SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husbands EA was w a person he’s known since childhood; their fathers worked together He and her went to HS together, she worked with his mom in her store. This woman was married to a man who cheated on her their entire marriage - they are now divorced so there was no OBS to contact. She’s had designs on my husband for the better part of 40 yrs - hell the family knew it and tried to facilitate getting them to date in their teens. So when I found out they were emailing and messaging stupid flirty texts I did my detective work and realized it had just started - so this messaging was in its infancy - approx 1 wks worth of texting. I confronted both of them at the same time so they couldn’t coordinate a bunch of lies. I saw what I saw. There was no OBS, BUT! There was a whole family - so they got exposed to the family . But not EVERY single member of the family knows. There is now a NC in place. My husband texted and told her to never write or text ever again, no more contact ever.

The issue now is my husband’s brother passed away suddenly and the funeral is tomorrow. I’m STRESSED AF about seeing this woman tomorrow bc I know she’ll be there. I know she’ll bring her aging mom - bc these families have known each other for years.

She reached out to me after I confronted them about the texting etc. She told me she was apologetic, full of remorse, she said she was humiliated and felt guilty and so horrible about her involvement. She said she ate up the attention because she was feeling lonely but she knew it was wrong - we WERE friends! She said she is so ashamed of herself because she became the OW - and she was so traumatized by what her exH did to her and now she said she was so ashamed that she basically did the same thing to me. I’m forgiving but I don’t KNOW how I feel about her apology - I am gutted right now thinking about her being there tomorrow and having to see her. AND having to watch other family say things like oh how are you?? Haven’t seen you in years!! and hug on her not knowing the things that happened. I KNOW this is my husband’s fault for initiating the contact and opening that door with her. But because she was my friend too I feel like it’s a double act of betrayal bc they BOTH betrayed my trust. My husband just lost his brother so suddenly and unexpectedly just 3 days ago. He held his hand as they took him off life support. He’s still in shock and hasn’t quite processed all of this. He’s grieving and at times inconsolable. I don’t feel right bringing up my feelings about this woman possibly showing up to the funeral to him right now - especially since he’s so traumatized by what we witnessed in that hospital room. I definitely don’t want this to be all about me It’s definitely NOT about me - I just need advice on how to just handle my feelings tomorrow. I wonder if I should stick to my husband like glue to prevent her from coming up to us. Because YES I’m afraid she will come try to speak to me. Maybe say sorry again?? (HOPE to God not! Because that definitely wouldn’t be the time or place for that!!) If I’m with my husband the whole time or near/around him maybe she won’t try to speak to us? But I mean how do you say your condolences to the rest of the family and then skip us? I’m fully prepared to sit down and not say a word to her - I’m fully prepared to be there for my niece and nephew for their grief. I HOPE this woman has enough tact to just find a seat in the back, sit quietly, pay her respects and leave. It’s ALREADY so hurtful thinking about things they texted. And to have to see her tomorrow. Ugh! I mean would it be appropriate to contact her and ask that she NOT to come up to us?? Does that make me look petty and childish??

Thoughts? advice?

Blackbird, just tell you H to tell those people that you have a bad case of the stomach bug and you can text your relatives personally to apologize and send your condolences.

Food poisoning is great excuse. Puking and diarrhea.

Your H can go and you can stay home.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 5:56 PM, Thursday, March 2nd]

I'd message her and tell her she isn't welcome.

I'd also tell my husband how you expect him to behave if she does show up. Yes, he is grieving. Does that mean it's ok to be nice to the OW? Nope. Does that mean breaking NC and being around her is acceptable? Not one bit.

If she comes up to him, he is to turn away,as if she isn't there. If she speaks to him, he is to pretend he doesn't hear her,and seek you out.

FIL died a few years after dday. His ex, who had continually tried to insert herself into our marriage, showed up. My husband did just what I mentioned yours should do. He made it very clear that he wanted no part of her near him. He didn't make a scene,he just walked away from her.

I have to say, his actions during that moment of intense grief,showed me he was putting me first..always.

So much so that when MIL passed, it was me who called her and told her. And I invited her to the funeral. And hugged her when she arrived. I was able to do so,because I knew my husband put me first.

I hope yours does the same. It's ok to tell him what you expect of him.

Based on what you posted:

I would not talk to your H about this. It sounds like he has been traumatized by losing his brother and has not had time to process what happened. Yes, he did an absolutely horrible thing but under these circumstances I would cut him some slack.

I would attend the funeral.

Since you were friends with the ow, I would text her and either tell her not to attend or tell her if she attends to not speak to you or your H.

This is one of those unfortunate and very unfair situations you get thrown into through no fault of your own. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, the grief of losing a family member on top of infidelity with double betrayal.

Good luck tomorrow.

Blackbird, if I were you, this is what I'd do.

I'd just text my friends and family saying that I found some food item that I had forgotten about in the refrigerator and I ate it.

It tasted OK when I ate it.

A few hours after I ate it I was puking and have diahrea .

I will send condolences to the brother's family by text.

I will just cut my husband some slack and let him go to the funeral without me.

I will just tell my husband to repeat the story to whomever ask about me.

Thanks for your replies.
I’m not going to fake an illness and skip out. I want to be at my husband’s side during this difficult time.

I ended up reaching out to her and she’s decided to not come. I think it’s best. I just needed to strike up the nerve to tell her. I don’t want an uncomfortable situation and she agreed. I’m not ready to see her face to face yet. Maybe one day - maybe not ever. She was my friend and to have to see her during this very difficult time AND knowing what they did - I’m just not ready for that.

I'm glad you won't have that to deal with on such a very difficult day.

I'm so sorry for you and your husband's loss.

Blackbird25 , I'm glad things worked out for you.

I'm glad that you worked up the courage to call the AP.

I'm also glad that the AP decided not to go.

I'm glad the AP didn't put her foot down and went anyways that there would've drama at the funeral.

Sending you hugs.

Good that you are supporting your husband in his time of need.