SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know. I'm so cried out ...

Friend, you have come to the right place. But right now you need to seek out additional resources. I don't want to bombard you with a long list, but you do need to get in contact with an attourney, and I suppose the detective too, so that it is established that you are alive...

ETA: When was the discovery and what have you done since? You mentioned in another post dated 2/21 finding out, so by now you have been gone from your WW for at least 10 days...any updates since?

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:26 PM, Tuesday, February 28th]

Holy hell man you have been through the ringer. Such devastating trauma. Heartbreaking. Just heartbreaking.

Those visuals replaying in your mind. How do you ever get over something like that and try to begin to heal? Not with her, that's how. That's not your wife anymore man. I hope you never speak to her again.

Look up the member name here called SpaceGhost0007 and read his story. He left and never looked back.

Your wife got a text late at night while laying in bed next to you, her husband, and decided to be at the beck and call of another man for his own sexual gratification without so much as a thought about you. Lying to you all the way. And how many times has she done this? While treating you like shit? Gladly and willingly giving him what is rightfully yours? All she had to do was say no to him. But she has been saying yes and driving all the way there to make it happen with him. Wow.

You deserve so much better. Literally anyone crossing the street anywhere in the world right now would be better.

I can't tell you what to do. This is a nuclear bomb going off in your life and in your heart. It is absolutely devastating and destructive. My advice would be to never see her or speak to her again. What can she possibly say that matters? Why even believe anything she says anyway? She has been lying to you all along and treating you with the absolute utmost disrespect possible.

She does not deserve you or to ever get to speak to you again. That's my advice brother. It sucks. I wish I had the strength to have handled my situation that way instead of listening to all the lies and promises and trying to make sense out of everything. All that did was drive me even more crazy and make me look weak. My wife said she would stop seeing the other guy but she didn't. And I found out later that he wasn't the only one. She eventually left me anyway despite all of my efforts to save the marriage and salvage things.

We are here for you man. Whatever you need.

POST D DAY

I'm still here in AR . Had a chat with my boss and he is letting me work remote for the time being . I guess the police also contacted him as to my whereabouts.

My WW filed a missing person report. I contacted the detective and told him I'm fine , he asked me to call my wife to let her know. I told him that's his job , and I'm not interested in any contact with her.

I finally turned my phone back on , I had been using my friend's phone for 2wks now. I turned off Google location services.

I counted 127 text messages from my WW and 15 voicemail

I haven't responded to any of them .

. She still doesn't know that I know...

I'm trying to decide what to do next . I think that I'm going to take screen shots of the video that I took and text them to her . One in each position and the last one the selfie that I took with tears streaming down my face.

At least I'm considering it.

My other issue is that I've been drunk everyday since I found out.

I know that has to stop , but that's how I'm coping with it right now.

It's the only way I can sleep.
Without the movie playing in my head...

I kinda blame myself for this shit show. Worked too many hrs the last 2yrs.

I never thought this would happen. I was so looking toward retirement...Sigh

Now I understand why you posted in Just Found Out. You did literally just find out. And though you haven't specifically requested any particular advice, your posts in this thread are a cri du coeur.

The standard first advice for a man in your position: make it a point to hydrate. Stay off the booze. Exercise to exhaustion as often as you can. Many men find it salutary to spend a lot of time punching a heavy bag.

Get tested for STD's.

The most common advice about a cheating spouse's active ongoing infidelity is to expose it to the light of day. Send the data to your WW, her parents, and a couple of your friends.

In the meantime, meet with a good divorce lawyer in your home town (you can do this via zoom or such). This is NOT to file a divorce. Rather, this is to get a sense of what divorce would look like for you, both during and after. Since you're currently in AR, and you drove there, I'm guessing you reside in a southern state. Some of those states have "for cause" divorce options under which you can sidestep spousal support or such. In other states, even if there isn't a formal "for cause" option, infidelity will impact your divorce outcome. You should aggressively explore that.

I'm trying to decide what to do next . I think that I'm going to take screen shots of the video that I took and text them to her . One in each position and the last one the selfie that I took with tears streaming down my face.

At least I'm considering it.

I know you are dealing with a lot brother and I'm sorry that you find yourself here. This hurts and sucks a ton. You have inconvertible, first hand obtained proof of your wife cheating, which itself is dual in nature, the blessing and the curse.

Do not send the screenshots of the video and most importantly, do not send her your tears. I get it. Her actions were like a nuclear bomb to your life and it has devastated you in unimaginable ways...do not let her know that shit at this stage. The tears aren't going to do anything but make you look weak to her and actually fuel her cake eating. She has two men that love her and want her...for her, it's a massive amount of ego kibbles that she gets from this. The only communication you should have with her is through your attorney at this point.

Please don't send the picture with your tears.

Please consult a lawyer, ASAP. You need *legal* advice to protect your interests i.e., your finances. You have been through a huge trauma indeed. Keep posting, we are rooting for you and are behind you!

The time away is good for you. You need space to clear your head.

Talk to a lawyer. You need to know your rights. Immediately.

That will help you make a decision.

I would also not recommend sending the video but you do need to tell her you know.

Keep the video to your self.

But letting her know you know might help you make your decision.

Her reaction might push you in one direction.

If she acts angry you never return and divorce immediately.

If she tries to save the marriage her job is done immediately and she is not leaving the house without being accountable for a long time.

See the lawyer.

I’m so sorry.

You need to get the ball rolling as what you want to do.

And you need to expose her (after lawyer talk) as her reaction will point the way forward. Her reaction may make the decision for you.

Take care of yourself in the meantime.

No rush on talking to her but definite rush on lawyer.

I did some digging on this guy. He is married with 4 kids..

WTF was my wife thinking ?

Why , why ,why ?

He owns the business. I now have his wife's contact info from his FB page..Should I send her a message ?

The general consensus here is to inform the OBW (the "Other Betrayed Wife") -- the AP's wife.

Doing it via social media, and especially via Facebook Messenger, is generally the worst way to do this. The AP is likely on high alert by now and monitoring his unwitting wife's social media. Chances are high he will intercept any effort to reach her in that way.

Best is to find a phone for her, maybe a work number by using LinkedIn. Call her.

Do it before contacting your WW. Many BS's here have found the OBS ("Other Betrayed Spouse") to be a valuable ally in gathering info and formulating strategy.

Yes, Jimi tell the OBS by telephone.

Jimi007

I have a hard time on the timeline of your story. Did all this happen in the last couple of weeks?
You created your account here on SI late last year and even around the 11th of February you only suspected your wife of cheating, mainly based on different chimes on her phone.
You then start a thread about sexual acts and AP.
Then shortly later you start this thread with the cumulating post about what you witnessed. All this within 2 weeks…
This would be so traumatic and would definitely mess people up.

I'll try to get her phone number

I just had a zoom call with one of my childhood friends. He's a divorce lawyer . He said he would represent me pro Bono. Said he owed me from way back.

Was nice to reminisce, with him . We go back decades.

On my end , there is NO R....

Fuck that. I'm so fucking angry right now.

@Bigger. At this point I don't even know the timeline. I feel like my life is a blurr , like I have been erased...

What just happened to me..? I thought things were fine.

I wonder what my WW thinks ?
I read the texts and listened to the voice mails .

It was all , hello ? , where are you ?

@Bigger , I have been suspicious for a while. Gut feeling. I don't know my feelings right now. I'm a mess...

Jimi, I also did some digging into your story.

You joined 10 of 22.

In your first few post, you seem extremely well versed in how to bust A's with VARS and PI.

Have you been investigating your wife with those methods and never caught her until two weeks ago?

Telling the OM's wife is the right thing to do.

I did some digging on this guy. He is married with 4 kids..

WTF was my wife thinking ?

Why , why ,why ?

He owns the business. I now have his wife's contact info from his FB page..Should I send her a message ?

I recommend that you find a way to speak with her in person or over the phone, that way you know the message is at least received. Too many times we've seen texts, Facebook messages or even emails intercepted by the AP. This poor woman probably knows something is wrong with her marriage but she can't pinpoint it and by telling her, it will of course be painful for her to know the truth, but in the end, you are showing her kindness and grace by giving her the truth about her marriage so that she can make informed decisions about her future. Of course, you may get into it with her and realize she has known and maybe she was trying to find you all along and tell you. Either way, once you let her know the truth about what is going on, both her and you can move forward with whatever plans you have for your respective lives.

I saw you mentioned a friend who will represent you, can he get your wife served with papers soon? Have your wife served and let the AP's wife know, but also, it is okay to be a teensy bit selfish here and consult with your attorney about delaying the OBS know by a few days if that is what he needs to get everything drawn up and ready to serve your wife.

I agree..don't send the picture of you crying. She will attempt to use your pain against you. She will try to manipulate you.

Call OBS.

I also wouldn't send her the pics, or videos,of their sex acts. In some states,it might be considered revenge porn.

Also..it would tell her what you know. And,with a manipulative wife that you are divorcing,never reveal your sources.