough to lose our M, in order to get to the end be it R or D. But I think what the end is will be path dependent on how we accrue that suffering.

I think it's pretty evident what the point is. The advice is here to help us maximize the value of the suffering.

And then, of course, the further irony is that I am now earning a chance to get back something I no longer want.

Flip your thinking on this.

It is not YOU that is earning a chance, it is you GIVING your WW a chance.

You don't have to earn any 'chances' from your WW, whilst your WW has to earn everything from you for a CHANCE at R. Even if she does earn the chance at R, there is no guarantee that the M will survive.

This0is0Fine: that was brilliant post. It accurately describes the role this forum plays. Now, my role as a member is more clearer to me. Thanks for it.

And then, of course, the further irony is that I am now earning a chance to get back something I no longer want.

I agree with Rocket. 'Earn' is not the right term. More like 'I'm being presented with' or 'I'm being offered'.

Semantics, syntax.....whatever we want to call it. But sometimes one simple word changes the whole context of a message.

So, what is the point of seeking help from outside if the only way to escape infidelity is to suffer enough?

I like to think of it as looking for the 2 x 4s of truth to impart some wisdom. It is an extension of trust your gut.

You know RealityBlows, this may be a threadjack, but how your WW acted after her affair, would have been such a total mindfuck to me if I were in your position.

My WW’s conduct during her affair is not what killed the marriage, it was her conduct after. Watching her version of remorse and self and marital reconciliation taught me a lot about the woman I THOUGHT I KNEW. I realized I never REALLY knew her. Reconciliation is a crucible that burns away the impurities, all subjectivity, the assumptions, facades, masks, the rose colored love goggles and, exposes our spouses for who they really are. I can’t think of a more rigorous, comprehensive test of love and devotion than a Wayward’s fight to save their marriage after infidelity.

I had never realized just how little emotional intelligence my wife had, how shallow she was. She was reading all the books, but not really getting it, only superficially, rotely comprehending the profound lessons. I never fully realized how little emotional intimacy we had, how difficult it was for her to self examine and have deep uncomfortable conversations. After her affair, during R, she just seemed incredibly fake. I desperately tried to cut down to the real Mrs Realityblows, but she she just wouldn’t-couldn’t go there.

I kept finding myself doing all the damned work. Doing all the comforting, reassuring, discussing, exploring, even apologizing! I finally realized I need to step back and be willing to loose the marriage.

My WW’s conduct in R was much worse than InkHulk’s WW and it still took me over 16-18 months to decide to D. I wish I had those 16-18 months back. Those 16-18 months brutalized our family. I wish I would’ve D’d sooner, ripped off the bandaid. Hindsight is always 20-20. I remember vividly the anguish that Ink is going through. Is she screwing up R or am I screwing it up? I kept giving her chances thinking she would eventually evolve into the remorseful WW I needed, but she consistently showed me exactly who she actually was.

Oh, we’re comparing now, are we?

Reconciliation is a crucible that burns away the impurities, all subjectivity, the assumptions, facades, masks, the rose colored love goggles and, exposes our spouses for who they really are. I can’t think of a more rigorous, comprehensive test of love and devotion than a Wayward’s fight to save their marriage after infidelity.

Nothing to add, I just wanted to say that this is really beautifully written RealityBlows.

RB-

Reconciliation is a crucible that burns away the impurities, all subjectivity, the assumptions, facades, masks, the rose colored love goggles and, exposes our spouses for who they really are. I can’t think of a more rigorous, comprehensive test of love and devotion than a Wayward’s fight to save their marriage after infidelity.

Wow! So perfectly said and amazingly succinct -- I think it should be pinned above the R forum. Maybe the WW forum too.

Traumatic experiences teach us a lot.

When I was helping my dad in the last year of his life I learned a lot about end of life preparation.

When I was getting a divorce I learned a lot about my XWW, hopium, trickletruth, lies, the legal side and the emotional side of a divorce.

I will never again need the wisdom I got helping my dad.
Hopefully I will never need the knowledge I gained in my marriage in future relationships but I try to help the newbies on their path when I can.

RB’s words have been rattling around my head, along with Lurking’s question. I want to re-emphasize that this community, along with IC, helped me have a vision of what I should expect from my wife in the recovery process. Someone wrote about feeling like a crow, storing the pittances from their WS as shiny treasures (sorry I don’t remember where that is to give credit, but I loved it), and that easily could have been me. And reading stories of those like WaitedWayTooLong gave me a healthy fear of what a really bad outcome could look like (no offense). Man, I’ve learned so much, I’m so grateful to you all.