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Divorce/Separation :
Divorce Decree and children asking for time/to go to events

Topic is Sleeping.
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 wildstar (original poster new member #83073) posted at 3:37 AM on Friday, April 14th, 2023

So tonight DD called me on WW's phone and was with siblings, AP, and WW. All going to get ice cream. I'm thinking I'm going to have to suggest that phone calls from WW's phone are for emergencies only or scheduled phone calls with DD.

DD was asking me if she could go to a company picnic (I don't know if it's AP's company or WW's. likely it's AP's) This is the second time WW has used daughter to ask for something during my time. First time was Aunt was picking up DD from school, WW saw it and got mad at me, saying I 'went behind her back' and other stuff. Then she used DD to ask again. DD asked me a few days later "Can Mom pick me up from school some times on your weeks, she wanted me to ask." DD was calling from WW's car, AP was in the car and I kept catching glimpses of AP's stupid face as DD walked into ice cream shop so they could all get ice cream together. WW basically replaced me with AP and it makes me sick when I have to see DD in these 'family' situations. I'm doing my best to move on, but WW still shows no respect for boundaries, or decency towards me.

Divorce Decree specifically references not using our child as a go between on parenting issues.

Am I wrong for thinking it's not right for her to have my daughter call me, asking for my time with DD to be sacrificed so DD can spend time with WW/AP. If I say no on the video call, it puts me in a lose/lose situation. Not to mention I had to see the AP in the background while I'm talking to my DD.

I feel sick now. I spend effort to make sure this isn't affecting DD, I don't want her to suffer because of WW's actions, OR mine. But WW makes it difficult at every step. I'm trying to pick my battles, but I don't want to continue to be taken advantage of for the rest of my co-parenting life.

[This message edited by wildstar at 8:39 AM, Friday, April 14th]

posts: 11   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2023   ·   location: Las Vegas
id 8786814
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 12:06 PM on Friday, April 14th, 2023

Call your attorney. Tell them what your ex is doing. They will contact her attorney, and let them know their client is violating the degree. If she continues, you will go back before the judge,and she will possibly have some parenting time stripped.

Tell your daughter no. It's ok to tell her no. It's your time,and that the two of you will be doing something fun.

If she video calls with AP there, cut the call short,and tell her you will call her back at bedtime.

Its ok to assert your parenting time and say no. If you dont,your wife will continue pulling this crap.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6352   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8786833
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:24 PM on Friday, April 14th, 2023

Agreed with Hellfire; WW is explicitly violating your divorce decree, so you need to let your lawyer know so he or she can contact your wife's lawyer with a warning and then proceed to court, if necessary.

I think it's also worth having a discussion with your DD. Tell her how much you love her and how you feel it's very important for her to have quality time with both her parents. You will never ask her to give up time with her mother because that time is precious... which is why, now and in the future, you won't agree to any outings with her mother during your parenting time.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1806   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8786903
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 8:16 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023

Wildstar-

First off I want to say that I hear and feel you. I had to go through something similar with my WW and kids b/c WW is a dumbshit, but she has gotten better and it does take time. You have every right to feel the way you do, and any sight of AP for me at the beginning also made me sick and want to vomit. They play house like its all good, but the children, they don't know any better. This doesn't mean that they won't learn as they grow older though.

For now, if these situations come up, you're right, its a no win for you. You say no to ice cream, or the movies, or whatever that they've obviously sold to your daughter its going to be sooo much fun, you are the bad guy. You're the mean dad and you know they will do everything they can to tarnish you to your DD. And at the end of the day, going forward, its best to be somewhat flexible if its in the best interest of your DD to go get ice cream, or a day at Disneyland that you can't do anyways. Its about your DD, and not your WW. You have to keep that in mind.

Hellfire has some great advice. I would start with an email to your exWW and CC your attorney after you give him a heads up. That you will not be allowing your DD as the pass through on scheduling or anything else. It needs to be handled between the adults. Make your WW aware that you will not tolerate this. Tell her that if there is a change in scheduling, you expect it to be done through the parents via email/text in whatever channel you both agree on. Its not to be done via a quick call from your DD. I'd make it clear that this will not be how it works going forward. Any extra time you give your WW, will need to be met with time replaced for when you're supposed to have DD. Its 50/50, so you should try to keep it close to that.

As for you, things will get better. Things will get better. The triggers will lesson, and even the sight of the AP won't be as bad as you continue to heal. Get into IC, get out and do stuff. if you're incline, get back to dating. Just know that it won't always be happy on their side, it will come crashing down at some point. It might be months or yrs, but your daughter is forever. Play the long game for your child. You will eventually not give a shit about those two fucks, but do what you can now to make life easy and seemless for your child. As much as you're going through a tough time dealing with infidelity, your poor DD is now having to deal with new family and going between 2 separate homes. Its really tough on her too. Good luck to you brotha

posts: 1424   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8788354
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jujubes ( new member #51428) posted at 12:56 AM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023

"Have your mom email me the details and we'll see if we can work out a time trade. Have fun eating ice cream, honey. Bye."

Then ask for additional time before the picnic. I.e. they want an evening ask for an overnight in exchange or if they want a day ask for a weekend in exchange. But make sure the time you spend with your daughter as part of this trade is before the time they want.

F them for putting you and your daughter in this situation.

[This message edited by jujubes at 12:58 AM, Tuesday, April 25th]

Me: 33 BS
DH: 37 WH

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2016
id 8788406
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 4:09 AM on Wednesday, April 26th, 2023

It’s important to get started right now establishing your boundaries.
Definitely email your atty and have him send her a letter ASAP. Your xw, I hate to say it, is emotionally immature as F***. Who continually pulls this crap with their child? barf
Your daughter is not going to be hurt by you standing firm and getting her every time the court allows. I honestly think as the years go by she’s going to see you as a strong, fair, caring Dad, who was always there for her. Also, some states call it parenting time, bc it is your time to parent and influence your daughter.
On visitation-like if a grandparent dies or something, yeah it’s ok to switch visitation, but I think kids need to have the stability of a plan. Or as Jujubes ^said, get more time upfront.

On the AP- get a PI to do research on him. Does he drink? Shame if they go somewhere with your dd and he drinks a 6 pack and drives and the PI happens to get it on video. wink A PI can be a female too.

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5493   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8788560
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 2:21 PM on Wednesday, April 26th, 2023

I'm trying to pick my battles, but I don't want to continue to be taken advantage of for the rest of my co-parenting life.

Here is how I handle this situation:

1. I look at the situation from my child's perspective and then I give an answer that is appropriate for that child. Yes, you want to pick your battles but you also need to realize that your WW is using your child as a human shield in this battle/war. In that situation, I *always* lose the battle because I don't want my child to be collateral damage.

This sucks. I get that. It really really sucks. But, that's what parents do... they sacrifice for their children and so in many ways... this is nothing new that you are doing the wrong thing for yourself but doing the right thing for your child.

2. I also message my ex and explain how she is violating our parenting plan/agreement. I will usually provide a brief summary of what happened and I cut-and-paste the specific passage from our parenting plan that is being violated. I keep this message very dry/legal and I avoid any accusations that are not supported by facts (i.e., nothing emotional). At most, I will include a passage about how my ex's activities, while clearly intended to hurt me, are hurting her own child. My ex used to respond with all sorts of vitriol. I don't respond further except when she alleges something that was factually incorrect.

Keep this in mind at all times. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Your ex is making this into a competition. You need to not get involved in petty crap that adversely affects your kids. You have to be the best parent that you can be for as long as you can do that. My mantra is that I want my kids to love me when they are 23 years old.

(and using gross language: Prepare yourself to eat a ton of shit sandwiches. You need to do this with a smile on your face while your child is watching. You puke when they are not.)

Me: Crap, I'm 50 years old. D-Day: August 30, 2016. Two years of false reconciliation. Divorce final: Feb 1, 2021. Re-married: December 3, 2022.

posts: 5417   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8788588
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:30 PM on Wednesday, April 26th, 2023

How old is your DD?

This is the second time WW has used daughter to ask for something during my time.

Did you address this directly with WW when it happened the first time? IE and she is ignoring you and having your DD continue to be the go between? If you have addressed this with your ex and she is continuing to use your DD, then I would go the attorney route. If not, I would address this directly with her first.

"Have your mom email me the details and we'll see if we can work out a time trade. Have fun eating ice cream, honey. Bye."

Great idea. You need something to say that takes your poor DD out of the middle.

WW still shows no respect for boundaries, or decency towards me.

Do not expect your ex to be a better person after the D, then they were during the M. Someone here told me that a decade ago and it has served me well over the years.

I would encourage you to be flexible within reason. You will have times over the years when you need that option as well. I always told me children if we were not doing anything, I had no issues with them seeing their father extra. That was shortlived, he quickly realized this was not going to be something I was going to battle over so it lost its appeal to him.

I know it feels like forever right now, but trust me, you will blink and your kiddos will be graduating. So work toward setting a precedent now for how you want this handled going forth at this stage of the game because it will change before you know it.

posts: 6860   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8788589
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Adolfo ( new member #79193) posted at 8:49 AM on Thursday, April 27th, 2023

Simply say "sweety, that's something your mother should contact me about.." Then change the subject.

posts: 47   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2021   ·   location: NC
id 8788651
Topic is Sleeping.
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