SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Update:

WH was fired by our employer, which meant that I would lose my job at the end of the contract period (a few months from now). Suddenly I am moving on top of everything else.

WH had gotten a letter from a physician and we were starting to make plans for him to return abroad to clean up his mess and shoulder some of the massive responsibility he dumped on my shoulders.

His response to that was to get drunk, stoned and contact the AP. She sent him a NC in response ("I'm moving on with my family") and forwarded his message to her BS.

That's a pretty damn decisive end to our R. I sent him an NC. I let him know that I, too, am moving on with my family.

After finding me hiding under a chair, curled into a ball, sobbing in her office, my boss offered to let me go back to the US as soon as possible, and to still pay my salary for the remainder of my contract.

Every day since D-Day has been the worst day of my life. Maybe I can find some relief now that I've excised this man-shaped tumor from my life.

Oof... I'm so sorry, Pink. That's a tough blow on top of all you've been through. I do agree that his actions when he found out are telling.

As hard as it is to organize effectively with all the emotional aspects of this betrayal, I do think it's important for you to lock down custody issues as soon as humanly possible. Right now, your WH has the same parental rights that you do, but he is clearly not stable enough for responsible parenting. I know the last thing a new BS wants to do is to deal with practicalities. All our instinct is, as you said, to curl up under a chair and lick our wounds. Your WH is proving to be a really self-involved specimen though. I think you'd be wise to be prepared.

((hugs))

Thanks so much, ChamomileTea.

Unfortunately, the boys have not been in the US continuously long enough for the courts to have jurisdiction. I'm in legal no man's land. I am working with a lawyer who specializes in weird cases like mine to see if we can get something that can at least protect the boys until they've been in the US for the required length of time.

Thankfully, his parents are fully on my side (4 weeks witnessing his destructive spirals firsthand will do that), so hopefully they can offer some protection. They (and therefore my STBXWH) are also several states away.

I'm still reeling.

I'm so sorry HotPinkFlairPen, I don't have anything to add, I'm just sorry. You've been heard. We are here to support you.

So sorry, HPFP. Crushing blow. I'm glad you have family that support you and wish they were closer for your sake.

Sorry to hear about your latest developments. Just another layer of stress and difficulty to an already crappy situation. I re-read your original post and this jumped out at me:

I'd struggled with through our marriage without a filter. He was childish. He was lazy. He couldn’t handle the responsibility of being a father. During sex, he made me feel like a masturbatory vessel. He was incurious, unimaginative.

This does not ready like it was written by someone who loves their spouse. In fact, I might venture that there are underlying or not so underlying feelings of contempt towards your WH. Only now, due to his behaviour, are you giving yourself permission to open your own Pandora's box of repressed feelings toward your WH. Maybe you were apprehensive in going there before, as there might to have been a route back.

After my WW cheated, I was free to examine who she really was, without the bias of my "husband glasses". I was no longer under obligation to defend her vast shortcomings as Per my wedding vows. She was essentially on her own, to stand or fall based on her own merrits, and she had few if any. That's why I've written before, that even if she did everything right (which she didn't), the very best version of herself just wasnt good enough anymore, as I wasnt going to subsidize her shortcomings anymore.

As you untether yourself from him, you may find a shocking sense of clarity to your situation. If you're anything like me, the trauma wounds that you don't even realize care there, will take work to address. Good luck in starting your journey.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 2:15 PM, Saturday, March 18th]

Thank you, everyone.

Emergent, I just saw your post about the "I Can Relate" thread. Thank you, thank you. That is so very helpful.

JustSomeGuy, you've hit the nail on the head. It seems that I needed to have my "wife glasses" forcefully removed. Without the filter of unconditional trust, I see that my STBXWH is dishonest to his core.

When he broke NC, he sent a message from a new email address urging the AP to install another messaging app and contact him using a phone number I had no idea he had. The subject of the message was "Read Alone" and he gave her detailed instructions about deleting the message from her inbox and trash, and telling her not to tell a soul about this because he was risking everything. AP replied with an NC and CC'ed her BH. If she hadn't done that, I don't think he ever would have told me about this. DDay #2. That's all the DDays he gets.

He called me and acted like he was hungover. I asked what happened. Cue drip-feeding. "I picked up." "What does that mean?" "I drank." By this point (4 weeks since DDay), I've grown wary enough to say, "And what else?" "...And I got a hold of some weed." "And what else?" "...I was really angry at AP, so I tried to contact her."

He said that he'd gotten drunk to the point of raging and that he intended to tell her how angry he was. This is in direct contrast to the grammatically flawless and conspiratorial tone of the email he sent, which he closed with "Hope to talk to you soon."

I will never be able to fully parse how much of what he told me in our 12 years together was true, or what kind of lies he told my friends and family to poison them against me. Looking through the framework of "this man is a pathological liar," though, I suddenly understand a lot of experiences that just didn't add up. Friends who suddenly turned away or called me out for things I hadn't done. My mom never messaging me directly, instead funneling all the life updates, news, everything, through STBXWH. A woman at our old job accusing him of sexual harassment. And much more.

Oh, HPFP,

My heart is breaking for you, but I admire your strength throughout this ordeal. It is so obvious your husband does not deserve you. You are still young and can have a full and happy life going forward without this deceptive man in your life.

Sending a big hug.

Posted as "SI Staff" in error.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:00 PM, Friday, March 17th]

I will never be able to fully parse how much of what he told me in our 12 years together was true, or what kind of lies he told my friends and family to poison them against me. Looking through the framework of "this man is a pathological liar," though, I suddenly understand a lot of experiences that just didn't add up. Friends who suddenly turned away or called me out for things I hadn't done. My mom never messaging me directly, instead funneling all the life updates, news, everything, through STBXWH. A woman at our old job accusing him of sexual harassment. And much more.

I was just posting in another thread about how my fWH was a guy with "a big bag of masks" during his affairs and how all I wanted at the time was "the sweet guy I married" back. But you know, I do think that there are some people who NEVER show their true face, who basically have BECOME that bag of masks. The true personality underneath has been so completely sublimated and for so long that the BS has no idea who they've been dealing with or whether the person they married was ever a real person at all.

I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. I know it all probably seems so insurmountable right now but it's easy to see what strong, resilient person you are. Not everyone can uproot their lives, go overseas, raise kids, and be successful in their career. You've done all those things. You're smart and you're capable, and you're going to be okay. This whole process sucks, but in the end, you're going to make something wonderful because that's who you are, and who you are is someone who isn't going to settle for less. Have faith. You've got this.

Thank you, everyone. I've been reading and rereading your posts.

I'm so depressed right now. He is just a bag of masks, and now he can add, "divorced dad who doesn't get to see his kids, woe is me" to the pile. He's been trying to use them as pity-magnets and bargaining chips through this whole thing. He was barely around when he lived with them!

He really latched on to the twins after DDay, but it's just because they suit his narrative. He just wants to see his kids, see? That gives him plenty of room to look like the victim, and to blame-shift. His mean wife that he probably should never have been with drove him to cheat and now she's taking his babies! Doesn't she know that they are his whole world?

Which I suppose is why he staged a suicide attempt while they cried in their cribs?

I'm so ready to be out of this black hole of lies. He can tell his enablers whatever he wants. He's the one who failed as a parent.

Which I suppose is why he staged a suicide attempt while they cried in their cribs?

You've come a long way in a short time, indicating your vast reservoirs of strength and resilience. Just look at how you phrased thus. Your WH did not attempt suicide, but staged a suicide attempt. He did this in a way that would surly be unsuccessful, in a place he would surly be found. Once the mask slips, you can never unsee what is or isn't beneath it.

My EXWW once retorted that she isn't evil. I would agree that she isn't. She's not some Machiavelian villain. She's just not a good person. She's incapable of living an authentic life and so her personality and character faults stain everyone around her. Once I realized that my life purpose was not meant to subsidize her inadequacies, I was liberated from the need to actually give a shit. Towards the end, she would tell me that she hated when she came to me with one of her problems and I would respond that it was above my pay grade. She was so addicted to my support, she could not imagine a world where I had withdrawn it, regardless of her actions.

It is sad to watch her, or any human being, slowly dissolve in her sea of consequence, but again, above my pay grade. Play stupid games...

My EXWW once retorted that she isn't evil. I would agree that she isn't. She's not some Machiavelian villain. She's just not a good person.

Another parallel! STBXWH retorted at one point, "I don't have some evil master plan here!" Sure, sure, but he needs to manipulate every situation to suit his whims. You're so right, it's an inauthentic way to live. Also, not having a plan isn't something to be proud of.

I have to thank everyone on this site for helping me tap into my own strength. This is not a road to walk alone.

HotPink: Hahaha my WW said the near-exact same phrase at the end; 'You think I am some Machiavellian evil mastermind, but I'm not!'

I responded with, 'Don't worry, I never said you were a mastermind.' 🤣🤣🤣

Jokes aside, anyone who can actively plan over an extended period to screw over their husband or wife (and family) knowing full well what the consequences are, is evil. In my case, that was my WW actively dating a co-worker for 2 years before getting with another co-worker barely weeks later.

The audacity to think of themselves as good people...

Your story is very similar to my friend's story. She is also married to a ultra narcissistic, alcoholic, serial cheater. But, my friend has not yet removed her 'wife glasses'. She is still clinging on to the hope that some miracle will happen and he will become the husband she deserves. And there is not a single day she doesn't cry because of him. It's frustrating to see her suffer like that. At least you are getting out that horrible mess of man. Prayers for you and your children.

Thank you, everyone.

Obviously, we have kids together, so NC isn't really an option. There could also be legal/financial repercussions if we can't work stuff out amicably. I got the advice to start working stuff out with him while he's in the "love-bombing" phase of the cycle. Still, it was hard. I spent the next day in a panic. I wasn't ready to talk to him yet.

I've been talking to him, and it's been hard. I wish I could just cut and run (though I would never, ever wish I didn't have my beautiful boys). Obviously, this is fresh, not even 2 months in, and there's a whirlwind of emotions as I dismantle our home and pick up the pieces.

There's so much changing, part of me wants to keep him as a constant, if nothing else. That part of me is not rational or looking out for my best interests, but it's there.

I've always been the more sexual person in our relationship and it really does sting that he was out there having more sex than me. I was so patient in our sexless marriage. Helluva unmet need as I try to keep my brain together.

I got the advice to start working stuff out with him while he's in the "love-bombing" phase of the cycle. Still, it was hard. I spent the next day in a panic. I wasn't ready to talk to him yet.

I've been talking to him, and it's been hard. I wish I could just cut and run (though I would never, ever wish I didn't have my beautiful boys). Obviously, this is fresh, not even 2 months in, and there's a whirlwind of emotions as I dismantle our home and pick up the pieces.

That's a really difficult position to be in. On the one hand, it makes sense that getting an advantageous agreement would be easier if he still thinks he's making headway. On the other, contact makes it harder for you to get the headspace you need to break through your enmeshment with him.

It does stand to reason though that he's only going to work with you for as long as he thinks he's getting somewhere. At the point where he starts feeling like he's not going to be able to move you, all bets will most likely be off. Yours are the boots on the ground, of course, but if your strategy is keeping him sweet while you disentangle yourself, there is a point of diminishing returns. With that in mind, I don't think you're wrong if you suit yourself and decide what contact you'll have based on your own comfort.

How are you doing, HotPink?

I've been talking to him, and it's been hard. I wish I could just cut and run (though I would never, ever wish I didn't have my beautiful boys). Obviously, this is fresh, not even 2 months in, and there's a whirlwind of emotions as I dismantle our home and pick up the pieces.

There's so much changing, part of me wants to keep him as a constant, if nothing else. That part of me is not rational or looking out for my best interests, but it's there.

This makes sense. Your ENTIRE world has been overturned in a few short months. As amazingly straight as your head sounds right now, it makes sense that your heart is a little slower to catch up.

Moving...from a foreign country....by yourself.... with twin toddlers.... on top of dealing with the intense emotional infidelity that is part and parcel of dealing with infidelity. I don't envy you a bit right now. Sending strength.

Thank you so much.

I am so exhausted. Packing, getting rid of things, appointments with movers, the vet, the government, my employer, IC, airlines sales office. Keeping the boys clean and dry and fed. Dealing with the nanny's misdirected anger that her job is gone.

My sense of time is warped. The daylight hours seem to crawl on forever and, at night, the hours pass in a flash and I barely get any sleep as my head spins.

I'm so grateful that I do have true, true friends who continue to help. My work is also permitting me to drop the kids at their daycare while I pick up, package and pay loads of money to ship the pieces.

We had built a life together out here, and every little item represents us investing in our future. It hurts so much.

All my stability is gone and I'm so tired. My dad is flying in.

HPFP, you are doing fantastic. Just wanted to say that.

…but he needs to manipulate…

Yes, your WH is a master manipulator, warping his world around him. It has got him this far quite successfully, it would take an extraordinary epiphany for him to chart a different course. Doubt he has it in him, based on my observation of others in family like him. I wonder how they look at themselves in the mirror, but they do.

Since you do have to stayed connected through your kids (I could see him not doing that, actually) consider how, in your interactions with him, you can make honesty his winning play. Lying has worked until now.

If you click on my profile you’ll see I have a list of the 12 habits of survivors listed. It’s from the book Deep Survival. The book focuses on stuff like your plane crashing in a jungle, but it applies to getting dropped into an emotional one too. Give it a look, I’d appreciate your thoughts on it.

Somewhere out there is a guy who will love you and your kids, and give you the life you deserve. You sound like a great person. Go find him (or let him find you).

Sending strength!