SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband had a emotional affair that turned into a physical affair because so he says he got drunk and invited her to a hotel just to get away from me and talk to her that ended in her the next day telling him he and her had sex I have so many doubts to his story he keeps saying he never meant to sleep with her and takes responsibility if it truly happened but I will never know the true story I'm afraid and the unknown makes it hard to forgive I want to believe he didn't want to have sex with her but he takes responsibility saying he put himself in that position with her and himself it just doesn't make me feel any better about trying to reconcile

It takes awhile for your brain to process everything and stop being in the loop of, "why? why? why?" It's part of a trauma response, and what you're going through is somewhat normal. As normal as you can feel in the early days. This is tough and the pain of infidelity is the worst thing I've gone through.

You may never know the truth of what happened and why. He may be telling the truth, but you don't know if he had an ulterior motive behind it. Why did he have sex with her? Because he wanted to and had the opportunity.

Part of the issue is that he has poor boundaries and allowed his poor decisions to end up sleeping with somebody else.

What is he doing to become a safe partner? It's important to watch his actions at this time. If he wants to keep the M, he should be doing everything in his power to show you that he wants to be better.

Thank you for those words it's so true I can't get out of my own head all the time I feel hurt pain and so much anger trying to keep my marriage going but I continue questions with no real answers except what he I believe thinks I want to hear he is sorry I do see that in his actions he says when I'm upset or frustrated seeing my pain makes him hurt I asked of it was the guilt he said no it's what he needed up doing to me and us it's just I'm always trying to make sense of this affair and can't stop being angry everyday I'm a shell of a person and feel bad to be happy

Hello Diva19

I am sorry you have had to find this site. Please know it is the best place you could have chosen to voice your pain as a result of infidelity, and the best place to come for guidance. I have been a member for almost 8 years. The members here are some of the wisest and kindest souls anywhere.

First, there is a plethora of good information for you in the Healing Library (please look at the top of the page). Take full advantage of the resources available there.

Next, take care of yourself. Get tested for STDs asap. He must do this also. Drink, eat what you can. Be kind to yourself. Infidelity is a trauma. It is a form of abuse. You may need to see a doctor for medications to help you with anxiety or sleep.

TBH, you are absolutely right to have doubts. Cheaters lie. They lie to cover their own butts, they lie because they have no integrity, they lie because it is a habit or a coping mechanism, etc., etc. They all lie. It is part of a pattern of behavior from what we call the "Cheater's Handbook". This means that all cheaters share certain characteristics and behaviors. The first and most damaging of these in my opinion is dishonesty.

Nothing that you did or did not do caused your husband to engage in emotional cheating and then choose to go to a hotel and have sex with another woman. Blaming your marriage or you personally is part of the pattern of behavior I was talking about previously. It is called "blame-shifting", and cheaters do this to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Gently, your husband wanted to have sex or he would not have gone to a hotel. Adults do not go to hotels to have discussions. They go to hotels to have sex. The "if it truly happened" comment is an attempt at minimizing (also a common behavior) his actions. He went to meet a woman AT A HOTEL. He did not go to a bar, get stone drunk and THEN go to a hotel. He met her at a hotel. This shows clear intent for sexual contact. TBH, I wonder why he is telling you about this? Is the OW married? Was the betrayed partner going to tell you? Was the OW going to tell you? Cheaters often "come clean" because there is imminent exposure.

Please be ready for more information to come out. Cheaters minimize their cheating to save themselves. They usually only admit to a small part of their infidelity or what can be proven by the BS. Over time, you will discover more about the infidelity and he will tell a little more, then a little more....This is called "trickle truth". It is misery, pure and simple, and often causes the end of a relationship because it puts the BS through trauma every time more information is disclosed. It is important for your husband to understand this right now.

Gently, if your husband was truly taking responsibility for his actions, he would not be blaming you or lying about his intent. The reason you will not know the true story is because he does not want to tell you. Even if he WAS too drunk to remember what happened sexually (and this is most likely BS), he planned a meeting at a hotel with a woman he was having an emotional affair with. C'mon now. Another common trait that cheaters share is their attempts at manipulation and the assumption that they can hornswoggle their betrayed partners.

Your husband will not be a good candidate for reconciliation until he stops trying to cover his ass, stops blaming you, and tells you the truth. Right now, he is not remorseful, he is regretful. This means that he is not worried about what he has done to you, he is worried about himself and the consequences to his effed up behavior.

If your husband wants to receive the GIFT or a marriage to you, and to show that he is truly remorseful, he will need to show support and understanding of the healing process you will need to go through by taking certain actions consistently and for the long term. This takes YEARS of work. Fixing his damaged integrity is not easy or quick.

To show he is worthy of you, your WH will need to take the following actions at the bare minimum:
1. STD testing NOW
2. Consent to a lie detector test (even if this does not happen, his reaction will tell you a LOT)
3. Engage in IC with a counselor who has experience with infidelity on a consistent basis. He needs to figure out what is broken and fix it before he is remotely safe for you. HE will seek out and research counselors and choose one with your input. No MC at this point. The marriage is not broken, he is.
4. All electronics and social media accounts open to your perusal. You have all passwords. He lost the right to privacy when he want behind your back and cheated.
5. Complete honesty at all times.
6. He will bear witness to your sadness and anger and accept that HE caused it. Counseling will help to give him true perspective on this. He will answer all questions about the affair honestly and accept the consequences for his actions. YOUR feelings should be his priority.
7. He will have no contact with the other women immediately. If he works with her, he gets another job. He writes a letter telling the OW that he will not have any further contact, show it to you and send it to her. Then, he will have absolutely no contact with her.
8. YOU inform the other spouse or partner. Affairs thrive in secrecy and the other person has the right to know that their partner is a lying ass. Do not tell him you are doing this. WS will try to make up some story about how you are crazy to avoid consequences to their actions.
9. He will be accountable for his whereabouts at all times.
10. He will seek out and read literature that will help him become a safer partner and a better human.

In the meantime, as much as you want to do this, STOP trying to please him and STOP doing wifely things for him. HE chose to fuck up the marriage and he can do his own laundry, cooking and shopping. He can sleep somewhere else (couch, etc). until you feel that you can tolerate his presence. He does not get to have an opinion about your healing. He lost the right to that when he cheated. If you read posts here, you will see that we often say that in order to save your marriage, you will need to be willing to lose it. This means that you will need to set boundaries and hold him to them. See an attorney about what divorce will look like. Knowledge is power. It also give a clear message to the WS that you are serious. I know this is scary, but it works. Many of us can verify that.

The bottom line is that you need to think about what YOU need and want without thinking about his needs or wants. These decisions take time. Your healing is your own. Do what is best for you.

I tend to be blunt. I won't sugarcoat, because you've been lied to enough.

He's lying.

Men don't invite women to hotel rooms to talk. He could have talked to her on the phone. Men invite women to hotel rooms to have sex. Period.

If you do some digging you will find He's been having an affair with her for at least awhile. Check phone records. His email. Check the trash folder on his phone.

Schedule a polygraph, and tell him if he wants you to consider reconciliation, he's taking it. And follow through.

Who is this woman? How did he meet her? Is she married?

What is he doing to become a safe partner?

At minimum, he should be...

Completely honest.

Fully transparent. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

Tested for stds.

NC with the AP.

If he works with her, he has to find another job immediately.

Proactive in healing the damage he has caused you, himself, and the marriage.

He is fully accountable for his time away from you.

He gets into IC to figure out why he cheated.

He stops drinking.

The things you should be doing..

Std testing.

Inform her husband, if she has one,without telling your husband.

Taking care of yourself.

Watch his actions. His words mean nothing.

Schedule a polygraph.

Do not share this site with him.

So much great information thank you I wish I would have gotten on here sooner we started marriage counseling 3 session's the counselor has suggested individual for my anger outburst at last meeting was not helpful at all which tbh is all I do anymore my husband tells me he would have told me what was going on eventually but I am a great sense of issues I noticed and the day I came home from work he had texted her and she was suppose to meet him in the neighborhood parking lot but instead he was drunk and passed out I came home and screamed at him why still seeing her and he left our home met her in a parking lot drove to the hotel with her bought more liquor and I tracked his phone is how I knew where he was and what he was probably doing with her I couldn't make sense of it and couldn't stop him it was the worst day of my life than to find out what happened or may not have happened is devastating I got tested as soon as I knew I have herpes but not sure when I got it or from who could have been my last relationship but I told her to get tested because that's serious she than tried to serve me harassment papers so dumb but she thought they were still going to be together and he would leave me for her after that night he told her I was over and he made a terrible mistake I just wish I could forget about it she was supposedly in a relationship dating with a abuser amd that's what she threw in my face as to why she started relationship with him in first place because he would listen she knew he was a kind person who cared about ppl esp abuse or suicidal he says he believes know some of her stories were made up to use him she did that for sure I tried to warn him to stop he is trying to be more transparent and honest but his whole thing is I'm so angry and yell so much its hard to communicate and he still drinks

Ok….

A lot going on here. You’re in the middle of, probably, the worst crisis in your life and, understandably, your mind and thoughts are going to resemble a bag of cats.

Let’s get you better composed. Let’s get you a better sense of purpose and control. Let us help you get your arms around this and make a sound assessment and, a hopeful and logical plan going forward.

Please, take a breath, and start from the beginning, the beginning when you first began to feel something was wrong in your marriage, with your husband. Tell us about his drinking history, how long married, any kids, anything relevant about his previous relationships and mental health.

This place absolutely helped me. Please be patient with us and listen with an open mind to the outpouring of information and support you’re about to receive. Some support may seem a bit frank or harsh-ie tough love. The better information you provide, the better your support will be.

Wow! There is a lot to unpack here.

Thoughts:

Marriage counseling is not useful at this point unless the counselor has consistent experience with infidelity. MCs tend to put blame on the BS. Stay away from that for now. As BS, we are 50% responsible for the issues with the marriage and 0% responsible for the infidelity. That is a choice that the WS makes all on their lonesome. There are many other things your WH could have done, other than cheating. TBH, it makes total sense that you have anger outbursts. Your agency and sanity have been severely compromised by a lying, cheating spouse. This is why it is suggested that you do not engage in marriage counseling until after your husband has engaged in IC for a while. HE is the major issue now. You cannot fix your marriage until he is safer. Right now, you don't really HAVE a marriage to fix, so MC is irrelevant.

It sounds as if his affair has been going on for a while. In addition, if you do not know where you got Herpes, it could be from the current OW or he could have had more than one affair/has had casual sexual contact with someone else. Please do not have sex with this man. He is not safe right now.

The reason you are in a state of constant emotional upheaval is that you are still living in infidelity. It does not seem like he has done anything to help you heal.

I am not sure how much you have read on this site but cheaters usually say an affair is over and then they go underground with it. This means that they will find a way to continue the affair because it feels good.

I am an alcoholic. I have 25 years sober. I say this so that you know I have some experience and knowledge about addiction. Your husband will not be able to begin to be a safe or worthy partner for you if he is addicted to alcohol and/or he is in active addiction. As addicts, we tend to do anything that makes us feel good if we are not in recovery. This includes affairs. If your husband has an addictive personality, then it is unlikely that he will stop his affair if it feels good to him. Addicts and cheaters are incredibly self-centered. Without help, he is not a safe person to be married to. Right now, it does not sound like he is clear headed or motivated enough to do what is right for you. He will think only about his own needs. Living with an addict in active addiction is the most chaotic and miserable life imaginable. My best advice is for you to separate until he has some sobriety under his belt. Your separation might be the onus he needs to get sober. If it is not, and he continues to drink, then you can move on and live a life free of this kind of abuse.

Please know that you cannot make him stop drinking. He has to do this on his own. That includes finding meetings, getting a sponsor and working the program. Recovery is a lifetime journey. He must engage in the process constantly and for the long term.

Also, please consider looking into Al-anon. The people there can help you with trying to live with or separate from an addict.

Oh my well where could I begin my marriage has been a rollercoaster since day one he and I started talking 6 years ago from two different states I moved here to take a leap of faith with him than as soon as I moved here I soon realized he had a major drinking problem and his life before me was a complete mess he had paid for sex was on every website imaginable his ex girlfriends cheated on all of them than without thinking I married him hoping he would change for the better I already fell in love with him so I thought it was love he was lying and manipulating me from day one drinking more and more to now I find out tolerate me everyday it has been alot of awareness and stress of the truth to 6 years of a relationship all lies so the more and more we were together the angrier I would be everyday with his drinking not understanding well tell than finally the affair happened and now he tells me he wants to be here with me he loves me and knows what he really wants to be married and make up to me all the past lies and trauma he cause but he also wants me to let it all go and start over from scratch with us including his affair I am angry that he wants me to just forget talking about forget feeling about anything and everything I am sorry it's alot to unpack and I don't use correct punctuation sorry for that too

he made a terrible mistake

A mistake is forgetting to pick up a gallon of milk at the store. He made many conscious decisions to betray you and have an A. And you can't fix problems by falling on somebody else's genitals.

she was supposedly in a relationship dating with a abuser and that's what she threw in my face as to why she started relationship with him

Nah, this is BS. She did it because she wanted to.

I would counter that I feel you're in an abusive relationship, too. On YouTube, Dr. Ramani has a really good video on trauma bonding. It may help you understand some of what your brain is going through. She has another one that describes why a brain dealing with trauma has difficulty making decisions. She breaks down the brain chemistry part very well and makes it understandable. (She deals with narcissistic personality disorder abuse, as well as those recovering from sociopathy or psychopathy abuse. I'm not saying your WH is any of these things. I find her videos helpful to understand what's going on within me.)

It takes years to get through infidelity and on the road to healing. He needs to get into IC to work on himself and to work on being a safe partner. Watch his actions because he's probably sorry that he got caught. He doesn't want to lose you because you probably take care of his comforts (groceries, meals, laundry), and he doesn't want to give that up.

Previous posters already touched on the issue of premature MC and alcoholism and the possible origins of your current STD.

I wanted to talk briefly about your anger. Your displaced anger.

It’s ok to be angry. You SHOULD be angry. Anger is a natural, expected, healthy response to what is happening. If you were not angry, we’d be concerned and guiding you to tap into your anger response because, anger can be very useful, protective, and properly motivating IF…channeled correctly.

You want to avoid displaced anger. Channel that anger towards achievable goals. Don’t let your anger get you into trouble, discredit you, cause harm to your reputation and dignity or, support any false narratives he may have manufactured. Try and maintain your composure, with dignity, and channel that anger towards:

-Protection, self protection (dignity, domain)
-Enforcement of boundaries and expectations
-Follow through on your due diligence

No apologies necessary. We are here to help.

I am sorry you got caught up in his manipulation and lying. I am stealing this from someone else, but the best way to predict future behavior is to look at past behavior. Your husband's past behavior indicates that this is not a healthy place for you. He needs serious help. TBH, his sexual past is very concerning.You say that he "paid for sex on every website imaginable". If his sexual behaviors are compulsive, that is huge issue and very difficult to address. In addition, from what I have read on this site over several years, serial cheaters are almost never able to stop cheating. It is too ingrained a pattern of behavior.

Diva, this man is toxic. It is counterintuitive, but love cannot fix him and his drinking has to be addressed before he is able to get help for anything else. He will just not be able to apply any counseling to his life if he is abusing alcohol. The only thing that brings an addict to recovery is pain. They cannot hit their bottom and find recovery unless it is just too painful to continue to use. If he thinks that you will stick around and love him and care for him, it is not helping him in the end. It is enabling his behavior. "Letting it all go" is not safe for you. It is giving him the message that you are complicit in his addiction, and that you approve of it. I know it does this not seem to make sense, but I can tell you that it is the truth from my experience. "Letting it all go" also gets him off the hook for getting help. We call this "sweeping it under the rug", which means that his issues are never dealt with. The BS can never move forward because there is no healing going on and the WS continues to be dangerous for them. It is an awful place to be. For the spouse of an addict in active addiction, this is disastrous. Addicts see "letting it all go" as cosigning their addiction. Your husband will feel that he now has permission to use/lie/cheat. If he feels this way, life will get worse as there is no reason for him now to hide it from you. No matter how angry you get, once he is off the hot seat, he will continue to engage in his addiction. Denial is very powerful.

Diva, you are worthy of a life without this kind of pain and abuse. You have stuck with this man, which shows that you have loyalty and kindness. Please honor yourself and move on.

So much good advice and I feel so much support thank you all for helping me find a way to talk about these things openly I feel sometimes as if I let these things happen because I stay in this relationship and I take the abuse and now the cheating as if I'm not worth anything my husband makes me feel most of the time even now as you guys have said he still is drinking