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Reconciliation :
anybody on this forum that have successfully reconciled for more than 15 or 20 years?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Ragab (original poster member #82425) posted at 1:19 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023

just want to know.....

Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.... lately more stones than diamonds.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2022   ·   location: South Africa
id 8781378
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 1:29 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023

You might get some replies as we occasionally have an "old timer" drop in just to say hello. But generally speaking, people who have been in R that long successfully, rarely have a reason to keep dropping by SI anymore. Which is a good thing. :)

I will say that since my wife and I first arrived here 7 years ago, a lot of the wonderful couples that helped to guide us along have moved on and are living their best lives.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1436   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8781380
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 2:06 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023

Thirteen years for me. Not the 15-20 you are looking for but pretty close.

I'm pretty sure there are a couple of other posters who are R at least that long.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3595   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8781383
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 Ragab (original poster member #82425) posted at 3:25 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023

Atleast there is hope....

Thanks for responding.

Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.... lately more stones than diamonds.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2022   ·   location: South Africa
id 8781391
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 5:28 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023

More than twenty years. Happy and still going.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3892   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8781404
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 5:35 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023

16 years and counting 😊

Me-58 FWH-60 Married 40 years 9/2/2023 grown daughters-40&36.14yo GS,11yo GD & 9yo GD (DD40); 12yo GD & 7yo GD(DD36). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8903   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8781405
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WishidleftHer ( member #78703) posted at 6:01 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023

38 years.
It hasn't been easy, I still get mind movies sometimes but it's not as bad as it used to be.

We're celebrating our 50th anniversary next weekend.

Me: BH 73. Her: WW 68 Dday over 35 years ago and still feels like yesterday.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Capital district, NY
id 8781409
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BetterNowReally ( new member #77292) posted at 10:04 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023

33 years since DDay 1 and about 20 years since DDay 2 (not new affairs just newly trickled out truths and details). She was a serial cheater (now former serial cheater), minimizer, and massive rug sweeper (but I allowed the rug sweeping...because I was an idiot, now a former idiot).

We really started addressing things about five years ago. I got to the point about three years ago where I pretty much gave up and told her we would be getting a divorce. She begged and cried and pleaded and apologized, and I gave in and agreed to stay at least temporarily. I told her if she cheated again or disrespected me again or lied to me again I was done. I had to walk back the lying thing because she just cannot help herself, but as long as the lies are not about faithfulness or affair issues or relationship issues I can live with that, if I have to, I guess. (credit to Red Green on the partial "Man Code" quote).

I would say until that point we had not truly reconciled, we simply stayed married, and not at all happily married. Now we have truly reconciled. Better late than never I guess.

I am overall very happy now. She is now a model wife who goes FAR above and beyond to love me, respect me, honor me, cherish me, and (to some extent) to help me heal. I lost a bit of my worshipful adoration of her, but I do still love her, always have, always will.

I still have tough moments and suppose I will forever. But I am now finally (mostly) happy with my life and am satisfied with my decision to stay.

Best wishes to you!

Life is hard; get a helmet. Eric from Boy Meets World

posts: 24   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8781431
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HardenMyHeart ( member #15902) posted at 5:07 AM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

It's been almost 16 years since my wife admitted her LTA. We are reconciled and doing well.

Me: BH, Her: WW, Married 39 years, Reconciled

posts: 7038   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2007
id 8781462
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 Ragab (original poster member #82425) posted at 8:24 AM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

WOW
Thank you each for your time.

What in each of your situations/opinions was the turnaround for better?

BetterNowReally
- Did true R only start after you received all the truths?

Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.... lately more stones than diamonds.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2022   ·   location: South Africa
id 8781468
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Uxoragain ( new member #83025) posted at 2:00 PM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

I am short on your request by 5 years.

10 years next summer since DDay. Next fall for when I perceived that we were on a strong enough path of reconciliation.

90% of the time I am good.

I no longer "flatline" emotionally for days like I used to if a trigger starts to work up a memory or fear.

I usually can talk myself through knowing negative feelings will pass.

And I have learned that trusting my intuition is NOT me being paranoid. I may not be accurately assessing my world due to PTSD. But when my hunch is that life or people around me are "off", it is good to step back and ask what is that deep inner survivor trying to tell me. (Because the affair was not the source of the issues in my marriage and family life. It was the symptom big enough to demand attention.)

Last. If I find myself in that dark place of imagining the "what if our marriage had ended". Which can look either very shiny on one day, or very ominous on another, all I have to do is look around.

Almost every other married person is on a second, third or even fourth marriage. And HUGE number of them are NOT in a better situation.

Might I have found the perfect next marriage? Odds are low.

I have lived long enough to see and know that.

I am not sure I would have ever married again.

And since Mr Uxor wanted to work on us (I gave him a soft, comfy no drama quick divorce with a play nice as parents to the kids option, or end it with her now. He wanted us. Not the AP.)….this is and was worth an all-in try.

Me: Mrs. Uxor, BW, 50's

Mr Uxor, WH, 50's

DDay Summer 2013

Currently Married almost 30 years.Reconciled but working on ripples so we stay that way.

I was here before - read about it in my story.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2023   ·   location: here
id 8781504
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BetterNowReally ( new member #77292) posted at 3:11 PM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

BetterNowReally

- Did true R only start after you received all the truths?

That was part of it, but it was not really enough.

True reconciliation did not start until she realized the full impact of what she had done to me, to us, and to herself, and gathered the courage and desire to try to make amends and change herself for the better.

The final step that really brought it home was when I gave up and told her I was going to divorce her. I wasn’t bluffing, but she did change my mind. She got desperate and finally made the effort necessary to change.

The other thing that was crucial for me was getting therapy for myself. I needed it badly but had resisted for many years. (I have some other big issues besides the infidelity and cruelty of my fww, including suffering horrendous childhood abuse, military service trauma, and the death of a daughter and a grandson).

I will be 60 in a few months but felt pretty tortured until about three years ago. Sometimes I grieve the tough journey that my life has been, but at least my “golden years” will be amazing (fingers crossed).

[This message edited by BetterNowReally at 3:15 PM, Friday, March 10th]

Life is hard; get a helmet. Eric from Boy Meets World

posts: 24   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8781559
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 3:52 PM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

I will be 60 in a few months but felt pretty tortured until about three years ago. Sometimes I grieve the tough journey that my life has been, but at least my "golden years" will be amazing (fingers crossed).

Same, and Amen to that!

BW
Recovered
Reconciled

posts: 555   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8781576
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:43 PM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

We're in our 13th year after d-day. W committed to R on d-day; I committed 90 days later. We're happy together and expect to continue until one of us dies.

Life presents triggers occasionally, and I wish W hadn't cheated, but the A is just one of many stories that make up our lives' histories.

Are you aware of the 'Positive Reconciliation Stories' at the top of the list of threads in the R forum?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29993   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8781618
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 1:26 AM on Saturday, March 11th, 2023

I created a new SN just so that I could respond to this post. smile My former SN was SacredSoul (I was going through a pretty intense spiritual healing journey at the time) so, although SacredSoulSister is a wee bit cringe, I went with it. laugh

My D-Day was almost 19 years ago, and R started about three weeks later. We're approaching our 35th anniversary. I'd say that the main keys for success for us were:

- Willingness to be transparent and honest, even when the truth was uncomfortable and scary. Both of us, not just him. I'd say that's the #1 key to our success.

- A really good counselor. We never did IC, just MC. Our MC was terrific, but we're discovering that the current SI advice to forgo MC until IC is well underway, or to at least do IC in tandem with MC, is spot on. Between Covid isolation and my H's aging mom living with us, some old childhood trauma came bubbling up for my H and he started acting out a bit. Nothing infidelity related, but there was a definite "ask for forgiveness, not permission" vibe happening and I was NOT about it. He just started IC all these years later and things are looking up again. So yeah, IC is important. For both partners, IMO.

- Patience. The first year was all HB and excitement. The second year is when it got harder for me. It probably took five years or so before the triggers lost their oomph. I think I STILL seek the excitement of that first year because I felt so alive, even though I was in enormous pain. That's why I still creep on SI. I pain shop. I have plans to do some IC and maybe some EMDR so that I can stop picking at the wound. (See? IC is important!)

There's more, but those are the biggies.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1298   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8781677
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 Ragab (original poster member #82425) posted at 7:43 AM on Saturday, March 11th, 2023

As always, I appreciate your honesty and time to respond.

Sisoon: Are you aware of the 'Positive Reconciliation Stories' at the top of the list of threads in the R forum?
-no I did not, or maybe I saw it before but here is ALOT to "digest"
Sometimes it is easier to take the short cut to just ask blush

Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.... lately more stones than diamonds.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2022   ·   location: South Africa
id 8781692
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:18 PM on Saturday, March 11th, 2023

Just to be explicit, I believe in both asking questions and reading here, not either/or. In some areas, I wish more people would do research before cluttering up a forum, but on SI, I'm pretty much a both/and guy. smile

BTW, SI doesn't lend itself to searching by design, as an aid to preserving anonymity.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:21 PM, Saturday, March 11th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29993   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8781746
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 10:40 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

15th year this year. I treated the whole thing as a learning opportunity- about me, about him, about life and the human condition. He got curious too. Interesting and enjoyable journey together since. Thankful for that.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6646   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8782061
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 11:50 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

Edie,

When I first read this thread, I wished you were still posting. smile

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29993   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8782253
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 10:01 AM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

Hi Sisoon! I just popped in strangely enough. Probably not for long as I see I’m still pretty shit-hot at killing threads. Nice to see you. 😊

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6646   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8782296
Topic is Sleeping.
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