SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey everyone. I'm happy you are all here, but sad at the same time. It helps me to feel less alone in my situation, but how awful that there are so many of us.

I just found out that my husband has been cheating for the last few months with his coworker. Mostly through text, but he says they "hooked up" at the last conference they went to together. He isn't denying anything. He seems to be straightforward about everything when I ask him questions, but I just can't trust him. I feel like a fool. He says he's sorry and says he has deleted her contact info and blocked her from his phone, but I just don't know. I don't know where to turn. I feel stuck because my first instinct is to leave, but I still love him. I feel foolish for wanting to stay after he hurt me so deeply. I'm thinking we should try counseling. Maybe that will help me clear my mind.

I think the toughest part for me right now is trying to live a normal life when nothing feels normal.

ItCantRainAlltheTime -

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Others should be coming along to provide you with more help. Do you mind me asking a few questions: approx how long have you been married? do you have any children? did you catch him cheating or did he confess? if he confessed, did he give you a reason why he confessed? did he give you a reason for why he cheated? Was the co-worker someone you knew and who he told you not to worry about?

I’m assuming he also wants to remain married. Two books you should pick up immediately 1. How to Help Your Spouse After Your Affair & 2. NOT ‘Just’ Friends, you both should read these books. I also think the book Cheating in a Nutshell would be a good read for you to help you decide whether infidelity is something you can move past in the long run.

I admittedly am not a fan of reconciliation, BUT there are several members here who have "successfully" reconciled (I put that in quotes because I believe that is subjective.)

You don’t have to rush. You don’t have to make a decision immediately as to whether try and reconcile or immediately divorce. I’ve seen people say wait 6 months, but I don’t think there is a finite time period. There will come a day where you’ll know if this is a betrayal you can build from or it was a definite deal breaker. Did you ever tell your husband cheating was a deal breaker? If so, what did he expect would happen once you found out?

What has he done in terms of reconciling other than the basics, apologizing & blocking his AP? Has he offered to quit and find another job? You’re on the internet searching for help, what research has he done? This is one of the reasons I’m no fan of reconciling, IMO the BS does the most of the work, books, therapy, research etc. Has he offered passwords to all his devices? Offered to sign a post-nuptial if you stay? What work is he putting into reconciling?

It’s not recommended that you begin with marriage counseling. The saying goes, the marriage didn’t cheat. You both should start with individual therapy, he to figure out how he could do this, and you for betrayal trauma.

Please keep posting. As you acknowledged, it’s sad that such a group needs to exist but you could not find a better group of people to count on.

Hi, Rain;

I am so sorry you are here, but glad you found us. I, too, was unhappily surprised to learn how many people are on SI. It’s so sad infidelity is so rampant in our culture.

What you are feeling right now is normal for what you are going through. Your brain is trying to figure out why your WH did what he did. It is going back through all your memories and re-labeling them. This will take time and you will be confused and distracted a lot until this settles down.

It sounds like you’ve been reading her a bit, so I am believing you have a head start on what we all are about to say. Aletheia has brought out some good points, so I’ll not repeat what she has said.

It seems your WH is taking steps to change himself, which is good. Beware, however. I have read many stories where the WS does whatever the BS wants, but still has contact with the AP via a burner phone, hidden app on their phone, contact via company communication at work, talking in person at work, etc. Usually, this is just a show to get you to settle down and stop investigating. I truly hope this is not the case for you. Only time will tell and you need to leverage that to your advantage.

Don’t commit to MC, or anything for that matter, with him right now. Tell him you need time to think and digest what you have learned. If you feel the need, go stay with friends or family for a few days. You are not in a hurry, here. The best decisions in matters like this are those made with much thought and consideration, and input from those who’ve been down the road you just started.

Post often and keep us informed on what is happening. We are here for you. (Sounds like I’m repeating Aletheia, doesn’t it?!)

[This message edited by Beachwalker at 8:13 PM, Tuesday, February 28th]

ItCantRainAlltheTime,

I am so sorry to hear that you have discovered this. I hope you find the same comfort and support that I have found on this site.

You are right that the real damage in an affair is the violation of trust, and trust is fundamental to a good relationship. That damage happens, even when we still love our spouses and hope we can find a way to reconcile and move on.

The one thing I have learned, and I am a month away from my own discovery of a 3-year affair, is that I rushed too quickly to think about the question of leave or reconcile. It was this site, and some of the people on it, that helped me understand this powerful truth: RECOVER FIRST.

I actually cut and pasted the article in the healing library ("What every WS needs to understand about a BS") so that I could ask him to read it without revealing this site. And then I told him that we were in a stage of recovery, and only after that could we determine if we were divorcing or trying to reconcile. Recovery means BOTH of us coming to terms with what happened and what it means about who we were, who we are, and who we want to become.

That idea of recovery first gave me time and space to find solid ground. I am not there yet, but I am in counseling and sorting through what I would need to be able to trust him —even just to have a less bitter divorce. I have stressed to him that recovery is important to either outcome. We will always be connected by two children, and we both want to do as little damage to them as we can.

Aletheia, Beachwalker, and Reckless Forgiver,

Thank you so much for reaching out and providing your insight and support. I've seen those books you suggested, and I've also found one that I think will be really helpful for us. It's called Infidelity: The Best Worst Thing That Could Happen to Your Marriage. I think what I like about it so far is that it really breaks down what is needed to recover and heal, and it stresses that healing doesn't necessarily mean repairing the marriage. It echoes what you guys are saying here, that recovery is the first step and that recovery requires knowing exactly what happened, the whole truth about it, no crap, then you can start to decide if you want to stay or leave.

You've all given me a lot to think about and consider. To answer some questions, we've been married for 9 years. I'd met his AP at a couple work parties, but felt so secure in our marriage and his fidelity that I never saw her as a threat. I'm not naturally a suspicious or jealous person, so I feel like even more of a fool. I mean, why did I trust so readily? How could I not see that he was deceiving me?

I discovered the affair when a notification popped up on his lock screen from her saying she had fun with him at the conference with the devil face emoji. When I asked him about it, he tried to make up some lie about a party after the conference getting crazy, but at that point, I was suspicious and insisted on seeing his phone. He didn't want to hand it over, and that's when I knew. After a big fight, he finally did, and I saw everything. They had been texting for about a year. Pictures. The things they said. I'm so crushed. Supposedly, he only slept with her the one time, but I don't buy it.

He says he's sorry. He's offered to provide me full access to everything and claims he's told her it's over, but I just don't believe him anymore. Especially when you work with someone.

I feel like I need the MC, only because I feel like I need someone that can help us navigate through what happened, to ask the right questions to actually get some real answers from him, to call him on his crap when all I can do is cry and yell. I feel like having a third person to help us talk it through would be helpful. At least it might help us stop fighting.

I'm glad I found this group. At least I'm not alone. Thanks, you guys!

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you had to find us. Please check out the pinned posts at the top of the forum, if you haven't already. The posts, plus articles in the Healing Library, are full of information to help you out.

Generally, we recommend IC (individual counseling) first, so that you have a chance to heal. Your WH (wayward husband) should be in IC to get to the bottom of his why's. MC can be really harmful because there's a tendency to shift blame to the BS (betrayed spouse). While there are issues in just about any M (marriage), your M didn't cheat - your WH did.

The emotional roller coaster can take you on some wild rides, so please feel free to vent away.

What is your WH doing to become a safe partner? Many times, we recommend that the WS (wayward spouse) find another job so there is no chance of contact at all. Also, is this an area where HR would need to be involved?

One thing we strongly recommend – and has repeatedly shown to be extremely effective – is letting all stakeholders know of the affair.
Is the OW married? Her husband needs to know. You do so without warning your husband – it’s just done.
What is their work relationship? Is either a supervisor of the other or higher in the hierarchy?
Are they in work-related contact?

I'm not naturally a suspicious or jealous person, so I feel like even more of a fool. I mean, why did I trust so readily? How could I not see that he was deceiving me?

Don't think you were a fool for even a second. You were a faithful and honourable person. You never felt your WH would cheat because cheatingvwas and is unthinkable to you. You naturally projected your world view onto him. For the same Cresson, my WW projected her character onto me and was insanely jealous, when she had cheated in her last relationship. People naturallyvsee their behaviour as typical and assume everyone is like them. Sadly, trauma like infidelity can skew things to the other extreme. I know I tend to see infidelity everywhere now and I wonder if that's healthy.

Anyway, don't punish yourself for being decent. Too few of you decent people left.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sadly, you can’t trust him right now. It is perhaps best to think of him as you would a drug addict. Not that he is addicted to this OP (maybe he could care less about them) but his mind is not right. There is no way, with his indiscretions being so recent, that he is someone that you should be believing. Obviously, your gut is telling you the very same thing. If you love him then you are going to have hope. Hope that this was a mistake, hope that things could work out. And maybe they can. I would literally not believe a word he is saying. Essentially, right now you may need to protect him from himself. People may say you shouldn’t be the marriage police. But, in retrospect i am pretty sure that me being the marriage police protected my husband from taking his minor hookup to the next level and if they had gone further physically it would have been catastrophic. So I think it is fine to be the marriage police in the first six months. Obviously you need all passwords, locations tracking, show up wherever he is, do unexpected visits at the office, whatever you need. Even more importantly they can not work at the same place. That is an absolute. I would divorce before allowing that. Be prepared to walk if he doesn’t solve that piece of the puzzle.

And then sit back and try to heal you, but honestly you’re probably not ready for that yet. Right now you are in crisis mode. That is okay. Be with him 24/7. The only way you know he isn’t cheating right now is if you are staring him in the eyes. If they are in the office together, assume they are hooking up. That was my mistake, I hadn’t really realized how low people would stoop. Assume they will do the most pathetic things possible. If he can be no contact for sufficient time and he is a good person you have a shot at recovery. At that point it will be on you to see if you can heal. But right now, again, you are in crisis mode. Good luck!

And BTW this is not normal.

Don't think you were a fool for even a second. You were a faithful and honourable person.

I love JustSomeGuy's comment. I really identify with your feelings about how an affair can corrupt or exploit the best things about us—make us question aspects of who we are that are good, even beautiful.

In the month since my own DDay, I struggle with this issue. I am a person who has always believed in the human capacity to grow, evolve, and change. In my work life, my ability to see the best in people is a superpower that helps inspire people to be better versions of themselves. If I let this A corrupt that part of me, I am giving up an aspect of who I am that I find beautiful and meaningful.

So what do I do?

For me, the answer was this: I clearly set out to WS that his betrayal exploited the best things about me, and that was his shame, not mine. I also said that it is not in my nature to become his monitor; I have no interest in a relationship with someone who is not worth trusting. That means: 1) The only path forward is brutal honesty. Another betrayal of any sort does not just mean no chance to reconcile. It means no chance for the peaceful co-parenting we would both want in a divorce. 2) He should focus on what it means to reassure me and demonstrate to me that he is being trustworthy. Why should I take on the work of 'proving' he is not still lying to me? That's his job, not mine. My job is to judge if he is presenting me with convincing evidence of his trustworthiness.

I have decided that I cannot remain in a relationship without trust. It will destroy the best parts of me. Either he can do the work to prove/earn my trust or he is no longer a person with whom I am compatible.

P.S. We are also using the same book as our framework for navigating recovery! I love it. It's been a good 'neutral' voice of the impact of infidelity, and it is clear that recovery helps the couple decide on the path that will be the right path. It's helped him hear things in a different way than when I say it, and it has helped me understand the WS and what recovery for WS looks like. I find his note about the courage it takes for a BS to do this work is very helpful. I reread it all the time.

It is so devastating when he cheats. The betrayal. It shakes you to your core. Have you tried counseling?