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Divorce/Separation :
Divorce vs Separation

Topic is Sleeping.
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 livebythesea (original poster member #38900) posted at 3:22 AM on Tuesday, April 11th, 2023

Hi everyone, 10 years ago this month I Found Out!!!! Where do I start … first I’d like to say it was a painful discovery and it took me way too long to do something about it. Time certainly heals, but I took way too much precious time. At 65 now, living alone in a small apartment, and truly wondering how I will survive financially, emotionally …. I’m still guessing reason I stayed with him so long was I felt secure in every which way. More than anything else.

Anyway, my question to you guys is at my age what would be the benefit of a divorce? Would a separation agreement be sufficient. An agreement which would be legally drafted? It sort of intimidates me to see a lawyer and discuss a divorce …

Me - 65 I often have to remind myself of my age! Husband - 65 DD1 April 5 2013 (a lie)DD2 April 23 2013DD3 June 22 20133 children 5 grandchildren

posts: 285   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 8786449
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:09 PM on Tuesday, April 11th, 2023

That's a tough call because much of it can be based on your preferences. At 55, I decided to D because I didn't want to deal with XWH any longer. Talk about a drama llama. I thought that D was better in my scenario, even though I will miss out on the benefit of his pension. But, I make way more money than he does, so I'm working to get myself set up for retirement.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3327   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8786496
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:52 PM on Tuesday, April 11th, 2023

I think there is a geographic component, too. In the US, not all states have legal separation. So just separating means you put things like finances at risk. See a lawyer JUST TO GET INFORMATION. That’s all. Just understand your options.

Knowledge is power and that will help you decide what you want to do next.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5918   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8786546
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:13 PM on Saturday, April 15th, 2023

You definitely need legal advice on this IMHO.
It’s entirely possible that you can see the differences between separation and divorce online, but no matter which option to go for I would have an attorney finalize it.

You have concerns about two issues: Financial and emotional.

IMHO emotional are best dealt with using distance and NC. Undeniably a divorce gives you better tools to implement both.
Financial… well… The big difference IMHO might be that with divorce it can become a CLEAN cut. Like part of the D is deciding what part of the savings, pension etc are yours and what is his. If this is the stereotypical marriage chances are you spent time at home off the work-market to raise the kids. Giving him time to earn a wage to feed and shelter his family – and to add to his pension. Legally you are probably entitled to a part of that.
The difference could be that as divorced you already know what’s in your bank or what’s coming in at the beginning of each month.
Separated… it could be more dependent on his existence or will to pay.
Same with inheritance, rights to decide end-of-life treatment, placing in care and lots and lots of other issues. IMHO divorce gives most of these issues more clarity.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12310   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8787010
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 3:00 AM on Sunday, April 16th, 2023

I found an atty who did my first consultation for $100.00. Even if you have to pay up to $250 or so, it’s totally worth it. Even a free consultation is ok, but an hour or so is really worth it.

The first atty I saw (xh had moved out for other reasons supposedly), said that I was getting more each month than the courts would give me, so just wait it out as long as possible. He said we could do an easy divorce for about $500, if he could get us to agree on everything and he would only ask for what is usually granted in my area courts.

When I finally realized my H was cheating, I went to a different atty I was referred to, just to get info. He actually laid out what he thought would benefit me the most and we filed. My xh got a lawyer and both lawyers didn’t want a court fight bc we didn’t have that much $, lol. So it got worked out between the attys in a settlement conference. (Both parties in different rooms the attys go back and forth helping each person to get some of what they want.) Then you get a court time and go in front of the judge and he grants the divorce.

They attys are not going to pressure you in any way. They just advise you on what they can do for you and how it works in your state. Then you can take your time, with facts.

I’m wondering if in your state they have a legal separation option. In my state they do have a legal separation, and have an equitable distribution of 401k money, one person buys the other out of the property or it is sold, and there is lifetime alimony. Since you’ve been married 10 years, you can file on his Social Security if he’s 62, and possibly get more than on your own.

I think just meeting with an atty (maybe a female one?) will give you lots of answers and no pressure.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 3:09 AM, Sunday, April 16th]

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5498   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8787061
Topic is Sleeping.
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