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Newest Member: Lissa

Reconciliation :
Have I self-destructed and wrecked my own marriage.


 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 5:02 PM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023


She is not in IC.

She said she would but its like again she is using it as a threat that she will go to IC. Like she thinks its going to get at me. Like its going to bother me that she is in IC.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8780281

Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 6:40 PM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

She needs to be in IC and you need to ensure that the IC is an infidelity specialised one. Until then I don’t think you have a huge amount to work with.

I’m not saying she can’t get there, it just sounds like she is offering the minimum waiting for you to "get over it" and you can’t get over it because she’s not actually providing the necessary reassurance of becoming a safe partner.

Dday - 27th September 2017

posts: 1703   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8780310

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:25 PM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023


I think the key is that you still don’t believe.

I’m of the school that thinks that to recover you truly need to know what you are recovering from. I don’t know your story. Don’t know if her story is believable or if it’s true or not. What I do know is that YOU have doubts.
Those doubts can become your truths. Like a child that is scared of the monster under the bed. Might not be a monster, but the child is still scared because to the child the monster is there. In your situation you aren’t clear if it’s a big green fire-spewing dragon or a fluffy and friendly cookie monster…

With those doubts… To use a comparison. If you broke your foot and didn’t have it looked at then with time you would learn how to live with the limitations and pain. That condition becomes the new norm. You learn how to hobble to the living room, where to lean and where to rest. You accept that you can’t take a walk or go for a jog. Eventually you don’t know anything else.
I think that’s what you have been trying to do. Learn to live with pain and call that reconciliation…

I think that is one of the main reasons we have these threads stating R isn’t possible… We have so many thinking they are in healing when they are more in a learn-to-cope mentality. Part of the R process is facing issues – as a couple – head on and dealing with them. The truth being IMHO a key issue.

I would suggest the following.
Give yourself a couple of hours to write down her story and to write down what you think happened. Focus on the gaps and the differences. The things that worry you.
Then ask your wife to come sit down with you.
Point out that you are still there. That’s got to show you WANT to reconcile. That you are willing to do what’s needed.
Then tell her your issue. Your concern: That you don’t think you have the truth.
Before she says anything then let her know:
NO MATTER WHAT she shares NOW will not automatically make you divorce her, but that you fear that 1-2 more years of uncertainty will definitely prevent you from the marriage you want. This is holding you back, and some time NOW to make you feel safe and in control will be the KEY to both of you finding happiness.
Then – and only then when you have convinced her that the truth now causes less damage than secrets kept – you outline your concerns.

You then discuss how she can confirm her story. Can she confirm she did X by showing you the credit-card transactions or cash-withdrawals around that time? Can she confirm Y didn’t happen by reminding you that you two were at home that day? What can she do to confirm that HER truth is the TRUTH?

Discuss how you can confirm that she’s being honest.

Yes… the dreaded Poly-issue, but here is has a purpose. That purpose needs to be clear to both of you.
You see – if she fails a poly it strongly indicates that despite your open and frank discussion and admissions she doesn’t trust you. She doesn’t trust you with the truth. To me that would be a very big indicator that your broken left foot is simply offering your right foot to limp along.

If she passes… well… then its up to you to deal with that some of your fears are yours alone. That you have the truth and it might be masking some other fear or resentment. You then find them and deal with them.

Finally – Make it clear that the truth is needed because both of you deserve to be happy. As is – with your doubts – you will never be content nor happy. That in turn will gnaw at your marriage, resulting in her never finding happiness. If she is hiding something then that too will gnaw at her, preventing her from happiness and therefore the marriage and you.
No matter the cost – the truth will always pay for itself multiple times.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11422   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8780459

Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 2:35 AM on Saturday, March 4th, 2023


you asked:

How do I get over this? Will time really make it better?

Given your age and history - I'm asking why do you want to stay? To continue to suffer? Harboring hope wife will morph back to who you thought she was before the 38 years old paramour came on to her and she willing accepted his advances? Or did she do the advancing? Have you found out the timeline? (haven't looked at all your posts before this thread)

Only once? Marz quotes: "Cheaters lie, then lie some more!" Do you really have all the story?

It seems to me that for you to start your internal healing - you need to reconcile whether or not you have the whole story.

Then you have to choose if you will start working to get used to the Merde Panini and also realize the memory(s) are a permanent part of your life whether you stay or go in your marriage. I have read here that a treatment called "EMDR" has helped some.

Others, IC

Regarding your wife. I don't think you ever really knew who she was with regard to ethics/integrity/character/morals/etc.

The affair ripped off the bandaid covering who she really is mentally. The new wife is who you need to acclimate to - the old one is long gone.

Look at the story of waitedwaytolong - 5 years and a measure of clairvoyance of who is or was inside finally gave him the will to pursue the choice he chose which was not in his original life plan when he married.

So it is with you. You have had a Sabot tossed into your gearbox and now you have to figure out how to rebuild or get a new gearbox.

As someone who was (partly) raised by parents who tom/alley catted as long as they were alive and never separated, I can tell you that you are affecting your childrens outlook - maybe subliminally - so "don't stay the course for the children."

You're in you early 40s right? There are lots of women who would love to have a faithful partner. Staying in your unhappy state is a choice you are making and, from your posts, you wife is still not a person who is what she needs to be for moving forward in creating a new and happy marriage. Will she "get it?" Has she read and STUDIED How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful? (Linda MacDonald)

Have you read the book? Seems an ordinary person could grasp how to move forward and how to make changes that will foster rebuilding a marriage. Some folks think the BS should tell the WS what they need. Really? Is there some mysterious force in the Universe than keeps a BS from willingly working towards making amends? Like read the Fxxxxxxx Manual! (aka Linda's book)

p12241342 - read through your past threads and see if there is really any progress in moving towards the goal you have for yourself with regard to your marriage.

Then also give some thought to maybe, deep in your psyche, you are more like waitedwaytolong and need to make the painful choice to move on as opposed to staying in the painful state of your marriage.

You cannot change the past, you can only work on anything during the time of your day - which can affect your future. Your future, as I see it from your post, isn't going to change until you make some changes and do some work to enforce the changes.

Try and think to yourself the choices: If I stay, where will I be next year? 2 years? 10 years? Then you move on - where will you be? Finding a new mate is always a gamble. So which way to go are you choosing? You need to answer to yourself.

Wishing you peace in your future

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 2:44 AM, Saturday, March 4th]

Not Just Friends

posts: 751   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8780710

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 7:42 AM on Saturday, March 4th, 2023

I can relate to your position b/c I was in the same boat at year 3 during R.

I kept waiting to feel better. I kept thinking my trauma was going to magically disappear and one day it would be behind me.

I remember the day I found this Video by Will Smith called Fault vs Responsibility. It finally made sense! My H can’t repair me - only I can repair me.

And part of my repair is getting past those triggers and thoughts that make your life hell after finding out you’ve been betrayed.

My H was doing everything possible to help me. He never got upset about talking about the affair. He never got angry if I got angry.

I am certain most BS do not get the full story - 100% truth. You are not alone there.

I often say it’s not the affair that kills the marriage, but the behavior of the cheating spouse after the affair that kills the marriage.

You have to come to some acceptable conclusion within yourself that you know your wife had done the best she could to R. Not saying it’s enough or that she did a great job in that area - it’s just there is no more she can or will do. Once you can accept that, you can heal yourself.

And if her remorse and effort are not enough then you have to decide whether you should continue to be married.

I hope this helps you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 13067   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8780729

longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 4:31 AM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023

She keeps saying awful things and later says she didn’t mean them. Sorry but that is juvenile and wholly unbelievable. You brought this up several times.

She keeps challenging you to leave or telling you she can whenever she wants.

And she won’t go to ic.

To an outsider this looks like everything is over but the shouting.

Yet you say she is doing the work. The two don’t go together for me.

I think you need to ask yourself if living like this is healthy. It surely doesn’t seem like it. It seems like she has driven you to the edge and her solution is to bait you.

You haven’t wrecked anything. She on the other hand seems like she is telling you to rug sweep or she is out. Since rug sweeping is out, Maybe you should take her up on her offer. No one should have to live like this.

I don’t know what the truth you keep wanting to hear is, but she isn’t going there. You were saying the same things a year ago.

You need to honor your own needs and stop trying to fix her. It ain’t happening.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 4:34 AM, Thursday, March 9th]

posts: 1151   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8781363

Copingmybest ( new member #78962) posted at 9:57 AM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

For what it's worth, I'm 2 weeks away from 2 years post D day. I've really struggled for so long trying to get recovery to work without my wife putting in minimal effort. A few weeks ago we had a pretty serious talk, I pretty much told her that I had been thinking maybe we should separate to give her time to decide what she really wants and if I'm worth the effort. I told her that in recent weeks I have come to the conclusion that I'm now fine no matter how things turn out between us. It's true that if you let go of the outcome, personal progress can be made. If things work out between us for the future, great! If not, that's fine too because I now know I can be just as happy without her. I have tapped into some of my old hobbies that I used to enjoy and entered into some new ones. I've rekindled some old friendships and don't "need" to be around her. I think this has had the effect of scaring her because my newfound power in myself has made her realize how close she is to losing me. When we have serious talks I no longer get emotional. She does and often brings herself to tears. My calm emotionless discussions I believe are a shock to her. It's not that I don't love her, I do, but I'm just done with the status quo. As the old saying goes, "shit or get off the pot" rings true and I have gotten off the pot. Now she has to figure out what she wants to do because I already have my plan moving forward and it doesn't include the same old song and dance. Hang in there, do things that focus on you, make yourself happy and let the chips fall where they may.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 10:00 AM, Friday, March 10th]

Me: BS 56
Her: WW 50
A 8-20?-4-1-21 (April Fools Day)
Attempting recovery me-90%~her 10%
Married 25 years

posts: 40   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Ohio
id 8781472
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