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Newest Member: Coconumb

Reconciliation :
Reconciled and married... but still very triggered after almost 3 years


 iamjack (original poster member #80408) posted at 4:18 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023


You can over-analyze this to 50 pages here at SI.

It comes down to WHY are you still triggered so badly after 3 years. The answer is that your cheating spouse has not done what YOU needed to heal from the trauma of the affair.

Secondly I hope you realize that your cheating spouse can only help you heal to a point. The rest is on you.

I too was struggling 3 years after Dday 2 of affair 2 wherein my H was going to Divorce me. I then saw a video Fault vs Responsibility by Will Smith. In essence you will be wronged by people. But it is up to you to heal yourself from those situations.

The analogy I use is this. You are in a car accident and you break your leg. The accident was not your fault. But the doctor can only heal your leg yo a point. If you don’t go to physical therapy for your leg it will never be 100% healed.

Same with infidelity. YOU have to heal yourself.

By year 4 of Reconciliation I was a very different person. My H was doing everything he could to make amends. If your wife is not giving you what you need, it’s time to reevaluate your marriage and whether it works for you.

Thank you. You're right. I know I need to work on myself. And I'm working on it. The analogy is spot on.

[This message edited by iamjack at 4:18 PM, Friday, May 26th]

posts: 62   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2022
id 8792701

 iamjack (original poster member #80408) posted at 4:30 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023


I am sort of the Jill version of you in my marriage and currently struggling with similar issues and questions.

Lol, thank you so much for chiming in ! I've read your posts already, it seems we share some thoughts on the subject, indeed...

Ideally the marriage post affair should be better and different than the marriage pre affair , specially for the reconciling BS . If it hasn’t then most likely the WS isn’t putting in the effort required.

It should, yes. But to what extent ? My WS would look at the global picture and say "hey, you see, we communicate now, we're sleeping together now, we're married now, so we're better off than before !"

I am not asking you to leave but ask yourself this question I often ask myself:
There is infidelity.
There is lack of intimacy.
The sex does not meet my expectations specially when the partner is capable of more ( with others nonetheless!)
All of the above indicates a lack of respect for me.
The main pillars of a healthy marriage loyalty, intimacy, respect are all missing.
So why on earth am I still in the marriage ?

Even worse for me maybe, since I married her two years after the A...

Denying a spouse of intimacy is plain cruel. Sharing that intimacy with someone else is brutal. It is as cruel and as brutal as starving someone of food , water and oxygen. You don’t do that to people you love and respect.

You don't know how it feels to hear this from a woman. Most of the time I've been told this was just because I was a man, and I was obsessing on the sex they had, and because my libido as a man was higher, of course (even if we usually have sex 1 to 2 times a week on average, where she was having regular 4 times a week (sometimes 6 including me) and still asking for more...)
I'm not a sex addict, and I'm tired of having to justify myself when I say I lack intimacy. You're right, intimacy is as natural as food, water or oxygen in a couple. I should keep that in mind...

Please let your wife know that you respect yourself too much to be treated shabbily. I am sorry but she seems like a selfish person. Sex/ intimacy in a marriage should be a mutually rewarding experience. It’s all about her pleasures , be it with AP or be it with you.

That's what I've been telling me for the last 3 years. She talks a lot, she makes a lot of promises, a lot of excuses, but she's that : a lot of talk and few actions. She IS a very selfish girl, used to have guys providing for her, and giving her what she needs. Before I kicked her out after the A, this was the first time she was dumped by a man, no one else had ever dumped her before... (she didn' have a lot of partners, like 4-5, but anyway)

Please remind her that none of this is you overreacting, you are asking for the basic minimum of what is expected in a marriage.
I truly wish the best for you and hope that your wife realizes how fortunate she is to have a partner that wants healthy intimacy with her.

You're so kind. Thank you so much. I hope your partner realizes this too, he's very lucky to have you still around. And if he loses you, I hope you find a guy that deserves what you have to give, and that you'll be happy.

posts: 62   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2022
id 8792715

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:50 AM on Saturday, May 27th, 2023

Your last post reminds me of a long ago thread, "But I thought things were great."

The post was about how the WW was tickled pink how great the M was post A, while the BH was miserable and white knuckling it, until he just couldn’t keep it bottled up anymore and asked for a D. The WW was floored. Had no idea.

Is this how you feel?

posts: 772   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8792805

 iamjack (original poster member #80408) posted at 2:22 PM on Saturday, May 27th, 2023


Your last post reminds me of a long ago thread, "But I thought things were great."

The post was about how the WW was tickled pink how great the M was post A, while the BH was miserable and white knuckling it, until he just couldn’t keep it bottled up anymore and asked for a D. The WW was floored. Had no idea.

Is this how you feel?

No, I wouldn't say that. She knows everything's not great for me. We have already argued a lot these last days. She knows I haven't been really happy for some time. Even my children tell me I look sad sometimes (this breaks my heart). But I do think she has a tendency to put on rosy glasses and to act as if everything was fine. I suppose being stressed 24/7 your marriage is going to fail isn't sustainable either...

posts: 62   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2022
id 8792826

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 2:47 PM on Saturday, May 27th, 2023

I think you need a solid path for yourself. The situation you find yourself in is not sustainable in the long run. You are white knuckling it snd allowing for a bit of rug sweeping to keep you in this M.

You say your that when you bring the issue up to the forefront with her, she makes a positive change for a few weeks then reverts back to her norm. This is not behavior that will keep you in a highly satisfactory M for the next 40 years or so. Can you see yourself happy in the M for the next 40 years?

You have tried everything else with no success. When a betrayed finds that their WW spouse is not making the necessary changes to maintain a successful R snd a happy M, then the betrayed must take more direct, concrete, and hard core actions to convince the WS that you will not accept or tolerate the behavior - that there are consequences.

You’ve tried the correct route, which is communicating your needs. This has not worked. I would recommend implementing the soft 180 to start. Your WW should receive little to no emotional or physical affection moving forward. She gets no rewards such as gifts, trips, loving cards and notes, etc. You discuss the kids, finances snd the house.

You must remain cordial snd friendly but none of the above. You need to move her out of her comfort in the status quo snd complacency. She needs to know that there is the potential for you to exit this relationship if things don’t change. Otherwise, why should she act to change? She has no incentive, because nothing in her life is at risk.

As long as she knows you’re not going anywhere, or plan to do anything other than express your feelings snd displeasure, she will not be incentivized to change. We know this because this is what is occurring right now.

posts: 772   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8792830

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 2:57 PM on Saturday, May 27th, 2023

Also: get to the gym, buy new clothes, change your hair style, buy cologne if you’ve never used it or change your cologne if you do. Go out with colleagues after work snd with your friends after work and on weekends. Make yourselves scarce in the house except for spending the necessary time with your kids. Join clubs, pursue hobbies or get new hobbies. Get away from your house snd your WW. No going out for coffee or lunch or dinner with couples. She can go to a couples dinner or a party by herself.

Bottom line is that you need to shake things up in a dramatic way, not gradually, but now! Your WW needs to see this dramatic change in a big way now!

posts: 772   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8792831

atomic_mess ( new member #82834) posted at 12:43 AM on Friday, June 2nd, 2023

Sorry, sounds like it is 3 years past time to leave permanently.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2023   ·   location: earth
id 8793471

 iamjack (original poster member #80408) posted at 7:51 AM on Friday, June 2nd, 2023

atomic_mess, let me get this straight : you have never been cheated on, you've been participating since February, and one of your last posts is encouraging a WS to patch things up with her BH. But yeah sure, you're positive I should leave right now. Well, thanks for the comment, I guess.

posts: 62   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2022
id 8793497

StillGoing ( member #28571) posted at 6:30 PM on Sunday, June 4th, 2023

Hi Jack. I'm about 11 years into r and its still painful with triggers, and my wife has been basically perfect by any standard here. I can't tell you what the best option is, but I can tell you that r can mean feeling as bad as you do right now off and on indefinitely, even under perfect circumstances. Factor that into whatever decision you make.

Tempus Fuckit.

- Ricky

posts: 7859   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8793867
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