I am sort of the Jill version of you in my marriage and currently struggling with similar issues and questions.
Lol, thank you so much for chiming in ! I've read your posts already, it seems we share some thoughts on the subject, indeed...
Ideally the marriage post affair should be better and different than the marriage pre affair , specially for the reconciling BS . If it hasn’t then most likely the WS isn’t putting in the effort required.
It should, yes. But to what extent ? My WS would look at the global picture and say "hey, you see, we communicate now, we're sleeping together now, we're married now, so we're better off than before !"
I am not asking you to leave but ask yourself this question I often ask myself:
There is infidelity.
There is lack of intimacy.
The sex does not meet my expectations specially when the partner is capable of more ( with others nonetheless!)
All of the above indicates a lack of respect for me.
The main pillars of a healthy marriage loyalty, intimacy, respect are all missing.
So why on earth am I still in the marriage ?
Even worse for me maybe, since I married her two years after the A...
Denying a spouse of intimacy is plain cruel. Sharing that intimacy with someone else is brutal. It is as cruel and as brutal as starving someone of food , water and oxygen. You don’t do that to people you love and respect.
You don't know how it feels to hear this from a woman. Most of the time I've been told this was just because I was a man, and I was obsessing on the sex they had, and because my libido as a man was higher, of course (even if we usually have sex 1 to 2 times a week on average, where she was having regular 4 times a week (sometimes 6 including me) and still asking for more...)
I'm not a sex addict, and I'm tired of having to justify myself when I say I lack intimacy. You're right, intimacy is as natural as food, water or oxygen in a couple. I should keep that in mind...
Please let your wife know that you respect yourself too much to be treated shabbily. I am sorry but she seems like a selfish person. Sex/ intimacy in a marriage should be a mutually rewarding experience. It’s all about her pleasures , be it with AP or be it with you.
That's what I've been telling me for the last 3 years. She talks a lot, she makes a lot of promises, a lot of excuses, but she's that : a lot of talk and few actions. She IS a very selfish girl, used to have guys providing for her, and giving her what she needs. Before I kicked her out after the A, this was the first time she was dumped by a man, no one else had ever dumped her before... (she didn' have a lot of partners, like 4-5, but anyway)
Please remind her that none of this is you overreacting, you are asking for the basic minimum of what is expected in a marriage.
I truly wish the best for you and hope that your wife realizes how fortunate she is to have a partner that wants healthy intimacy with her.
You're so kind. Thank you so much. I hope your partner realizes this too, he's very lucky to have you still around. And if he loses you, I hope you find a guy that deserves what you have to give, and that you'll be happy.