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Newest Member: GotLynched

Reconciliation :
You can’t even take this?!?!

Topic is Sleeping.

 Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 2:38 PM on Friday, May 12th, 2023

So I had my birthday after DD. My husband paid for it. It was at a place I selected. I became fast friends with the owner of the space.

He is gay and the reason I mention it is to add context and to show we were not romantically connected but kindred spirits like two long lost friends who love fashion and pretty things.

My husband became immediately jealous of our friendship and connection.

One photograph opp I wanted had sparklers involved. When my friend was trying to coordinate everyone people were kinda drunk and not listening especially my FWH so he got a little irritated with my husband who said something rude.

My husband is still upset with me for siding with my friend and saying he was trying to get the photo.

My FWH is hurt because he feells like I sided with him instead of my husband. I preferred his view of the situation. I excused my friend’s negative behavior.

Can you all IMAGINE?!?!?! Me merely saying my friend was justified in getting Upset felt like a violation and his feelings are hurt!?!?! (Typed this without reading glasses on)

But you slept with an AP and told her you loved her and I’m supposed to get over that?!?

Is your FWS this sensitive?


[This message edited by Howcthappen at 2:43 PM, Friday, May 12th]

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 225   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8790606

Saltishealing ( member #82817) posted at 2:56 PM on Friday, May 12th, 2023

Definitely lack of introspection or self awareness on his part. Yes, my WH was like this at times before d day. His ego was oh so fragile. I called him out sometimes before but tried to be more understanding. Now he knows he has no moral high ground on anything. He is not like that at all since d day. Not that I want a relationship that is one sided And he can’t tell me if he’s upset. But the petty fragile ego crap is over. I won’t even entertain it. I think most cheaters are emotionally immature to a degree. I think they can grow and change but at the time they cheated I just don’t think an emotionally mature person can cheat. At least not without immediate remorse and honesty. Which is quite rare in most of our cases.

posts: 79   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2023
id 8790611

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 11:38 PM on Friday, May 12th, 2023

If you are going to R, you can't just compare every conflict to the A. Nothing will stand up to it.

The A is horrible and wrong. No matter how horrible and wrong it is, a WS or fWS is still a person with normal feelings.

Sometimes people have minor conflicts over slights like this. I think the issue is that he feels slighted against in being a your spouse who you are supposed to support and be loyal to. He gave you one of the worst betrayals, so it is hypocritical, of sorts. It's really only hypocritical if he thinks his A isn't bad and a much worse offense against loyalty.

I get why you are hurt, and you have been heard.

All that said... My wife would probably end up apologizing for being drunk and unruly the next day.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2654   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8790732

 Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 11:17 AM on Saturday, May 13th, 2023


Thank you. He says this all the time. Everything I say always compares his infraction or my infraction to the affair and loses everytime. I suppose I should try to separate everything completely. I still love him but I’m still looking at him like a liar and a betrayer—- like at any moment I’m going to find something out. I’m sure it’s hard for him as he’s working really hard to be a better man.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 225   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8790769

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:06 PM on Saturday, May 13th, 2023

It's hard to reach the balance between not rugsweeping and not bludgeoning the WS with the A.

You ought to be honest about your emotions, but at the same time not intermingle the past problems with the current problems, unless they are relevant. This is definitely a mixed case and I feel for you.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2654   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8790787

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 6:28 PM on Sunday, May 14th, 2023

Since you refer to him as FWS you believe him and are working on R. Marriage is hard and takes work, but trying to R in a M is like riding two bikes at the same time, it takes balance and coordination. it took us a while to separate the two, my W would burn dinner or forget something at the store and fall to pieces, thinking I’m going to D. I had to stop using the A as a weapon against her. We had to level her up in the M.

If she’s upset with me about something, I want her to have the confidence to communicate it, not bury it while she walks on eggshells. I hope that makes sense, we work on typical M stuff, and we work on healing and growing from infidelity, without trying to bring one into the other. It has really helped us.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3453   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8790870

fournlau ( member #71803) posted at 5:01 PM on Monday, May 15th, 2023

Honestly I think you're completely valid in your thinking. And yes, as others have said, he is valid in his feelings as well. They can BOTH be true.

Many times with WW spouses there is inherently a double standard in their views. "Rules for thee but not for me", type of thinking. This was absolutely true of my WH before the A. He thought nothing of "oversharing" with other women, and in fact told me that he felt like it was so easy to talk to OW and he didn't see anything wrong with talking to her about our marital issues. In fact he said it was no different that talking to a therapist! I turned it around on him and gave him the scenario of me meeting a man and after 3 days of knowing him, I'm telling him about my H and the issues I'm having with him with overspending, trouble in the bedroom, how he treats me (and I gave real issues in the example). Then asked him if he would have been OK with that. Of course he said no. Because again...double standard!

But you have to remember that you are going to feel this unbalanced marital turmoil for a long time to come. You just need to talk through it. I honestly don't think you did anything WRONG here, but yeah, you can start to be more aware of "perception". And take his feelings into account. It is difficult not to lash out sometimes though and I'm not saying that they "deserve" it, because nobody deserves being disrespected. As a couple, you should always strive to show a united front, even if things aren't very united in private.

So if nothing else: I hear you, your feelings are valid, and you have nothing to apologize for.

posts: 443   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
id 8790942
Topic is Sleeping.
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